3 Year Old DD Is Driving Me Nuts!

Be consistent and follow through. You give her ONE warning. Don't give in to her tantrums. Don't give her the food back. I tell my kids, "you eat when we eat, if you push it away, that's all the food you get until next mealtime". I mean it and they know it!

If you want some expert advice, you can find tons of it right here that is very detailed and organized:
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T060100.asp

also, scroll down to 'bothersome behavior' and there are lots of helpful ideas for specific things too

It's the age – she so wants to exercise the automony she's developing. (Also the hour, on the bedtime challenges. She's tired and a little giddy, and whatever self-control she's developed is largely used up for the day.)

What helped most with my grandson in his toddler years:

… 1. Making the tasks we needed from him into a game. When he'd doing the potty dance and didn't want to pause to pee, for example, I would go to the bathroom door and start vigorously pushing away all the dinosaurs so he could get in and use the toilet. Bedtime became a race to see who could be in bed and ready for a story (but he had a big bed by the age of 3, so I could lie down and read to him).

… 2. Participating in tasks alongside him, with a cheerful attitude. This is really important, even now that he's 5. It keeps him from experiencing a chore as joyless and lonely and too big to accomplish by himself. (And you know yourself that when you have negative feelings about a job, it becomes SO much bigger.)

… 3. Giving advance notice that you'll need to have X done pretty soon. Then notice again that X will need to happen in one more minute. Then time for X arrives, at which point, I move into steps 1 and/or 2.

… 4. When something really must happen now, and other techniques have run their limit, be as inevitable as the tides. The ocean doesn't get hung up on judgement, resistance, drama or anger. It just rises, calmly and implacably. If my grandson won't get his jacket on, or come to the table, or pick up the toy cars after my final request (3 above), I get the jacket, or guide him to the table, or bring him back to the toys that need picking up. All gently, with a smile. My attitude can make the difference between a long, drawn out episode or the satisfaction of having done what's necessary.

… 5. Empathy helps. Letting the child know you REALLY understand how much they want (or don't want) something, even fantasizing with them getting ALL they want, is like a spoonful of honey, soothing and sweet. It can capture a child's notice and attention even mid-tantrum, in many cases. Giving you the opportunity to lead into the thing you need them to do (or not do) as if that's the only alternative that actually exists.

Talking the issues over with your daughter while they are NOT at issue, and getting her to help decide how the problem will be solved, is also very powerful. She can help determine the "contract," and you can even write it down on paper and hang it somewhere conspicuous. Then remind her, when she's getting giddy at bedtime, for example, that she agreed to certain solutions and/or consequences, and institute them immediately. Kids can be marvelously creative problem solvers, and when they are invested in the solution, they generally will help make it work.

The fabulous book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish gives tips and techniques for this and other problem-solving ideas. The ideas have been tested for years, and are mutually respectful. They work brillliantly.

No matter what you do, your daughter is hardly more than a baby, and calm repetition will be necessary. Kids need to see ideal behavior modeled, hear it described, and be corrected at least a bazillion times during the toddler years. It gets better gradually, with ups and downs along the way.

This is a stage, and not every week will be as exhausting as the one you just had. Hold on – you'll both make it.

It sounds like your expectations are VERY realistic. Children at this age do go through exactly what your daughter is doing, its normal defiance and testing of boundaries, BUT don't fall into the trap of, since all kids do this I just need to ride it out and it will magically end. It WON'T. This is the time to teach your daughter about respecting adults and controlling her emotions. This is something that is a HUGE investment of time and emotion from YOUR end as well, but SO WORTH IT!

I'd suggest some tweaking to what you do already. Only 1 warning. I'd suggest that when she's freaking out, being silly, screaming, throwing, demanding, whatever bad behavior you need to give her a warning about, sit her down, hold onto her upper arms firmly, but not too tight, enough to get her attention. Look her in the eye and tell her "DD this is NOT acceptable behavior, you may not _________. You must stop this behavior immediately. This is a WARNING. If you do it again you will have __________ as a consequence. Do you understand?" At this point she needs to say yes, nodding is not a good enough response. Once she does that release her. Watch her behavior and be ready to implement the consequence. Don't get mad, just say "OK, we need to do ____________ because you didn't listen to your warning. I'm sorry you chose to disobey" and then do the consequence. Don't argue or rationalize with her about why she needs to obey you, or why she shouldn't do what she's in trouble for. If she says, I'm listening now, or something similar, then you can say. "Good, I know you can obey the next time for Mommy." but let her have the consequence anyway. Once you give in she'll always wonder if you'll do it again, and a strong willed child will drive you nuts trying to get you to do it. They enjoy the challenge of winning. You have to win EVERY TIME. It could take 2-3 months of her pushing you to finally give in, so don't feel discouraged if this doesn't work like magic, if it was easy all parents would do it, right?! :)

I'd suggest keeping things simple as well, in your discipline. Often kids get overwhelmed with all the rules. I'd pick one thing to work on at a time. For that offense make it a BIG punishment, spanking, time out, lost toy, whatever you're comfortable with. All other offenses should be addressed, but keep the punishment much smaller. Practice obeying for the one thing you're working on. Once you've got that tackled, then pick something else. Time out is great, but I don't buy into the Super Nanny's time limit by age thing. Its a good rule of thumb, but the attitude needs to be changed before they get up. My daughter would sit for time out no matter how naughty she was acting. She would even apologize when prompted, but get up and do the same naughty thing again, over and over all day long. I had to up my game with time out, had to make it really something she HATED, before we made any progress. Also I wait until she calls sweetly that she's ready to apologize, then we hug and move forward in our day. I'd be happy to give you specifics of what worked for us if you're interested. My daughter is a few months shy of 4, and we had some hell during the summer and early fall. Once we got a good timeout that she HATED, then she finally realized that I was the boss and things have flowed much much smoother in the last two months!

Best wishes, I've definitely been there, and its exhausting, frustrating and mind boggling, and can just make you feel like a failure of a parent. You're not, there is light at the end of the tunnel!

I understand where you are because I have a strong-willed 2 year old who will do a lot of the same things. The only thing that works is to be firm and matter of fact. For example, at bedtime, sit down and tell her, come sit in my lap and I'll read you your stories. If you get up, storytime is over and it's bedtime. If/When she struggles to get down, say, "Oh, is storytime over?" If she still struggles to get down, say, "Okay, goodnight sweetie", give her a kiss and put her in her crib and leave the room. No more discussion! She had her chance, she knew the rules. Any further discussion makes her think she can negotiate, and that makes your life much more difficult.

And don't take it on you! You're not the "Mean Mommy" when you are enforcing the rules. You're the Mommy, and you are teaching, which doesn't make you mean at all. Stop thinking that you are being mean when you are putting her to bed early or without stories. She broke a rule, she must pay the consequences. It was a choice she made, not you. It's hard, of course you hate to hear her cry or be upset, but this is what motherhood is. It's enforcing the rules so that our kids grow up learning to respect the rules and their parents, learning to be polite and thoughtful. No more "Mean Mommy" talk! You're doing the right thing!!

Good luck and if you need to vent, feel free to send me an email. I've got some whopper stories too. :)

Stop the warnings. At 3 yrs old she is well aware of the expected behavior. she runs around during cuddling time, then right to bed, no warning. She gets one chance to eat what she asked for. when we get firm with our 3 yr old, she gets it almost immediately. Don't use the mean mommy term. you are not being mean. You are being a responsible parent by setting boundaries and standards.

Well. bad news , good news. You have a Strong Willed Child (good book, Dr. Dobson). She acts out around you because she trusts you and is trying her limits. The most important thing in disiplinary life is consistancy. Do not make idle threats, if you say no more story, go through with it every time. it will be worse before it gets better, but when she is sure of the extent of her limits, she will test them less often (she will still test them but less often)

Stay strong! You are doing everything you can while your daughter is testing her limits. Your examples sounded exactly like my life a year or so ago. My daughter, now 4.5, still has her moments but because I have stuck to my guns and never gone back on my word she is learning about behavior and expectations. She has always been stubborn, persistant, hard headed, dramatic, a negotiator... Maybe offer rewards (sticker, hand stamps, prize box) and use them for when she demonstrates appropriate behaviors.

Hang in there DVMMOM!!! Welcome to 3, and soon to follow 4, which is sometimes just as bad or worse. My daughter did not go through the terrible 2's or 3's but we got it full force at 4 1/2 and it lasted until about 5 1/2.

You have to just try to be gently consistent, understanding where she is in her development and not lose your mind. She is at the beginning of finding her place in the world and testing the boundaries. She wants to see how many chances she gets and how loudly she has to yell. Make sure that you are giving her warnings about what will happen and keep your language simple. "Jane it's story time. If you can't sit for the story you will go to bed."

Keep in mind also that your response to what she's doing may not be set in stone. The beginning of illness, extreme fatigue, etc. play a huge part in how kids act an how we should adjust. I believe that too much choice and too many words can be too much for kids sometimes. Sometimes it's good for us just to say in a nonthreatening, calm way... " I can see you're really tired tonight sweetie... we're going to skip stories and cuddle before bed." No fighting, no compromising or negotiating. You know her the best and it's ok to not follow the routine to the letter every night.

There are some things that just don't warrant much of a second chance and I think I was too "understanding" with my daughter, and it backfired later. It's a critical time to let kids know that certain things, " hitting, screaming at adults, throwing toys to hurt Mom or Dad, are not ok and these things have pretty swift consequences. It sets up the expectation for later and is the beginning of teaching boundaries and respect.

Good luck~ it's such a fun, but difficult age. Tell your hubby to get on board and be consistent with you.:)

I'm feeling you! One thing you may not have thought of is moving her out of the crib. I know it sounds counterintuitive but with my DD it helped. There are still some issues here and there but not nearly as bad before when I still had her in the crib --she was a few months over 2 when we made the switch. A 3 year old like your daughter are keenly aware of their confinement when in a crib. You could set up the incentive of getting a big girl bed for good bedtime behavior ( 5 days without bedtime fits and keep track on a chart?)

I agree with you about holding firm when you have established a consequence you've gotta follow through or she will manipulate you. The first few times you hold firm she's going to go nuts but thats because she has come to expect that you will give in and will be mad when it doesn't work like it did before. Gotta go--mine is yelling from her room--lol!

Wait - are you talking about my daughter? She will be 3 in January and does the same thing with her Daddy. Not so much with me thankfully since I am the one home with her all the time. I usually give her two warnings and then take away something (toy balloon, bed time story etc.) I also make sure I tell her she has to listen - she KNOWS that not listening is bad so before I tell her how she should be behaiving I will often stop her make eye contact and say you have to listen to Mommy. Another trick I use is to count down from 5. She knows that if I start counting then she is going to get a time out or toy taken away if I reach 1 before she starts behaving appropriately. Sometimes she stops me and says "Mommy don't count I will do 'X', please."

I also completely understand about giving in when she is crying that she is listening now. Not sure how you could work it into her bedtime routine, but when my daughter cries that she is listening I don't give in per se, what I do is say that since she is listening I will give her another chance and for example, she has to be a good girl for the rest of the shopping trip, or play quietly for X until Mommy says ok etc. She has to earn back the item or privledge she lost by good behavior.

Hope this helps!

corner corner corner and quit caving. once put to bed since she is trying to controle the situation no more night time stories and cuddling till the behavior changes. mine used to do the hungry and thirsty thing to get out of bed too just tell her no its bed time if she cries she cries. the wrestling is fighting sleep my son tries that too. he is told firmly to "LAY DOWN." OH and then comes the tears and the "good boy mama" to try to control the situation.

not to be mean or rude you are letting her control you instead of you controling her. quit letting her control you. mine trys the mama good boy to get out of bed what she is doing is normal. trying to find her independence. and then the guilt trip attempts start. does she do the mommy I got to go to the bathroom yet??? if not she will. :) let her throw her fits in the corner and as soon as she gets out of the corner its nap time. that is how we do it in my house. he always goes to sleep after being bad and being put in the corner. its clockwork he gets out of the corner and lays down and 2 minutes later his clock is done. :)

Wow, your whole Nice Mommy or Mean Mommy dialogue was awesome! She is testing you, for sure. Hang in there! When I feel like the testing is going to make me react in a bad way, I try to lighten my burdens (chores, shopping, cooking, even excursions with my toddler) just so that I am a bit better rested for the other challenges.

One thing I do ( and my son is only 18mos) is I give only one warning if the bad behavior is repeat behavior that has gone on for days. I just know my son knows the rules about certain things. It kind of makes everything less drawn out too. Also, I sometimes give him an idea of the behavior I expect from him in the time leading up to an event.

our DD is still in a crib as well and I put her into the crib first and then read her stories. She usually will stand at the rail to listen vs lay down but that's OK. May help to try a calm activity before bed too (puzzle, coloring, tv)

Fair, firm consistent redirection. Works every time. Don't give in.Lots of love.

it's okay they wear on all of us at times. you are doing right by not giving her a chance to "listen now!!" if she is running around not listening, then story time is over. give her her warning BEFORE storytime starts. "remember, if you get up and aren't listening, that means storytime is over, right?" the more firm you are on that point, the sooner she'll get it. you really do just need to cut out the S. chances all together. give her a warning, but once you get up, and make the choice that storytime is over, it's over, that's it. no more chances. use time outs as your only source of discipline, do it consistently and do it as often as she is misbehaving. i don't consider running around during storytime "misbehaving" per se, but more like just choosing not to participate. if she's not participating, then there's no reason for you to sit and read to yourself. so storytime is over. a natural consequence of her choice. hang in there - you're doing fine, you're just tired. you just have to outlast her!

Thank you for sending me this link. It's unbelievable...as though you are speaking about my son!