How Can I Feel More Content?

You're certainly not the first person to feel this way--frankly, it's a lot to ask for someone to be contented hanging out with a baby all day without any adult contact. For me having a part time job has saved my sanity. I love my job (which helps!). My partner and I juggle our schedules so that my son is in child care 10 hours a week, which he loves. Maybe if you worked part-time your husband could be around more. Honestly, my son was sick this week and I was home all day for two days with him and I was very bored--we did laundry, cooked, went on walks, colored, painted, did blocks--and that was all by about 11am! I think some people just aren't cut out for the SAHM thing and I am one of those people, maybe you are too. By the way, I'm pretty sure the sun rises and sets around my son; he's the smartest, cutest, funniest, most amazing toddler in the world...but I still need something else in my life.

Your feelings are understandable and normal. It can become very harmful to your mental health to deny or avoid them, so I think you're doing the best thing you can for you and your family to acknowledge them and figure out what to do about them.

Most young Moms I know do have some other pursuit besides mothering that actually refreshes them. So think: What subject do I like to read about? What issues do I care about? If I DIDN'T have a baby and could do anything I wanted to, what would I choose to do? Is there anything about your former career that you miss?

Ask your friends and family what THEY think your interests and gifts are.

Then, look for opportunities to exercise these gifts and hang out with other people with similar interests.

ps if your husband if out of town 3-4 days a week working, it seems to me that on the weekends he should be making up for lost time by engaging with his son rather than taking off to pursue his hobbies. YOU should be the one taking off to pursue YOUR hobbies, since you've already spent the entire week with your son.

My husband also traveled when my son was born, and we had a rule: anytime my husband was at work, I was "on duty" taking care of our son. But whenever my husband was home, HE was "on duty." I needed the break! This made the bond between my husband and son strong. My husband chose to pursue hobbies that he could do WITH my son and let the other ones go until my son was old enough.

I know how you feel! I think many of us have been there! As wonderful as it is to be a mom, and to be able to stay home, you still need time for YOU! This can be an occasional girl's night out, or even just an afternoon to yourself!

I have found something that allows me to be home with my girls during the day, but get out a few nights a month and do something I love with other adults...and I even get to collect a paycheck for it! I started a home-based business in the wine industry and I have the best of both worlds as a Work-At-Home Mom!! I do in-home wine tastings and I collect a paycheck fro drinking wine and teaching others about wine. I am not a wine expert, as the winery sends me notes to use at the tasting, but I have learned sooo much about wine since starting this business! If this sounds like something you are interested in, I'd love to chat with you more. You can also check out my website at www.FineWinesAtHome.com.

If you are not a wine lover, there area ton of home-based businesses out there. Find one you are passionate about and look into it. They are a great way to be able to stay home AND work. Earning a little extra money is also nice! Plus, its a way to get out a few nights a month and be YOU, not MOM!

Please let me know if you'd like to chat a little more! I've been where you are and I am so thankful I started a home-based business. I know a lot of people in other businesses too, and would love to answer any questions you have about getting started with one.

Cheers!
S. =)

I am soooo right there with you!!!
I did go back to school and found some very part time work...and that does help! It's funny...some people don't get it. "You are lucky enough to stay at home and you WANT to work?" Well, for me (and you) It's not so much about the money as it is the SANITY and need for a SELF IDENTITY other than MOMMY.
If you have a church home, there are some great ways to get involved (volunteer/service) that may even provide childcare.
Try going to a gym too...Cascade Athletic Club(east gresham) is mine and the childcare there is FABULOUS!!! Exercise will make you feel better all around.
There are Moms groups out there too....
I hope this helps :)

Totally know what you're talking about - in fact, I just took Stephanie's advice too heart. I work 32 hours a week because I love to work. But I have also taken a demotion and passed up two promotions and it is HARD for my ego. So, sometimes being halfsies isn't all that great either. I just don't think there really is an answer that is perfect. This offers no advice but to say, "YOU ARE NOT ALONE!"

My husband is a truck driver out of town 4 days a week also. If you attend a church, that's a great way to get involved. I work paid childcare at my church where i can bring my kids with me. It gets us out of the house a few days a week, I am still taking care of my kids, and i make a little spending money. Also we enjoy the library groups, and swimming lessons (which you can usually start at 8 months). Now that the weather is nice there are also mommy walking or running groups you could join also. Just don't keep yourseld isolated. It's takes a village to raise a family for a reason we need eachothers support.

Good Luck!

Sister, I hear yah. When I had my first daughter, I was shocked at how much my life changed ... I knew it was going to be a big change, but sheesh. I had no idea! I left a job I adored to be at home, and yes: There have been a thousand times that I missed seeing adults daily, doing work that was a mental challenge and that would gain the kudos of others (if only our little ones would cheer, "Way to go, Mom!" every time we changed a poopy diaper, huh?). Be encouraged that you are not alone.

That all said: This is a tremendous thing you are doing for your son. Find this cool Scripture: Phil 4:10-13 (it's about contentment whatever our circumstances). If you can plug in to a mom's group, or find something that you can give your time toward, awesome! If child care is an issue, many groups are so happy to have the help that they would even welcome you bringing your son. Church groups are great, but others include art-related groups.

My only suggestions would be to start an at home business or start volunteering at least once a week. I am a stay at home mom and I understand what you mean. I like to really feel like I have accomplished something at the end of the day. I now have my own in home child care and preschool. It does keep me busy and make me feel accomplished but I wouldn't recommend getting into it right now. I am having a hard time filling because there are a lot of in home child cares right now. Most of the other at home businesses usually require some selling. The other thing that I am trying to get into right now is photography. This way I can be with my children most of the time but also get some adult time away from the house. I hope that you figure out what is best for you and your son.

J. are you feeling like this because you feel like you should be bringing in some type of money or that your kind of bored? If it's the money side then I would say to start a home based business or find a position that you can telecommute for. I am a SAHM and have been for 6 years (my son is six). I did childcare for my friends during this time, it helped out in the financial side and I kept busy. I loved being with the kids so it worked for me. I also did pet care at my home. I love dogs and since ours past away a few years ago we were really missing having one around but were not really ready to commit to a new pet because we new we would be moving in a few years. I earned some extra income and got to hang out with a lot of differnt dogs, and my son loved having the dogs come and stay with us. I will be going back to work full time in the fall when my son starts all day school.
If it's because you are kind of bored and don't really want to work (or should I say work more then you are, because we all know raising kids is WORK! ;) work that we love of course!). Find some Mom's groups in your area, make sure you are getting out of the house! I found when I got out of the house, even if it was running errends or taking my son to play at the mall's kids area I was less restless.

Hope some of this helps a little :)

HI J.-
I know exactly how you feel. After a 18 year career, I became a stay at home mom. What a change! Your whole being is changed and you aren't the same person as before.My husband also works long hours and a few weekends a month, and I have learned what it must be like to be a single parent. I completely struggled with my new position. I took me almost 1 1/2 years to accept my new life. Before you are rewarded by thank you's and you are surrounded by peers who provide you with lots of support. Now it is kind of lonely and very different. I felt the same way - I loved being a mom, but there had to be more.
I think after about 3 months of completely being in the dumps about myself, I just realized that even though I am doing a thankless job now, I am making a huge difference in the life of my child. And everything I am doing does contribute to the household and our family. It might not be monetary, but it has value. There is value that your child isn't in day care. There is value in what you are doing to be cost saving. There is value in the housework you do. But the most important thing is that there is value in your child investment.
Talk to your husband too. Let him know how you feel. Be open about it.
As your son gets older, it gets easier to get more involved, but start now. You need to make an effort to get out and find others who are just like you. Find a playgroup or join MOPS. Take your child to the library for story. It is a great place to meet other parents in the same position as you. Believe me, two of the closest mom friends I have now, I met at the library story time!
Also, rediscover an old hobby or something you enjoy doing but haven't taken the time lately. Give yourself one night a month to go out with your old or new friends so you can feel a little like that old self. I started going to a book club and I love it. It is my 2 to 3 hours of just being me.
Maybe you can turn a hobby into something that can make a little side money. Are you good at photography? Offer to take pictures of your friends kids for a small fee. Do you scrapbook? If you are really good, people will pay you to do their pages for them!
You could always do an at home business, but that takes time and effort and you need to have child care (either daddy or another person) especially if you do shows or parties. It isn't my cup of tea.
Or volunteer....maybe there is a local family center that needs help setting up things or an organization that needs help.
I honestly can say that time is what it takes for you to come to grips with your new life. I still have times where I feel that way, but then I look at my daughter and remember it is all good and it is just for now. I will always have time to work and make money and be out there. My daughter will only be small for a very short while.
But if all is said and done and you still feel like you need to do something more, There is nothing wrong with going back to work either. Even if it was just part time. You have to be who you are and if work helps you feel that way, then do it. Being a SAHM is a hard job.
You are a mom, but you are you too! Just be yourself and it will all fall in place.

Being a SAHM and wife has been one of the most rewarding things I have ever done. I don't work outside the home, so I don't really do anything to contribute to the family finances. At least, not by earning money. However, I feel it is my duty and privilege to help my husband save money. So I make all our meals from scratch. At least, 99% of them. Once in a while we'll eat out or I'll buy something ready made, but not very often. I bake our own bread (I have a bread machine, thank goodness!); make soy milk (with a machine for me, with a blender for my hubby, because he doesn't like the taste of the machine's milk); make tofu; make our own laundry detergent; make our own veggie patties (yes, we're vegetarians) that my husband says are better than anything available in the market. I send him with hot lunches 3-4 days a week (and sandwiches on the other days); I use cloth diapers on our baby; I plan a menu and buy in bulk to save money...

If you are a Christian, I would recommend the book "Created to be His Help Meet" from nogreaterjoy.com. You will find it very helpful. :)

Hi J.,

First of all, know that you're not alone. The same thing happened to me with my first child. It's a HUGE life change to have a child AND become a SAHM after being in the outside workforce for awhile, and it takes a long time to adjust. Honestly, I've been a SAHM now for almost 5 years, and I still miss working, but I wouldn't change being able to be as much apart of this part of my kids lives for anything. (Unless I needed to go back to work for financial reasons, of course.) It doesn't make it any easier though.

A few suggestions I have for you are to start with a moms group. In meeting other moms that are going through the same thing as you, it really helps you feel better. Also, sometimes opportunities come up through mom groups that are good for moms that you can take advantage of. A good place to check out local groups is www.meetup.com. I think yahoo also has a similar group search, but meetup has been a great resource for me. Another idea that I recently found out about and was going to look into myself, is if there's a Gold's Gym (other gym's might do the same thing) in your area, you can see if they need any P/T help in their childcare area, where you can not only work, but bring your child with you (and get a free or discounted membership to boot!) I recently found out that I was pregnant with my third <GULP!>, and have been suffering some crazy first tri ailments, so I might be holding off on that for awhile, but I think it's a great idea for moms like us who need that outside interaction and accomplishments to feel fulfilled.

Hopefully you find something that makes you feel better! :o)

You could always volunteer. If you could work it out with your husband and/or family/friends perhaps you could get some you time to get out and work, volunteer, do something else fulfilling?

I felt exactly like you and it has taken me eight years to finally realize this...what you are doing right now is the most important thing you will ever do - taking care of a small child and raising him. It is exhausting, repetitive, and sometimes quite boring for you, but for him it is all happiness and joy and love to have you around! Please if I could convince you to just love up that baby boy, and worry about everything else later...you will never regret it. Both my kids will be in elementary school full time next year and I can see all sorts of time freeing up for me to go back to school, clean my house to the way I want, learn how to be a great cook- and really consider what I want to do with my life. I don't plan to go back to work until my kids are way older (or maybe even out of the house) - I know it is particularly difficult for you because your husband is gone much of the time - my husband traveled a ton too and we don't live near family. I joined a Mom's group and found some friends there that I still have to this day, but the time I spent with my kids, just me and them, seem like sweet and happy memories now (though I think during the time I often felt like running out the door screaming down the street) - Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that I think women put to much pressure on themselves and give themselves guilt about not doing enough, not taking enough "me time" and not being fulfilled totally, and we really have to just take a step back and enjoy. It's not easy, but you will never regret any time just enjoying the moment with your little guy and putting off the future for another day!

Is there a Mom's group in your area? A church or other group where you can volunteer with a baby along to "help" or a walking group/exercise group? (I really should have done more exercise when my kids were little and could have just plunked them in the stroller!!)

anyway, good luck and give that cutie guy a big smooch for me!
Stephanie

I know how you feel. I felt exaclty the same way when I had my daughter. I always had a job until I got pregnant with my daughter & had to quit my job because I was always throwing up. She is now 7 & I m 34. We have not suffered for the loss of my income. I tried to go back to work twice & both times I was flexible to a fault with the employers & got burned & quit. I would give more hours than I put on my application & be too tired to watch my daughter, which is dangerous once they can walk. Not all of us are made to be SAHM's. Do remember that he won't be small for long, much change will be coming your way very quickly.

Try to find part time work you like or volunteer. I volenteer at my daughter's school & if I didn't they wouldn't get to do half the things they do now. Sometimes you get a job you like through volunteering.

Your husband should find hobbies that he can take your son along with him or that are oriented toward your son.
You need some adult interaction besides him once a week too. Once he is home he should be on duty, not you.
Hope this helps.

I had those same feelings with my first child (we got pregnant with my second when she was 8 months so they are just 17 months apart). It wasn't until the 2nd arrived that I fell in love with staying home and feel completely content with it. (But, I'm older and worked for many years). I have a sitter come for 4 hours a week so I can have some alone time which really helps refresh me.

Look into www.meetup.com and you can find groups that you might have interest in:
for example, if you're into photography, you can find a meetup group for that, mother's group, sewing, entreprenuer, etc.

Good luck. Its a hard transition and not for everyone but you might find in a few months that you enjoy it more and more.

You MUST find something to do, something that gives you a break, that taps into your talents, that centers on your needs.

I have been a SAHM for more than FIVE years now, and my youngest is going to all-day kindergarten next year, but I love writing, and from the time he was born I've written three books and several plays. It's hard to find time, but my kids know that sometimes I just need to go out to a playwrights' group, or I need them to play in the backyard, or I need to take something to the post office.

Don't worry about the money factor. If you've survived financially so far, you should, at least for a while, and day care is such an expense. But if you need face time with friends, find a moms group where you can get that interaction. Walk with friends and their kids, do "play dates" so you and other moms can talk. You'd be surprised at how many moms would love to come...

Try a few things, and if something isn't what you need, try something else.

Hey J..
I know exactly how you feel. I too have been there and struggled with feeling like I am not doing enough. I learned to deal with it by forming relationships with other moms. I would organize play dates, and would try to do at least one fun activity a day. For example, Mondays would be a class, then Tuesdays would be library, then Wednesdays would be a playdate, etc. I also run about 5 days a week which gives me a way to relieve extra energy and stress. You can get a running stroller and enjoy the time together with your son. Your idea for going back to school is a great one as well. I started going to the University of Phoenix online when my daughter was about 6 months old and I am still going strong 3 years later. I will have my Bachelors degree in Business Management by this time next year. You should really look into it. It has made my husband very proud of me and given me a sense of self worth. Whatever path you choose, good luck J..

Have you joined any mom support groups. Not knowing where you live but you could look online or in local free parenting publications like 'Metro Parent'. Online you could look for MOMS Club or MOPS. These are a great way to connect with other SAHMs for adult interaction and support while your child develops social skills with other babies.

You also mention your husband has hobbies. How about you? With him traveling so much, you should find a chance to get away for a little time to your self every now and then.

J.,

I went through a similar experience when I had my daughter. Due to complications of labor and childbirth, I was disabled for 7 months and forced to stay home 24/7 with my baby. Prior to that time, I worked full time and was studying for my Masters degree.

I ended up finishing my Masters degree during my leave from work. It helped me to get out and take classes with other educated adults. Perhaps you could consider taking classes at a local community college, and get a babysitter for your son during those times. You said you don't know what you want to go back to school for? Well, you could start by taking an art or music class, or learn a new language, something you enjoy doing. Also, I think some colleges offer parenting classes through community learning.

I wish you the best, and Happy Mother's Day!

C. J

I have a friend who does volunteer work with Adoption Awareness and just totes her daughter around with her.

There are endless opportunities for volunteer work. In fact, you may be able to arrange child-care along with it if you'd like to volunteer at your local YMCA.

You should have a talk with your husband. If he's gone (what sounds like) 20% of the time he's "home", then he might need to consider rolling that back a bit. You should also have a day off with regularity to pursue your own hobbies/interests. Evening dance classes? Community college classes? Night out with friends?

Being home with the kids can be really boring. Even with projects to do at home, you NEED some real interaction sometimes.

Good luck.

Hi J.,

I think it's not uncommon to feel like this. i think a good thing to tell yourself is that this first year - 18 months is very demanding on a mom, stay at home or otherwise. being a mom who went back to work after 10 weeks off, I ached every day to be with my baby, and it was a huge strain to work full time and be a mom the other hours. I mention that because you never know if you would feel just as bad for different reasons if you were working. My husband did stay at home with our son until he was 10 months old. I reassured him that he was contributing because he could care for our son one on one, he didn't spend most of the day in a bouncy chair at daycare, and he saved us $1200/mo in daycare, plus kept things manageable. Even so, I'd wished it were me at home. Perhaps you could reset your perspective, and see this as a unique time period where your baby is best off with you, and you may be best off cherishing this time with your baby, a rare and short time in our lives. If you think like the Europeans, they just enjoy their year off, and then go back to work. You will work again if you want. It's hard to see anything in the darkness of a demanding baby and lack of sleep. But it does ease up. Others have lots of advice for things to get involved in, but I think it's important to remember that things will change (and keep changing fairly regularly) in your life as a mom. But the first year, it's hard to do anything but baby!
Best wishes

You are lonely! I've been there. It is hard to be with baby all day everyday and very little adult interaction!
This is necessary for your survival! I would recommend finding a playgroup or two in your area. churches and rec centers have them. I live in Vancouver and I am a part of a moms group at my church. You are totally welcome to come! We meet on Wednesday mornings at Compass church in downtown vancouver at 9:30 am.

Do you go to church? Most church activities allow you to take your children. This way you could connect with other mommies.
Also, you could sell stuff from home: ebay, craigs list, Avon...something you like and would love to share with others. My sister sells Avon. You could contact her to talk about how she does it and handles everyday life. www.youravon.com/kaylakinnick

Hi J.,
Like Stacy said, there are many great home-based businesses out there that can allow you to contribute financially as well as to get out of the house and meet new people.
I am a consultant with Arbonne International and am always looking for other women who have an interest in health and wellness and like to help other people. You can go to my webpage at www.nursekerry.myarbonne.com for more information. I would love to share what Arbonne has to offer and see if it would be a fit for you.