In Need of Crucial Advice

How old are you two? You both seem very young. Does his mother not want him to marry you? Or just to not get married?

I would NOT marry him without going to premarital counseling. You crying a lot and him blaming you is not going to make for a good marriage.

If he won't go to counseling, you shouldn't marry him. If he won't go, he is telling you that his mother will always come first. If you think it's hard now, wait until you've been married a while and he won't tell her to butt out.

Go get counseling.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I agree with Doris Day, thje 2 of you need to go to marriage counseling You have been a couple long enough, even without marriage, that this counseling will be a huge help.

Write down the things that seem to come up over and over.
These are just examples...

His mothers interference. Her comments and assumptions about you.,

His lack of standing up for you.

He shuts down at your concerns.

Your loss of the baby and your feelings of loss.

What you are expecting if you get married.

How you want to change.

What are your ultimate goals in marriage.

How you view marriage vs, just being a couple..

If you think you are having problems now, getting married and being stuck..., I mean staying together forever.. can really be hell, I mean wonderful IF you are on the same page. (hee, hee)

FYI, I have been married to my middle school sweetheart for over 30 years. His mother has never been a fan of me.. I no longer speak to her.. And she has learned it is her loss. Because my husband has always been aware of her treatment of me and told her, he would always love me and nothing she could do was ever going to change this.

My husband and I went to marriage counseling early in our marriage and it taught us how t communicate with each other. It is a skill and with guidance you 2 can also learn.

Men who are ready to get married and become fathers don't play into any of this kind of drama.
He's not ready, he's too young and immature, and maybe you are too.
Get married FIRST, build a stable home/career and save some money and THEN have a baby. Your life will be much better if you do things in a mentally, emotionally and financially responsible way.

Run away!
Get yourself together.
Do not marry this guy.
You deserve better than him and his family.

J.:

Welcome to mamapedia!!!

I'm sorry for your loss. I personally know how tough it is to lose a baby further along in your pregnancy. I am truly sorry.

Your boy hasn't cut his apron strings yet. Engaged 4 years and no date set? Doubt it will happen. I am sure that is hard to hear. You sound VERY young - like high school sweetheart young....

If your boy isn't willing to go to pre-marital counseling - I would cut off the engagement and run!! Tell him when he's ready to be a man and have his own thoughts - then you two can talk about relationship and marriage. Until then? Thanks but no thanks.

Your boy isn't ready for marriage and he's not ready to be a father. I'm sorry. He still needs his mother's approval and advice. He's not ready to be a man yet.

Please go to counseling for yourself. It's a hard loss - not just the baby - but the relationship that you have held on to for so long.

You need a break from her. Try not to visit or take her calls at least for a few weeks (or more!).

I'm so sorry you lost your baby. Do you know if it was a boy or girl? You need support and encouragement, not family stress. Try going to Miscarriage Matters.com or MEND.com and find support there. You will learn how to heal and deal from other mothers who have been there.

Grace and peace to you today :)

I am sorry for the loss of your baby. That adds to the stress of an already rocky relationship. In addition, you have pregnancy hormones that may be causing you to be more upset. You didn't say how old you area and whether you are living together or whether your fiancé is still living at home. Premarital counseling would be a good idea for both of you so that you make sure you are ready to be married and to teach you communication skills so that you can present a united front to issues with his mother. You can find premarital or couples counseling at many churches and some counselors offer sliding scale fees if you don't have insurance coverage for counseling. Look into it now. Good luck!

Your body is going through many changes right now. It's time to heal and just let things go. He has no idea how this is for you. He never held that child or loved it like you did, it was an abstract thing to him.

I suggest you find a support group to join, like raindrops, and they will help you come to terms of your loss.

As for the mil it's time to just ignore her and let her do her worst. If he believes her then he's not much of a catch. If he sees how loving and kind you can be he'll fall in love with you all over again.

I'm sorry about your miscarriage. That can put a lot of stress on a relationship.

If you've been engaged for 4 years, I'm wondering why you have not married. It's possible that one or both of you is delaying this for a good reason, but it's also likely that his mother isn't taking the relationship seriously. I'm not sure how old you both are, but when someone puts the date of their engagement as you have, that's a common indicator of a fairly young person. So perhaps you just need to develop some mature and adult communications skills. As others have said, grown men (and women) learn to separate from their parents and devote themselves to their spouses. Adults in a marriage learn that their spouses come with a family, and they know how to express their commitment without alienating their parents.

He should be putting you first, but that doesn't mean that his mother is out of his life. She may be putting ideas in his head, but if he's a mature man, he knows how to decide what ideas to accept and which to reject. Like it or not, she's part of his life, and unless she's incredibly horrible, bitter or dealing with untreated mental illness, it's to your advantage to learn how to co-exist with her rather than compete with her.

Is she telling YOU how she feels about the idea of marriage, or is she telling HIM and he's telling you? Is he living with her still, and so it's a constant nagging? He needs to not tell you everything she says if she is just ranting, or he needs to stand up to her. But neither you nor he needs to go to every fight you're invited to.

It is important that you figure out if you are crying because he wants to get out of this engagement, or because of the miscarriage, or because you don't feel she was supportive enough of you, or because you and he aren't communicating effectively. I think getting some premarital counseling might be very helpful to both of you, to help you identify the priorities in your relationship, find barriers to communication and shared goals, and deal with the miscarriage.