How to Handle the Holidays...

"This Thanksgiving we ended up only seeing his family, and now I am trying to request that we eat Christmas dinner with my family since I haven't done so in 7 years..."

It is only fair. He should have no issue with this. If he fights it then maybe you suggest that his family come to you the weekend after Christmas.

Then instead of fighting which parents get to see their grandchild. Have both come over for dinner or brunch that way everyone will see each other. That is what we do on christmas. Both sides of the family come over for dinner.

I am in a very similar situation---although the way I have worked it out is I spent Thanksgiving with his family & I will see them on Christmas Eve--then on Christmas Day we go to my extended family & we just decided last night to do my immediate family on the 26th (Boxing Day & my anniversary)--it is all about compromise--my husband is an only child, which makes it even harder & my daughter is the only child on their side (immediate & extended)so mine is bit more sensative due to that fact. I am expectring a second child in the Spring--but this seems to work, but I needed my husbands support & the first year he was a little leary, but I ended up doing Christmas Eve--maybe that would help, it worked for us.

Good Luck, I know how touchy this can be.

My mother is also widowed, but there are three children in my family & we all have children.

It's not possible to accommodate everyone. We decided to alternate holidays (Thanksgiving & Christmas). One year we devote Thanksgiving to my husband's family and Christmas solely to mine. The next year we switch.
That doesn't mean we don't see his family around Christmas time on their "off" year. They have a Christmas dinner with extended family about a week before Christmas, and we go to that too.
We have synchronized years with my sister and her husband's family as well, so we could all give each other undivided attention at least every other year.
Ever since this change, the holidays are a lot less stressful.
Oh yeah! We've also decided to make Christmas day our own! If people want to visit us at home, they're welcome, but we want to wake up to gifts at our own home. We have our own family now!

Xmas is not the time to eliminate a true family member no matter how often your inlaws see the child. To eliminate them is wrong. They should be added to the guest list at your familys residence and the extended family should be the ones eliminated. We all have had to do it somewhere down the line. It's not easy but everyone understands. Make sure you find a weekend before or after Xmas to spend time with the extended family. You should never have to go without seeing your family either; your husband needs to understand this also. The holidays need to be a happy occasion for all 3 of you.

Holidays, travel, big family. It's a mess. Have everybody come by your place since you have the baby. If they don't want to make you happy, then you will need to have them adjust their celebrations. Either one on Christmas Eve and one on Christmas day or you, hubby and son celebrate. Good luck. Hapyp Holidays

What we have done since we had our child is to take turns every year as to which family we get to visit on the actual holiday. At Thanksgiving we went 1 hr. to my Aunt's house to have dinner with extended family. The weekend after we went to my husband's family's home 2 hrs away. For Christmas we will go to his family's house on the 24th-25th and for the weekend go to visit my family. It can become a very sore subject. We just had to agree to the rotation but can be modified for special circumstances: My sister will be here from Az this Christmas so we will try to spend as much time with her as possible. Good luck. Your families are equally important. Make sure you are both aware of that!

I am sorry to hear about your delima. I know how hard it is. Luckily this isn't a problem for our family anymore. My husbands side is a small group as well. Not as small as yours, but fairly small. We all go to my inlaws at Thanksgiving time and do Christmas as well. The reason we do this is because they live over 5 hours away now. But when I first started dating my husband we would travel to his mom's house on thanksgiving when they still lived in the area, and then to my mom's house for dessert. My inlaws were nice enough though to think about my parents and my BIL's parents to let them go spend Christmas with them. My MIL would do a Christmas dinner the Saturday before Christmas. Just a suggestion. Or see if they would like to get together Christmas Eve. Why don't you suggest doing something at your house with them the Saturday before or Christmas Eve. I know it is short notice but just a thought. Or try and do that next year. Good Luck!

D.,

Family is such a hard thing to deal with-in the end it seems nobody is happy either. My suggestion is to start going to one family at Thanksgiving and celebrating Christmas on that day, and then see the other family on Christmas day. The next year switch it so that you are with the other family on Thanksgiving to also celebrate Christmas. The other option is to start Celebrating with one family on Christmas day, and the other on Christmas Eve. As families grow and change so do traditions have to grow and change. I have 3 families because my parents are divorced so we celebrate Christmas with my in-laws on a totally different day which gives them more time with us and we feel less rushed. It was hard for them in the beginning, but now everyone looks forward to it. We celebrate with my mom on Christmas Eve and my dad on Christmas day. It is hectic, but that's just the way it has to be. Good luck finding something that works for you and your family. :)

A.

This was an issue for us the first few years, and then it worked itself out. Partly because my DH's family (he has the big extended family) also has their own inlaws to accommodate.

Now at Thanksgiving we see my side on T day, and his on Friday or Saturday (decided in advance.) On xmas, my mom gets xmas eve and xmas morning, and we have a big extended family party in the afternoon on his side.

Most of our friends with out-of-town parents alternate holidays, so one year one family gets Thanksgiving, the next year they get xmas.

Basically, all of the grandparents need to be grownups about sharing. I know they all want to come first, but that's not possible. I also know how difficult it is to negotiate, but let your husband know - if you and he start the way you're going to continue, it's going to be a lot easier. Otherwise you'll have the same argument every November until it gets itself worked out.

Since it's such a small group, can his family join your family? Not ideal, but seems fair. Or can you celebrate with his family on a different day? Tricky, I know. We have the same thing and decided to switch it up every other year and STICK to it no matter what. Good luck!

We did the double holidays for many years. After the baby came, I told them that it would n ot be fair for the child to leave home and not get to play with presents as she got older, so I started hosting. The first year was tough until they realized that we meant it. It costs more, but was very worth it! Now we celebrate St Nicholas Day (Dec 6th) with all the families, and Christmas is for the smaller units, though the grandparents come if they'd like. As the baby gets older, you'll see that the kids should be the center! Good luck!!!

The advantage of Christmas is you can schedule gatherings on Christmas eve and Christmas Day. I come from a large family with lots on in-laws so we get together on Christmas eve. That leaves Christmas day to get together with my husband's family. It is hard to start this discussion because everyone puts so much importance on Christmas. Since this is your baby's first christmas, everyone will want to see him. Try to get one family to move to Christmas eve.

My in-laws learned from the very start that I am not going to just let something go on because it has always been so, and I speak my mind. I am after all, get this, an intelligent person.

So, if this were ME I would call up my mil and say, "you know what, you see baby all the time, and my family doesn't. So how about we move your Christmas thing to lunch time, and then I can do dinner with my family."

If she says no, you say, "well, I'm sorry, would you like to pick Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas then?"

In other words YOU run YOUR family and YOU decide what will work best for you. YOU are in control, and your dh can just realize that baby changes everything and this is one of those things.

can you invite yours husbands family to yours?

This is a great time to start new traditions. When I got married I told my husband I wanted x-mas morning to only be us and eventually our kids and us. Our extended families could see us later in the day. As you have a new baby now you could start some new traditions. Go ahead and talk to your in-laws yourself. Just be kind and honest about your dilemma. They may not be receptive, I know my husbands grandparents would not bend their traditions for my mother-in-law. But if you don't take a stand now, don't expect to be able to change things later. More than likely things will be forgiven. Good luck!

I guess you could say that I have the same situation, but I am on the opposite side. My boyfriend's parents are divorced, so that brings about even more stress. Before baby, we used to have 4 separate Christmas'. It was NUTS. After Braden was born, I decided that no matter what, we will always wake up in our own beds and open Santa's gifts on Christmas morning. That way no one can have hurt feelings about that because it's OUR tradition.

Now, with the dinners, what we have ended up doing, is having a Christmas with my boyfriends mother the weekend before Christmas at her home (presents, dinner, etc). Then WE host a dinner on Christmas Eve for his father and Grandma. Then Christmas morning is us at home and in the afternoon we go to my parents home and then have dinner. What about doing something like that? Have Christmas Eve at your place and invite his family over. That way your little one (who isn't going to care about Christmas this year anyway) can be happy in his own home and go to bed on time. Maybe you could even stop at their home on Christmas morning before you go to your parents?

I think that if you don't set up some compromise now, then people are going to be hurt. You may have to resort to the every other year thing and just switch back and forth. One year Thanksgiving at his parents, Christmas at yours, next year opposite.

I've been there and I feel for you. The holidays are usually a time of stress in my home too and it's all because people just can't go with the flow. I've even thought about booking a vacation at Christmas just to avoid all the BS. Good luck to you.

You have to do what is best for your FAMILY and if that means since you saw his family on Thanksgiving then you need to see yours on xmas and maybe next year switch it.

I stopped all the running around from house to house when my daughter was 2 and now with another one on the way it is way to hard to be going 4 places in one day or driving to my inlaws which is 4 plus hours away. We chose to stay home thanksgiving and went to my grandmas (lives a block away) for pie in the evening. Christmas morning we will stay home till 2pm and then go to my families for dinner.

You can't please everyone and when you try you only make yourself feel miserable and then don't enjoy any of it. When you bring up the topic with your husband be sure to present it in a way where you aren'y demanding and making him feel like his family isn't important or whatever he feels. So just say it is time for us to come up with our own traditions and still have some extended family time with your parents, siblings and my parents and siblings. Brain storm about how it might look. What do each of you want out of the holidays? You will both have to compromise a little to make it all work. My in laws live in florida. In the beginning we would alternate thanksgiving and christmas going there. However, even the years we went to florida on thanksgiving, we stayed home for x-mas we would still go down to florida on the 27th. I felt like we had just left florida (which we did since we were there only three weeks prior) and then we were back again. So since my husband wanted to go down there each year during that week after christmas and wouldn't budge we decided to always be home for thanksgiving, we stay in IL during x-mas but on x-mas eve we always go to my parent's which is an hour away and on christmas day we stay home if anyone wants to see us they can come over. So for a while my parents and siblings would come over for dinner, but then my sis got married and she had to be with his family so I don't see my family anymore on x-mas day. It was hard for me to let that go and that was only my sister and mom and dad can you imagine if it is your own child and to have to let that go is hard so let the in-laws and parents down easy. then on the 27th we always go down to florida and stay through the 3rd or so of Jan. We do x-mas with them when we get there. This works for us. Maybe you can host one of the holidays and have everyone from both sides over. Make sure to delegate parts of the meal to others so you aren't doing it all yourself. You would have a lot of people to cook for. Anyway, brainstorm together, coompromise and come up with a solution. It will be difficult but once more children come it is even harder. We saw how the kids hated to have to get ready and go anywhere on christmas day when all they wanted to do was play with their new toys. This is also good for me because we stay in pj all day we have a yummy breakfast of waffles and strawberries an whip cream. Once you make your own traditions your husband will have an easier time of it.

My husband's grandmas lived to be very old so every holiday we had to go visit his family because his family would say....well this could be the last year we have the grandmas. So my family (who we lived close to) never had us for the holidays. So when my father was sick with cancer I said NO more...I finally put my foot down and said I wanted to spend more holiday time with my family. We told his family when we would be at their house and they could work around it or not. My husband's sister in law's family would change their plans a million times and then his family would expect me to call all my family and change all our plans so that we could all be together. It has been so much better since we made a plan...everyone knows what to expect and work around. Each year we go to his family's for thanksgiving since we live by my family. Then for Christmas we spend Christmas eve with my family and Christmas morning with our kids at our home then in the afternoon we pack up and head to his parent's house for a few days visit. My extended family also has a party every Dec. 23rd so I really spend 2 days with my family, before we go to his parent's house. My kids love the holidays because it is one party after another and all the cousins!!!
You should just talk with your mother in law and let her know how you feel. She will understand and maybe you can come to a conclusion together...your husband will take it better if he knows his mom is in agreement. Your kids need to spend special times with both sides of the family. Could you ever have both families come to your house? Maybe not something you can do now but think about that for the future. Good luck. talk with your mother in law, your husband just doesn't want to hurt his family's feelings...he's not a bad guy.

I would suggest that "You do Christmas" you now have a child and you should start your own Christmas traditions. once we had our children, we said, "we are staying home for Christmas" you can do what you want..invite them all, or invite no one and just be together. We don't really do fancy here. my kids love that they can stay in jammies and do what they want. and believe me...they are now 14 and 20 and would not have it any other way!!! PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN>

Hi D.,

I think you have already gotten some good advice. I just wanted to reiterate the importance of your husband recognizing his family now - you and baby. He should first be taking care of you two, second his mom. Talk to him about your feelings and how important your family is too. Sounds like you have been accommodating enough by sacrificing your parents and siblings. Both parents are equally important and time with you and your baby should be shared. If he won't talk to his family on your behalf that is really too bad. If you end up talking to them just be careful that he doesn't get upset with you over it or that he doesn't expect you to talk to them every time there is an "issue". That is not a fair position to put you in. Sounds like I've been there??? Yes, but fortunately when I talked to my husband he was very receptive. Sometimes, it is still hard for him to speak up but he tries and that is all that matters to me :) Good luck!!!!!!!!! Have a wonderful holiday!

Things change when you have a child even though his family is used to you both accomidating them. If they don't want to agree, plan on staying home as a family and inviting everyone to your house. If they know you're not going to go either place (it could just be a threat if you'd rather not entertain that many people) they may back off and be a little more flexible. Grandparents never like to share, so you may have to put your foot down to this one. If your husband won't agree, he can go alone to his family and you can take your son to yours. Marraige is about compromise and it sounds like you have done your fair share so far, it's his turn now. Good luck and happy holidays!

The most fair way of handling this is to alternate the holidays each year. One year his family for Thanksgiving, yours for Christmas. The following year your family for Thanksgiving, his for Christmas.

You should be able to talk to your in-laws. So many times I read that people feel that it is not their place to do so but what I wonder is why not? Unless you are completely on the outs with them; don't they consider a part of the family? Explain your reasoning and try to make it their choice to adjust somewhat. It is not fair and like in every relationship compromise is a must. You never know, his parents may be quite understanding, no one ever gave them a chance. It can't hurt to ask. It's not like you are totally abandoning them. What is his sister and husband doing on Christmas eve? Maybe you could do dinner with them then or go on Christmas day for a brunch or lunch? You definatley deserve to go to your family's side, especially since you spend every Thanksgiving with his side. Keep talking to your husband. Good luck and Merry Christmas!

Wow...you have hit a hot button. Lots of advise! I had to change Christmas around last year because, like you, it seems that I am accommodating everyone else, and forgetting my immediate family. You, too, need to consider that, if your immediate family grows, you will want to have traditions for them too that just include your group. With that said, when is your "holiday" time? Why can't one side celebrate on Christmas eve and the "other side celebrate on Christmas day (or evening?). That way, you get Christmas with your family, first thing in the morning when Santa comes?

What we have had to do in my family is: My in-laws will still have Christmas Eve but my family gets the previous or following Saturday (whichever is more convenient for everyone)

You're last line: You try to accommodate everyone.....there is your problem. It's very hard. You will not accommodate everyone and some years it will just be impossible to do (at 18 months, my son broke out with Chicken pox Christmas eve! - Ironically, EVERYONE still wanted to come!) Do your best to walk away from the holidays happy, not stressed. You and your husband need to have a heart-to-heart so that he knows it's not about ranking, who-gets-which time slot - it's about change and practicality. You will miss the meaning of the holidays. You are laying the groundwork for all other holidays.. All the relatives are important - some changes just need to be made if you are going to enjoy them all.

Your husband is going to have to give on something -- either switch off Thanksgiving and Christmas each year or ask his family to schedule for another day. Since his family is smaller, it would be a lot nicer for his family to hold "Christmas" on another day. My husband has a huge family, I have a small family. My family Christmas is always a week or so before or after Christmas so that we can see husband's extended family for Christmas Eve (many of them travel from far away just for this event). We always have Christmas day at home because that is the tradition we want for our children. Anyone can visit if they want to, but we don't run around on Christmas day.

Since it's only a week until Christmas, you are probably going to hurt someone's feelings this year. Think about your relationship with your ILs and decide if your MIL and/or SIL would be open to you talking to them about a change. I always have to have my husband talk to his mother because she gets mad at me if I suggest something, but she is happy to make a change for my husband. Most MILs though, would be glad to discuss it with you. Most people have been through this so it shouldn't come as a shock to either of your families.

Oooh..that is tough when he is not receptive. In the beginning, I was with his family for all holidays because he could not be seperated from his parents and mom. Finally, when we had our first son, I suggested that we split the the holidays, because I missed hanging out with my family. So now, we usually split time in between both families.
On Thanksgiving, we will visit with his family early in the day(3pm)and then head over to my side of the family later for a second round of dinner and dessert.

On Christmas, we spend Christmas Eve with my mom's side of the family and then Christmas Day with his parents, brothers and their family (Spouse and kids).

Are you close enough to his mom to suggest making a change? Maybe you can talk to her.

It is hard to travel when you have kids, so hopefully he and his parents will understand. I hope it all works out and you and your family have a wonderful holiday.

Oh what fun the holidays are??? LOL....I can tell you what my hubby & I did once we had a child, don't know if it will help or not but I hope so!! We have always spent X-mas Eve with my family and then X-mas Day with his but once we had the baby we did X-mas Eve still with my family and then extended an open invitation to everyone to come to our house on X-mas Day so that everyone got to see us as well as the baby and to start tradtion for our daughter that she is able to open & play with her gifts and not have to leave them behind to see family that she really quite honestly doesn't really know because she doesn't see them. I tell both sides I am doing a ham & will be serving at say 5pm & everyone is welcome to join us or they are welcome to come early so that if they have other plans it doesn't become an issue. It is time for the adults on your hubby's side to let the kid enjoy being a kid on Xmas and time for your hubby to make the choice best for his family not his extended family which is now mom, dad & others. Good luck, been there done it & I know it is not fun. Your parents deserve consideration from hubby as that you have been doing it for him for 7 years!!!! Hope it all works out & you enjoy your holiday.
K.

I feel like you are getting walked on by your husband. You have to compromise on holidays. My in-laws live far away (a one day car ride) and we get together on Thanksgiving when the weather isn't too bad. Then on Christmas we are with my family who live close. As your baby gets older you will want to be at home on Christmas morning to open presents. I am sorry this is so stressful for you. Your husband should be sticking up for you not his M.. Good luck!! I wish you the best.

My suggestion is to invite your in laws to your parents and have one big party. This way no one is left out and everyone get to see your son. If that doesn't work, then I would suggest trying an every other holiday situation. Kids put a cramp in the "hustle and bustle" of the holidays and that is not necessarily a bad thing! Most importantly, make sure you spend time w/you, your husband, and your child- those moments go by way too quickly!

Hi D.,

I suggest inviting your in-laws to your family's home this Christmas. In all reality you are all family. That way they can relax and enjoy being with the family.

I hope this helps!

S.

D.,

My inlaws live in Denver, so I really dont have this problem, when I say we are going to denver for a holiday,its fine becasue its not often and when they come they spend it with my family.

But I can tell you what my sister does. She used to try to make both ours family and her husbands family all the time, even with the kids. after it got be too much, she seperates the holiday. She goes to her inlaws on Thanksgiving and Christmas Day ( she has Christmas Day at her house)and she spends Christmas eve ( we celebrate this its actually bigger then christmas day) and Easter with us. It works out great.

do your inlaws get along? maybe you can host a holiday and have everyone by you, if you can. Lives change and so do traditions, I know it stinks, but it happens.

I hope it all works out and you have a Happy Holiday
C. Petras
AVON REP

The holidays are so hard when you try to make everyone happy. It sounds like your families are close by, perhaps you could arrange something for Christmas Day at your house? I know it is hard with an 8 month old.

My husband and I have had a rule since we got married that we spend the holiday at our home. We live 4 hours from his family and over 5 hours from my family, so that means we generally don't see any extended family on the holiday itself. Then we try to make arrangements with everyone else as best we can. That means my December is usually spent travelling in the car back and forth. It isn't ideal, but it works for us. The past 3 years, since my daughter was born, we have invited everyone over to our house for Thanksgiving to make November a bit easier on us. Everyone seems to have taken it okay, although I know our mothers don't like it.

I was given 2 pieces of advice on this topic. One was that, yes you have to try and please your parents and your husbands parents. They worked hard and sacrificed for us and they deserve it. The second piece of advice was that they are now the extended family, and my husband, children and I are my immediate family and they have to come first. I would do not keep my daughter out late to celebrate the holidays or anything else. We have worked hard to have a good night time schedule and I still think she is too little (27 months) to alter it. I would express your concern on the timing with both of your parents and see what compromises can be made. Perhaps one family would agree to do a lunch and then you can do dinner with the others. Or perhaps one side would like to do something on Christmas Eve. They may welcome a change.

Good Luck,
D.

Uggghhh the holidays! Well here is what someone I know does. They rotate every holiday every year. Christmas Eve your family, Christmas Day his family this year. Next year switch. That is fair. I'm sorry, but your husband isn't being fair. I don't blame you for fighting about this. He's not comprimising, but another idea is have it yourself and invite both sides if feasable. If all else fails tell your in laws your situation and ask them for a suggestion. I bet your husband is avoiding a situation that most likely isn't a 'situation' to begin with. If all else fails tell your husband you're not going to either family and stay home just the 3 of you.

Hope this helps.
A. R.

After seven years, you should be able to talk to your inlaws. If you're close enough for them to watch your son, then you should be close enough for you to be able to talk to them. Explain to them exactly what you stated here. Tell them that you would be more than willing to change your family's plans, however, with there being so many people to accommodate, that would be difficult. Ask them if there's anyway they can move their get together earlier in the day (breakfast or brunch) or even on xmas eve (or day if you normally celebrate on xmas eve). Tell them that if it is not possible, then you would need to start alternating holidays--one year Thanksgiving with your family & Xmas with his and the next year vice versa. As far as your husband is concerned, tell him that marriage is a compromise and that he shouldn't expect you to not spend xmas with your family. If you've exhausted all of your efforts at a compromise and they are still unwilling, then you may just have to put your foot down and tell your husband that after you've celebrated as a family xmas morning, that he can go to his parents, but you & your son are going to yours.

I can relate!!!!!!!! Same situation here but now we are rotating and taking turns...Works out so much better. You have to do what is best for you!!!

I agree with several of the posts that your husband is being unfair..If he won't bring it up to his parents then you have to. You need to stand your ground especially since you have a baby...It is only fair that you take turns!!!!!! Your family has a right to be able to see you during the Christmas as well.

In our family we switch off. If we visit my family on Thanksgiving, then my husband's family gets Christmas and we celebrate Christmas on a nearby weekend with my family. Then the next year we flip flop. Our parents are in different states and we have done this every year since we got engaged. (about 15 years) Our kids are now 8 and 10. This way there is no argument about where to go and everyone gets equal holiday time. My brothers, sisters and cousins have all picked up the schedule as well so that we are all home together on the same holiday. Yes, that does mean that for one of the holidays each year our parents are home alone, or there are less people to celebrate with, but they know that the next holiday will be theirs. We get off track once in a while, but over the years it has worked out really well. Good luck, I know it's difficult.

Good luck to you on this.

I'm afraid I don't have much to offer, but if you have a good relationship with your sister-in-law I would mention it to her and get her feedback (not at Christmas but before or after). It's a little hard, though since your husband has been so un-moving on this if he learns of you talking to his sister he may feel you've circumvented him and get angry.

Maybe you could tell him you'd like to get her opinion on this for next year and just deal with it for this year. At 8 mos your child won't really suffer any effects since he'll zonk out anyway.

After shuttling between my parents and my husband's for years, when we bought our house, we invited everyone to our house. It seems like it would be easier for you to maintain your baby's schedule at home. We had 35-40 people between both sides, but we had an empty basement and borrowed tables, chairs, whatever, from everyone, and everybody brought something. It might take a little more organization to assign vegetables for some, desserts for others, etc, but it's worth it to not have to travel all over. Also, crock pots are great for serving gravy and mashed potatoes--you can make the potatoes a couple of hours early.(According to the Chicago Tribune test kitchen, the potatoes stay nice up to six hours).
It seems a perfect time, since the baby is new, to create new traditions for all of the extended family. Perhaps you can ask your mother in law to help you figure out what to do. (Mine is always happy when I ask her advice!)
Good luck, and enjoy the holiday-don't stress out.

In addition to what someone said about visiting his side earlier, and leaving earlier... Could you invite his family to join you at yours? That way the celebration could continue, just elsewhere.

My husband comes from a huge family, half in Iowa and half spread throughout the Chicago suburbs. Finally a few years ago they decided to hold Christmas on the second Sat. of Dec. That way on 24th/25th those with kids, can create their own traditions in their hometowns, or choose to travel again if they want to. This has helped a lot. My family is small, and maybe like your husbands expect us all the time. It's sad but they don't really acknowledge I have another family. I think it's an entirely different mentality of a big family vs. little.

Hopefully he'll come around and do what's best for the baby and create some new traditions revolving around the three of you. Otherwise, I say put your foot down, it's not fair. Especially if his side see's you often! Best Wishes.

How do you feel about his parents? if you are at least somewhat close, bring up the subject about your family not having the chance to see the baby and how big he has grown. Maybe you guys can arrange something else. Is is possible to go to your family earlier in the day and then see his later, switching the routine but not canceling out anyone? Don't bring it up as a confrontation or as their fault but just mention it and see how they respond. Good Luck. I already told my husband that I am not going to any of his relatives this year for dinner. They want to see the baby, they will have to visit us. Every case is different.

You should show these letters to your husband. Your husband's parents are very generous to babysit for you. Would they not then be generous about your seeing your family and them seeing your baby? There is way too much mind reading going on in this situation. How does he know what they are thinking or feeling? On what basis does he conclude that they have to be handled with kid gloves. Usually when people get to be older they have been put through quite a few life experiences and are able to handle quite a bit. Do they even know that you miss out on seeing your family because of the timing of their holiday meals? What a shame if no one says anything to anyone and this mind reading goes on for years and years. Start now to get in the habit of checking out the facts by talking out loud to others. Even if they are on the thin skinned side and will be embarrassed by their having mistaken the holiday situation, they will get over it. Grandparents love those grandkids and want to keep relations good so that they can continue to enjoy them. They will get over it. I don't necessarily agree that your husband has to be the one to bring it up. Of course I cannot speak for them, but for me it is insulting to be treated as though there is not a generous bone in my body. Stop treating them that way, call them up and explain to them exactly what you said in your letter and see if they don't come through with flying colors. Their first response should not be taken as their last. They may need some time to talk it over, so put it that way. Hey guys, this is the situation and I would like you to talk it over with each other and get back to me with what you think.

You can't possibly be fair to everyone and have a happy baby!!!! We learned after our first christmas together that sharing needs to happen! It took me getting sick that day because I tried to accommodate everyone to realize this, but our holidays are much better. My parents live 3 hours away, my brother lives 9 hours away, and the rest of both our families are here. My brother trades holidays with his in-laws. Thanksgiving is with one family one year, and Christmas is with the other family. The next year they switch. So, both families get to have them for one of the holidays every year. My parents come in every year because everyone else is here. I host EVERYTHING!!!! My kids have always enjoyed having the holidays at my house, and I happen to have the biggest house between all my brothers and in-laws. As we get older priorities changes, families get smaller, and bigger. My father-in-law used to have us over to his house so our kids could see his tree. We always did that after Christmas.

I cannot stress enough to make these transitions as smooth as possible. What I remember from my childhood Christmases was a lot of fighting on Christmas Eve, but having a lot of fun on Christmas. What my kids remember is having a lot of family time and fun on both days. That is priceless to me. My kids now come home for college and want all the traditions they grew up with. The sacrifices you make now will definitely pay off in the end! Good luck!

Everyone I know in a similar situation alternates holidays. My in-laws here in Illinois do Christmas Day and everyone makes sure to do the other families on Christmas Eve.

For my husband and I we do Thanksgiving in MI with my dad's family, every other Christmas between my family in SC and my husband's family here in Illinois. We see his family every Sunday between church services. I've thought maybe we could do every Christmas with my family in SC since we do every other holiday with his parents, but haven't brought it up yet.

There has to be a compromise that can be reached and for you to focus so much attention on his family really isn't fair in my opinion. Come up with a few compromises on paper and ask him to please pick one for fairness sake.

Holidays can be so stressful! We alternate visits every year for Thanksgiving. One year it's his family's turn, the next it's mine. On Christmas, his family is getting so big (he has 8 siblings!) that in order to get everyone together, we stopped celebrating on Christmas and are getting together this Saturday. It's easier for everyone. I would definitely suggest alternating years though, to make it fair for both of you. Good Luck!

We have an identical situation. My husband and I split up on Thanksgiving. I take the baby and travel 1.5 hrs to my side of the family while he hangs out with his side of the family. I usually leave early to mid afternoon from my parent's house and drive to my in law's house for the evening reheat and eat get together.

For Christmas, I am fortunate that we celebrate Christmas Eve evening with my side of the family and leave around 10pm so that we get home before Santa arrives. It is so nice driving around that time of night and seeing all the decorations. On Christmas we have a full day of festivities with my husband's side of the family. This side has a bunch of kids around my daughter's age. This year we are even planning for a Santa to arrive with some gifts for the little ones. It is not the tradition I had growing up nor is it for my husband, but it is time to make your own traditions. My side of the family also has a get together on Christmas day as well. We just skip that. People are mostly worn out on Christmas day anyway.

Talk to your family. Is it possible to shuffle a small celebration for Christmas Eve?

Hi D., In my own family all of us have gone through this dilemma of where to spend the holidays. This dilemma gets even more complicated once everyone starts having kids. The ultimate solution is to do every-other-year with each family. My siblings, cousins and in-laws all do this--it's really the only fair way to spend time with each family. Some years our gatherings are huge because it works out that everyone's year is with my maternal relatives, and some years we're alone with my husband's mother (he's an only child). Be persistent with your husband and express to him that this is the consequence of creating new families. Your plans will continue to change if you add more of your own children, etc. I will admit that during the early years when my siblings and I had only one child, my parents were still very demanding about spending time with them during the holidays--but they realized they had to make the transition too and let their children and grandchildren visit with other relatives. I know lots of families that have celebrations a week before or after a holiday for their "side" of the family. This can work, but people I know friends who do this get run ragged during these busy times. Holiday traditions will always evolve--it's the nature of creating new families. Accept it and peace comes easier.

Ah... the holiday debate. Nobody ever talks about how to handle this before you get married. Of course, there are a plethora of books about how to plan a wedding, but nothing really about the reality of the holidays! :)

After a couple of years of tension, we settled on this: if we spend Thanksgiving with one side of the family, the other person's family gets Christmas. Then, the following year, it flips.

One of the best bits of advice came from a dear friend of mine (with one sister, no nieces/nephews) and her husband with six siblings and multitudes of nieces and nephews. Decide upon something, tell your families and stick with it. It's nearly impossible to make everyone happy. In the words of Abraham Lincoln, you can make some people happy all of the time, all people some of the time, but you can't make all people happy all of the time.

This is the major thing that my husband and I always disagree about. My husband is from England and his family is still there so we always have to choose only one family to see on Christmas. I think there's three good options that have worked for us in the past. 1. Switch each year. (your mom's this year, his mom's next year) 2. Christmas Eve with one family, Christmas with the other OR 3. Make your own tradition now that you have a child. It's just about getting family together and I think it's only fair that you get to see your family on Christmas especially since you've gone to your husband's family for so long. You're amazing for putting up with that:) I feel that your husband's family should be flexible and maybe celebrate early Christmas day so you have the option to make both, or choose Christmas Eve or the day after Christmas.

Invite all to your home, if they would like to come. Tell them it is a potluck(not alot of extra cost for you). Tell them if they would like to come in PJ's, sweats and share a comfy holiday with you that would be great. Since you now have a family, it is your time for traditions. If they don't feel they can do that, suggest that a holiday away from home can done on a different day and you will be staying home.

You can tell you're not alone! We switch up Thanksgiving and Christmas and coordinate with my brother's family who needs to see his wife's parents - and we're all out of state! So - my brother's family and my husband/kids go to my parents on either Thanksgiving or Christmas so that we all can see one another for one major holiday; and on the holiday where we don't all get together, brother visits his inlaws and my parents visit us so that no one is alone. We've been doing this for 12 years. It's not natural at first but grows into a wonderful tradition for the kids.

This one is sooo obvious :) You should switch sides of the family every other year! My husband and I have 3 kids. Ever since our first was 3 months old, we have alternated his family with mine on Christmas and Thanksgiving. FYI, my husband's family includes his widowed mother and his single sister....that's it! When we're not there, there "is no party." However, just because he has a small family doesn't mean that my family should be punished and never see me or their grandchildren over the holidays! Good luck.

What we do in my family is have Thanksgiving with one family, and then Christmas with the other. Then the next year, we rotate that schedule.
Just realize that you are not going to be able to accomodate everyone, but this is the fairest way to go about it. We have been doing this the past seven years, and it has worked out well. We still do Christmas with both sides, but if it wasn't your turn for Christmas day, then we do it at a later date, or before.
We've coordinated this schedule with my sister and her husband, so we're all together on the same holidays and both with inlaws at the same time.
Good luck!

A long time ago I had the problem with a boyfriend we went to both houses. Now we have the problem with my brother and the ex wife and who gets to see them when.

I would set-up next year this year. His family babysits for you. They see the baby all the time. You have always give in to him and his family. When he married you he married your family also. I would try to set it up where a Christmas eve or a Christmas breakfast or brunch could be done. Even worse you have Christmas at your house next year. Is there anyway you could have everyone with you? Maybe even rent someplace so all could be together.

If it were me he could have a great time with his family while the baby and I was with mine.

I do know you can work it out. Really talk to the family on Christmas day. Tell your mother-in-law what you want next your for Christmas. Lay out a logical plan of action and talk to her about it. I know you can figure a positive delivery on nutreal ground.
I would work it out with both families.

You have been part of his family long enough to at least begin a discussion with his parents about how you are challenged by participating in both family holiday celebrations. I wouldnt be surprised if they are understanding & willing to change the time schedule. Perhaps you could get to their home early to allow you to leave early. Or have dinner at one home & desert at the other or trading off holidays. There are really many options.
I also depended on my husband to resolve this dilemma until I realized he just couldnt bring himself to do it (he's an only child).
Be assured many of us have had to juggle these complicated family issues & have succeeded. Approach your in-laws with love and honesty to enlist their help. They already support you by babysitting & I bet they have been where you are too.
I wish you a peace filled and enjoyable holiday.

I think it is time to start a rotation. This year at one parent's place and next year at the other. or at one's for thanksgiving and the others for christmas. For one of those you could invite your inlaws to your place and have the celebration there. good luck.

Dear D., I went though somewhat of the same issues when my son was a baby. We had to go to his family on Christmas Eve but they didn't start anything until 10:00 that night and we went over there and my son was about 8 months old and all he did was cry all the time we were there and all the way home. So we started hosting Christmas Eve for his family and then when my kids were little they could go to bed. What if you do that? Do Christmas Eve for his family at your house and then go Christmas Day to your family. We do that now and it works out pretty good. Sometimes tradtions have to change. Start a new one at your house Christmas Eve. Good Luck and Merry Christmas!

Hi, we've had such trouble with that in the past too! Especially when the kids came along! What we ended up doing ( at least for x-mas ) is my husbands family started scheduling christmas get together's on a different day, because it's just their immediate family, and my mom has extended family! So, maybe suggest to your husband that you would love to spend time with his family during the holidays but with a little one, its too difficult, and maybe you guys could do a pre or post x-mas celebration at your house? Good luck......

Trust me, this is a touchy subject for alot of people. My hubby and I used to split the holidays too, but once we had our daughter, it was impossible. Since you were with his parents on Turkey day, it's only fair to spend Christmas day with your parents. We do the same thing; whichever family you don't get to see on the actual holiday, you make plans to see them on the day before or after. With Christmas being on Thursday this year, it seems alot of companies are closed on the day after too. If this is your case, I would suggest seeing your inlaws on that day instead. You husband should realize this is best for the three of you; splitting the day would be exhausting for all three of you (trust me, I've done it)
Good luck and happy holidays! :) Let us know how it goes!!