Imy Daughter's Additude

As my five year old put it: "I just used up all of my goodness at school." We've found that if she takes 10 minutes to relax in her room she comes out in a much better mood.

I think she just needs a bit of personal attention after being part of the crowd all day. I suggest that when she comes home, you fix her a snack and then the two of you sit at the table while she eats and discuss her day and all of those other things she wants to tell you about.

Yep, I bet she is a lot like or family. When each of us come home after a day school/work, We do best if we can have some time to ourselves, not being questioned, not being hugged, not having to do a task,, etc..

I need to go straight to my bedroom and have a few quiet minutes to myself. Sometimes, I look over the mail, I change my clothes and watch some tv.. Or check my ipad..

The last thing I can handle is questions like, what is for dinner, did you call so and so like you said you would? We need this list of groceries.

My husband goes straight to the bathroom.. Then to the bedroom to change clothes.

Our daughter goes to her room, she closes her door. takes about 15 minutes.. than comes out and joins us.

Even in elementary school, We were like you, had a nice conversation in the car. I tried really hard not to run an errand.

She would come home, pick out a snack, watch about half an hour of tv, then do her homework.. During this time I would try to give her, so space. Then she would do her homework..

Help her figure out what works best for her, and then let her understand what you have noticed she seems to need. Problem solving and self awareness can start at this age, if you give her the tools.

I think it's hard for young kids, like a 6-year old, to be "good" all day long! She has to work hard at being "good" at school, and then she's tired so when she comes home I can understand how she can be tired of it!

Sometimes kids need a buffer between school and home. Sometimes they need to feel heard and understood.

I found a 10 minute stop at a local park or something else seems to help. What's 10 minutes out of your day if it makes your daughter a better helper? I'm sure you can't take her out to lunch every day, but could you stop somewhere else for her to de-stress for a few minutes on your way home? It might be worth it in the long run!

You might also want to give her 10-15 minutes of alone time in her room to just relax and play right after school. Time away from her sister as well. That also helps!

This is quite normal. She is decompressing in a safe environment.

As an adult, we don't think of school as being stressful in the lower grades. But it is actually a lot of pressure on kids to behave and be still and be quiet. They are on their best behavior (usually) and self-monitoring in a way they don't have to think about at home. They generally are trying hard to please their teachers, too. And they do a lot of academics in first grade... there are a lot of expectations for them to meet. When they finally leave the school environment, and get back in the car or get home, they are back in their "safe" environment, where they can kind of let the stress of the day go. That often manifests as being grouchy. In particular, with siblings.
I know that some days, with my kids, I have had to institute a "no talking" period for about 5-10 minutes when they first got into the car.

Try not to punish for it. But look for ways to help her transition and relax. If you have a younger sibling, what worked for me (most of the time anyway) was to tell the younger sibling: "Don't talk to your brother for a few minutes when he first gets in the car. He needs a few minutes to relax after school, so just give him a few minutes before you say anything to him."

Imagine yourself getting off work and walking out to the parking lot after a long day. The second you get in the car and while still strapping on your seatbelt, your mom (yes! YOUR MOM) is in the passenger seat asking all about your day. "What did your boss tell you today? Did she fuss at you for xyz? What did your performance review say?"

It's the same thing, only the first grade/child's version.

It is pretty common for kids to meltdown after school, especially if they have been good all day. You should talk to your daughter when she is in a good mood, and brainstorm some things that might help her decompress (read a book, quiet time with a puzzle, whatever she finds relaxing) and try to give her a little unwind time.

I looked at past posts to see if there were any recent changes that might feed into this, and saw that things are tense at home right now. Kids are radar dishes of emotion. They absorb and reflect what is going on around them. School is calm, home is tense. She is reflecting that anxiety at home. Having lunch with her helped to calm her fears. But the tension continues. I don't know how to fix this other than recommending counseling or something - which you can check into through school as student services usually has FREE counseling for its students. I wish you the best!

ADD: obviously there should be consequences for meanness that won't stop. BUT, like other moms have suggested, downtime may also help. It bugs me that adults complain about not having time to decompress, relax, etc., don't stop to think about the same need in their kids, who have been at "WORK" (school) for 8 hours.

Yes, we need to teach them to be good people, but we also have to actually think of them as having similar, age appropriate needs as adult people - like downtime after work, like stress at home, etc.

She's just tired.
After a LONG day at school.
It is just like, "work" for them.
A young child especially... they need to DEFLATE after coming home and UNWIND.
And she sounds like my daughter... who likes to chat after school. Which is good. Because, chatting that way... ALLOWS a child to express themselves, to tell their Mom their thoughts, and to release pent up things.
So encourage it.
You do NOT have to take her out, each time to do that. Just do it at home, after school, casual like. Have a time to just let her chat and you and it is also... a "bonding" thing.
My daughter likes to chat after school or before bed.

So, just know your daughter and her cues.
Each child being different.

My kids are 6 and 10. And to circumvent... their "fussy" days after school... I simply taught them... to TELL ME.... when they just need and want time to deflate in their own way. That in itself, "cures" the grumpy moments after school. Because, they know they can tell me, and that we ALL understand.
My kids even, just want to be alone... or NOT even playing with each other. They need their own space. So, I ALSO taught them, to simply tell the other sibling, in a nice way. Its fine.

By the time my son (7) gets home from school he is exhausted and hungry. He has been holding it all together the entire day (yes - school is a big deal for the younger set and rule following all day is rough). It is no different from DH or myself getting home after a rough day of work and being a bit grumpy. We take some time to eat a snack, reconnect, hug and talk about the best thing and worst thing that happened during the day. It helps a lot to do this rather than have him get home and immediately tell him to go set the table or do some chore.

my daughter was like this at 5 last year in K. I agree with the posted below who said its hard for them to be "good" all day. If I let my daughter play at her school playground when i picked her up for 10 minutes, or had a scnack and a drink ready when we got home, or sometimes in the car, and allowed her to chill and watch tv for 20 minutes or J. play on her own as soon as she got home it went a lot better.

She is DEFINITELY old enough to fix it. 5 years old is when you can finally appeal to a child's good nature in a logical way and they have impulse control etc. IF they have a firm foundation of discipline. All the talking you're doing is great, but you also need to enforce an effective consequence every time she ignores a warning and acts that way or she'll keep doing it and it will escalate. It doesn't matter much WHY she does it. I mean, of course you want her to confide in you, and you want to be sympathetic if something is troubling her, but I have a seven year old, and if she could act this way at times, she would. It takes discipline to keep good behavior on track, not just positive reinforcement (which is also important of course).

If ONLY kids would realize how much nicer it is to be nice during a discussion about being nice and all the nice things that happened when they were nice and therefore choose to be nice on their own from then on....they just don't though. My daughter is not rude or mean or whiny ever (unless she's exhausted ro sick or has a real fear or something), but only because we have consistently enforced what is allowed. Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson is great for this age.

She may need time to decompress after being "busy" and "social" all day at school and being required to immediately shift gears and fit in at home. I used to have to let my son have a half hour of music or TV alone just so he could relax and shift gears. A nap would have done it too, but he wasn't so willing. Good luck.

How about rewarding her when she does good. Make a chart for everyday of the week or month and every day that she does not talk back or is mean to her sister add a sticker and at the end of the week/month give her a small treat. Maybe let her choose a movie, extra tv time, extra trip to the park…etc. Hope this helps. I know if you don’t do something it may get worse believe me I have a 14 year old with an attitude and I blame myself for not nipping it in the bud.

Take a look at the book "The Secret of Parenting" and that will help you understand what she is doing. What you're describing I'd her " baby self" and her "mature self" . Totally normal behavior.

A child's attitude has everything to do with whether or not their immediate needs are being met: sleep/rest, food, bathroom, affection, warmth/coolness, thirst. If all of those needs are being met at the same time then chances are high that the child will have a better mood.

Heck, most adults too.

Hi E.,

I have a son who is five who has similar 'attitude' challenges from time to time.

I am NOT an incentives person, as a rule, however, I wanted a way to acknowledge the positive moments, and about 4 months ago I started a 'Blue Dot' chart with my son. Here's how it works:

Every time we have something go very easily/smoothly, we notice this aloud. Not every little thing, mind you, but when we notice that things he used to grump about are happening in a cheerful cooperative way (i.e.-- getting ready for school, doing homework, his eye exercises [he sees an eye therapist for some ocular issues], picking up his room) we give him a few blue dots and verbal acknowledgment. "Wow, you got your shoes on lickety-split quick! That's two dots!" or "Look at your room! The Legos are put away and the floor is clear-- you got it done without any asking for help. That makes our evening so nice, that's three blue dots" etc. I try to give specific feedback on WHY it was pleasant for us or what I appreciated about what he did instead of just 'good job'.

We collect 100 blue dots (no stickers or fancy charts needed) and then the treat is doing a fun outing as a family or him getting one-on-one time with one of us on the weekend, doing something he enjoys. We keep it inexpensive and have found it to be very doable. Earning a little extra one-on-one time with you or dad might be a nice 'thanks' for your girl.

We did find that, at first, it seemed like the chart was taking forever to fill. Now, he can usually fill up a chart in about three weeks time. Part of it is my being consistent and offering opportunities to earn dots when we are getting into a bad habit by asking him to consciously correct his behavior. One example: Entering the kindergarten classroom in the morning, Kiddo didn't want to get settled in, he wanted to talk with friends and then hug and hug and hug me. We told him that every time he was in his seat *before* the tardy bell rang, he could earn two blue dots. This has now become the new habit, to be seated and starting on his work before I say goodbye.

As for the talking back and whining, I would be very clear with her that she must either use a friendly voice or take some time for herself in her room. Talking back? "I need you to take a break in your room and come back when you are ready to be polite and solve the problem." Sometimes, they come out too soon and need to be calmly walked back to their room and have the instruction repeated. "I still hear a mean/angry/whiny voice, so take some time to find your usual voice before you come out again so we can solve the problem. I'll help you when you sound like you are ready for help."

With all of this, I'll give you the advice I have given others recently: it's really important to notice when she is being pleasant, either for your sake or for her own. When she's engaged in things which are not a problem for you, non-verbal attention is far more effective than words. Stroke her hair or give her a kiss on the head as you pass her . Give her shoulder a little squeeze, rub her back lightly, or give her a smile when you see her doing the right things. Nonverbal praise and acknowledgment is very powerful; I find that when I am out of synch with my son, this really helps get us feeling good about each other. This validation of her 'just being' is powerful.

Above all, take lots of deep breaths, remember that you are teaching her how to handle her attitude and emotions so that she can do this better when she's an adult, and that it takes a lot of time for kids to grow into the people we want them to become. Also explore healthy ways of letting her express herself, such as art, journaling/letter writing, and do pick up a copy of Faber and Mazlish's "How to Talk so Kids Will Listen... And how to Listen So Kids Will Talk". Even after 15 years of working with kids, this book was an all-out game-changer for me. Get her on board with finding some of the solutions to her problems, acknowledge when she is making good progress and you are seeing the actions which are pleasing to you, and have faith that this is one good step in her learning how to be a person who lives in community with others.:)

PS-- I appreciate what previous posters have suggested, making sure she gets a little face time with you and time to decompress for a bit. My son goes to half-day kindergarten, and after lunch, he usually has a half-hour or so to play before we take care of his other 'must do' tasks. He's always better for that time.

It seems to me that what she wants and needs is a little time with mom and nobody else. You saw what a difference it made the day you took her out to lunch. Maybe you could change your schedule somewhat to give her a few minutes alone every day. See if it is indeed what is going on. It does sound like she is screaming out for attention and you know how kids are, they don't care if it's good or bad attention, so give her the good kind. :)

Just have a quiet time in the car after school to let her decompress. When she gets home, she can wash and rest and tell you about her day later when she is refreshed.

It's very simple...don't tolerate her bad attitude.

At the first sign of her being mean to her sister - warn her that this behavior will not be tolerated. Next time punish her. After she does this a few times she'll catch on. She is not "too young" to fix this.

My kids are like that after school - we call it the post school grouchies. They usually spend some time 'vegging' when they first get home - this seems to help.

Here is the great answer to your question by Dr. Laura!
http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/family-life/A...