Years ago, my brothers and all our spouses agreed to rotate holidays (ex: Thanksgiving with our side, Christmas with the spouse family, and flip-flop the next year). Simple enough to avoid any clashes. Until now. Thanksgiving is with at my mom's house this year with everyone. My eldest brother ("Jake")'s wife "Terri" invited her sister and BIL to Thanksgiving without consulting our side of the family. History indicates that if Terri's sister and BIL will be there, so will her parents. Two people of whom we do not like - they are come off as highly pretentious and arrogant when they actually decide to speak with us. Jake confirmed just yesterday that they will all be in attendance and that he and Terri are hosting Thanksgiving at their house. We are all invited, "but understand if you cannot make it due to logistics". The logistics are referring to their 3rd floor condo without an elevator and three babies who need highchairs and beds for naps. It is evident through conversation that they invited Terri's family before inviting us and completely disregarded the fact that our mom was already scheduled to host at her house this year.
Over the past several years, we've had our difference with Jake and Terri - she's a "challenging personality", who often operates passive-aggressively. Jake is a “nice guy” who doesn’t like to argue too much unless it’s in support of Terri. None of us blame him for supporting his wife - he should! We certainly do not want to put him in the middle of his wife and the family he grew up with - that would be unfair and we all realize it.
What I tried to explain to him yesterday was that it was our year for Thanksgiving and I, speaking only for myself, felt hurt and disappointed in their decision and approach. It felt as though we didn't have a say in the matter without coming off as jerks. He apologized and then said he wasn’t apologizing. “It is what is it, the invitation is out there for us to accept or decline”. I also explained that my husband and I have considerable planning to do when it comes to these visits – we are in Atlanta, they are in Chicago – it’s a 13 hour drive with two kids under the age of 4. I have to take more time off work so we can make the drive because flights are too expensive – my husband is unemployed and going to school full-time. We have a mortgage and daycare expenses, gas is through the roof, student loans, etc. I know we are in the same boat as a lot of other people. My husband and I count our blessings every day for our health and that I am paid well enough to just cover our living expenses. That’s all we need in life.
Without going into too much detail (there’s so much more!), how can I assertively explain to him that we all feel as though he's choosing her family over ours? (We also all think it’s odd that there are pictures of her side, but not ours at their house.) Ultimately, their decisions are demonstrating familial preference and disrespecting established boundaries.
A big THANK YOU to those who provided thoughtful feedback. (I think a few responders lost the point of my question... but appreciate the input anyway. I would NEVER put my brother in the position where he feels he has to take sides. And even though my SIL is passive-aggressive, we've never shown anything but love to her. Her family, in fact, has spent quite a few holidays with ours.) I let my brother know about the disappointment yesterday and am letting the rest go. I had to get the mucky feelings out there into space and collect my head. When I really contemplated about this and then read some of the thoughts below, it is THANKSGIVING! For crying out loud, we're supposed to be thankful for our health, for each other. We'll all live even if my SILs parents are there boring us to tears. Maybe we could just have fun with it and we'll figure something out. It will be OK in the end. So, thanks again to those with thoughtful suggestions. I try to lead a life that is free of BS and here I got a little caught up in the drama of it all. I know my family will have a happy holiday... Happy Thanksgiving (waaay in advance) to you all!
Personally, I would just go to the party and let the rest of this go. But, if you all feel it is something that must be forced, than still do the thanksgiving at moms as planned, and let brother know that you are all sticking to the original agreement, and that you hope they can make it, but if not, you understand.
I would simply just decline and have it at your mom's as planned. While it's not "right or fair" that they did this, you can't really afford to go anyways. Don't stress out over it too much. Instead of going on further about how upset you were/are by their actions, just tell them I'm sorry but we are going to have it at my mom's as originally planned. You've already expressed your disappointment to him so there's no need to rehash that. Good luck.
Just decline the invitation and do what you want (which seems to be going to your mother's house for Thanksgiving). Don't make a mountain out of a molehill. People are allowed to change plans. *You* want the alternating yearly holidays to stay the same. *Jake* does not. He is allowed to have Thanksgiving in his home. You are allowed to decline joining him.
My BIL and SIL have done something similar with Christmas. EVERY Christmas day was spend with my husband's parents - for the past 14 years! Then last year, all of a sudden, my BIL announces that the two of them will be going to *her* parent's house for dinner. We didn't even get to see our first nephew on his first Christmas. My MIL was *crushed*....they stopped in for about an hour to open presents, but were long gone by the time we got there at noon.
So I would say to stick with your original plans. Your mom is hosting dinner, go THERE. Your brother has specifically said that it's ok if you don't come and gave you the "logistics" excuse to use....so use it. Enjoy a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner with your side of the family and don't worry about your brother.
You can't control what other people do, so don't waste energy trying to change or understand their actions. Enjoy your holiday!
It's an invitation.
Either go or don't.
No O. has the authority to dictate how another family celebrates a holiday.
If your mom is still hosting another dinner--go there.
He's not CHOOSING her family--he has invited them for dinner.
Go to your mom's for thanksgiving as planned. Enjoy your time with your family. Life is too short.
It seems like a no brainer and your brother summed it up. "The invitation is out there for us to accept or decline." Have Thanksgiving at your mom's house as planned.
Tell your brother that you are disappointed that he wont be able to celebrate with the family this year, but hope that you will be able to see him at the next Thanksgiving.
Granted, I dont know the whole story, but I dont think that I would give your brother grief over this. The holiday rotation schedule is a good idea, but maybe the inlaws families wanted to do something different. Your family making that schedule makes it so that all the other families and extended families have to abide by it. Sure, your SIL agreed to it, but she didnt sign a contract for life.
The whole point of choosing the wife's family over yours - it seems a little grade school. And putting him in the middle where he feels like he is being pulled in both directions and getting guilt from both sides doesnt seem like a great way to build/maintain a family relationship.
I think that I would express disappointment at not seeing your brother,try to get him to commit to the next holiday and send him some framed family pictures that match the decor in the house for his Christmas present.
It sounds like they want to stay home this year, and as a peace offering are making an open invitation to anyone who wants to come (as opposed to 'we're staying home and you're not invited').
As you said, this agreement was worked out YEARS ago. It may well be time to change the agreement (as things can change quite a bit once more and more people start having children, parents and loved ones start aging or going into health declines or health scares, finances start shifting around, etc.), OR, the agreement may work for everyone still *except* your brother, or it may still work for him, just not this year for whatever reason.
Do know he isn't choosing HER family over YOURS... he's choosing HIS family. As in their nuclear group. For whatever reason, "The Plan" isn't working for HIS family.
I've only read a few of the responses so I'm sure I'm repeating here, but if it was me, I'd just stick with the original plan of going to your mom's house & let sleeping dogs lie. I mean, you've already told your brother how you feel about it, no need to go into it all again. He's an adult, he's made a decision with his wife, they're not budging. You can choose to say, "Whew, he's kind of a jerk" & let it go at that or you can prolong the whole thing & have the possibility of ruining the relationship entirely hanging over your head. If you're cool with that, then yeah, let him have it verbally. If not, just let it go.
I hear that you would love to preserve the big, sprawling traditional family gatherings. It sounds like this is really special for you. It's possible that other family members don't have the same "tradition" bone you were born with, and if that's so, then they may find the big gatherings stress-inducing and not pleasurable.
I can relate to those feelings, myself, not having been born with a 'tradition bone' of my own. That doesn't make me, or you, right or wrong. Add in the fact that you dislike your SIL's relatives, and that complicates your feelings further.
I think DM is making a reasonable observation – as families expand, it becomes harder and harder to accomodate everybody's needs and preferences. Your desire to have your family all together probably feels like a real emotional need for you, and that's hard to let go of. It's also possible that your SIL, or even your brother, have been struggling with their own preferences in recent years to attend the big gatherings, and this year they've decided not to.
Sad for you if you dwell on it. How about just going ahead at your mom's this year and have the best, happiest, most comparison-free time you can. You may also be able to find other ways to connect with your brother during the coming year (maybe at Christmas or New Year?), and perhaps start a new tradition.
Wishing you the best.
Holidays aren't written in stone. Sometimes members of the family want to do something different, and that should be allowed without any feelings of hurt. Disappointment that you won't see them, sure, but we all have lives to live and many people to please on both sides of the family. (Realize that each family has two different families to please and it gets crazy!) Sometimes my husband and I just don't want to do the same thing each and every year. One year we went to Hawaii for Christmas (pre-child); one Thanksgiving we went up to Morro Bay on our own.
So I do agree with the other moms on here ... let it go and have a great holiday, whatever you decide to do. I personally would stick with going to your mother's house. Good luck!
Stop, he knows what he is doing. It is a small miracle that this has not happened with other siblings as well.
I would just say "I am so sorry we won't get to see you this year! We are sticking to the family plan so we are attending the family get together at Mom's this year. I wish you guys could make it too. I hope you have a wonderful time!" Blah blah blah and so forth. That comes off as less " you aren't going by our plans that everyone agreed on years ago!!!" etc....
I am not as close to my family as I wish so I admire you guys for doing the family thing and not deciding years ago that when kids starting coming you were not participating in the family stuff, it would be at your home so you could start your own family traditions. The old folks will be gone soon enough and they will appreciate each time you make the sacrifice to attend these family things.
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We host Thanksgiving at our home every year. Everyone is invited, my family and hubs family. Not one year has everyone come and that's ok. Sometimes our siblings need to go with their spouses family. Sometimes my dad and step mom go with her family etc. No big deal, we go on and have a blast with anyone who is here and wish the others well and hope to see them soon.
E.S., I hear what you are saying. I come from a family where we attempt to rotate the holidays amongst 3 or sometimes 4 families (My parents split and remarried; my sister and her family; and my in-laws). Now, there is a baby in our house and suddenly, everyone is jockeying for position.
So here are my thoughts: look at your last sentence referencing "established boundaries". That doesn't scream “the true meaning of family fun” to me. So what if your brother favors his in-laws...that is his choice….maybe they have money and he is trying to secure a chunk once they kick it (sorry, trying to make light of the situation!). Just take the year off and do your own thing, relaxing, being with family not taking leave or fighting traffic, etc. It would certainly be cheaper to buy a turkey and fixins than to travel the 13 hours...plus, two under the age of 4? Well, God bless you on that one...I struggle with a 17-month old on an hour long trip anywhere :o)
The point is this, don't let other family members’ decision impact you like this. It stinks but you have to selectively pick your battles. Your brother certainly has (Siding with the enemy haha!) so maybe you should follow suit and do your own thing. This is a time to reflect on what you are thankful for, not bickering for not being chosen or someone simply deciding they don’t like the “established boundaries” system anymore. If it doesn’t work this year, that is ok. Maybe then your brother will realize that he missed his sister and will get it in gear for the next go ‘round. Don’t let it get you down be with your family at your home with little or no stress! Times and people change….just roll with it and maybe this is a great time to start your own traditions.
I say everyone goes forward w/ their plans for dinner at your mom's...sorry that your brother and his wife can not make it.
You're all adults who need to reconsider this idea of "holiday by committee." Decline the invite, proceed as planned with dinner at your mother's house and move along. Yes he is choosing to passively go along with his wife's plans, which is his prerogative to do so in his marriage and is really not your business. If your parents are offended, they can and should let him know themselves. They are adults who have mouths and you can speak for yourself. You've already told him how you feel, he has let you know that he really doesn't care about your objections so it is what it is. Don't throw more attention their way by bringing it up again.
As families expand, it's almost impossible to coordinate it all around the holidays. Given the cost and prior plan, go to you Mom's relax and enjoy. Explain to your brother that you are disappointed that he won't be coming. Other than that I wouldn't get in to choosing one family over another. When we marry, that family becomes our #1 priority. In our family we have started to do some "holiday" gatherings between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Cheaper and less stressful : ). My kids are little, and when I said we are staying in CO vs. coming to Chicago for Christmas, my family was crushed. We have moved on. It's tough, but don't let it ruin your relationship with your family or your holiday.
Just go to your moms house as planned and let them do what they want. Continue with the schedule you all agreed too and if they don't go, that is on them. Good luck!
Great question and at the perfect time of the year. Our family has always alternated between two households. The situation we have is as all of the siblings, cousins etc have become married, moved off or divorced. As we get older our extended families have grown and all involved have accepted the fact that 'it wasn't what it used to be'. And that's o.k. We all still care for each other and miss each other it's just that the dynamic has changed.
We recently moved 5 hours from both our immediate families (not that 5 hours is the end of the world) but it doesn't change the event itself.
I wouldn't dwell on this too long. Choose your battles wisely. Good Luck.
I have two brothers, one who is married and the other isn't. Guess who I speak most often with. You got it, the single one. The married one should've taken her name the day he walked down the aisle. I think you pretty much covered it all by what you have said in the post and as far as getting any validation from him, if that's what you are searching for....don't expect it. I doubt it'll happen. I don't mean to sound so cold, it's just that I have had to build up a wall with this whole subject for the same reasons and I realize how hurtful it is too. The one thing my SIL doesn't take away though is my b-day, my brother emails me a quick Happy B-day, until she finds that out and puts and end to that :p! Anyways, I hope you enjoy your holidays.
Just go to your Mom's. That is your family.
Then, Terri has her own family. Thus, they are having Thanksgiving at her/their house.
It is her parents. And, per her family, they have, like any other family, family gatherings too. She has to also partake in her family's gatherings, too. So it is at her/their house.
It conflicts with the pre-existing plan, of it being at YOUR Mom's house.
So, go to your Mom's house.
Your Brother can go to his Wife's gathering with her family, at their Condo. He lives there. His Wife's family is his family, too. He has obligations to them too.
You don't have to go.
Just decline.
Say you already told your Mom you will be going to her house.
That's it.
You are not obligated to go to Terri's/your Brother's gathering.
They are having their own.
Fine.
Your Brother is not 'choosing' Terri's family over yours.
But he ALSO has familial duties, to his Wife's family too. He also belongs to them. That is his wife.
And if his Wife is a controlling overbearing Wife, well that is your Brother's problem. Do not make him, feel like it is his fault. Unless he really is a shallow creep.
He has a Wife, to manage too. And her issues. It is not your issues. It is his and his marriage.
It is normal... for a person to do both their family things, AND their in-laws too. Because, they are married. Thus they also have an obligation to their In-Laws too. It is a toggle.
Your Brother is married. Thus he cannot just think about himself.
I would go to Mom's for dinner and let this one go. It is hard to make all parties involved happy when you deal with sooo many people spouses and their inlays(let alone your own). As adults, you can not keep up with set in stone family traditions when you have moved on with your own family.
Just go to Mom's house and enjoy the holiday with who ever shows up. I understand this is frustrating, annoying and sad that the whole family will not be there...but have fun with whoever shows up and don't spend the day bad talking about brother and sister in law.
We have had many situations like this happen. I get it...I understand. But, don't let it take too much energy from you and weigh on you. Let it go.
Good luck and best wishes at having a terrific turkey day!!
I'm not really sure what there is to "explain" to him. If its your families turn to do the thanksgiving then do it. Tell him sorry we can't make it this year. he is the one choosing his wife's family. don't make it into a drama. just say sorry will see you when we can. Just because he has decided to host his wifes family doesn't mean the rest of the family will go. If it is at your moms maybe the rest of the family will choose to stay home as well. as far as the pictures of her side at the house. its her house. I can say for a fact in my own home there are more photo's of my family than my hubbies. it matters more to me than him lol
I would just let them do their thing and hold Thanksgiving at your Mom's with the rest of the family. You may have all agreed on this "plan" of rotation, but things change and he is not pecluding the rest of your family from having their celebration. I think you have said your piece and now the rest of you need to decide whether you will attend Thanksgiving with your brother (and all that goes along with that) or if you'll go on with your own plans and see him another time. He has to make mutual decisions with his wife now and you really don't have a say in it, so just enjoy the family that shows up and let him be with his wife's family. I understand that it may have hurt your feelings, but I really don't see this as a huge deal. Best of luck to you and enjoy your holidays!
I'd let your mom and SIL figure this one out (who will host)...then if at SIL just attend, make due with accomodations, put on a smile and deal. This is not a sword to fall on, in my opinion.
I can see why you're upset given you all agreed to this schedule and he nixed it without any discussion. So be mad and you're justified but it's not going to change anything. It's too bad but your brother married someone who makes it a bit difficult and this is why sometimes I'm glad I have a fairly small family - makes things simpler. He's in a no win situation likely. As someone said, you guys all agreed to this but that didn't leave any room for all the inlaw families to have a say. So maybe your SIL is getting pressure and her loyalties lie with her family so she's pressuring your brother who is dammed if he does, dammed if he doesn't. Figure this makes it easier on you in a way if you can just stay close to home. Just do your own thing and figure everyone's struggling w/ balancing all this family and the selfish people in their families and it's not gonig to be perfect.
Fist of all, have you talked to your mom and other siblings? Does your mom still want to do it? If so, then decline the invitation and say we'll go as plan, which was go to mom's for Thanksgiving. As I see it, your mom's house was option 1, and your brother and SIL are option 2. Now if the whole family is going to your brother's and SIL, then maybe you and hubby could just have a quiet one at home. I know it's not the same as having the whole family together, but Christmas is right around the corner. Hopefully your mom is still hosting at her house.
I'd just say "fine." I'm going to mom's house since it is at her house this year. I hope you will join us, as I look forward to our thanksgivings together.
There comes a time when the "new" nuclear family should take priority over the "old" nuclear family. Yes, it is always nice to get everyone together, but sometimes it is just much easier to do things apart.
In fact, I usually host a small xmas eve gathering, and last year I was too sick. It was WONDERFUL. We ordered Chinese food, there were no dishes, I could enjoy my kids. We then saw everyone on xmas day at my mom's. I think from now on xmas eve will be about MY family (hubby and the kids and I.)
I am not going to weigh in on the whole dinner thing, because I don't know what the right answer would be. I will mention that as for the pictures, if your brother is not the decorator in the house, that might be why your family is not represented. It is natural to feel closer to your blood relatives than to your in laws. If your sister in law is the one who puts up the family photos, she might just be picking her favorites form her family. Just another way to look at it.
How about you just stay home! If you do not want to do that, go to your
Moms house. Do not get involved in all the "minusia" (spelling). Life is
too short.
I'm impressed all your family: all siblings and spouses spend EVERY holiday together. That sounds hard to me bc at some point it is nice to have your own nuclear family holidays at times. Or what if one of the spouses' siblings or parents want them to come over to their house for a holiday. It sounds like a lot of pressure to me to keep that up for too many years. Anyway, It sounds like you got it figured out. I feel pulled in many directions every Christmas. We have 3 sets of parents - my husband's parents, my mom and her boyfriend and my dad and stepmom. Everyone lives in a different place. We have my sisters in the DC area and in Maryland, my brother in Alaska, my husbands sister in Philly and my husband's brother in Ithaca. My grandpa and mom's family are in Connecticut. My MIL's family are in Maine and in Washington state. Of course we want to see everyone but it's just not possible. Some years we want to spend holidays at home too. It all gets way too complicated!
What does your mom say? Is she hurt that the plan was pulled out from under her? If so, she should tell everyone she's still hosting. If your brother and his wife want to do their own thing, then so be it. I wouldn't schlepp two kids from Atlanta to Chicago to sit there on Thanksgiving with rude people. No way! It's a shame that he's deviating from the agreement, but you can't force people to do things. Best wishes!
Why get so worked up over it? Just go to your mom's and celebrate as planned.
If he's chosen to celebrate with his spouse's family, that should not be an affront to yours. Have you never celebrated with YOUR spouse's family? Why, yes...as you stated before, you have. Why is it any different in his case? Who cares, really?
OR (ETA), you could just do what I do...throw up your hands, say EFF THIS DRAMA, and have your own Thanksgiving at your own house. I just put out the word that everyone and anyone is invited, just let me know if you'll be dropping by so I have enough of everything. No pressure, no drama. If you don't like it....don't RSVP. And don't ask me who is coming, because I'm not telling. If you don't like them....tough sh*t. Get over it, it's the holidays.
ETA again...also, if I were your SIL, I sure as heck wouldn't want to spend the holidays with anyone so judgemental of myself and my parents. I'd want to feel accepted and loved, because that's what family and holidays are all about. Regardless of how you feel about them, they're still family.
I wouldn't explain anything to him. If he's choosing her family this year, then that's what he's doing. Follow through with having family Thanksgiving at your mother's this year as planned originally. Your brother and SIL can come by and visit for a time after they've had their separate Thanksgiving with her parents.
It's not worth widening the rift by passing words, no matter how well intentioned, when there could be a situation going on that they feel bound to follow through with. It's very possible that this year they're simply doing what they feel is best for their family.
Just go to your moms and explain that time and finances just don't make it possible to go to Chicago this year. I wouldn't do it! No need to explain hurt feelings or anything.
Wow, I would just keep your original plans and be done with it. Doesn't seem work all the extra hassle. Maybe they just wanted a change for this holiday....
I agree with Melanie D. A 13 hr car trip is too much with your little ones and would probably need a night at a hotel to split it up. Tell your brother you just can't afford it right now but maybe at Christmas. It's a good excuse.
More importantly how does your mom feel about not having the dinner at her home? I need to know that in order to answer you question.
Sounds like sadly this year your family may have to "put on a smile" and act nice. The invite is already out to the in-laws of your brother. They may have their feelers hurt and cause years of grief in the future. As your brother and sister in law after the holidays that would like to keep thing intamite with just the family, and not the extra family.
My sister in law (husband's sister) always invites her mother-in-law (there is a divorce) and sister in law and family. SInce they have no where to go, they join my husband's family gatherings. They are nice enough, but often feel like my sister in law only pays attention to them instead of her family. Oh well in-laws can be wonderful or pains in the......
