My Fiance Sleeps over at His Friends Every Day off He Has and I Have

Do you live together? Adults don't need to do sleep overs when they have a partner and family at home. I would question whether or not this was the right man for me and my son to be honest. And if his "friend" is female (or you have never seen/met/spoken to said friend) then this is a huge red flag. Not that people of opposite genders can not be good close friends, but if you are in a committed relationship then sleep overs become inappropriate.

Sorry he does put his friends over you. And he is giving you a gift: you are not married to him now,nor stuck in a situation where a divorce would have to happen.Think very carefully if you want to spend a lifetime with another emotionally unavailable person.

Please consider seeing a counsellor to help you heal from your past relationship.

I was in a bad marriage for several years. I didn't want to fail and stayed in it until I was empty. I knew I never wanted to repeat the mistakes I made. It required me to look deeply at the reasons why I made my decisions and to put a plan in place to keep it from ever happening again. It was very hard work, but in my opinion, very necessary. One of the things I did was compile a list of what qualities I would require a man to have before I would invest emotionally. I decided if those qualities weren't there, I wouldn't settle...ever.

I think your boyfriend's priorities are off. Your son deserves a strong mom and a happy home. Being alone is a lot easier than being with someone who isn't treating you or your son with the importance you both deserve.

Please think about working through your past relationships before committing to another.

Kitten.

Welcome to mamapedia - it must be spring break.

DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY.

Grow up. Do this on your own. He's NOT being good to you if he chooses a friend over you.

Please. Red flags are all over the place. Change the locks and tell him to stay at his friends.

While he isn't your ex - you either trust him or you don't. If this was MY situation?? I would boot his butt to the curb. Not accept any excuses and move on. Get counseling. You need it. YOU NEED TO BE CONFIDENT IN YOU. YOU NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOUR SON....

Just my honest thoughts here ..

I think if you have to have a long engagement in order to get over what your ex did to you - then you're not over what your ex did to you. In my opinion, you shouldn't have gotten engaged.

That being said. Is this guy coming across as really good to you and your son just because you're comparing him to the last guy? If we come from a crappy relationship (I've been there) almost anything seems better.

My thought? You deserve more than this though. It may be an improvement, but you still sound disappointed and let down by this guy. You do not sound like a priority in his life.

I would not rush to get married and I would think about being on my own for a while so you can figure out what you and your son need and deserve, and then decide if this guy fits your life.

Are you sure your fiancé is not gay? This happen to a friend of mine and finally her husband admitted he was gay and had a boyfriend. In any event, you are not your fiancé's priority. Once you are married things would likely get worse. Don't marry him!

Whoa, if it is this bad now, marriage is the last thing you should be considering. No matter what is going on over at his friends, it is clear you and your son are not his top priority.

It sounds like this is good information to consider before getting married.

If it were me, I'd realize that this is who he is. Choosing to be unreliable and not sticking around. I think it was wise to wait-- it sounds like you may have some things to work through regarding your past relationship with your son's father. Have you talked to a counselor? I strongly suggest this, if you haven't. After my divorce from my ex, it was good for me to sort of unpack that with a counselor, see what parts of the failure of the relationship were mine, what parts were his, and what it was inside of me which compelled me to seek out a relationship with such a person. What were my unmet needs which I was trying to have filled by him? This exploration resulted in my being much better prepared for the relationship I have with my husband today.

I know other people are going to tell you this and it's true-- right now, your focus should be on healing yourself and creating a stable environment for your son. I would caution you that the example your boyfriend is currently setting would be detrimental to your son, long term. This isn't like your boyfriend is going into another room to sleep because of your different shifts-- he's leaving the house entirely. That's only recreating any abandonment issues you or your son may have. I'll also say, as an observer, that I have seen people close to me in my life put their boyfriends (usually immature and unwilling to be a step-parent) before their children, with sad and devastating results. I feel so heartbroken for these children that their mothers felt the security of the child was worth less than their own sense of romantic 'security'. Let's be clear, I am not saying that this is what you are doing, but if you aren't careful, it could be what you do 'by accident', even with the best intentions.

In short, it wouldn't hurt to cool things down with a person who isn't showing stability and long-term interest in co-parenting. If he gets upset, consider couples counseling. You obviously are bothered by his behavior, or you wouldn't be posting this. You cannot control him and his actions, but you can accept the message his actions are conveying: he's not ready yet to be a committed partner.

Don't do anything.
Don't be available when he calls.
Don't beg him to spend time with you.
Don't miss him when he is gone (get some things and people that take up your time)
Don't be available when he stops by.

Give him the space he seems to be begging you for since his "friend" is so much more important than you. Pull back. Only accept every other call or every second call. Don't return his calls too quickly.

Some would say this is playing games but you will quickly see where you stand with him and where he stands with you. If a week goes by with no contact from him you have your answer. I would even go as far to say if 3 days go by with no call from him. It's over.

You have a son to raise and you and your son deserve you to be in a relationship where you are treated with the highest esteem and value. This guy may not be husband material and since you get to choose. Choose wisely. If you weren't ready to get married to him you should have said no to his proposal. It seems as though he is definitely rolling back on you.

Lastly. Marriage is an AS IS proposition. How he is now is how he will continue to be after the I do's. It is so much easier and less costly to break up now before you make the ultimate commitment of marriage than it is to discover you made a mistake and have to pay your valuable hard earned dollars to put and end to something you know in your gutt just ain't right for you.

He may be nice, but he's a BOY friend. Not a significant other, and not husband material. If you can't count on him day to day - which is the CORE of what marriage is about, then do the best thing for you, your son, AND this young man and break it off.

If it were me I think I would decide that since my previous relationship was bad and this relationship has some major issues...that I need to take a break from relationships for a while. A year? More? I would focus on me. I would focus on my son. I would work improving myself and enjoying life being in no relationship and just being the best mom I can be. I might even do some therapy in order to work on myself...maybe one evening a week. I am guessing this is simply the type of person your boyfriend is...he's kind of flaky. You can't really count on him. He would rather just ditch responsibility and go hang at a friend's house. And he does just that. In my experience you can't really change people. As much as I loved him I would think this is not what I want as a husband and father to my son and I would let this guy go.

You can't control who he puts first. But YOU can decide to put your son first. This really doesn't sound like a man who is ready to commit to being married and being a father figure. I find it very odd that he would be sleeping at his friend's place at all if it is right next door to your place. What's going on over there? Are they playing video games for hours or something? It sounds like you may not be compatible. Maybe he would consider moving in with his friend and allowing you two to take a break in your relationship. Consider looking for a new place for you and your son as well. Putting some physical distance between you and this friend of his might reveal whether he's just distracted by this friend because he right there, or truly not committed focusing on the household with you and your son.

dump him. he is not right for you. you need to just stop trying to get him to come over, and then tell him that he needs to get his stuff outta your house and not come back
there is a better man out there for you and staying with the one that has seemingly lost interest is not a good way to find a better boyfriend

Your boyfriend isn't mature enough to be married. You would be so foolish if you actually married him.

You need to call off the wedding. Nothing good is going to come of marrying him.

Reconsider marrying him.
If he's over at his friends all the time now, getting married isn't going to make things any better.
He's not making you/your family a priority.
Keep looking.

I don't really see how he is a boyfriend let alone a fiance if he never spends any time with you.
You and your son deserve better. Break it off now before making another relationship mistake.

If you don't see the signs now? You will be in the same boat with your ex.

ONLY WHEN you feel and KNOW you deserve better will you get better. IF this is what you want in life? Marry him. If not? Change the locks and take his stuff over to his friends house.

It just amazes me when women get in a situation like this and don't know what to do. YES!! YOU DO KNOW WHAT TO DO!! Stop whining. He's not worth it.

It sounds like your relationship is not even close to being in a place that is ready to set wedding dates. Plan on a long engagement, and don't even begin to make wedding plans until after this and other issues are sorted out. Love isn't reason enough to get married, you have to be logical and practical about it. Take the time to figure out if the two of you are Lifetime compatible. Right now, you're not even Today compatible. Couples/premarital counseling is in order.

My first thought is he's going over there so he can sleep, not be woken up by you and the kiddo as you start your day. He works late so he needs to sleep late. You have to respect that he needs his rest.

Your spidey senses are telling you that you need this year because something isn't right. You know in your subconscious that this guy isn't right, not right now. He is either really immature and needs this year to grow some or you are too demanding of his time or something so he goes over there to get away. Not trying to be mean.

My first thought was he probably needs to sleep and you are up and getting kiddo up and ready to go to child care. He needs his sleep, especially if he's working that later shift.

When I worked 6pm-2am I came home, ate some dinner, watched TV for a bit, then went to bed. I slept until about 2 or 3 then went and picked up school kids. Hubby came home and I went to work.

Even when I was off work I kept to my work schedule for sleep times. Our bodies should be kept on the same cycle as much as possible.

I have a friend who works the night shift in a group home. On her days off she tries to stay up all day so she can do stuff with her kids and then when it's time to go to bed that night she is so exhausted. She will do this the next day too. By the time she is to go back to work her biorhythm is so messed up that she is like a zombie and every time she sits down she falls asleep. Her health is suffering too. She had a heart attack due to the stress she was putting on her system by not going to bed around the same time each day and getting up around the same time every day. If you work day then sleep nights. If you work evenings then sleep in in the mornings. If you work nights you sleep all day, every day, off work, on workdays too.

If you want someone to come home the same time you do and go to bed the same time you do and gets up the same time you do so you can spend all your time together then you need him to get a different day time job or you need to switch to an evening job or you both need to figure out how your different jobs can work together.

I don't know your age or your fiance's but it might be best to keep this on ice for a bit. See where you two are going because right now you are not a priority in his life.

Find out who you really are without a man. Learn to respect yourself and demand to be respected. The only person who can make you happy is you. If you can, go to school and better yourself for you and your son.

Keep us posted. I used to live in Las Vegas in the 80s and the area has changed quite a bit when I visited in the 2002.

the other S.

i had that issue, but it wasnt next door. get his stuff together and tell him to figure out his priorities, go be with his friend or with you. whatever he chooses problem solved, and if his choice is you may have to be prepared to make him end this friendship later if it continues to get in the way. good luck, and know that if he chooses the friendship it is absolutely for the best. that would save you a lot of stress.