My step-son is now five years old but I've been in his life since he was three months old. I have no other children so my entire universe revolves around him. I view him and treat him as he were my own.
He is the sweetest little boy but I know that the sweetest babies become the most gut wrenching teenagers. How do I deal with it when the inevitable "you're not my mother" statement comes hurdling toward me?
He just started school so he's become a little ball of question. Who should answer the question of "why aren't my mum and dad together?" question. Should I even be a part of that discussion?
My husband and I started discussing having more children. My step son seems very excited about the prospect of siblings, a brother to be exact. My step son's always referred to me by a pet name, so much so that all of the children in our family now call me by his pet name for me. I would love for him to call me mom but that's not something I would ever ask for him to call me, that has to be his decision. As he is so young I have a feeling that when our other children begin calling me mum, he probably will too. Now, his mom and I get along fabulously and we're both secure in our roles in his life but I don't know how she'd react to him calling me mum. How do I ask her how she'd feel about something that I'm not sure will happen? The last thing I want is for our relationship to be fractured over something resolvable.
You mom's have all been super helpful! I am a bit of a worry wart. I knew I should wait until the situations arose to handle them, I guess I just needed to hear it from a few more experienced mummies. I've spoken to my husband about this and he's told me the same thing as you all. WORRY WART, guilty as charged. I am just so afraid of messing up in my role as his step mum because he is so very important to me. @FlamingTurnip, you clearly believe in tough love and throwing diplomacy to the wind. Thanks for your response. All of you, thanks again, it's really helped. I feel super reassured.
This is not and does not need to be an issue. IF or when he calls you "mum" some day, it's dealt with then. This is one of those things I really think, is an "as needed" situation.
Don't borrow trouble. Deal with it when the time comes.
I knew where this was going in the first sentence. My 19 year old daughter is adopted and I divorced when she was four. She came from a horrible situation and I brought her home when she was ten days old.
She has known since she was two that I didn't give birth to her. It's all she has known, her normal. We are divorced and all have wonderful relationships with each other. Again, her normal. It isn't awful, we love her, she feels loved and she loves us.
Maybe some kids pull the "you're not my mother" business but I have NEVER heard anything close ever. She could have called me Mickey Mouse, it didn't matter....we are family. I wouldn't ask his mom what could happen when your unmade, potentially future children get here.
I'm not sure where you get that the sweetest kids turn awful. Just ride it out and love him, this is the life he knows.
My aunt has had many foster kids over the years. They all call her mom but not when there biological mothers are around. They just seem to know it would hurt their bio mom. I really don't think you should give this a second thought. You don't have a problem so it would be a real shame if you created one.
FYI...I am the mother of a teenager. She has been nothing but a pleasure to raise her entire life. Certainly not a "gut wrenching teen."
How old are you? Sorry but this sounds like the musings of a child, not an adult. No one says the sweetest babies become gut wrenching teens. Poorly parented kids become gut wrenching teens.
So far as calling you mom, that is the child and the child alone. If the child calls you mom his mom probably won't have a problem with it. You tell the child call me mom, she probably will. So this is a non issue, leave it alone.
Just wanted to tell you a bit of our story. My hubby adores his step mom and so do I. He calls her by her name but always gets her a mother's day card, not a step Mother's Day card, when he writes her a note he writes 'mom'. He doesn't call her mom out of respect for his mom, but he sees her as a mom :). She never had biological kids so we are her only family, my FIL and she divorced and she is still Meme to my kids and they are wild about her. I consider us lucky bc we have 3 awesome grandmas:). So where there is lots of love, things just have a way of working out :D.
It will all work out, really it will. I have 2 stepchildren who are now 31 & 28. I was in their lives from the beginning. They call me "mom" sometimes, but mostly "S." (and now "Grandma S."!). Be very glad that you and his mother get along, that is fabulous, and not something I experienced. You just answer questions as they come up, to the best of your ability, and mostly just keep loving him!
You're a good Mom. It'll all work out. Don't worry so much. It'll be okay.
T., take a deep breath....out of love and concern for your stepson, you're creating problems that don't exist yet, and creating stress for yourself.
You and his dad, together, need to come up with what you are going to say when he asks, "Why don't mommy and daddy live together." There are lots of resources to help you, including a lot of books about children of divorced parents (find one that includes a focus on younger children). And there is advice here, of course. And yes, you will be part of that discussion because you may not be his biological parent but you are PARENTING him as are both his mom and dad. But rather than worrying now about a question he might ask someday -- prepare yourself to answer it, then clear the issue out of your mind and stop fretting.
Same thing about what he might or might not call you at some future time IF you have other children. It's a lot of "mights" and "ifs" and "in the future" talk. Wait until those other children are actually born and old enough to call you mum before you worry over what he might call you.
You write, "How do I ask (his mom) how she'd feel about something that I'm not sure will happen?" You don't ask her.Because it might or might not happen. Wait until it does and until the issue actually comes up!
You're making stress for yourself. Just come up with a plan so you and your husband are ready for the inevitable "why don't mom and dad live together" issue. Preparation is what you need, not worry. Then file it in your mind for when you need it and just enjoy this little boy.
I wouldn't even bring it up to the bio mom. That's not a discussion for you to have. It's all very premature at this point. If you get pregnant, then maybe your husband can speak to his ex and ask what she would prefer. But again, it's still up to the child what he wants to call you.
T.:
Welcome to mamapedia!!
His biological father needs to talk with him about why he and his biological mom are not together. Since she is active in his life - then he might already know why they aren't together.
When the "you're not my mom" statement gets hurled out - you say - no, I'm not your biological mother - but I am your step mother and I love you. Your husband needs to support you on that as well.
YOU may want him to call you mum, but if he hasn't asked if he can call you "mum", I would NOT broach the subject with her. I would talk to my husband and ask him HIS thoughts on it but not push it.
Good luck!
Let your husband know you want to sit down with him, and since you and his mom get along fabulously, her, too, to talk about everything. The three of you are the most important people in his life right now, discuss the things concerning you and how they should be handled. They may have concerns needing to be addressed as well. This way she has no reason to think you're trying to take anything away from her as his mom, or undermine her, and her wishes are respected.
Kids are very smart. I had no trouble understanding that my biological mother couldn't raise me so she gave me up for adoption and my adoptive parents were so happy to have me. Later I had no trouble understanding their divorce. I don't know any kids in blended families with step parents who are confused about what roles everyone plays-though I guess you hear horror stories form time to time... If you have been this child's beloved step mom since infancy, I doubt he'll one day ask you why his parents aren't together since it's all he's ever known...and if he does, just answer truthfully in a way that shines a positive light on everyone. I know lots of great teens who were sweet kids. If the kid's mom is great and secure and one of the kids calls you mom one day-I doubt she'll get furious. And if the kids sense it would not be OK with her, they probably won't do it..but-----Stop Worrying! Sounds like you have the most tidy arrangement possible!
If you have a fabulous relationship with his mother, that's phenomenal, and you need to do what you can to value that. But I wouldn't ask her now what might happen in the future. I'd deal with it when it happens.
You also don't have to have an answer ready for every question that might come up in the future. It's okay to say to a child, "Let me think about how to answer that question." That goes for everything.
Kids see all kinds of family situations. He will always know that you are not his mother. You can love him as much as if he were your own, but you must always honor his mother and remember that he is NOT "your own" in that sense. If you don't get confused, he won't either.
All kids come up with something that's hurtful, sometimes when they are 4, sometimes when they are 9, sometimes when they are 15. You can't take it personally. "You're not my mother" is equal in hurtfulness to "I hate you" and "I wish I had other parents" and "I wish I'd never been born." At some point, everyone hears something from a kid they wish they didn't.
Questions about "why aren't my mom and dad together?" should be answered by his father and his mother. "You can ask Daddy about that" is your answer, unless his mom and dad agree on and tell you what they want you to say.
I'm not sure why you are telling your stepson that you are thinking of having children. That's not something that people discuss with stepsons or their own children. You deal with it when and if it occurs. You don't have a child so that your stepson can have a brother. Ever.
If you have a pet name, that's great. Stick with that. If he slips and calls you Mom, that's one thing, but you never ever sign your name that way on his birthday cards and you don't call yourself that. You must always honor his mother - that is how he will learn to treat her and to value all women.
At some point you will probably be a great confidante to him because you never tried to be his mother or get him to call you that. His father should make sure he gets you a mother's day card that says "you're like a mom to me" but never "you are my mom", and you should help him pick out a mother's day card/gift (or make one) for his mother. You should always be in a supportive role that way. It's okay to take a back seat sometimes. It doesn't diminish your love for him. In fact, it affirms your confidence. That means you need to stop hoping he will call you Mom - you say you would love for that to happen, but really, it's not a good idea to wish for that. You will always be disappointed in some way if he doesn't (as much as you kind of worry about him doing it), and you need to realize that his love for you and your importance in his life is not based on what he calls you. Please - as one stepmother to another -I'm asking you, don't wish for something that will ultimately devalue his mother. That never works out.
Just teach him that he will always have lots of people who love him. My husband wrote in our wedding vows that love is based on chemistry, not just biology. His kids loved that.
