S.T.
hello, ms vetmom! i've been wondering how you were doing!
i'm sorry the ongoing battles haven't abated. sometimes it seems as if we just don't give birth to kids who have personalities that mesh with our own, and this seems to be the case with you and your DD.
doesn't change anything, though. the love is still there, and so is the need to parent appropriately.
you're a working mom so your energy, patience and time are strained. but you really do have to figure out a way to break the cycle of exhaustion, meltdowns and yelling. it's been going for years now. and she's a child. she's not the one who's going to fix this. it has got to be you.
if the piano is interfering with her schoolwork, it has to go. i absolutely agree that music is important for kids (i've got a music major) but all kids can't do all things. whatever benefit she's getting from the piano lessons are more than being canceled out by the fights with her mom and the overwhelmed-ness it's creating with her schoolwork.
but the piano lessons aren't the root of the problem. it's this pattern that you've created and allowed to become cemented into place. you order her to do something. she ignores you. you order more loudly. she actively defies you. you break and start yelling and yoinking things away, she melts down and starts screaming. both of you storm away from each other.
i admire you for recognizing both that your methods aren't working, and that your own exhaustion is contributing to the disharmony. i love how badly you continue to want to correct it.
maybe you should try to frame it around a work paradigm. if someone was bringing you a puppy week after week, and they were unable to train it or deal with it calmly, and the puppy was unruly and reactive and the owner helpless and frustrated, what would you do?
you are a concerned hardworking mom, and i think you have fears that getting some family counseling would a) take up time you don't have and b) be an admission of failure. but look at it this way. your daughter is growing up, and in a very few more years your influence will wane, and whatever patterns you've established in her psyche will be there for her to live and cope with. i'm sure there's lots of positive in that- but there's also this ongoing drama and breakdowns in communication.
all of the advice here has not yet availed you. so i truly think it's time you bite the bullet and allow a calm professional to help you develop the tools you need to communicate quietly and lovingly to your child. it won't be a quick fix, nor an easy one.
but so, so important.
what i would love to see is you here more often, having successfully navigated some of your ongoing challenges, and helping other young parents benefit by your experience.
i love to see you here, but not just asking for the same help for the same issues. please don't take this as a slam. it's not that i'm not delighted to see you here- i truly am- but you're not applying the suggestions that have been proffered to you over and over again. so just asking how to be more positive isn't what you need.
this is your child. don't let this unhealthiness continue. get the tools, do the work, and PLEASE stay here and keep us updated with how it's going.
i don't have answers for you, but i have your back, girlie. i'm rooting for you!
khairete
S.