Help.Need Relationship Advice and I'm Too Humiliated and Sad to Talk to My Mom.

I dated a guy like that for almost 10 years. What a waste of my time and life.

Relationships that are meant to be are not that hard. End of story. You deserve better.

I think you've done the right thing. He is being inconsiderate and disrespectful, something that will just get worse.
It is better to end it now , then after the invites have been sent - or worse after the wedding.
Good luck.
There is a lovely man out there just waiting to meet you !!!

Doesn't look like he changed does it? If he "forgot" to come home or call yet his sister knew what he was doing that tells you all you need to know. Send him a text and say that if he doesn't pick up his stuff by a certain date then its going to Good Will. Either you accept it or you don't. He is NOT going to change. The choice is yours. You get treated how you allow people to treat you.

If you have to have a man that you can control all the time, this guy obviously isnt it. If he's a hard working guy and loves you and isnt a cheater, you might have to put up with wierd hours that are related to work.
If you think he's cheating and it causes fights between you two when he doesnt come home on time, I'm sure you are making both of you miserable with your worries and accusations and neither of you deserve that. Let him go. You don't have to tell your mom everything going on in your life.... spare her the details, it's selfish to make your mom worry about you all the time.
He's not the kind of guy that feels he needs to check in with you, maybe he would if he wasnt receiving the thrid degree when he calls? I dont know your situation but if this has been an issue for you for the last 6 years I dont think you should marry him, he wont change. Remember: the only person you can change is yourself.

your first mistake was to be 'excited and optimistic that he had changed.'
why? because he proposed?
that's not an indication of a change in his attitude toward you.
you need to decide what behavior is REALLY a deal-breaker for you. if the lateness and not calling is annoying to you but you know in your heart that he loves you and that he's just a twit, not someone who disregards and minimalizes you, then figure out how to live with it. he might improve some, but expecting that he'll magically alter when you get engaged or married is just setting yourself up for heartbreak.
if this behavior is part of a larger pattern of being dismissive of you, then be grateful that you are ending an engagement, not a marriage. mourn it, learn from it, and move on.
khairete
S.

I broke off an engagement 4 months before the wedding. Every deposit was paid, most of the details were decided. I'd finally had enough. He would come home late, really late, with no explanation of where he was or who he was with. He'd claim to be going to work for "inventory" at his store (he was a produce manager in a grocery store) overnight, although they got a new truck every day and really didn't have anything to "inventory" overnight. There were just so many times that he'd give me an excuse and I was dumb enough to convince myself he was telling the truth. Well, I finally had enough after he was out really late. I called a friend to come to my house and told her I was going to break it off as soon as he came home. I wanted her there for support, but not to interfere. He came home in the wee hours and I told him he was leaving and he needed to start packing. We loaded everything into his truck and he left. Honestly, I still doubted my decision for about 6 months...did I do the right thing?

I know I did the right thing and I now have been married for over 11 years to a wonderful man that treats me the way I should be treated. I have a relationship with honesty and trust.

The ex recenlty sent me a friend request on Facebook. I didn't accept it. He then sent me a message a few weeks later apologizing for being such a jerk, admitting that he was a liar and a cheater. He is different now, not that I trust him anyway.

You know what you need to do. Listen to that little voice. It will be difficult, but as my husband says "it will be greater later".

Good luck and I'm sorry you are going through this.

Honestly, if you're feeling this way now, don't marry him. It's a lot easier to break an engagement than get divorced. You know in your head and your heart that the two of you are nor right for each other. There are men out there that call you back, come home when they say they are going to, and will treat you with way more respect. Go find one of those men, I'm sure you deserve it!

You should NOT be humiliated over HIS behavior.

You've made a step in the right direction by breaking it off. It's now time for you to get on the road to a healthy relationship - one where he respects you and loves you enough to call if he's going to be late, not coming home, etc.

DO NOT GO BACK! No matter how much he begs or pleads - you have a six (SIX YEAR!!) track record - he slips back into the same pattern. you allow him to do this so he THINKS it's okay.

DO NOT put the deposit on the venue!! Stick to your guns, stand up straight and proud and know that you didn't get sucked into it or him. It's OKAY to break off an engagement. While I don't think it's okay to text him it's off - it's OKAY to break it off, especially when you gut is talking to you!!

Now, about your mom - you need to tell her to STOP with the "I told you so" and tell her you NEED her - not her condescending attitude!! She's YOUR MOTHER not some miscreant off the street!!

DO NOT LET PEOPLE TREAT YOU POORLY! YOU ARE A GOOD W.!! YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS!!!! DO NOT BE SOMEONE'S DOOR MAT AND CERTAINLY DO NOT LET SOMEONE TREAT YOU ANY WAY YOU WOULD NOT TREAT THEM!!!

Do NOT try and work it out with him. he's had 6 years to grow up. You DESERVE BETTER!!!

worked out and can talk? sounds like thats what you've been doing for the last 6 years! i broke my engagement because it didnt feel right in the deepest most honest part of me. hes so busy doing what that he cant call for 4 hours? dont kid yourself, and dont think it will get better, if anything it will only get worse, and you dont want to talk to you mom cause youre afraid of another 'i told you so...' then you have your answer right there.

Oh honey,

The boy hasn't changed and I think you know that. You deserve SO much better and that is all your mom wants for you. It pains me to say this, but looking back to my younger years (I'm 56 now!), my mom has always been right. ALWAYS! I'm guessing you don't have children yet? But if you do, you know that you love your children like nobody else ever will. And you only want them to be happy and healthy. And that is what your mom wants for you. And she knows this guy is not good enough for her little girl.

I just went through this with my own daughter. She didn't talk to me for 2 weeks because I had the nerve to ask her how long she was going to put up with the mistreatment of the guy she was currently seeing. To make a long story short, after months of it, she finally dumped him. I would love to say something along the lines of "see, you should have listened to me!" but I never will. She has to learn for herself as do you.

She just wants the best for you that's all. And he is NOT the best. Please be strong and don't take him back. You really do deserve a man, not a boy and that's what this guy sounds like.

If this was the 1st or 2nd time, I would think there is opportunity to change and set your expections. 6 years of this going on and off again, time to move on. Easier said than done, but you are only committing to a miserable life. Things get "harder" the longer you are together. Work will strain on you, kids will demand you, if things are rocky now, they are only going to get worse.

What is that old saying? The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior...

I think you put this out here because you know in your gut what you "should" do. If he has treated you like this for this long, this is it! This is all he's willing to give. The question is: Is it what you're willing to settle for?

I think you should end it! Pull the rug out from under him & see what happens... If you really want to be with him, end it and see if he comes around. He is likely sure that "it'll blow over" because it always does. If you don't make him respect you he wont. I speak from experience.

I had a bf on and off, it seemed as soon as things got really good and we were close he would back off. He had issues due to a past divorce and was afraid of getting hurt. (we all are) Anyway one day I said "fine, you want this & I want that. It's obviously not the same. I wouldn't ask you to do something you don't want to do and I'm not willing to settle for something I don't want ... so see ya" Best decision I ever made! I was quaking in my boots, but you'd never know it from the confidence in my voice!

He figured out he couldn't live without me. =)

Tammy, girl, what does this tell you? You wrote out ALL the problems...DONT DO IT!!! Get on with your life....

M:)

Not to be mean, but I agree with your mom. Sometimes moms really are right, even though we don't like to admit it. If there's an "I told you so" coming, maybe you should listen to the advice she's given you in the past. Good luck.

I am so sorry, sweetie that you are hurting. To give you advice, I would probably need a few more pieces of the puzzle but from the info you have provided, I'm guessing you are in one of those roller coaster relationships that when they are good they are very, very good and when they are bad they are horrid. I'm guessing that because those relationships used to be my specialty. Sometimes, especially if we have a lot of drama growing up, we actually gravitate towards relationships with extreme highs and lows. Sometimes its hard to sort out whether it is his actions, your reactions, or the combination that creates the ups and downs. Your text was correct though - we aren't meant to live with the emotional stress of this forever - it will impact all of your relationships, (just like right now you feel like you can't talk to your mom), your work, your peace of mind, your health. Over time it will change your personality. You are young - you probably don't feel like you are, you probably feel like you have 6 years invested in this relationship and you are probably feeling the biological clock of wanting to be married, wanting to have children. When you look back on this though, you will realize that you were so young and had so many options. If its not right, the years just keep ticking by and every year you feel like, I don't have time to start over. You do have time. My daughter met and married a really terrific guy where the combination of their personalities made for a peacefully happy existence after 10 years in a different up and down relationship - she was older than you and they are now planning pregnancy. And I stayed in my volatile relationship and had years and years of therapy to change my reactions so that I have a peaceful live, although I did miss out on certain other aspects, like more children. (Which BTW, there is no earthly reason that any woman has to miss out on being a mom in this day and age, so put any worries of that aside. One way or another, you have plenty, plenty of years left to be a mom.) So, anyway, whether you stay with this guy or not, there are ways to emotionally stabilize. Now, I'll tell you, I hear you blaming yourself for a guy that didn't bother to call, text, or email when he was 4 hours late. It is perfectly acceptable for you to expect a call, text or email in that situation. Your reaction to that circumstance, though demonstrates a lot of insecurity and lack of trust. That insecurity might come from the way this guy has treated you, it might come from the baggage you brought with you to the relationship, or both. Probably, I'm guessing here, it's both. Get into therapy and work on getting yourself to a better place. Working on yourself is something you can control. You need to be a person that expects and confidently knows they deserve a call when someone is 4 hours late and you also need to be a person who doesn't choose the emotional fatalism of "well, it's all over then" when the circumstance happens. Get a journal and start writing your thoughts down - not to be shared with anyone except yourself. You need to sort out what you want from life and whether this guy is the right guy or not. You need to be able to take life's curves without losing a basic sense of happiness, or peacefulness or satisfaction with yourself. There is plenty of time to find a venue. In fact, the venue doesn't matter, the rest of your life matters. You are lost in what you are feeling right now, the hurt of his actions, the embarassment of your reaction, the curve it has thrown at wedding planning, the further insecurity of what's going to happen next - will the roller coaster go up or down next? Don't think about that - none of that matters. Push those thought out of your mind. Whatever happens next, your next steps are the same - to work on what you can control - yourself. If he comes back, you still need to work on yourself. If he doesn't come back, you still need to work on yourself. Make a call to a therapist today. Take a couple of days, start writing in a journal to prepare for your therapist visit. He's probably as addicted to this roller coaster ride as you are, his stuff is at your house, one way or another, you're going to see him again. In the meantime, take action to build your self confidence and take action to start sorting out what you want. Just take care of you, make that your job right now, to take care of you.

Well the way I see it is you only have a couple of options. One, you can just accept that this is the way he is. Scatter brained, loses track of time, tells you what you want to hear to get out of the house and then just stays out, whatever the case is. My hubs doesn't go out with the fellas much, but when he does, even though I know he says he'll be back by 11, it will really be like 2 or so. He is a talker and they get to having fun...so there you go. Doesn't bother me. What I ask him to do is to shoot me a text periodically just so I know he's alright and to shoot me a text on his way home, which usually I am asleep, but on the off chance I'm not, then I want to know. So that is one option. But if you feel that he is being very thoughtless toward you and he is gone a lot, which is kind of what it sounds like, then you will probably have to break things off bc people just don't change much. A little bit over time, but if he is this way now, he will be this way a year from now most likely. If this is deal breaker stuff for you, let the relationship go, it is way to draining. If you feel like you have to compete for his attention, that is not a good thing. But if this is an occasional thing and most of the time he calls, comes home etc, in my opinion it isn't a big deal. It all depends to me on what you can live with and if you are his top priority. A woman knows if she is the top of her man's list or not. So those are my thoughts about this, it is a big deal to break an engagement, but not as much as to break a marriage. I wish you well in figuring this out.

As others have said, you know in your heart that ending this relationship is the best thing for you. Embarrassment over a broken engagement is temporary, marriage to someone who causes you so much distress is permanent (or will result in an even more heart-wrenching divorce). Take care of yourself and let this man go. There is a much better future in store for you!

At a minimum, you should expect to be treated how you treat him. Would you ever do this to him?

I would be more concerned about the fact that he hasn't contacted you and is "working" than anything else. Sounds to me like he knows you are going to change your mind and come back to him...OR he just doesn't care.
You need to sit down with him and have a calm, clear headed talk ( make notes to keep on track if you need to...I tend to "wander off point" when I am talking about something I am emotionally involved in) and the two of you need to come to some sort of decision NOW!!!
My oldest daughter was "madly in love" when she was 19 years old and a college student. We had many MANY misgivings about this young man but she was determined to marry him. The day AFTER we mailed out the wedding invitations....she broke up with him!!! We had purchased the dress, the flowers, arranged for a photographer...everything....but what was most important to us (after the dust settled...lol) was that she had avoided making a really horribly mistake and it is MUCH easier to break an engagement than it is to end a marriage.
Go to your Mom...let her be there for you...don't let your pride stand in the way of making a good decision .

Your mother will say "I told you so." I suggest that your instincts are good and that you shouldn't try talking with her until you're clear about what is going on.

I've been in similar situations with men who don't show and don't call, arrive late, etc. I finally decided that this was a deal breaker for me. That sort of behavior is disrespectful and abusive when they know how much it upsets you. I also discovered that I was causing some of this behavior by being too dependent and demanding. I tried working thru my issues and their issues with each man and was unable to do so. I discovered, once I felt more sure of myself that I didn't need a man who was so inconsiderate of my feelings.

I urge you to get some counseling so that you can become more confident in yourself. When you're feeling secure and self-confident this sort of behavior will upset you less. Your boyfriend may react by being less of a flake but then again he may be inconsiderate of your feelings even when you're less needy.

Above all, do not marry him until you get this worked out. It will only get worse.

As much as it hurts you should go with your gut. Something is not right and your gut it telling you this. If things are not good now, it will only get worse after marriage. You deserve to be with a man who makes you feel secure and does not cause you to have these gut reactions to begin with!

How are you doing? I agree with the other ladies that this is a pattern of disrespect; but ultimatly it is your decision.

-

If this behavior is something he knows really bothers you and he still does it then you need to draw the line. I had an ex that would walk out and leave everytime we got into a argument. I told him if he did it again then that was it. He did and that was it. I never talked to him again. So his coming home late 4 hours is routine for him then you did right. Cheer up the right man will come along. I met my husband the year after my ex walked out for the last time and before I met my husband I felt hopeless and that I would never meet a good guy but I stuck to my guns and God rewarded me. Don't compromise your self worth to be with anyone. Marry someone who respects you. Good Luck.

Sweetie - get out now! There is a lack of respect in the relationship and that will not change. A small amount of humiliation now is much better than a divorce later. I have seen it way too many times and I wish I had spoken up for some of my friends when I should have. Delivering the harsh reality is not fun, but it is so much better than the alternative.
Your mother should respect you for your decision and support you. Any mother who tells you "I told you so" is not a great parent- she may think it, but she sure as heck should not say it!
My step-daughter recently left her boyfriend of 4 years. I could not stand him. She knew it. I was soooo impressed by her when she stood her ground and left him and believe me, there was not a glimmer of an "I told you so" in my mind. Just so happy she was moving on with her life to something better and focusing on herself.
Put yourself first and you will never go wrong! Best of luck to you.

..."Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option”

Start focusing on you. Love & Peace to you, B.

PS I LOVE Shauna's response!

Sounds to me like you are not a priority to him and not even respected enough for common courtesy. Do you really want to marry someone who feels that way about you? Time to move on.

Don't be afraid of a little humiliation be afraid of marrying a selfish man. A selfish man doesn't change when a kid come into the picture. He gets worse.

I was engaged to a guy for 2 years before we broke it off. We even had an engagement party. Once we stopped fooling ourselves and broke it off, I called all those people who bought us gifts to personally explain and offer the gifts back. Talk about humiliation! I lived though it just fine. So glad I didn't marry him. I met my husband a year later and boy what a blessing it is to be married to a good man!

Free yourself from this burden. Just start the conversation with your mom with "Mom, you were right..."

I think you're doing the right thing by leaving your mom out of it. Do that in the future, too, because I learned the hard way that you forget to tell her the good things and only tell the bad, and then she ends up hating your man. Just tell her when you've got everything figured out.

And don't be afraid of breaking an engagement. Better now than later. WAY better!

i didn't read your entire thing - i have one thing to say ..... go with what your heart is telling you ..... if you are here asking - girlfriend, you already know the answer!!! As painful as it may be - or a pain in the butt (who cares - this is YOUR life) .....follow your heart and i wish you all the best ...

Yes, I have. We had actually bought a house together and we were 3 months away from getting married when I realized that neither of us were truly happy. We amazingly ended it amicably both agreeing that a marriage is something you should go into wholeheartedly KNOWING that you will last.

Fast forward and I met a new man, we started dating - he had issues. I broke up with him. He got help to fix those issues. We started dating again. Things were good, he asked me to marry him, I said yes. BUT, in the back of my mind, I knew things weren't right (there were many things to tell me this that would be too long for this post), but I feared that because I had broke off an engagement previously, perhaps it was just me being afraid. So, I married him even though in the deepest corners of my mind, I knew it wouldn't last. I knew that his issues (alcohol issues being one) and our differences wouldn't be able to be fixed. We divorced 3 1/2 years later.

This was a huge lesson for me and one I would never repeat again. I set out to learn who I was, what I wanted for life, what I wanted out of a partner, what I wanted to give to that partner, how I wanted to live my life with a partner. After 2 years of not dating, I felt sure that I knew myself and knew what I wanted out of a partner and prayed/manifested to find this person.

Time went by and I got a call from my best friend to take a "trip of a lifetime" with her at the last minute, but I didn't have the money and didn't want to put it on credit so I declined. That very weekend, the day I would have left for the trip, I met my now husband.

The world works in mysterious ways. I loved my first husband very much. He was a good soul with lots of potential, but I had to learn to find the man who had found his own potential and not try to be the person to "fix" someone else because I saw potential (that was his parents' job). It's okay to love someone and yourself so much that you do the right thing and call off the wedding. Perhaps someday, you will end up together when you're both ready. And, perhaps, someday, you'll both find better matches in another partner. Either way, if you're not 100% certain - don't go through with the marriage.

Best of luck,
S.

Dear M.,

I hesitate to give anyone relationship "advice" but I am a Certified Life Coach and I have been with my husband for 17 years. First of all, breathe and quiet your mind, listen to your gut and ask yourself what your intuition says about the situation. There is nothing wrong with taking your time to make this life long decision! The pit in your stomach is your body's way of holding up a red flag. This doesn't mean you should or shouldn't get married, it just means take pause, maybe post-pone the date until you can gain some clarity.

The only other info that I would like to share with you, without all of the info, is that it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks about you calling off or post-poning this marriage. You are the only one that will need to live out this relationship day in and day out for the rest of your life.

Marriage is hard work and offers great rewards, but it sounds like you and your fiance could benefit from some pre-marriage councel if you are open to it. Start with a book I wish I had before I got married, "Getting the Love You Want: A Guide for Couples" by Harville Hendrix.

I broke off an engagement year's ago and met my hubby the same week :)

Warmly,

S.
www.inalignmentcoaching.com

I called off an engagement. I was with the guy for 3 years and I loved him so much it was actually unhealthy. I began avoiding my family (we are very close) because I knew they didn't think he was right for me. When it finally clicked with me, we were actually doing really well and it was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I still loved him and it hurt for a long time. Deep down I knew I was right. Then I met my husband.
Why are still with a guy with whom you have been on and off with for 6 years? Why do you keep going back?? Because it is easier than starting over? Just because you love him does not mean he is your soul mate. He may be the perfect guy, for someone else and your prince may be just around the corner.

Premarital counseling is really needed.....you two need to learn how to communicate.

Do you know what you need to do yet?! Re-read what you posted to all of us and then re-read the "So What Happened" recap you posted for us. But do it as if you are reading a friends letter to you. What would you tell her to do? Would you honestly tell her to stay with this guy and try to work things out after a 6 YEAR pattern of disrespectful behavior? I should hope not.

It is not going to be easy to leave. You have been in a relationship for 6 years - enough to have a "comfortable" way of life. I know, I have been here before. But start to imagine life on your own - the excitement of it all, the possibility to travel to some place new, the possibility of truly meeting a great guy. Let this consume you. Soon you will have the strength in you to tell this guy enough is enough and to just leave. But please do not take the rash step of marrying this guy - divorce is much worse and much harder to do.

If you are worried about what your mom will say to you, don't. You need her. Tell her you do not need her "I told you so" attitude - you need a mom who loves you unconditionally that will hug you and tell you that she loves you no matter what. Tell her what you need from her!! You might be surprised at the strength you can derive from her.

Personally, I do not like the sound of this guy. His behavior leads me to believe that he is cheating on you, not working late. You deserve better for yourself. You just have to remember what it is you deserve and what it is you want and then not be afraid to stand up for it!! This is your life.

I will share with you what I share with my best friend. The dating time is the "happy" time. The engagement, stressful, however still pretty blissfull. You don't need to settle. Marriage is difficult. Life is challenging. you need a full partner who will be concerned with your safety and happiness. People don't change, they mature. Some don't. Think long and hard and give yourself time to really think 10 years through and see yourself at home with children. what kind of life and partner do you want..it can happen, just not sure that your faith in this partnership is solid enough to stand the test of time and you can't be the only on that sacrifices...

Good luck, be happy and marriage is for life...make it a happy one :)

When you are in love its so hard to take a step back and see what everyone else sees. I almost married a man that I would have ended up unhappy with. I gave it to God and asked him to bring about circumstances so I could end the relationship. I was too attached to do it on my own. I thank God every day I did not marry this man. My husband also was caught up in a relationship with a neurotic girl who made him miserable. His family was so fed up with her and would have been so sad if he had married her. He cringes when he considers what his life would have been like with her. We both dodged bullets with prayer, Gods help, and intervention. I suggest you get on your knees and ask for wisdom, clarity, and the strength to do what needs to be done.
I am going to dispel a common myth: Marriage is NOT hard IF you marry the right person. Don't buy that marriage is hard. If its hard while your are dating, it will be harder when you are married. Good marriages are not hard work. If they were, no one would marry.

So go waste another 6 years on this loser and you'll do your childbearing years in. Love isn't what he's giving you. He's an egotistical B-----d.
YOU CANNOT GET THIS WORKED OUT. HE IS NOT WORKING AT A RELATIONSHIP. You are just a convenience item for him.

Break this off, but next time no live with someone until you are married.

My sis in law recently had her engagement broken off -- by the guy, not her. She was and still is absolutely humiliated. It is a terrible ordeal, and I am sorry to hear about your troubles.

Give it a day or two more, allow him and you to mull it over. To be honest, if you are sending texts about such an important day, this could be a sign that both of you are not yet ready to deal with the serious and LIVE communication, face to face, that comes with marriage. And believe you me, I love to text more than anyone, and often I will do so about all sorts of things, even serious, so I am not passing judgement here. However, the fact that you texted and neither of you followed up yet with a phone call or face to face talk, to me, IMHO, is a possible sign that you are not yet ready for marriage...and that is OK! It is perfectly alright to take a step back, even after you've declared to the world your engagement, and say that both of you need time.

I would cancel you deposit appointment for now...it can wait, really! And focus on the issues at hand. After you and your man talk face to face, try to come up with what the main issue/issues are. It is also perfectly alright to NOT talk to you mom about this...at some point in life mother does not need to know all. Especially when it comes to marriage, it may help to get a more objective view and see a counselor.

Hang in there! Sometimes love and marriage is a touch and go process but you are not alone...keep your head up. Good luck.