How Can I Get My 3Yr Old Son to Listen to His Father and I?

Stop letting him manipulate you. If you say that he's going to get a 5 minute time out, set a timer and give him a 5 minute time out.

If you are somewhere fun and you say that he needs to stop X behavior or you will take him home, if he does X, immediately take him home.

He's 3. Don't do long explanations. A simple "I told you to stop X. You didn't listen, so now you are in time out/have to go home/can't play with that toy anymore/etc." is enough explanation.

A cardinal rule my friends told me early on was to never tell a child a consequence that you don't plan to keep. Sometimes the consequence is worse for the parent than the child, but it doesn't matter - if you make the rule, you enforce it.

(A key example for me was when a child misbehaved in a public place - something every toddler tries. I would tell them - stop or we leave NOW. Was it a major PITA for me to leave a half full grocery cart, knowing I'd have to come back another time and start again, or have a server pack up a dinner that I didn't have a chance to eat a single bite of while I waited in the car with a screaming kid? Yes. But the short term frustration is better than the long-term impact of a child that knows you won't enforce inconvenient rules.)

Good luck.

My opinion is that the word "listen" can be confusing. Maybe I'm being too picky, but often we use the word "listen" when we are literally talking about hearing. "Listen to the birds". "Do you want to listen to some music?"

Then we tell our children to listen when we mean "obey". Or we tell them they're not listening, when we mean they're not responding or obeying.

Try getting down on eye level with your son, and speak quietly and in short sentences. "Son, you will not beg for cookies in the grocery store. If you do, we will leave the store. You will be in time out at home." Then remind him that he must obey. Use the word "obey".

Then follow through with your entire consequence and make sure that the punishment is logical. You planned to take him to the toy store for one specific toy but now he's throwing a tantrum because you won't buy him the huge swingset that's on display. So you leave the store without the toy, and without anything.

Also, consider explaining behavior in more than "bad" and "good" terms. Explain that when he does something that is against the rules, it makes everybody unhappy, it makes a mess that you have to clean up, or it means the trip to the playground is cancelled. Not obeying the coach means he can't play sports with friends. Use words like "helpful" and "polite" or other words besides "good boy".

No more "benefits of a doubt". Clearly explained expectations, clearly defined punishment, calmly followed through.

Three is a challenging age. The thing is, this behavior should have been stopped when it started but you and your husband laughed.

Be consistent. If he wants to apologize, tell him he will have to wait until after his punishment. He thinks he can say "I'm sorry" and not face the consequences of his actions.

You give him the "benefit of doubt" and don't follow through with the consequences. When he starts this I would say "when you are finished with your punishment, you may apologize but not until you are finished". Then DO NOT ENGAGE with him. He will sit and yell but just ignore him until the time allotment for his time out is over. The problem is you are engaging him during the punishment phase and you need to stop.

Consistency is what helped us when our kids were little stinkers.

I agree about the meaning of the word "listen" as detailed by Elena. It's not that he doesn't listen - it's that he doesn't follow the rules.

And yes, you and your husband enabled this by laughing - your son learned that doing his own thing is entertaining and cute. He had zero consequences for this, so now he is totally confused.

Also, I think kids who are taught to apologize and say they are sorry come to believe that "I'm sorry" means "What I did doesn't count." Your son thinks it means "Undo" and it doesn't. Do you know the story of comparing gossip (or mean talk or bad deeds) to the feathers in a feather pillow? Google it - there are many versions. The point is, you can't just collect feathers and stuff them back in the pillow - they are out there, dispersed, and gone. So if you hurt someone, the hurt stays and you can't take it back by apologizing alone.

I think you have to do a lot less talking/scolding/explaining/attention-giving and do a lot more of other things. A lot of us changed behavior by isolating the child from the situations or family (standard timeouts) and those worked for many of us. Up until recently, I've said that's how I would do it. But there have been a lot of articles lately that suggest other ways for a child to be taught to calm down without being banished. Google "why timeouts don't work and you'll get all kinds of new info. Here's one: http://www.parenting.com/toddler/behavior/discipline-tips...

What absolutely must happen is that you and your husband must get on the same page, be consistent with an approach you can agree on, and be patient enough to implement it without expecting it to work on the first try. Changing things around is totally confusing to a child - as evidenced by the fact that you have now changed your routine from laughing to scolding, resulting in a crying child.

I think you should (and the other parents should as well) rethink any type of organized sport for a 3 year old!

well, he's 3......lol. A big part of me says just keep doing what you're doing. Hard line in the sand time. Do NOT let him out of timeout early to say he's sorry! He can do that after the timeout.

Such a tough age made tougher because you he's doing the same behavior that you were just laughing about.

Mynewnickname gave excellent advice. The only thing I'd add to it is to set behavior expectations before you go somewhere. 'We're going to the library. When we get there you have hold mommy's hand as we go through the parking lot and then walk next to me quietly when we are in the building.' If he starts to act up gently remind him about the expectations and if he continues then you leave asap.

There's no negotiation once you decide to leave. There's no second chance or I'm sorry that will allow you to stay. You sent the rules and the punishment if they are not followed and then follow through every single time.

There's no quick fix to this and yes you'll leave a lot of places early for a while but he'll figure it out. On the flip side if he's acting well let him know how wonderfully he's doing and how proud you are of him.

I never scolded my kids - at least not at that age. It was just "We're leaving" so they knew the consequence of not behaving.

I didn't do time outs. I basically ignored them if they were carrying on and went about my business. When they act out - they want your attention. I just made sure I gave attention when they were well behaved.

So if one of mine was misbehaving, I'd say "I'll listen to you when you calm down".

Until then - nope.

When they realize there's no payoff for bad behavior - they tend to drop it.

There was a few situations where my kids got overwhelmed and weren't behaved the best. Going to store or a mall - one would have a meltdown. I avoided situations like that until we'd passed that stage. Otherwise, yes - we would just leave and go if needs be. Or dad would take him to the car to calm down and mom stayed with the others.

no getting out of time out. once time outs over then he can apologise. if he repeats the negative behavior he returns to time out. he will eventually lean that your no longer letting him get away with this stuff. be firm, loving and consistent. no more benefit of the doubt.

Please read "1,2,3, Magic" and follow it step by step. I think it will really help you to understand what behaviors you and your husband will need to use to restore your natural authority. It is so important for your child's growth and safety. After that, please enroll in parenting courses for more in-depth tools to raising a child. Honestly, it's not easy, but those with experience have a lot of advice to share that will make it easier. All my best.

Here goes.

He has you trained to give in to him when he cries.

He has you trained to not teach him to listen.

He needs you to take some parenting classes and to learn how to manage him.

I know you love him but you are hurting him by not learning how to manage this. He is the parent and you are giving in so he's learning how to manipulate people and that isn't something that will get him far in the world.

Please consider putting him in a 3 year old head start or preschool program so that he can start learning this fall how to sit down, be quiet, and do as he's told. Sounds harsh but that's what school is about. Sitting down, listening to the teacher, and processing what they're saying then being able to utilize that information.

"How to get my son to listen to his father and" me? Spanking is not against the law. Reasoning with a 3 year old is not going to happen.

Stop giving him the benefit of a doubt. He has learned that if he cries, you relent.