Need Advice on Dating Someone Who Also Has Kids from Previous Marriage

How do you work, go to college full time and mother three children? You don't have time for romance.

i had the same issue years ago....what i did was date my boyfriend for 1 yr WITH OUT bringing him around my boy AT ALL. this gave us time to REALLY get to know each other & see if we could continue in the 'long haul'. THEN, after that first year i ONLY brought him around when it was a group type setting (ie: bbq's at friends houses, dinner at mom's with a few other people). after my son got to know him in THOSE settings, we would go to the park once in a while, a movie, dinner, etc...the whole process took a little over 1 1/2 yrs & i am convinced that was the way to go. we've been together 6 yrs, are now married & my son just adores him! basically, my advice is TAKE IT SLOWLY! there is no need to rush & you dont want to subject the kids to "one of mommy's mistakes", ya know? good luck to ya!

I don't believe you should be confusing your children with just a friend, IF you plan on just dating. Children tend to attach them selves easily and if your friendship ends then the children loose a friend/daddy figure and that can be damaging. If and when you plan on marrage then slowly involve the children. And don't add anymore children to the mix.

S.

I am a mother of 4 children at the time I was first going out with my boyfriend of now 6 years I had only my 3 children. I introduced my boyfriend as my "FRIEND" and they took to him like the would any other person whom they knew calling him UNCLE. I had to let my boyfriend know I had children and that he had to except me and my children in order for us to date and he did. So to this day he is a loving father figure to my children because their dad is not in the picture and now we have a daughter of our own whom my children love. Just have your children spend time with your "FRIEND" if you are going to get serious with him, that way your children will not be in shock if things go further then being friends. And as long as he treats the children as well as he treats you, your children will do fine with him and vice versa! =O)

Unless the children are over 18, NO, NO, NO. Also, not until your children are 18. NO dating. You could put yourself and your children at terrible risk. Please read Dr Laura Schlessinger's Books. Please focus your love and attention on your children until they are up and out of the house. PLEASE!

Yes they should meet him. Make it a casual affair like a picnic, or have him meet you at one of their sports games. But if you are interested in this guy your kids should have a say so in him too. Your kids are old enough to understand what is going on and probably want you to be happy.

R., sounds like you really love your kids. Also sounds like, even ASIDE from them, you are very busy. I think you should not go forward with a relationship w this friend and I think if he's your friend, he'll understand. A relatinoship will only take away from what time your kids have with you now-working and going to school must take up alot (WOW! How do you do it; u r wonderwoman!). Your kids are very young yet and I firmly believe they don't need anymore competition for your time. Wait til they are much older. If you just need a friend, call me! I'll be your friend:)

If you are not ready for the next level, don't let him push you. If you do let the kids meet him, many times kids are a great judge of character and will give you great feedback. I've been in a situation like this. If I had to do it over, I'd do a background check first on the guy. Even though my kids loved him, turns out he had some serious issues -legal ones - that turned out to destroy us. Your kids should always come first.

I was also a single mother of 3 children, who has recently remarried. The blending of families is very difficult. However, it could be worth it. You will never know how your children will handle it if they don't meet a possible future father and siblings. My question would be to you...If you are uncertain about letting them meet, perhaps he is not the one you would consider for that position?

R.: I think you instincts are correct. Keep the guy away from the kids and concentrate all your efforts on raising them and giving them all of your attn. With kids so young, a job and school, you really don't have time for dating. Your kids need 100% of you.

Mary

My personal feeling on this is that when there are children involved, you have to be extremely careful. My first husband and I split up when our son was 2, and eventually I started dating someone with whom I had been friends for a while. I wouldn't let my son or this other man have any contact for many months - not until I was sure that the relationship was serious and was going to go somewhere. I just didn't think it was right to expose my child to someone who may or may not be a temporary figure in our lives, kwim? That can be very unsettling for children. When I knew the relationship was serious, I slowly introduced the man into my son's life. We ended up getting married and have now been married for almost 7 years and have had 4 more children together, with another one expected this summer :)

Anyhow, I think you are right to be careful about this situation. I suppose if you and this other man are just going to remain "friends" you could introduce him into your kids' lives as just a friend, but I would be careful about the role he takes on with your kids.

Good luck!

Having dated a single parent dad prior to meeting my husband, I made it a point to not meet or spend time with his daughter. I knew that my relationship with her dad was simply "fun" and would never be anything more and for that reason, I did not want to be one more adult in her life who left. Unless you both have serious plans to make this relationship a permanent situation, I wouldn't introduce or expect that the guy you're dating build a relationship with your children.

Sounds like with 3 children and school, and Daddy at home, you have a lot on your plate. Sometimes we need to think about the real complications that come with adding a boyfriend/girlfriend to the mix. Really think about the drama that comes with it, and whether your children's lives need to be complicated more than they already are. I know you must crave companionship, but you've already made one huge mistake that effects them, is it fair to them to have to go through another one? Consider waiting until they are older, possible 18yrs, and I'm not saying this would be easy, but consider the stability you'd give them by making them the most imporant people in your life.

If you don't see it going any further than friends, then just keep things neutral. There is no reason you can't have friends. But if you see things going further and getting serious then at some point down the road you will need to introduce them to your "friend." It all depends on how far you see this going. If you're open to the idea of dating him then I would give it a little more time before introducing him. That way if things don't work out you don't have to explain why he isn't around anymore.

First things first...Way to go. A mom of three and your bs degree. That deserves praise.

Now...dating is tricky. I say if you want them to get to know him, do it was friends first. That will take the awkwardness out of the equasion. Go do something like bowling or batting cages. Something fun and playful that your kids will enjoy. See how they interact with him. You may find that seeing him with your kids attracts you to him even more. You may also find that they don't like him or you don't like how he is with them and that would keep you from losing a friend.

If you decide to date him...take your time with the kids involved. Go on a few dates alone together and then every few weeks or maybe once a month do something with him and the kids. This will give you time to get to know him and them time to get used to you dating.

The biggest challenge is to be honest with yourself. I stayed single for a very long time and I don't regret it at all. I do regret the 1 other guy my daughter met before I met my current husband. However, she doesn't really remember him and it didn't really affect her. I didn't let them get close, so it worked out ok. With my husband I paced things. The more I saw him with my daughters the more I fell in love with him.

Good Luck. You deserve happiness.

Please don't do it. Your kids are young and don't need to deal with drama of you dating. You didn't mention where their dad is and they don't need another man to maybe walk out on them again after a couple months or years. If you're working and going to school, you're time with themis probably already stretched. They will probably wirew him as competition and not react well. You'll have plenty of time for dating once they go to college. Be there for your kids-it is the most important thing.

Hi,
First of all I want to say CONGRATULATIONS on getting to the end of your BS!!! And with 3 kids to boot. My hat is off to you. I also am very impressed on how you keep your social life separate from your home life. You are not running off and marrying the guy tomorrow right? In my opinion I would think about letting my kids meet this person depending on how long I have known him and if I could see how he was with other kids such as nieces nephews cousins. Do you have any gut feelings that are telling you not to let this person meet your fam? IF so run now. Or you could take him somewhere that is very kid oriented and see how he does in that type of stressful loud situation. Good luck

Hi R.,
You sound like you have alot on your plate..3 kids very close in age, working and a full time college student! That is very admirable.
I see nothing wrong with spending a casual afternoon with your friend and your kids. A good way to explain it is that your kids have friends, and Mom has friends too. Make sure that it is casual, and low stress since this is a new experience for you. Give yourself permission to have a life, and have fun. You deserve it!
By the way, I am a married Mom of 2 kids 10, 11 with my own buisness and I volunteer alot at school.
-JSP Sunland

I was divorced when my twins were 14 months old. They are 15 yrs old now. When they were younger, like your children...I kept my "dating" to the weekends they were with their dad only. I met someone with whom we got serious and so I introduced my kids and we got married. The marriage did not work out, so now the kids have two divorces under their belt. I will surely get alot of flak for this from others...but in my opinion, especially in retrospect, is don't date at all until the kids are older. And if you must, confine it to the weekends/time they are with the other parent. Kids are much more perceptive then given credit for and after "losing" a two parent household..they really just want you all to their self. I deeply regret the few years I "shared" my valuable time with my kids with a relationship. They are teenagers now, and have little time for mom and that gives me more time for a social life. But I learned my lesson, if I had to do it all over again, I would not involve my kids in dating at all..and just do nothing serious until they are grown. My b/f now understands this...and that I am not truly single for a few more years. As I mentioned, I get alot of critisism for my opinion on this, but I think its important to put the kids first until you get them grown and out of the house. They already "lost" one parent in the divorce...we shouldn't make them share the only remaining parent in the home with anyone else. On a side note...my kids dad remarried ten years ago and has recently had a child with the new wife. My kids are devastated that he has started a new family as if his old family didn't exist. This may be unreasonable and irrational for kids to think this way...but they do. They all do. They just want their moms and dads as long as they can. My kids have been very resentful of time spent with step mother during their visitation weekends that should be about them. I will get off my soapbox... :) It just seems like kids are always getting the short end of the stick after divorce when us adults (myself included!) move on without really contemplating what we just did to their world. We tend to use the justification that "we are entititled to our own happiness and life too.". I know that is what I thought :( Now I wish I had just focused all my energy on raising my kids instead of anything else. (3 yrs with this other man that could have been 100% my kids time) A couple more years and I will have mine raised..and then I can make up for lost time and rum amuk! In the meantime...its all about them ;)

I think it's great that you put your kids first. Keep it up! :-) My opinion is that you should only introduce your children to your 'friend' if you actually do see the relationship going somewhere. If you think this person is going to be in your life (on whatever level) for an extended period of time then I see nothing wrong with introducing them. However, if you are unsure I think you should wait. Your kids don't need people coming in and out of their lives.
Best wishes!

Go for it! I was also a widowed mother of three children when I met this wonderful guy. I threw caution to the wind and said "what the heck" let the pieces fall where they may. We married and had two more children and twenty plus years of fun, laughter, companionship and love. All of the children loved him and the great father he was. He passed away after a long battle with cancer. I can't imagine anyone being able to fill his shoes and I am gratful that I didn't let my fear of remarriage keep me from sharing a life with this great man. Like I said, "Go for it"!

Dear R.,
Since you are only friends with this person, I suggest you do not go to the next level. You are right in keeping your children close to you.
There is no such thing, in my opinion, as a woman having a guy friend. Maybe when we are younger and newts, but as we mature, men look at women differently and they think about sexual gratification A LOT!
Hold back awhile...make sure you can trust him with your children's hearts before moving on and that can take a long while!
I hope I don't sound bitter, I am not. I am advocate of safety for children. Why is this person in a hurry to get involved with your kids?
If you are JUST FRIENDS, what are your feelings? Does this person make you feel loved?
Think about it.
C.

Including your children in your friendship would be natural. My kids go to see my closest friend with me and they love her. Since you guys are friends (for now) why not include him in an outing or two to let the kids get a feel for him, and vice versa. It would be no different than if he was a girl friend. This way, going out with him wouldn't take you away from them - they might actually prefer that. I know for me, when I dated my husband, a lot of our dates included my children because I couldn't afford child care (since I paid for that during the day while at work). Good luck and God Bless You! Have some fun!!!!

Since you're the one asking advice, I'm going to put my two-cents in.

I think it is very unfair of you to add extra dating drama and time away from your kids, to the mix. Haven't they suffered enough disappointment from the divorce? Then you work and go to school? So, the little time they do get to see you, you want to add him in also?

My advice is not sugar coated, but often the truth hurts. I think when the advice of a stranger hits a nerve, that's often because there is a lot of truth in it.

You need to listen to read a book called, "The Ten Stupid Things Parents Do to Mess up Their Kids Lives," by Dr. Laura Schlechinger (spelled wrong).

Do the right thing, that would be to put your dating life on hold and suck it up for your kids. Despite what you ex-husband does with his. You can only control what you do.

If you decide not to heed this advice, the least you could do for them is not to introduce him until AT LEAST a year of dating (not being engaged), but dating.

But my vote is for spending what little time you have, with them.

R.,

If he is only a friend, why not? You expect to meet your childrens friends so it should go both ways. What's wrong with a family picnic at the park, or a hiking place where your kids can meet his kids. I think if you are expecting this to go someplace in the future you should do things with both family's. This way it's more of an outing with friend's, and not the whole "meet your possibly new dad". Where your kids can get to know him before they want to judge him, as the new parent. This is a great way for you to see how he is with his kids and yours, then you can make a better judgement on going on to the next step of this relationship. Best Wishes to you and your friend!
J.

It sounds like you have a full life right now. Some dating can make life fun and your children may need more time with you and not another person. Who knows after college is done and you have more time that you would make a better mom, girlfriend and have some time for yourself too.
D.

I strongly agree with the wise women on this post who have advised you to wait. As mothers, our children have to be our top priority. Kids get very attached and if it doesn't work out it will be another disappointment for them. It's a scary thought but the reality is that you also have to be very cautious about who you allow your kids to interact with because sexual predators prey on single women with children to gain access to the kids.

If and when you choose to introduce them-make sure you just look like friends to them, don't hold hands, look starry eyed,that kind of stuff(they will pick up on it.) That way if it does not work out they will think no big deal because he was just one of your friends. It will give you a chance to see how they interact and start out very slow -like once a month, and if you can, add a day out with one of your girl friends and your kids so that they do not see any difference. Then if your relationship starts to gets to the point where he is your serious boyfriend and you want the kids to see him differently, you can start saying "How do you guys feel about______ and would you like to do things with him more? You are allowing them to make the decision too which will be appreciated and you will get to hear how they really feel about him and they won't feel like he pounced on your family to take you away.

Try getting together with groups of other families or other people so that it is not just the kids and him and you. This will draw attention away from just him and be more of a relaxed atmosphere for the kids to get to know who he is too without the awkwardness. I don't know how long you have been with him, but way before you talk about making plans for a definate future together he is right you need to allow him to see if children, specifically yours are something he is ready to sign up for. Parenting styles are different sometimes, among a lot of other things. But you are right in being cautious as not to introduce your kids to everyone that you causually date. Good luck I was in the same position eight years ago and it is hard to date with children in the picture. :o)