Her First Period

I am a grandmother with nothing better to do than
"clean up their messes". Hopefully, you have communicated
your concerns to your mother and she understands your
fears. She likely does not want a full time child living
with her unless an emergency situation requires it. It
is good for your mother to get a full taste of what it
would be like to raise another child during this summer
visit. I think your chore list is very reasonable. You
are being a responsible parent by making these requirements. Maybe your daughter and son need a family meeting and you can explain that families are like a team
in which each have responsibilties that come with age.
When someone doesn't pull their load, others have to take
up the slack. Like Grandma is likely doing. Reason with
her. The games, computer, and tv are priviledges and
must be earned. Life is full of choices. I wish you
a lot of luck and discernment. If there is any yelling
involved, I would make a point to talk softly, almost a
whisper where she needs to try to hear your words. It
helps you keep your patience in control too. We can only
control ourselves and be a model to anyone watching.
It will get better. Stay tough and keep up your expectations. They will become great adults.

When your daughter comes home, take some time out to spend with her and her alone. Even if you two just sit and say nothing, just be with her. When she feels comfy, she will talk. Perhaps play a game together. Or color. Have her teach you how to play one of her video games. Don't be hard on yourself mom, it's the hormones. Remember when?

Blessings to you and yours.

My daughter, now 11, started her period at 9, a full year before most of her classmates. I am impressed that you recognize the signs, I had no idea at the time even though there were countless outbursts, mood swings, and the CRYING for weeks before the big event. The minute I wrapped my head aroung the facts, it became easy for me to comfort her, where before I was intolerant of her behavior.

It is apparant that you love her and want the best for her, but sounds a bit like the plan to stay with your Mother is something that is open to discussion. As a single parent, you are the decision-maker and turning her around may be as easy as listening to her and then confiding to her that this is indeed a weird time for both of you, and let her know how important it is for you to be together while she goes through so many changes. Does your Mother support you in this? My daughter, the most confident kid in the room, had self-worth and image issues that blew me away when we started talking! I know you haven't been "mean" and the fact that she says you have means that she isn't getting something from you that she needs. Make the effort to go see her during her visit with your Mom (if you can) or call if it's too far so that she knows you went out of your way to have this talk.

I told my Mom I hated her when I was 9, and she responded by saying "I hate you, too!" (still getting over that one) so when I heard it from my own child, I grabbed her and held her and told her that I did not care how she felt about me that I loved her more than myself and I would never stop, no matter how she felt or what she said. Maybe you just need to reconnect with your daughter. It wouldn't hurt if your Mom enforced the same rules/ chores on her while she is away! Good luck-
T.

I don't want to alarm you, but something else may be going on that she doesn't feel like she can say. It may be as simple as you say, and if it is, then she is just being moody as most kids are. You just keep your door and arms open to her in spite of whatever she does or says. But, I would watch for other signs. When is she moody? Before or after certain activities (cheer, for instance) every time? Around certain people? Certain topics? I guess I've heard too many stories about coaches, etc.

Wow, that is early for a period, one of my daughters started at 10, its a bummer. As far as her not coming home, of course she doesn't, she's at grammas, getting to be the queen, and it's not fair to you. All the chores, I definitely agree with, my children all do more chores than that. You are the mother and coming home or not coming home is not an option!! Going to stay with someone for a while is a privilege not something she can just make up her mind and do, she is not an adult, you are the adult and parent. Sounds like you are a great parent, just make sure she knows it and there are not any options with gramma.
Blessings,
D.

Don't fret. She will come around. All girls go through this in some form or another. Just understand that all kids want to stay with their grandparents. Kids don't understand that there would be rules and chores if they stayed there full time. I wouldn't worry about it. School starts soon and she will get back into her routine. She isn't old enough to make a choice yet as to where she gets to live, that is your and her Father's choice. God bless you and just remember that this too shall pass it just seems hard right now. CB

I remember when I was that age and how I treated my own mother. How I wanted to run away and life was sooo dramatic. Nothing was wrong, I was just a raging hormonal preteen. Also I started my period when I was 9. I bet grandma has spoiled her and lets her leave a mess and she gets to have fun and its very sweet and loving there. When she goes home its a taste of reality. I would have a little welcome home get together or let her have a slumber party, nails if she is into that, or let her pick out some earrings for school. Do a little something special when she gets back. But let her know that she needs to keep a clean room for health reasons. I find explaining things to kids even reasoning helps them out because they finally understand why they need to do something and your not just being bossy. Good luck and hang on tight these teen years can be emotional....remember?

Everyone seems to be giving good advice, the one thing that I wanted to say was - make her come home. If it is as you say and there is no other reason why she is not safe at home, then at the tender age of 9-10 she does not need to be the one making the decision to leave home. I think that too many parents take this route and the child thinks from then on that they are in charge. You somehow lose that "parental" control. I think most of us at that age wanted to get away - especially to our grandparents who usually gave us most anything we wanted! I know I spoil mine rotten. But at the end of the day it's what their parents say that goes. Be strong and remember that you are the mom - let her know that she can tell you anything, keep your eyes open - and you'll be fine.

You know, I don't have much to add to what everyone else is saying. My daughter is 12 now, she started her period a year ago and for a year prior to that, and for the last year, I have apparently been the worlds worst mum, so she has continually told me. I am sooo mean, so strict, so horrible. She wanted to leave, she wanted to stay, she screamed at me, she cried. But, just this past week she has changed again. I have heard 'I love you' more in the last week from her than in 2 years. Things aren't fantastic or rosy, hormones have and will rule this house - probably for several years to come. With hindsight though, I know now, I just have to hang in there, take a deep breath, be there when she needs a hug or, if she needs to shout at me. Things will turn around for you too. She may be 12, or 15 - you are the adult and you have to just wait. Then Gods gift is the menopause to help make things all better!!!!!

I have an 11 yr old son. From the time he was about 8 he started telling me that he hates me & does not want to live with me. He does this when he is upset for some reason. Like you, there are chores at home. We make him read & limit his video game time & family time is required. At his fathers & grandparents, He has no chores, they do it all for him. He can play video games all day and they pretty much just spoil him. We have definitely had our share of fights and I have spilled my share of tears. In the heat of the moment, I've learned to not even acknowledge him. I send him to his room & after a while, when we are both calm, I sit and talk to him. I have to explain why we do things and how in the long run it is in his best interest. He does not always understand or agree, but that is okay. I understand the hurt and pain you must be going through. AND I agree with most of the comments that have been given here. Coming home is NOT an option. Tell her that you are her mother and that it hurts your feelings that she does not want to come home, but it is not up for debate and you guys can talk about it more after she is home. Spend some quality time with her. STRESS to her that you are doing your best to raise her to be a productive young lady ask her how she feels and then just listen.
GOOD LUCK

Lynda,
My daughter is going through something more mild. She is ten, is getting very moody, her dad and I are seperated and she has mentioned going to live with him. She say's I'm mean sometimes and she misses her daddy.
I'm sorry, I don't have any solutions for either of us ~ but what I have had to do is to put it in God's hands and have trust. I do day to day and hope I am making the right choices.
I hope your daughter's dad is incouraging her to come home to you ~ that's important.
I wish you and your daughter luck ~ these are tough times in a girls life.
God bless, you are in my prayers.
D.