I will try to make this brief but I am looking for advice/other people's experience with this.
Back in September I discovered my husband was having an emotional affair with one of his co-workers. He also met up with her one time and she kissed him on the cheek twice (there was no other intimacy and I know this for sure because of what transpired at his work when they discovered this too). Had we not had children, I would have left immediately because even after crossing the line and almost losing his job over it, he continued to talk to her and text her constantly when I told him for me to try to get over this, he could not text her or talk to her (even though they work together they work different shifts so don't see each other all the time). The problem is that I am trying to get over this but he finally agreed to go to counseling and told me and the counselor if that is what I needed, he would stop talking to her via phone or text. That lasted about 3 weeks. Now he is back to talking to her. There are some other issues too but I want to know what people think.
My husband and I completely disagree about the severity of the line he crossed (he has apologized and knows its wrong but thinks I shouldn't still be hurt by it and that "at least I didn't have sex with her." What would you do or what have you done if you have been in this situation?
red flags. red flags. red flags.
the very fact that he feels virtuous 'at LEAST i didn't have sex with her' tells me all i need to know.
i am so sorry.
khairete
S.
I would tell him that if he truly values his marriage and wants it to work, he needs to break off all contact with this other woman. He's already almost lost his job, and you are now in counseling because of it, that should be reason enough.
There is "emotional cheating" and maybe women do it more often than men, but men can do it too, and it's a slippery slope to it becoming more physical.
Your husband has no right to tell you how you should feel and that you should not be hurt - he is the one who crossed the line, not you. If you continue to go through marriage counseling (and if you want to work things out I think you need to continue), than he needs to starting asking himself why he felt the need to go there with a female co-worker in the first place - if there is something he feels is missing in your marriage, or if there is something he is getting from her that he is not getting from you. If he wants to save his marriage, then he needs to make it and you his first priority - and drop this other "relationship" like yesterday's garbage.
Ask him how he would feel if you were acting the same way with another man.
I dont know how your feeling, but I once found my husband was talking to another woman more than i deemed neccesary, and as crude and mean and "privacy invading" as it was, I called the woman and tried to talk it out with her, she starting screaming calling me names, I screamed back and called her names (she was also married from what I understand) My husband got mad and starting throwing a fit (all when my oldest was 17) and I kicked him out and told him to go to his hussie. She wouldnt take him because of what I had said. He lived with a friend for a month and came back. We had some very rough patchs, had to go to counseling, but we are very great now :)
trust and friendship is the foundation of love and marriage, without one it gets thrown all asquewed and messed up, sometimes fixable, othertimes not.
prayer. prayer prayer prayer.
'the power of a praying wife' is a great book.
you might want to keep going to the counseling.
its almost like hes "daring" you to "push it" so that he does sleep with her.
heres what i want you to do: be nice to him. think of it this way: this woman is your competition. you might think that you shouldnt have to fight for your husband, but you do. every day. if you keep his interest, and his cup full, then he wont need to go looking for it elsewhere. you have to be the sweet, loving, attractive person that he sees in this other woman. and no, it doesnt mean shes prettier than you. but do you spend most of the time he sees you in sweats or "relaxing" clothes? wear something nice for him. does she smile at him, actively listen, laugh at his jokes? you might not exactly know what it is she is doing to attract your husband. but think about it for a minute. think about what its like in the movies. its smiles, giggles, touching him on the shoulder.... you know?!?! compete with her! play the game!
if possible, find this woman. let her know politely that the man shes interested is married. she might not even know! you dont have to be a cat about it, dont have to have an attitude.. just tell her, you know, that is my husband, and i dont intend on just handing him over to you. she might not care. she might pursue him further regardless (people have NO morals!) but at least shes aware that you are not "helplessly" just letting your husband go.
then follow that up by putting in the work you need to put in to keep your husband!! have sex with him!! yes, i know you are mad, angry, disappointed, betrayed, frustrated. but have sex with the man!! a man's primary "interest" in a relationship IS sex. call it unfemenistic if you want to, but its the truth, just as it is that women's main interest is the companionship, the romance, etc. SO, give your husband what he needs, and he will give you what you need in return. at least eventually!!
anyway, if you havent seen fireproof you need to watch it, preferrably with your husband. if you havent done the love dare, i DARE you to do it.
this is your husband you are talking about. the love of your life. the man you promised till death do you part! dont just passively sit by and let some other woman be the star in your husband's life! be there for him! dont pressure him, dont force him, but be sweet, loving, kind, all those things that you were when you were dating. rediscover each other! be aware of the issues, and be aware that this is something you can help.
sure, some men are scum, some men cant help themselves, and some men do this on purpose. but you ARENT going down without a fight. !!! and by "fight" i dont mean you have to be mean. :) just be the woman your husband fell in love with. he wont think of any other woman, when you are the woman on his mind, in his head. you know? write me if you need or want more suggestions of things to do to be loving or something. you know? anyway. good luck.
and pray!!
My husband did the same thing and I decided to trust him when he said they were just friends and she looked up to him like a big brother. He said she would talk about bad relationships and other stuff you'd talk to your brother about. Well I bought it but asked that he not talk to her outside of work and he agreed.
2 years later, I found out he was still talking to her - she'd just call him as soon as I left for work (we worked different shifts)
They are now engaged and have a child together.
I hope my story will be a wake-up call. In my opinion, emotional affairs are far worse than physical ones. I could forgive a one night stand, but when you are that emotionally connected to someone, the physical is bound to follow, especially when you can't give that person up. Eventually you realize that you are in love with them.
Try this - ask him, if they are only friends, that the three of you go out to dinner some time. Say that she can bring a date if it's too uncomfortable for her to be the third wheel. If he says no way and makes tons of excuses, that is a HUGE red flag. If he agrees, maybe there isn't anything to it, but make sure you follow through and then watch their body language. My bet is that he will totally refuse, just like my (ex)husband did.
His excuse? He keeps his friendships and relationships separate. Well, no wonder when you're having an affair!
Signed - Patiently waiting for Karma to fall hard on the ex!
I don't have any real advice for you - sorry. But I do wonder what would he do if he found out that you were doing the same thing with another man? My guess is he would be furious. Looking into the future - would he like the man say your daughter is married to to act the same way? Would it have been OK that his father acted this way with his mother? There's an old saying - if you can't tell your wife about what you've been doing, then you probably shouldn't be doing it. In counseling, he has to be interested in finding out what need this woman is fulfilling for him. My guess is you might have some needs that need fulfilling too. Best of luck to you.
First, I'm not a believer in staying together "for the kids". They are not dumb, they'll see right through your acts of pretending that everything is ok.
Second, I personally wouldn't stay with my husband if he cheated (physically or emotionally). I would NEVER be able to trust him.
Get out now before you are more miserable. Make your home a happy one for you & your children.
Good luck!
Wait a second. Are you still in counseling? Is he being honest about this in counseling? You need to call him on it in your counseling session, if you are still in counseling. Maybe he will take it more seriously coming from the counselor. It doesn't matter the line he crossed before--what matters is that he said he wouldnt talk to her anymore and now he is. That is severe enough.
What would I have done? Made him go to counseling, and then called him on it if he repeat-offended. Let him know what your limit is. I personally believe in second chances but you need him to know what your limit is and what the consequences will be if he continues to push that limit.
Best advice I can give you is to check out the site below. You will find tons of info to help you. Also will find tons of support.
http://survivinginfidelity.com/welcome.asp
In my experience if someone is emotionally cheating and you say no and they agree but no follow through. Big trouble!
Mine had a "friendship". He was emotionally cheating, I told him no more convo's with her. He agreed. That lasted then he was talking to her again. I said NO again.... a month pry went on and it started again. Again I said no. Well it didn't stop. They just got smarter and did it via secret email accounts and having lunch together and such.
Before I knew it they were actually cheating. So in my experience if they don't want to stay away as your husband doesn't seem to really want to. He's choosing her over you. Big trouble in little China town. Guess the I can't quit you joke really is true.
I NEVER EVER in a million years thought my husband would do this. Didn't think he was at the time. The betrayl was actually the worst. :(
Aw man ya know...my husband does the same thing w/women he's met over the years. He seems to want SO badly to be w/someone other than me but I'm stuck right now b/c I have no job (lost it just last week) & no place to go back to if we separated, I certainly could not pay any rent or bills. I've found that for us, it does absolutely no good to get onto him about it b/c he just keeps doing it & tells these women "I NAG him". You should see all the hateful nasty things he says about me to these women. If I confront him about it, even with evidence, he just shrugs his shoulders & gives me a mumbled 'I dunno' so while I can't really advise you on what you should do, just know you are not alone! You definitly have the right to ask him not to talk to other women in a overly friendly manner, as if he wants to 'hook up' w/them or just get their attention. Perhaps he needs an ego stroked? I'm not sure what makes men do these things, especially when they pledge their love to us in marriage. The only thing I can say is just b/c y'all had children together is no reason to stay in an unhealthy marriage. I think marriage consuling is a great place to start but just keep in mind, it is your husband who has to choose to change his ways. No amount of letting him know how you dislike his behavior will cause him to change, he has to want it and if he still hasn't changed then unfortunately you will either have to live w/it or choose to separate/divorce & go on w/your lives separately. Sometimes you just have to do things that are what's best for everyone, including the children. Remember, kids pick up on things. Good luck!!
Mmmm, always tough when children are involved. However, I think it is so unacceptable that your husband still has contact with this woman. Is she married? That is just rude and insensitive to you. You must feel frustrated because that is how I feel for you. I am a no nonsense person and feel I deserve in return what I do...which is nothing that would ever cross the line. I would have a hard time believing that nothing else happened. But that is just me. This would not be ok with me as it shows a lack of respect. You are not at fault at all in this and I think that is the hardest thing...when your life is impacted due to someone else's behavior. If it continues I am not sure what I would do...tough call. Good luck though!
My husband did the same thing last year. We were going through a rough patch and he decided to strike up a friendship with a woman who had no interest in his family life, but plenty of interest in him. At the time we had already been in couselling. I was so hurt and angry and demanded that he stop speaking to her (as it was OBVIOUS that this was not merely some friendship or he wouldn't have been lying about it). He agreed, but it is nearly impossible for me to trust him now. Honestly, although it is a huge invasion of privacy and I'm not proud of it, I still check his phone occasionally to see if she's on it.
So hard to come back from something like this. I'm not sure if I have any good advice except to be absolute about how you feel about it and clear as crystal about what you expect in your marriage. I'm sorry that you are having this experience. I feel that if he is truly invested in your marriage he will take into consideration what is important and be honest. TELL YOUR COUNSELLOR. I felt ashamed that he was acting this way, like I had done something wrong, but respect is respect and you deserve it. Especially if there are little ones involved.
