How Did Your Kids Handle?

Both my mom and dad remarried after they were divorced. Each handled their new relationship differently. My mother made sure that the introductions were gradual. She made space for my feelings, talked them through with me, and didn't take my reactions personally. She had developmentally appropriate expectations for me. Most importantly, she didn't push her new partner on me. She allowed me to warm up to them in my own time - asking that I was respectful - but not that I interacted with them as a parent. It took time and was hard at first, but I ended up feeling really happy for her when she was married.

My dad, on the other hand, did the complete opposite. He asked that I accept his partner immediately. I'd grown up spending a lot of time just hanging out with him in the shop and garden, but once they started seeing each other, I wasn't allowed time with him alone anymore. He took it very personally when I pushed her away, and he wanted me to have a grownup reaction to his new marriage, but I was barely a teenager. It was very difficult. I still have a difficult relationship with my step mother.

Hi C.,

I'd have to say that I have only experienced this as the child of the situation.
And my answer would run similar to Ephie's. My growing-up dad was very cautious and gradual in introducing his girlfriend--later to be fiancee-- to me. I was nine and I really wasn't aware they were 'dating', but rather that she was a friend. She spent very low-key time with us; we went to the movies, to the fair, she and I hung out a bit and I met her family-- even went to the beach with she and her younger sister who was an older teen at that point. When they did announce their intention to get married, I was surprised but not upset... she'd given me time to get to know her. Once they were married, it was a couple of years at least before she began exerting any serious authority.

My mom, on the other hand, made her third husband an authority before they had moved in together (she was prego with his baby). Without going into details-- he was so insecure, he made my life hell for about 6 years before they split up. He had no respect for how our family had operated before (including rules and expectations-- he just expected us to *know* these things without being told and were then held accountable).

Honestly-- and this has no bearing whatsoever on your situation-- but if something horrible were to happen to my husband and I found myself alone again as a single parent, it would be a very, very long time before I brought anyone new into my son's life. He would always come first for me, and if that other person I was dating couldn't handle waiting a while to be introduced-- I'm not sure they could handle the patience and tenacity and steadfastness being a good stepparent requires. The ability to hold one's tongue is only one of many necessary skills in that situation...

this question's a little too close to home for me right now.
it's ironic that i'm teaching hamlet, cuz that's who i feel like!
khairete
S.

Hi C.,

I was a single mom for almost 6 years when I met my husband. It had been just me and my two boys for awhile and I was pretty cautious about who I let into their circle of people. My son actually met my husband first. He asked if he could go outside and play. I said yes and off he went. Three minutes later he came in and said, "There's a guy outside and he's trying to talk to me." So, like any protective mom, I went outside to rip this guy's head off. Turns out my son introduced me to my husband. Because we lived right next to each other, we saw my husband around all the time. He was content to hang out with all of us and was really sweet to my kids. He never treated them like they were in the way or gumming up his plan. He just accepted that we were a unit and that it was HIS job to find his place with us, not my kids' job to make room for him. We all fell in love with him and married him. We added three more kids to the family and are very happy.

I think, regardless of gender of the couple or the age of the kids, most of the time the result hinges on the attitude of the person coming in and how much respect the couple has for the children. This new person is the interloper. There's already a unit there and this new person is the one who has to find their place, and the parent is the one who is responsible to make sure the kids feel secure and happy with the situation. If the new person comes in stepping on toes and expecting their presence to be the primary focus of the relationship (in the family, not the couple) things won't end well, and even if they continue I think there would probably be resentment and hard feelings.

Hey Cami! i can give you the perspective of the child(ren) in this case. my mom and dad divorced when i was 20 - but i have 3 younger siblings who were 6-15 at the time.

my father remarried very quickly - of course that was an entire different story, because my mom's sister had an affair (which started after our parents divorce as far as we know) and left her husband of 25 years, to move in with my father. ha. we won't go there.

my MOTHER however, did it exactly right, imo. she has had 2 steady boyfriends in the 15 years since the divorce. the first, was a couple years after the divorce, and he was a "friend" kind of guy. just fun for her. he was a "buddy" to my little brothers, no pressure, just a friend. after that fizzled out, my mom was with someone for 10 years who ended up moving in, had a teenage son around my brothers' age, and it was great. sadly that didn't work out either - but from my mom's dating experiences, we kids had very few problems. my mom was always very conscious of how she handled things - she never trashed my father (or *ahem* ...her "sister"), she was respectful of my siblings' feelings and her kids ALWAYS came first. she took things slow and didn't "date around" much, and what dating she did do, was kept away from the kids. like i said, two men in 15 years were "brought into" our family. i think she did it just right.

ETA - just read ephie's answer. interesting that her answer would 100% apply to mine as well....

It's almost always hard, unfortunately, no matter how great the new partner is.