Is Anyone Out There?

It sounds like he has his priorities straight and is a good guy. That doesn't mean he's the right guy for you though. It sounds like you want a man who wants to "start" a family with you, and at 29 you don't have so many years to waste. It might be time to move on and find another person who is in the same place in life as you.

Hi E., I am not in this situation I was a few yrs. ago he had a little girl we lived together 7 months, anyway I took her along with my daughter to the grocery store, is there anything you can do with her read a book to her, go the park she is probably is adjusting to having you share daddy's attention, I hope everything works out. L.

If he hasn't asked you to marry or have children with him by now, then don't waste anymore time on him. You are at that age where you dont have much time to waste on waiting for children and a family.

First of all, if you love this man, you're going to have learn to love his kids too. I'm in a situation where my ex's girlfriend totally hates my kids and my (3) kids are suffering from it. Their heart is broken that their dad totally sides with his girlfriend when it comes to his kids. Couple of weeks ago my kids tried to call their dad to ask if he could buy some shoes or a backpack for them for school and his girlfriend cussed out my daughter and hurt her feelings. Now my kids are struggling with their feelings toward their father and his girlfriend. Its to a point now where my kids want nothing to do with their father. The kids were very close to their dad, but since our separation they have come to a realization that their dad has other priorities in his life. The kids will always be a part of his life, maybe not physically, but hopefully in his heart. I hope you give this child second thoughts when it comes to your jealousy, anger and your other horrible negative feelings. She never asked to be born, but she will always be a part of his life forever.

I totally understand feeling like a failure when a marriage ends and you always fear of taking a dive again and then having to go through another divorce. What everyone needs is someone to share their life with. A committed partner. Marriage is a commitment, a covenant that you care deeply enough to say to the other person and the world that you love this person and will try no matter what to make it last forever. I really don't think anyone should have children outside of marriage and believe that children need a mother and father. What will make this guy decide that he wants to marry you? I don't think youn would be jealous if he was showing you the love you needed and you did not have issues with self esteem. Jealousy comes from a lack of self esteem. We've all been there. Dr. Phil's book "Self Matters" is so great. I don't know if I would devote all my time and energy to a man that is not sure about marrying me but we live together and have been together for 2 years. Any man better know he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and be committed to do so no matter what fear he may have of failure. He should know me and trust that I would do whatever it takes to make the marriage last and if he is not sure about more children, you should not get pregnant with his baby. Anyway, that's my two cents for what it's worth. Good luck and take care :))

Hi E.,
I am a 28 year old with four kids!! I feel as though you need to astablish a good relationship with his child in order to 1st make sure he knows that you will be a good mom then you should make sure that it is the child that you are jealous of. I have a problem with my daughter and mother I was the baby for years until I had my own daughter then she became my moms baby. Which sucks but, I always have to take a step back and realize that She is just a kid and I am an adult being jealous only hurts the people that are jealous and the people we are jealous of. I think that you should work on yourself and not so much focus on his daughter. I hope that this opinion helped you a little I know that it isn't easy. And I think that one of these days you will have a baby of your own and understand why he treats her like a princess. you never really know until you know.

Hi E.. I'm 22 years old and I have three children. One biological and two adopted. In fact, the oldest isn't my fiance's either. She's his ex's. They all came into my life three years ago. My oldest, I got when she was four and my son, I got when he was 11 months. I was completely jealous of the oldest! She was always telling me how great her mother was and how I was never gonna be her mother and I was never gonna be the boss of her. It hurt my feelings. I cried a lot. But now, things are great. She's seven and she helps out a lot, especially with the new baby! She knows the baby's not her real sister but that doesn't stop her from loving her. Of course we still have our disagreement but, I just had to be patient. If you really love your boyfriend and he really loves you, it will all work out for you. Good Luck!

This guy is bad news. You'd probably be less upset with his relationship with his daughter if you felt that he was interested in marriage and fatherhood with you. You deserve someone who isn't ambivalent. You're not going to change his mind, and his reaction to you isn't about you, it's about him. And what you don't want is to look up in five years and realize you're in the same position, because the deeper into your thirties you go, the more difficult it is to conceive.

Hey E.,
I too have a live in B/F that has a child from another marriage. We both want to have a child, but my ex husband made me get my tubes cut and corterized. The surgery to undo this is 6 to 7 thousand dollars(we don't have)and there is only a 60 % (or so) chance for me to get pregnant after the surgery. On top of this I only have one tube due to a tubal pregnancy. My boyfriend and I have a 15 yr old son together, but he wasn't around a whole lot due to the fact of my now ex husband's jealousy's. My boyfriend's other child was stripped from him when his wife left him for another. So he never got to raise a child of his own. I want desperately to give that to him(plus wanting more children of my own) I don't know what to do either. Just thought I'd let ya know there is another here in Paulden that has a similar situation.

E....wow...i have a lot to share with you...before i explain myself let me ask you a few questions i had to face..

two years is a very long time, so you've got to know eachother quite well...are you jealous because he lavishes money? or is it the attenion among another? im not trying to be rude at all...also, you would like a baby of your own, like me...i know that feeling ( it'll never happen until you least expect it, or until to spend too much stress and energy)...what is the reasoning honestly that you want a child so desperately? if you lacked parenthood growing up, then it's because he has felt the first breath and you can picture you in the delivery room, but if it's because you spend time and he shows unconditional love for you, and then his baby is there and it's all about her that you want a child then i would re-kindle the flame in your heart for the love of an innocent being

now, im 24, been married twice, gone through 2 ectopic pregnancies, lived on the street since i was 12 and seen too many sorrows...ive depended on men all my life, supported myself and felt the hurt of loosing life inside of me...it's still so real...i have no mom nor father and i am glad that i was given this life...the same time that i decided that i didn't need to depend on anyone else my entire life accept myself, i crossed paths with henry who had raised his two kids himself for 1 1/2 years...i am now their mother and i am blessed...it happened when i least expected it...and believe me..it's a fairytale...so E....please look at that little girl with eyes wide open and share YOUR love, life, heart, soul, spirit and wings with her...you may be the angel that she needs growing up in this hateful world of death and destruction...have respect for the mom...invite her into your life as well and accept that she was there before you knew your man... you'll never change what you have chosen..

take care of yourself.. if and when the time is right you will have your own...but if you were to have a baby right now...the little girl already on planet earth will grow up with lots of hate. she can sense how you feel about her...change your heart before you change other view of you.

S.

Hi E., first I am sorry for my english, is not really very good, but I try.. I really understand your situation sooo well, I being marry for last 4 years and we have a 14 Y.O son, from when my husband was a teen, that my husband take care alone from where our son was 4 months old. I am teacher too, but I work as a Child Behavior Counselor, I was thinking that with all the experience that i had, I will have not problem at all, but I was wrong. My son have special needs and 4 different diagnosis, belive me is very difficult for me. but you know what?? at the begining i have to stop my self because I was jealouse, but one day I put myself in his little shoes and what i saw do not was very nice. I guess if you try that in your situation will be easier, like close your eyes and try to imagine that you are that 4 year Old girl, and open your heart to her, try to feel her fears and all her risky safety and unsecurity, is really hard i am sure, but is something that will fill you up from happiness.
Is not easy even today (4 years after) and we trying to have a baby too, but everyday I have to repeat and talk with God (and I am not very religious) and I guess that all of that is because I love my husband and I love kids I desesperate want a baby my own (other thing that help me is think in if something happend to me and the next partner do something bad to my baby).
Then you are not alone, do not torture yourself, is a normal feeling, but the positive and healty way is find a path of love. I wish you the best luck with the girl and the future baby. A.

I agree with Mary. Don't settle for someone who doesn't want the same things as you do. If you do and try to convince yourself that children are really not all that important to you, not only will you resent his four year old daughter, you'll begin to resent him as well. One last thought, if you decide to stay with this man then you should really try to get your jealousy under control. It's not fair to the little girl at all. She did not choose to be born, nor did she choose to have her parents divorce. Her father is putting her first, and that should comfort you knowing just how important his child is to him (in case he changes his mind and decides to have a child with you as well.) Hope this helps and doesn't sound too harsh.

Hi E.,

I'm not in the same situation, but me older sister is nearly in your same situation. She and her dh have sons of their own, but neither of them have custody of them. She wants a child of their own, but he doesn't want one. He thinks if they have another child, they won't be able to give the attention to their own children that he desperately wants to give (particurily to his own child).

My sister is having a hard time showing love to her dh's son. And vice versa for her husband and her son.

Know that you're not alone, but to do your best with your boyfriend's dd. Show her all the love you can possibly muster, and before long, it won't take any effort at all to love her. That will mean so much to your boyfriend. Maybe it's what he needs to feel more secure in commitment with marriage and fathering another child.

The best of luck!
K.

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. What if this was your child, how would you like someone else to treat her? I have been happily married for 10 years - my husband has 2 kids (now 14, 12) from his late wife & I too had two kids (now 16, 11) from my first marriage. We have one daughter (now 8) together and the only advice I offer is: COMMUNICATION! talk about with your boyfriend and don't be
afraid to talk to his daughter, she might have mixed feelings about you as well. If your boyfriend and you are meant to be together, this will be a great way to start a prosperous family - and don't forget to ask God to work in your life. God bless you!

J. C. L.
Rio Rancho, NM 87144-7516

i have 3 children and my husband has 5. we combined our house hold and we have had to deal with several issues with the children one of them not being jealous because we both have children of our own we know the love between a parent and a child. If you had a child of your own you would know that the love is the most incredible love you could ever experience and you would more understand him and why he treats her the way he does. You need to make a decision about your relationship with him. If he is unsure about marrage or a child then stop wasting you time with him. If he was sure about his love for you and your relationship he would commit and want to have a child with you. He could however be very concerned about you being jealous of his daughter he might be feeling that if you two had a child that you would leave his daughter out and not give her the same love that you would give your child together. Please remember in your heart that his daughter did not ask to be put in the situation either and that she is just a little girl and loves her daddy. it is very hard to be a step parent you have certain boundries that you can not step across but you still must assume the love and money part. Step back and put your self in his position if you did have the child you so despertly want and then could only see that child one weekend a month and a couple weeks during the summer you would lavish and be with that child every moment because you miss out on some much of there lives the rest of the time. If you would like to ask me about step parenting just email me because I have been through it all and been through all the x's in both our lives. a little about me is I met the love of my life 3 years ago and we work everything out even if there are tears. He has a 4 year old little boy that lives in mn with his mom, my husband went and spent a week with them. He had to stay with his x wife in her house because we only had money for the plane trip. was I jealous oh yes more than anything but once I seen the pic's of him and his son and talked to them on the phone i realized that its his baby. I have a 7 year old that lives with us and spends just the same amount of time with me that he does with his dad and step mom. we actually go over and have bbq's with them. he has 2 daughters one 13 that lives with us and a 11 year old which comes almost every weekend. I have a 13 year old son and a 15 year old daughter from a previouse marrage that are with us as well. hope every thing works out for you

Hi E. - I was in a similar situation with my now husband (and daddy to our lovely baby girl). I have a 14 yr old stepson who was 9 at the time we started dating. Not having kids at that time, I had the same feelings as you. My husband was also like your boyfriend regarding the not wanting have kids again/marry because of past bad relationships. It took us a long time to get where we are, but there came a time where he knew I wouldn't wait much longer for a concrete commitment (ie getting engaged) He knew from the beginning that I wanted kids and to be married and that if that wasn't an option for him, then it was a definite dealbreaker. He finally came around after I proved that I was loyal and trustworthy, etc. Now that we have a child together, I understand how all you want to do as a parent is lavish attention on and spoil your child. It makes feel bad about once having feelings similar to what you are feeling. It is natural as a parent to want to do everything for your child. My best advice would be to try to work on the jealous thing. He will not choose you over his child, so don't ever make it a me or your kid issue. He will just resent you. Try to create a relationship with his daughter. Also, is he the right man for you? How long have you been together? If you are in a new relationship it may take a while for him to trust you. If you've been in it for a while, are you willing to wait for him to come around? After a certain point, it is not fair for you to suffer for what other women did to him. But I do think living together is a step in the right direction. I would worry about marriage first before having a child. There was no way my hubby was having another child out of wedlock. Definitely let him know how you feel and be completely honest with him. Don't pressure him and try to take it slow. You have to communicate in any good relationship. If he doesn't seem like he will come around, don't compromise your life dreams for him. I believe there is hope, it may just take a while. My hubby and I started dating in 2001, got engaged in 2003, got married in Feb 05 and had our daughter in April 06. So you can see that it took a while to get where we are, and it was worth the wait. If you'd like to talk more, just send me a message. I truly hope it works out for you, be patient. Take care, Kiran

The only thing that I could recommend is that if he's not willing to commit to soemthing that is so apparently important to you, I think that maybe you need to re-evaluate what you need in your life and what you will need from a spouse. As far as the little girl goes, feel blessed that this little wonder for some apparent reason has entered your life. If you stay with him and know that you might never have children, she might be your only connection to a child. It's hard to picture the one you love having a previous life before he entered yours, but just think of it like that. Remember, that loving a child is completely different from loving a partner. It's a love yes, but it's a different kind. So appreciate that you could have a great relationship with this little girl.

I hope all goes well and it works out.

I went through the same thing and know exactly how you feel. My boyfriend of 4 years was married before and has a daughter with his ex-wife. We however have a son together, but when she came he would pay so much attention to her and give her compliments and buy her things and he was a totally different person when she was around. I was jealous of the attention he gave her because he never gave me that attention and me being 23 at the time I would then get mad at myself because I was jealous of a 4 year old. The last thing you should do is let the daughter or your boyfriend know their relationship hurts you because you can't come between them. Whether you two make it work or not they're still going to be dad and daughter and you can't break that loving bond and if you try, the only thing you're going to hurt is the relationship between you and your boyfriend. Show your boyfriend you accept his daughter and while you're not her mom, you can still be her friend and as she grows up she'll really like the fact you're there. Since my boyfriend was married before he really doesn't want to get married again. We've been together 4 years now and I know him and her were only together for about a year and half total and I'm a lot better person then she was so I think he's just holding her against me and thinks I'm going to do the same thing as her and just up and leave one day even though I have no intentions of doing so. I would love to get married, but I realized I love him so I can either stay with him and be happy even though we're not married because if you really love someone it shouldn't matter if you're married, or not, or I can fight it and try to push him to get married and probably end up really hurting our relationship. So you have two options, enjoy the time you spend with him and love him and make your relationship really great, or fight for things. If you choose to fight and he doesn't want it, you may need to move on to someone who wants the same things as you.

HELLO WELL I MYSELF DATED IN THE PAST MEN WITH CHILDREN AND IT WAS DIFFICULT ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE NO CHILDREN OF YOUR OWN. I HAVE FELT JEALOUS AND WANTING THEM TO FEEL THAT LOVE FOR ME. AT THE TIME I DID NOT UNDERSATND THAT LOVE BETWEEN A PARENT AND CHILD. WELL NOW I HAVE TWO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN AND THAT LOVE IS SO STRONG. I THINK ITS WONDERFUL THAT HE IS AN INVOLVED, CARING DAD. THAT LOVE HE FEELS FOR HER WILL NEVER CHANGE SO I THINK YOU MAY NEED TO ACEPT IT FOR THE RELATIONSHIP TO WORK. DOES HE KNOW HOW YOU FEEL? MAYBE TALK TO HIM. I AM GOING THROUGHA HARD TIME IN MY RELATIONSHIP AND IF WE BREAK UP I AM SURE I WILL BE IN NO RUSH TO PURSUE ANOTHER MYSELF SO I FEEL WHERE HE IS COMING FROM BUT I FEEL YOU TO BECAUSE I HAVE BEEN THERE ALSO. I DON'T KNOW IF I HELPED BUT I HOPE I DID. FEEL FREE TO ASK ME QUETIONS AND MAYBE I CAN BE MORE HELP. WELL GOOD LUCK

E.,
I truly feel for you, as I dated someone with a very young child many years ago, when I was single. As a single man, at the time, I did not feel comfortable in a relationship where I had to adjust to a child as well as a new girlfriend, especially when she insisted on bringing the child along so early in the relationship (less than 3 weeks in), rather than leaving the child with his involved father. That relationship did not last long...
Anyway, here I am 18 years later, divorced and with sole custody of my 4 year old daughter. I would first like to note, that most people who have sole custody of a child after a divorce, have a strong loving bond with that child. I know that may not be the same case with you, but I felt it needed mentioning.
From the man's point of view, I dearly love my daughter and will do whatever has to be done to assure her proper and happy development. Her input and comfort level with any new relationship is extremely important to me. My ex and I have been divorced for 18 months now and I guess I'm still recovering from the whole process, yet I am lonely and would like to explore a new relationship (just a close friend for now). Any relationship will have to involve getting to know my daughter, who is the center of my universe.
I too lavish her with attention (and gifts when deserved). An important point though, at least from my perspective, is that I have learned, and continue to learn, a new side and great deal about compassion and sensitivity. That vital experience will truly help me to be much more open to the feelings of anyone who chooses to get involved with me. There MUST be some separation, in regards to time and attention, between Daughter and close friend, yet there must be a noticeable and demonstrated effort on all sides to accept and be comfortable with the new relationships. In my case it would be difficult to keep my daughter away for long as her mother has chosen to have little to no involvement in her life. Relationships are always a learning process. Everyone must respect the feelings and views of each other, if they choose to pursue each other and get closer. I personally feel that I have a person well worth getting to know better and pursuing if that person accepts, appreciates, understands, and wants to be a part of my relationship with my daughter, while establishing a unique place of her own in my heart. That's what building a relationship under those circumstances is all about.
Your boyfriend has to be respectful of your feelings. He has to make it a point to fully understand as well.
If I may, you have to be completely up front, tactful, and honest about how you feel about his daughter. From his viewpoint, if you have any doubts about his daughter, there will be problems and to be realistic and honest, you will come out on the short end. You will need to deeply look at your feelings about his daughter and how she fits into the overall relationship. She is not going away and any negative feelings will eventually be discovered and require detailed addressing. You don't have to be a mother to her, but you do have to be a good friend. She is bonded to her father and that bond is vital to both of them. The two of you have to discuss and know your parts in each others lives. You do deserve a place in his life and heart, but you must be totally willing to share that place. Should you both decide to go further and have children, I am sure the child will receive the same, if not more, attention that his Daughter currently gets. It will also change the focus of your attention as well. Having children, for the right people, will change your life and take a great deal of focus away from yourself. I personally want more children, but, at the same time, am apprehensive about marriage due to previous bad experience. I do know that a reasonably patient, good, and understanding person can help change that though.
That's just my way of looking at it, as a single Dad with a young daughter. I hope this helps with a little insight from the other side.

S.

I grew up in a home similar to yours. My parents eventually married but never had kids together. The only advice I can give is look at the entirety of the situation and ask yourself if it brings out the best in you! You want kids, let your boyfriend know again and see his response. You can't compromise your feelings on the matter and if he won't either, it might be time to move on. You are young enough. On his daughter, take time to be alone with her and treat her like the daughter you don't have,yet :) Make her a part of your life and see your boyfriend is giving his daughter all of his love that he can't do ALL of the time. Remember she is a kid and innocent in this situation. Good luck

Well first of all if marriage and kids is something you really want and your boyfriend doesn't, it may be time really look at whether you guys are right for each other.
Second, of course he lasvishes attention on her- she's his daughter, and he hardly ever sees her. Its unfair and honestly quite selfish of you to be jealous of a little girl who hardly ever gets to see her Dad. If you can't welcome her with open arms, then don't be in her life at all, the last thing she needs is negativity in an already difficult situation.

Hi E.- wow, you have certainly gotten a wide range of responses! I am not in your same situation, but I have experienced my husband's uncertainty many years ago about getting married and having a child and my own all-encompassing desire to have a child of my own. If you love him and really want to build a life and family with him, you have no choice but to wait for him to make up his mind- and to commit to making the best of the wait. If you can't wait for him to make up his mind, that's okay, but you need to do everyone a favor and move on to finding the guy out there who is ready to give you the answer you need to hear. The bottom line is that sometimes things happen- or don't happen- for a reason.
As far as his daughter goes, when all else fails, treat her as you would your very best student- you know, the one you wish you could clone. I don't know what you teach, but as an elementary school teacher, it's not hard to feel that some of my students are my children at times, so this could help alleviate the "pain" that her being his daughter-but not yours-causes. Because she's 4 and has no capacity to understand our complicated feelings as adults, be careful to be as genuinely kind to and interested in her as possible. And if you can't be kind or interested, then avoid being around her- better to be absent (with believable reasons, of course!) than to make her feel that she has done anything wrong!
I am sorry that I can't offer better words of advice- wanting a child can really consume your life, and I know that. Even though I have one son, I am always thinking/dreaming/talking about having another child, though my husband is pretty sure he doesn't want a second. I truly understand your ache, and what has helped mine is to really focus on the wonderful existence of my son- and to realize that even if he's all I have, he's more than enough. Though she isn't your child and your boyfriend isn't sure about marriage, you have an awesome opportunity to have the wonder of her childhood as part of your life, and to experience the amazing love between parent/grown up and child/little one. In my experience, young children generally don't give a damn about biology when they decide who to love and share themselves with.

My boyfriend whom I live with has a 3 year old son. Its funny cause it was fine until I did have one of my own, then everything with the whole situation fell apart. His son is really... odd. He is slow, and doesn't understand things, and doesn't listen at all. In addition to that (which already starts me off irritated whenever he is around) I feel like my boyfriend treats his previous son much better than ours. We used to fight about it constantly and it eventually came out htat he didn't wanna discipline the other one at all cause he didn't wanna be the "bad guy" when he only got to see him every so often. We have since started counseling for the issue, but still sometimes (often actually, like every time his son is around) think that it is just not worth it and I have to get away from this. I struggle with feeling very guilty and very much like a terrible person because I really don't like the kid, and because I hate how nice his dad is to him. (Not that I don't want him to be nice, but the child we have together has rules and gets told no and stuff like that, and his doesn't.) It is really hard and I still don't know what to do, but I do think it will just get worse when you have one together because if you already feel like this then you are always gonna feel like his daughter is more important to him than the child you make together, and that is a terrible feeling especially because you will want to protect your child from ever feeling that. You have to decide to either try really hard, see someone, try to become a family with the 3 of you when she is there, or to not, but my advice is PLEASE do not make a child in this situation until you are sure what you wanna do. And I only say that because I did exactly the opposite and am so torn between my baby having a dad and mom together to grow up with, or seeing his dad only sometimes and maybe never having to feel like he means less to his own dad than someone else!! Good luck!

1st off... thats his daughter & you are always gonna come 2nd to her but thats the way it should be. it shows that he is a good father & you should respect that. 2nd... you should talk to him about wanting more kids & wanting to be married. explain to him that you arnt his ex & if hes happy with you & wants to stay with you those are things that you need to be happy as well. but as for you being jelious of her, thats something you need to get over. if you care about him you will care about his daughter & if you care about his daughter you will be happy that he is that good to her. there are so many childern out there with parents that dont care or want nothing to do with there child. be greatful you are with a careing man & express to him that you really need a child of your own as well.

E.,

This is just one persons opinion and I hope you get many concerning your situation. It is hard to know exactly what to do when you have so many feelings coursing through relationships but I would reevaluate your entire situation.

There will be nothing you can do about your boyfriends love for his child. In fact more men should show such affection and attention to their children. Most times men figure that is what a women is for and forget that children need love from both parents.

If you honestly feel that you cannot get over these feelings then it is time to move on and find someone that does not have to share his time with other children of his own.

Time is wasting, be honest and upfront with your boyfriend and hopefully he will be honest about his feelings with you.

MAMAS YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT THIER IS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING, AND THERE IS A MEANING BEHIND HER BEING IN YOUR LIFE... JUST REMEMBER THAT THIS IS NOT LITTLE MAMAS FAULT. SHE JUST WANTS TO BE ACCEPTED LIKE EVERYONE ELSE... IF YOUR PARTNER IS A LITTLE WEARY ON MAKING ANYTHING FINAL, JUST KNOW THATS PROBLY THE BEST AND WISEST THING HE COULD DO. BE PATIENT AND OPEN YOUR HEART TO THIS LITTLE GIRL.. HE SPENDS ALL THAT MONEY AND SPOILS HER BECAUSE THATS DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL.....IF YOU WANT A CHILD SO BAD MABE YOU NEED TO REEVALUATE YOUR 2 YEAR RELATIONSHIP AND WEIGH OUT YOUR OPTIONS AND NEEDS. THANKS FOR LISTENING.. TAKE CARE AND I WISH YOU ALL THE BEST...

E.,

Sounds like you have some deep deciding to do. Need to weigh out how important marriage and a child is vs. a boyfriend who is not willing to commit. Life is to short not to make it what you wish it to be. Jealousy is a really bad demon. It is understandable that your feeling jealous but, keep in mind it is a small child involved who did not ask for the cards that have been dealt her way. She does not need to feel any ill feelings from you. Maybe, you need to address these feelings and wishes with your boyfriend. He needs to understand where it is you are coming from. If he reacts in a negative way then that can only help to make your decision. He may give you some hope to your future as well.
Good luck and be happy,

G.

You sure have received a lot of responses. I've not read through all of them, but here is my advice. You are young and have got a lot of potential. You need to dump the guy and move on. You will find someone else that has the same values and understanding as you. You will only continue to be miserable if you stay with this guy. Good luck.

E.,
When I married the first time, he came with a 13 month old, who we had a lot. It is frustrating to be an instant mom, but what better way to hone those parenting skills. He is now 27 and kept me in the divorce. She is only 4, and came along in a package deal, use this as an opprotunity to show him you can be a good mother, and from experience, children are really easy to love no matter if they are yours or not, my second husband came with 3. We have a huge family now, and I love every one of them. Do yourself a favor, get some counseling about this, she is only 4 and needs you too.

Well, my situation was a little different, I had the baby and my husband to be was the one without the kids, I didn't want anymore either and wasn't sure I wanted to pursue a marriage type relationship, but when I saw how he took my daughter in and loved her as his own it made me realize what an awsome father/husband he would be. It takes a very large hearted person to take in someone elses little one, and the fact that he could showed me what I wanted..
I think all you need to do is accept this little girl as a child- not yours but just a little girl that needs things.. Then eventually I think it will grow into a great relationship and hopefully your boyfriend will realize that you are going to be a great mother and his past wont dictate his future with you..

Being involved with a parent is very difficult, I have done it myself. However, there are other ways to look at this little girl and their relationship. 1)The very fact that he is in her life is a sign of the man he is. 2)If he treats his daughter like this, then rest assured that when the day comes for the two of you to have children, your children will be showered with love. 3) She is just a kid. She has no control over how her father is to her, she just loves him. 4) I have been with my boyfriend for four years and still no ring. I met him the day I brought my daughter home from the hospital. (her bio father was abusive) I may not have his ring, but I sure do have his love, and my daughter has even more of it. If he had treated my daughter anyother way, I would have left him. This problem you have with his child is just another reason not to marry, and lets face it, men don't need a reason to be scared of the "M" word. The first step is realizing that unless you try love this child as your own, you will ruin what you have. The love he has for her will always come before his love for you, and it will be the same way if you two have children together. Why would you want it anyother way. The love for his children should surpass any and all others. Open your heart and stop being selfish, that is when it will all come to you, when you are ready to handle what comes. Pass this test, and you will pass all of his others. Good love, and Good luck.

E.-
I'm not in the same situation as you. I have four children with my husband and we both share the same feelings about them. They will always come first no matter what. So, my advice to you is realize that your boyfriend will choose his child over you... if he has to. If you really want to be with him you need to show him and his daughter that you love them both. He won't want to be with someone that doesn't love his little girl. When you do have children of your own you will understand how strong that bond is. You should cherish the fact that he is an involved parent. Try not to feel resentment toward such a young child that just needs to be loved. Hopefully this helps.

Wow, you are in a rough spot. I am a step-mom to two boys, and I have two children of my own. My husband and I have been married over 6 years now. Here is advice that I hope you will think about. Number one, if your boyfriend is wanting to live with you, he should respect you enough to make the committment to marry you. I think marriage has been given too little credit these days, and guys are just using women to meet their needs and not think of the women's needs. A relationship should not be 50/50 but 100/100. If you are each thinking about the other's needs 100% of the time, then you both are fulfilled. You sound as if you are really wanting to settle down and have a family. Believe me, you don't want to settle for someone who doesn't respect you enough to marry you. I wish I could encourage you and tell you to hang in there that everything is going to work out, but it probably won't. You need to have a serious heart-to-heart with your boyfriend and tell him you are worth more than just a "roommate". My advice would be to move out and pursue the relationship if he agrees to consider your relationship seriously. I hope this doesn't discourage you, but empowers you to the end in believing you are worth more than you are being treated. God bless!

Hi, what a tough situation. I was about your age when I met my husband, both of us had past relationships and I had a daughter from mine, he did feel left out sometimes and still does even though we have a child together as well as my daughter as I spend a lot of time with the kids. My best advice is to schedule time for yourself at the same time he schedule daddy and daughter time ( I mean really spoil yourself)that way when you spend 'family' time together it won't seem quite so bad, also ask him if you can organize some time for you and his daughter to go out just the 2 of you.

Hope this helps

My parents were in a similar situation and lived happily-ever-after. My father entered their relationship with a son from a previous marriage (Alex) and his son constantly tried to battle my mother. Somehow it all eventually worked itself out and my parents had two children of their own. There were some differences though. My mother was younger (21 when they met, 25 when they marred), and could afford to wait a little linger than you may be willing to. Also, my father was never against the idea of more children or marriage. If your boyfriend is on the fence about children/marriage you may want to ask yourself if you are willing to sacrifice either.

A note of caution...my parents lived happily-ever-after, but Alex did not. Once my parents had me they started to spend less time with Alex. By the time my younger brother was born, they had almost completely phased Alex out of our lives. He was hostile at best, and grew up feeling rejected. I don't even consider him part of our "real" family. For example, our Christmas cards were always signed "With love from Abel, Kathy, M., and Eric". It must have very difficult for him. Before you start to battle over children, remember your boyfriend�s daughter may end up a casualty.

E.,

I've been in a similar situation with a divorced man with three children.
In our relationship, the children always came first. The good news for you is,
you are still quite young and have plenty of time to have a child of your own.
If this guy won't do it, it sounds like he isn't the one. Having a child of your own
is too important to comprimise for a guy, even a great guy. I think the key to you feeling better is to own the fact that you will have a child of your own, then your feelings toward this child are bound to get better. Start imagining what your child will be like, look like, act like. I'm a believer in visualizing it, helps make it real. Good luck!

I really can understand and know how you feel. The best advise I can give you and I know you can appreciate it. With you wanting children of your own are:

You are only hurting this little girl and no one else except you. He is not going to love you more if your fake. Pretending to care and you dont. The little girl did nothing and most likely misses her daddy all the time. You get him all the time she does not. She gets him what? WHat if the roles were reversed and you were this little girl? What if it was your little girl and her daddys girlfriend cant deal. You most likely want him to dump her. What if you only got to see your daddy that often or you only got to see your boyfriend that much. You not being a mother is hard when you crave it. It will happen and now you get to practice and have compassion to an innocent soul who does not want anything from you and only loves her daddy as much as you do if not more than you. It is different for a little girl. Think of all the nights she probably cries cause he is not there. All the times she falls down and he is not around to pick her up. Her life is as it is and she knows nothing different. However you do. Give this little girl your love and you will surely show him how you are differnt and you can really make a difference. Jealous is darkness and will only bring negative energy into your heart and life. It will harm you more than anyone at all and she has done nothing to deserve it. I can not imagine how difficult it must be for you. Have you spoken to him at all? Tell him that you love how loving and giving he is with his daughter and would like him to be the same with you. You do realise that he gives her material stuff to show her he loves her b/c he worries that she does not know it. He is insecure with you he know you really know how much he loves you. He knows you love him too. He is more secure with you then with her.
The only other advise I have is you have to take his word at what he says. If he does not know what he wants then tell him he needs to figure it out so that you can figure out if you are able to live like that. You can not live life waiting for him to change. No guy is ever going to magically realize that "oh she really is the one" I want her forever. It just does not happen that way. He may feel you are the one and does not want to make it legal. So what marry in a church or another way that is taking vows in front of GOD and in GODs eyes you are married the law is just that it is the law. It will not make anyone stay with you. It is his vows that matter. Perhaps he would be willing to do that and then you can just legally change your last name to his and no one will ever know the difference. Right. You will be married, just without the law saying you have to stay. You are there out of choice. That may help him feel allot more comfortable.

E.:
I hope you understand my english.And I ask you if you speak spanish is easy to me .
I tried for 6 years to get pregnant but everything was imposible everybody was asking us if i was already pregnant was a lot of presion of both families more from my husband s family we tried everything and when we decide to adopt a child and we were no more stresed I got pregned
And everythung change My advise is dont desesperate
I ll will be in the right time
I hope you understand my english i want to share more ideas with you but it takes more time in english than in spanish because im learning english and i have to think in spanish and then translate I wiill be in touch with you
bye
Cris

Well...it is really important that you and he only get married when you are both emotionally ready. You shouldn't be jealous over his dughter. I know you want a child of your own an dI can understand why. But bringing a child into a relationship that is not solid is NEVER a good thing.

T.

Hello E.,
I have been married for seven years, and with him for nine years. When we first started dating I was told he had two very young children. I did not care about things like that. Also, I never thought far out that we would be married.
Two years after our relationship, we had our first child together. It was awesome, however it was not very fair to me because it was my first child, and it was nothing new for him. It made me feel really sad, because I felt alone.
Then after, we had two more children.
After we were together for maybe 5 years, we both found out he had an oldest daughter he never new about. So there is 6 kids in our family. My husband is a great father and takes care of all his kids.
One-I know that in the beginning, my husband would do things for his other two because he felt bad for them. To this day he lets his 10 yr old get away with everything. It drives me crazy. I know he babys him because he has always had this weakness, and felt bad for him. This may or may not be why he spoils her. It is great that he does. However, I do see some set backs on that only because once you start that, it will be expected all the time. Yet, the way I see it, as long as the child is happy and a good girl, who cares what he does for her. Giving her attention is very important, because children do not stay children very long. This is important for their developmental stages, makes them who the will be. With love and firm disapline, that is what a healthy child needs.
I know you want children but do not rush it. If he is not ready, that is good you wait. For your sake, you do not want to begin something that does not follow through or you start getting jeolous because you want things for your child and feel like too much goes to the other.
I want to let you know right now... that getting involved in a relationship like this takes a very special person to be patient, understanding, and able to love unconditionally.
This type of relationship with a man with other kids or even a woman with other kids takes a lot of hard work, dedication and blood sweat and tears.
Please think of that before you decide that you want this in your life, if not, then like many have already said... there are other men out there that do not have any children at all.
All people should think about this before they jump on their life too fast because it is not easy to have split families.

Hi E.,

You have to remember that his daughter is his flesh and blood. And for him to share that with you means you are very important to him. But he'll have to realize that if and when he decides to get married - then you, the spouse, if the first one is his life and if he doesn't agree with that maybe it's time to move on to someone who will make you the center of their world.

Good luck,

T.

I know so many single women with no boyfriend, no children, no prospects. Seize the opportunity and treat her as if she were your own. If it doesn't work out with your boyfriend, then it still will have been a good experience, and you'll feel good about yourself. It will make it more likely to work out with him if you are really good to his daughter. Don't be jealous! It gets you nowhere : different people have different life courses. Also, think of her. Put her first. This is probably hard for her too even though she's only 4.
P.S. I just had my only child, at 38 years old.

Thankyou for your honesty, first of all. That's a hard thing to post, but obviously you want to change the way you are with this little girl and I think that is great. I don't have personal experience with this, but I do have a step parent and for all of her annoying habits, she always treated me equal to her biological son when we were young.

Probably the best way to ease your feelings when you see this little girl is to imagine yourself her age and how you would feel if the same feelings you are having were coming from an adult. She is innocent and, of course, that is her dad. You want her to grow up, if you are still together with her father, having a good relationship with you. There is nothing worse, I can imagine, than forcing a parent (her father) to choose between you and his own daughter. It never will work in your favor and that is not love.

I desperately wanted children and had trouble conceiving. Now I am 47 with a 2 year old and a 7 year old. It will happen for you. I just hope you're not punishing her dad or this little girl by using your feelings of hostility towards them.

The separate issue, of course, is whether he wants kids or not. That could be a problem between you guys that has nothing to do with that little girl. My experience was frankly that if my husband didn't want kids, our marriage probably would not have lasted. Luckily he is a great dad and loves having them!

Hope that helps!

I can respond as the little girl rather than in your position, but my father lavished the attention and money on his new wife and HER daughter. I grew up feeling insecure, wondering why I wasn't worthy of all of the attention and new clothes, guitars, feeling that my dad didn't love me, etc. Please just remember that her mind, heart and soul are only 4, and it'd be a tragedy if she didn't receive that attention from her dad. My dad died on my 41st birthday last November, having told me once in my life that he loved me.