Call Me Mom Spin Off

What you're talking about is a lot different than what that poster was asking.
She wanted to know if it was okay if her boyfriend's little boys called her mom, and he wasn't comfortable with it.
That's a LOT different than older kids calling their good friends parents "mom" or "dad" out of affection a familiarity (or like how I refer to my MIL as mom, for example.)
If the boyfriend of THREE YEARS isn't wanting to marry her, and doesn't even want his kids referring to her as a mom or step mom, then I don't think it's right or fair to the boys. It doesn't sound like the guy plans on having her around for long, and I think that's why most of us responded the way we did, to spare the kids' feelings.

I think the difference is in the other situation, the other "mom" was Dad's girlfriend. If my husband became my ex-husband, and then got involved with someone else, I would have a problem with my daughter calling her "Mom" - because that woman has not given birth to her, lost sleep over her, dealt with every temper tantrum, taken care of her every need for the first 5+ years of her life. On the other hand, if she had a friend that was close enough to the family, and hers to theirs, that the girls called us both "Mom", that would be different. I wouldn't feel like I was being "replaced" because the other woman was romantically involved with her dad.

This is no reflection on the OPs situation, but a lot of men and women go through "girlfriends" and "boyfriends wicker than some people go through sneakers.
I am firmly in the camp of when you have given birth to, adopted, or married to the spouse if the child, THEN "mom" is appropriate.
Until then, "Susan" or "Mary" can provide love and attention and care, but they're not mom.
Oh--my BFF of 40+ years do not call each others moms "mom"! And we literally grew up in each others houses!

I don't think there's anything wrong with a kid having many "moms," and moms shouldn't be threatened by it.

However, in the post you are referring to, it sounds like the dad has no intention of making the relationship permanent, in which case the kids will be even more hurt when "mom" is suddenly out of the picture.

It's not the name, it's the status. My mother only had one boyfriend that I loved. I didn't pay any attention to the rest. When the inevitable happened, and my mom and the boyfriend I loved broke up, it was hard enough, but it would have been extremely painful if I had ever allowed myself to consider him "dad".

Yeah, growing up I had some friends who would call each others' moms, "mom" but it's different when you're divorced, share custody of your kids, and the other "mom" is sleeping with your children's father, living with him, and caring for your children. Not at all the same thing.

I didn't answer that question because I am tired of answering those questions. To me the whole mom/dad debate is just parents pushing their insecurities on their kids. If my kids decide to call my ex's girlfriend mom when they get married so what. How exactly does what they call someone else change who I am to them.

I will probably get blasted for this, again, but the only people I see flipping a nut when the ex's spouse or long time girlfriend/boyfriend is called mom/dad, are the people that are already insecure that their kids don't love them as much as this new person. It is pure insecurity and I feel sad for the kids who are stuck in the middle of it.

I know people who did what you did. Really in a way my kids friends did it. Thing is for what ever reason my older daughter decided to call me J. when she got to be a teen. Since she always said it with respect I decided not to make a big deal out of it. All her friends called me J. as well, also with respect.

I just could care less what someone calls me or others, just treat me with the respect I give you. Yeah I know, I am strange.
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Oh yeah, just want to add when the new person tries to make the kids call them mom/dad that is another story. That is trying to make the kids feel something that isn't there, it is again insecurity, again leave the kids out of this.

What ever your kids want to call people should be allowed but it should always come from the kids.

The oddest story was my ex's sister. She got so pissed that her ex got pissed that their kids called her new husband dad. I agreed, he shouldn't do that. Then her ex got remarried and her kids called the new wife mom, ya know, just like they did with her husband. She flipped a nut over that. Wait, your new husband should be called dad but not the new wife? Do you two just sit at night thinking up new ways to confuse and mess up your kids?

You question is different because you are talking about your BFF's, etc and quite frankly, I am called mom by some of my daughter's BFF's and I called my BFF's mom's mom as well. They were special to me and I appreciate that my daughter's BFF's think highly enough of me to call me mom as well. However, none of us "mom's" are offended when our daughter's call us all mom. It is not like we are taking over the parental role, it is in an endearing way.

That said, with the previous poster, it sounds like she has been a sole caregiver for her BF's children while her BF and bio mom do their own thing. As good as she is to care for these children, she is still just the gf (basically a very good nanny and bf reaps other benefits). I am most sad for the 2 children who must be very confused and of course they love the gf because she is the one who is parenting in the mom role.

I feel realy bad for her because it looks like she is being royally used... 3 yrs? wow.

No..not backwoods at all!!! Sounds like you came from a very loving and stable home..where each home had the original mom and dad of the kids living in the home. I think that might be why I feel it is ok to call any close mother/father figure by "mom" or "dad". In that situation there are very few reasons for insecurities on behalf of the birth parent...or confusion of why you are using these endearing names.

The post earlier came from a kind woman in a 3 year live in relationship where her boyfriend didn't foresee a future with her. This woman is "mothering" his children and he didn't even think it was a good idea for the kids to call her mom because it might be confusing in the future. Ouch!! Yep...would be weird to call your dad's ex girlfriend "mom" when a new honey moves in. What would you then call the new honey??

I don't think it has anything really to do with being the birth mom but instead being the constant in your life. And these children didn't even have their father's support that the woman would be in their future. Sooo sad!

Stability for children is not top priority in so many homes. Kids are becoming ever more confused on who to call mom(or dad) these days. As for the earlier post...the birth mom and dad aren't even around to do majority of the parenting and the live in girlfriend feels the need to step up and fill the role. Does she deserve to be called "mom"? Maybe so when it comes down to who is putting in the time do do the nitty gritty of parenting. But..it would open up even more confusion in those boys' lives...they are already confused enough. And it might cause conflict with their real mom. Those boys just don't need anymore drama to deal with.

I think that parents that are secure in their relationship and have kids that feel secure in their parents love might have children that naturally call other close friends parents "mom" and "dad".

I used to call my BFF's mother Mommy Kathy and her dad Daddy Bob. Now that my children adore them too, they're Nanna Kathy and Grampy Bob. My BFF just calls my parents Mom and Dad and then the initial of their last name. It all works out.

Those are terms of endearment, and while our parents each mothered us there was no question or overstepping of boundaries. There was no infringement of family dynamics and assuming a position of parental authority that didn't exist.

When it comes to calling a boyfriend or girlfriend a name reserved for a parent or step-parent or grandparent, that crosses some serious boundaries and makes some serious assumptions.

One of my friends always called my mom "mom." I have no clue why, but my mom didn't care.

Our tradition was to always call close friends "aunt" or "uncle."

I have no problem with a step-mom being called "mom." I can easily see calling a step-mother "mom X" or just plain old mom. A mom is a mom, whether you gave birth to the kid or not.

Strangely, after 11.5 years of marriage, my hubby won't even call my parents by their first names. They are Mr and Mrs. Habits are hard to break, I guess.

Come on Sis. Its a HUGE different story than the original poster's.

you're comparing apples to oranges

ETA:

Ok so you still don't *get it*, so lets pretend this is about YOU; I'm basing this off of your husband translation post, totally as an example:

husband: I'm leaving you cause I'm tired of your nagging. I obviously can't do anything right in your eyes and I've met someone that doesn't treat me like a child and doesn't nag me.

You are bitter, upset, pissed, etc all the emotions people go thru in a breakup.

3 yrs later:

Now ex husband is still with girl he left you for. Now you are working full time. Girlfriend doesn't work so she watches your daughter because daycare is too expensive. You hate this but don't have much of a choice.

The girlfriend spends more time with your child because you work a lot and need extra hours so she is doing all the things you want to do but can't. You hate your ex, hate his girlfriend, hate your new life.

Your daughter asks girlfriend if she can call her mommy. Girlfriend says yes. Your daughter comes home and refers to "Sara" as mommy.

Would you be heartbroken? Or would you be happy?

Your scenario cannot even come close to being compared to a family splitting up and now the girlfriend doesn't work so she watches your daughter so you can work.

Never did it. I also looked at a friend like she had two heads the first time I heard her call her MIL 'mom'. I do think that an adoptive mother should be called mom. In that case, I do not think the term is reserved for the biologic mom. But when your mom is in your life, there is only one of her. Same for dad.

Two of my daughter's friends call me "mom", so did her long term ex-boyfriend. There is no confusion about who is raising them and I'm certainly not assuming a parenting role from a man who doesn't seem to be doing his parenting job or sees a future with me.

Completely different situation.

I have a best friend who I used to call her mom"mom" also. I don't think its a big deal. :)

Give me your child(ren) tomorrow, for 6 months (sign away your parental rights at the same time, because you will have NO say in what I do with them)... And then we'll talk about what the differences are between a pet name between friends and some woman just taking your kids a d doing whatever whenever with them for half of their life.

I may be great, I may be the LAST person you would ever want around your kids. But you have no say. Period.

There is a difference in the two situations. In your example your friend's mom is not perceived as taking your birth mom's place. Calling her Mom is a pet name. It is also a way of showing respect. Your friend calls her Mom and so you also call her Mom.

In the situation cited in the earlier post, the girlfriend is most likely perceived by the birth mom as taking her place and thus calling her mom is hurtful to the birth mom. If the biological mom is OK with her children calling someone else it's OK. It's often good to have two moms.

Yes, my daughter's best friend called me Mom. So do other people in our lives when we're together because my name is Mom to my daughter.
Using the name Mom is only that. It's used as a name. While in the case of the father's girlfriends and stepmothers their role is that of a mom which makes calling them mom a sensitive issue to birth moms and can be confusing to the kids.

It is OK to call a stepmother Mom when the birth mother agrees to it. The stepmother is a permanent part of the family and has the possibility of being in the kids lives even if there is a divorce. She has legal standing. While an ex-girlfriend is more likely to be banned forever.

My stepson called his friend's mom "mom" to the point where we had to ask who he was talking about - HIS mom or his FRIEND's mom. I will never be "mom" to him because of loyalty issues (which are probably not an issue in the call your friend's mom "Mom" thing) and I admit that rather stung. Here I was raising him more than his own biological mother (her choice) and been in his life since he was 9, and I had to have DD to be "Momma". The kids know that their mom would have a fit (in fact she used to sign things The Mom, as if they'd forget). So was it their problem, or hers? I never asked how she felt about the mom thing, but I strongly suspect he didn't use it in her presence. So not sure I was really any better, feeling jealous, but I only made one comment and let it go. It eventually died down so we could tell who he was talking about.

I have an aunt that's not my aunt at all. She's my grandmother's college friend and they are so close they are honorary aunts to each other's families.

I think the big difference between your situation with a friend's mom and the one the other poster talked about is that there's a tricky, fine line in stepfamilies. Love them like they're your own, but if they treat you like they're your own, you often get the hairy eyeball. It's a double standard. I never pushed it with the stepkids, but I hope that one day I get to be a "grandma" and if they ever call me "mom" that would be cool, but I don't expect it. If they of their own free will had wanted to call me Mom, I would have been cool with it. I would not have been cool if DH had insisted (as I know some parents do) because I don't think making kids to use a title they don't feel is correct, either.

The other thing, as someone else pointed out, is that I'm not sure her BF was looking to have her be a permanent thing in their lives and that could be tricky. I would not have considered the sks calling me Mom before we were married.

Both of my daughters have friends that call me "second mom". The hurt feelings started when they wanted me to number them! I've had several little girls "bickering" over who was official dgtr #3. I just tell them I love them all equally, but only dgtrs #1 and #2 get a number, and that was decided by God :)

My best friend calls my parents (both sets) mom and dad, and I call her parents mom and dad. I've known them since I was 12. My kids even call her dad Grandpa "insert name". He spoils them just as much as my parents do. (she doesn't have kids and his other grand kids are adults)

There is a difference and I won't get into my thoughts on the insecurities people have if/when their kids call someone else mom.

If the person being called mom is uncomfortable...then find another name for them to call you...if it's the birth mom...too bad. Think about this..."your kids are comfortable with this person enough to choose to call them mom/dad"...now my problem with this is that if the "step mom/dad" requires the children to call them "mom/dad"...that is not ok.

Not just birth Mom but Step Mom and Adoptee Mom, too.
Why?
Because these women have some permanence in the kids lives not to mention legal guardianship.
Anyone else is a baby sitter or Nanny.
I wonder what Supernanny's opinion on this would be.

I haven't read the other responses but just wanted to say that you aren't the only one with friends like this. My best friend calls my mom 'mom'. I'm not that close with her mom and rarely ever see her, so I don't call her mom 'mom'. My younger sister's best friend also calls my mom 'mom'.

All of my close friends called my parents Mom & Dad and vice versa. I know it never bothered our parents however I don't think that's quite the same as a couple who've split and now have new partners.

There was no feelings of being replaced among our friends parents but I can certainly see how that fear could play into a divorced scenario. I don't think we can really compare the two situations.

Peace and Blessings,
T. B.

We did not. I loved one and she was more of a M. than my M. will ever be.

I just heard my coleader tell the girls they could call her M.. It offended the girl whose M. died awhile back. It was weird to my daughter because I am her M. and we are very close. Two who have issues with boundaries were like "Ok M.." Her own daughter was angry, maybe jealous.

My 22 year old daughter has one friend that calls me Mom and my hubby Dad. Her and my daughter close friends and I not my hubby have a problem with her calling Mom or Dad.My daughter's friend does come from a divorced household,has a stepfather she is close too,maybe that is why she call us Mom and Dad?

I am also a reunited adoptee. I call my birth Mom by her first name still,since she is not ready for me to call her Mom. Both of my adoptive parents are deceased.

And the question is...???

I've had dear friends, some like mothers to me. I am still friends with mothers of some significant exes, and they are still ike mothers to me. I don't call anybody by my mother's handle except my mother. Period. No right or wrong...just how it feels for me. Before we got married, my husband's mother was on her deathbed, and I called her Mama when speaking to her, and that just happened...just came out naturally.