Help...separation, divorce...how To Talk to a 4 1/2 Year Old?

My husband and I have done this a couple of times. We are very different types of people so the break really helped us decide we really wanted to be together. If he decides to not come back home then it was pretty inevitable that it would have ended the same way anyway. It would just have been way more long and drawn out.

I think he should tell the kiddo why he is moving out and let you tell the kido you don't want daddy to go but he needs a break.

I think you put it in very simple, 4 year old terms....Daddy is going to live _____, but he will call you every day and see you every ______. The why becomes much harder because how do you explain all the adult emotions to a child...Again simple is best - sometimes adults want to be by themselves. Let's be honest - your son is not going to understand why Daddy is not living with him anymore. It really sucks. You just need to double up on the love and reassurance and make some kind of plan with your husband so he keeps in daily, regular contact with his son.

Also, on the subject of making plans - what about finances? Is he staying with friends, renting an apartment? What does this do to your household budget? Can you support yourself and your son on your income alone? Do you have joint bank accounts? I know this is something that you probably don't want to think about, but you need to protect yourself, and your son, financially during this separation.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. Stay strong.

God Bless

He already knows. Kids hear a lot more than you think they do. He knows there is trouble in the marriage and he knows daddy cheated, he doesn't understand what that means but he knows Mommy cries and is sad.

Personally for me, cheating is a no compromise situation. Any person in a commited relationship who cheats doesn't love his/her partner and doesn't care if they exposed them to an incurrable disease or a deadly disease. Yes your hubby probably wants out, so what he cheated, he lied, he broke your trust. Why would you want to stay whith him?

I would tell my husband that we will sit down as a family and he will be the talker. He will explain it all....

Put the man in a place to feel guilt, shame, remorse, pain, while looking his little boy in the face. He is ruining your son's family by his selfishness.

My dad left without saying a word..my mom had to do all the talking. It was devastating then... and it still has ripped my family apart.

My mother heart aches for you and what you are going through as a wife and a mother. I am soooo sorry. I now look back through the eyes as an adult and my heart aches for what my mom went through. At the time I only looked at it from a child's perspective.

Be strong for your little boy. Love him up and down...fill his days with joy even though your heart is breaking.

Good luck and best wishes!!

Hi KL,

I'm sorry that you are going through this - my heart goes out to you.

I like the advice from Lesley B - keep it simple and tell your son what is going to happen and nothing more.
And remember that you will have to repeat it 8 million times. That's ok - just ALWAYS give him the same answer and he will learn that you are consistent.

One note - please try to find a way that you can work this separation to YOUR advantage. That will make you less resentful (and I know it's hard to do, but it may make or break the separation for YOU). What is it that YOU have wanted to do that you haven't been able to do while you were married / in the last year / since having your son? Join a group, paint the house, travel to wineries, get some girlfriends, start a cookie baking business. Whatever it is that will start to make YOU fulfilled REGARDLESS of what your husband does. If he sees that you are happy WITHOUT HIM, it will do more to fix your marriage because he will want to be a part of the you that is happy?????

I'm not sure if you are still seeing a counselor - but I would set some parameters for the separation.... what does HE want to accomplish during the separation? What do YOU want to accomplish during the separation (for ONLY you.... let him worry about him). How often will he see his son? How often will you see each other? what about money? Will you see other people? When and how will you talk about where you go from there. Don't just have him move out with no plan.

hugs to you and your son and your husband that you find peace.

Ouch! I feel your pain. I'm going through the exact same thing right now. My husband moved out last February. Our twins are 13 and they took it pretty hard at first but they're actually coping pretty well now all things considered. I still think working it out would be ideal, but I guess what the almost year of separation has done for me is shown me that I can survive as a single mom if I have to. Obviously that's not my first choice, but the separation has made all his flaws even MORE apparent, and the longer it goes on, the more I ask myself, "do I really WANT him back?" We did counseling too... TONS of it, and ended up right where you are.

I made my HUSBAND explain the separation. I felt like the choice was his so he had to be the one to do the dirty work. He told the kids that sometimes grownups need space to deal with their problems and gain perspective and that it was temporary. It all sounded like b.s. to me but that's how it went down. A few days later one of the kids asked me "what did dad do that was so bad you made him leave?" and of course I immediately set the record straight, that he did do something bad (I didn't say what) but the leaving was HIS idea and HIS choice and that I BEGGED him to reconsider. No way am I coming out the bad guy in this! I'll protect his reputation in case there's a chance of reconciliation, but I'm not taking the blame! I told them that Dad and I were raised differently, with different beliefs and I didn't think the choices he was making were right or wise, but that we needed to let him figure it out on his own the hard way. I just hope he does.

I'm sending a prayer your way KL, I know this is really rough! Hang in there.

I can tell you how my young son explained it to me. He kept it very simple and to the point. I know it is best for you and dad to separate because I see you fighting. He was 4 at the time and I thought that was a very intelligent explanation from a young child. We go out of our way to make sure that he feels loved and he has his own place set up at mom and dad's house. He feels needed and wanted and both places. Very simple answer and very direct. Too much info can lead to many unanswered questions. Ask him how he feels and ask him about his questions. Just because mommy and daddy are not together he can still grow in a prosperous way. Don't make him feel like he needs to choose between you.

I'm so sorry that marriage counselling didn't work for u guys. I was lucky that we found a therapist trained in "Imago Therapy" that helped us tremendously after my hubby's affair. Before then, though, I told my hubby that if he wanted to move out, we'd tell the kids that daddy had to go away on a business trip. I'd expect him to call every night (as if he was really away on a business trip). My thinking at the time was that there was no need to put the kids trough that trauma until we were SURE we'd divorce. It was easier for me cos he'd been away on business trips before so it wasn't a big deal for the kids. However, should your hubby not be willing to go along with that, you should both calmly tell your child that "Mom & Dad need to be in separate houses for a while but that you BOTH love him very much and he'll still get to spend time with both of you. PLEASE clearly explain to him that he is not the reason for Daddy moving out. As a child of divorced parents I can tell you with 100% certainty that your kid WILL think the separation or divorce IS HIS fault unless you KEEP reassuring him that it's not. Please also both of you need to remember that your child is half you and half his dad so any "trash talk" WILL hurt him. Despite your own pain, the most loving thing you can do for your child is to NEVER talk badly about your hubby to him, around him or to anyone who might repeat it! Best wishes to you all. I really hope that things will work out for the best.

I would set up a schedule PRIOR to him moving out so that your son has some security in knowing when he is with you and when he is w/ daddy. I would stress a routine and make sure that your husband is committed to this being a priority.

I hope that you have also talked to an attorney.... b/c it does sound like your hubby is easing you into the idea of his leaving. You need to protect yourself and your son ASAP.

First, I am so sorry for the pain you must be feeling with this betrayal! My heart goes out to you. You are a very strong woman, and I can tell you are a loving mother, so I must reassure you that you will be fine! You will find happiness like never before! Not in other men... Well, maybe your lil' man (I know your son must make you so happy every time you look at him each day)! You will be joyful! Trust in God above all things. Pray for comfort and wisdom. As for your lil' guy, he's smart, so it's important to discuss the changes that are coming. Kids are way smarter than people give them credit for: my 18 month old knows everything we say and he barely can say too much of anything! Your son knows what's going on, just make sure he knows it's not because of him...