Help.........My 12 Yr Old Daughter Thinks She Is Fat......

It could be that no one has said anything to her, that other girls at lunch don't eat and say they are fat themselves so she is trying to be like them. The only thing I would know to do is to explain the difference between fat/skinny and healthy/unhealthy. There are lots of people who are skinny who are unhealthy. Maybe tell her you think she looks great but if she has concerns about her weight, you'd be happy to take her to a dietician who's an expert and can help her be the healthiest she can be. I think arguing with her and telling her she isn't fat, might not help. Kids at that age are skeptics and she might think you're just saying that to be nice because you love her. An objective opinion might be something she'd listen to. Good luck!!

Oh boy... my daughter is 11... thanks for the "heads-up". :)
Your daughter, sounds to me, like she's going through a phase. My niece,(17) went through it, and at times, still says it. She is not fat, either. Her weight fluxuates depending on if she's got a boyfriend or not.

Girls are under so much stress to look a certain way. All you can do is keep encouraging her and shower her with compliments. Does she have a person she looks up to? You may want to talk to that person to see if they could talk to her.

Even though she may say that no one at school says these things to her, she may be not telling you the whole truth. She might be under stress of some kind at school. I'd talk to the school counselor and also give a shout to your doctor. They would be the ones that would know what to do and what signs to look for.

Hope this helps. I may be asking this same question in about a year! :) ls

Good for you Mom. You are paying attention to your middle schooler and asking good questions. A big change in habits like this is nothing to ignore. Know that you are doing a good job of supporting her but do get her to a professional for evaluation. Eating disorders are not just an attitude or a phase and you need to know right away if you are dealing with a phase or if this is medical. Thank goodness she is talking to you about it.
God bless you both.

First is she mirroring you? If she is, keep your weight loss thoughts to yourself. Second, have you talked to her about standing straight and sucking in her stomach, she might be feeling too tall and needs to see the change in your look when you stand tall and tuck the tummy in, my daughter's were tall and we had to remind them that boy's that were unsure of themselves were the one's that would be intimidated by them and wouldn't date them, no matter how skinny they got. Remind them that the right man will come along that will see that fantastic person inside and not the one everyone sees. I'm glad to see that you are on top of this we ran into some mothers that almost encouraged their daughters to have eating disorders. Small meals 6 times a day seems to be the way to keep your energy and keep you from gaining weight, so maybe the small salad and something when she gets home isn't such a bad idea.

She's 5'7" and 107? That's teeny!!! When I was swimming in high school, I got down to 119 at about that same height, and my body fat percentage was so low that I stopped having periods. Honestly, I don't think that's healthy. I would maybe talk to a doctor. I am afraid that you continuing to confront her might just make her secretive about what she's not eating. I have had several friends with eating disorders and they lied about eating.

Hi D.,

I have raised 3 beautiful young women (they are 23, 26 and 28) and let me tell you - I am glad I am not doing it now in the world we are in today.

Everytime you turn on the TV half the ads are somthing that is being sold by sex and glamour! These poor young girls see all of the models on TV and in ads and they are all size 0 - not anything like real people are!

When my oldest was 16 she went in for an appendectomy and we had been going through the "I'm fat thing" which she wasn't. The internist was the most help of anyone I have ever met - while speaking with my daughter, my daughter happened to mention "her fat stomach". The internist actually looked at my daughter like she was crazy - and told her she was by no means fat - that a woman has to have a ROUNDED stomache for all of her female organs to fit inside of her. She then went on to explain that when you see a model with a flat stomach it is because she has STARVED herself to look that way. She also went on to explain how not eating a regular diet can cause your skin to look yellow and will eventually cause you to loose your teeth and hair. It took some time for my daughter to digest this information - but in the end she understood what was being said to her.

If your daughter is not eating because she thinks she's fat, there are many things to do to help her eat and still be healthy. You could help her research "Healthy" snacks and meals and get her in the habit of eating, but eating healthy. That way you know she is still getting enough nutrition to help her grow.

If you watch her and feel she is entering a dangerous place, make her an appointment with someone who will talk to her and make her understand she can not starve her body.

Also, be careful of what she hears from you and your friends. Most women I know moan about their own body shapes and sizes and don't realize how their children tune into those conversations and ideas. You are the person she is always going to listen to even if she acts like she isn't!

Good Luck

N.

The best advice I can give is keep telling her she is not fat! She still does trust you even though she's a drama queen! As far as the other behavior, well from a mom who has been through 2 teenage girls, DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY, then we can respond without our emotions eating us up inside and continue to do what is best for our teenage girls.

Hi D., I really suggest you talk to her school councelor. Sometimes this is a phase and sometimes it's not. It could turn into anorexia which is a real disease. Her councelor can talk to her and find out why she is acting the way she is. There could be someone at school who is picking on her and she isn't telling you, or she could truly be seeing herself in the mirror as fat, which is the first signs. Nip this in the butt now and it won't be a problem later. I always thought I was fat in Jr. High and HS and my mom always said I wasn't. I am big boned and the girls I cheered with were small...I look at pictures now and think what was I thinking, I was skinny. Good luck and God Bless.

Oh, this is such a slippery slope, isn't it? You know she isn't fat, but let's don't try to convince her of anything just yet. I would suggest you be really, REALLY open, and talk with your daughter about her body and nutrition. Ask her more about her concerns about her body. Get her to share with you specifically what areas of her body she wants to change. Talk about fun fitness classes such as yoga, pilates, or Zumba (tons of fun for both of you). Then talk about nutrition. Make sure she understands that the calcium she gets NOW and for the next few short years will determine how good her bones will be when she's a grandma. Get her thinking about the bigger picture without spelling that out. Gently lead her down the path of a healthier approach to body image concerns. No preaching, just options and information. I know this may seem to be skirting the issue, but it's not. It's a good approach that will keep those lines of communication open so this doesn't become a more serious, life-threatening issue. Good luck to you, and I'll say a little prayer for the two of you.

Has she started her period yet? I know that can sure make you feel fat! Even when you are tiny. She is going through hormones right now and probably not sure how to deal with it. Shoot Im still not sure how to deal with mine. She is pretty tall, she wont appreciate that until later, im 5'4 and sure I liked it when I was tiny but now that Im older and gaining weight, you sure can see every pound on a short person! Anyways sadly I think this is probably when everyone worries about their weight, I always did, even when I was tiny. You just have to be able to tell the difference in her just being vain or if its a real sickness. Sadly some girls take it to an extreme and without Mom even knowing. Watch her closely, and let her know that shes beautiful. You could start exercising with her and let her know that a healthy weight is important but so is eating right. If she starves herself it will only backfire on her. Like I said, watch her and let her know your always there. If you act like shes crazy, she will hide it from you. Anyways good luck! Being a female at most ages is tough. ;)

Good Morning D.,

I agree with Lisa, call your doc or a doc who knows the right questions to ask to see if there is a problem.
And you are right, you are "out of touch" and she thinks you're an idiot. But you are smart to at least question this behavior. This could possibly be something of greater issue.

I would also watch your words and actions. Do you make comments about being fat or needing to lose weight? Our kids pick up our actions far more than our words.

Good Luck.

Lori

I had similar thoughts as a preteen/teenager and in retrospect, I believe I thought I was fat because all of the other girls around me were tiny. Tiny feet, tiny in stature, tiny little bodies... I wasn't. I was curvy, tall, and proportionate (but I didn't think so).

Your daughter is 5'7" - that's pretty tall for her age (I'm 5'7" at 30 years old :) ). She could be merging the concept of being 'bigger' with 'being fatter' than her peers.

This doesn't necessarily change anything, but may give you a glimpse into her mindset. I agree with the others about seeing the school counselor. Possibly just seeing him/her one-on-one before bringing in your daughter just to ask a few questions???

Hope this helps!

J

I was a teenager that had an eating disorder. I was also a young adult that had an eating disorder, when I felt like my life was out of control. the lord cured me of a 10 yr battle with anorexia/bulimia.

I can tell you one thing, the more you focus on her eating, the more she will do the things that bother you and people in general. If you focus on her not eating, she will start to eat and just go throw up. There is no reasoning with her that will get her to see that she is not fat. nor is it really about that.

what would be better is to get her into counseling, and find out what makes her happy. that doesn't mean you don't correct her, walk on eggshells or try to accommodate her. the hospital told my mom to make certain types of meals with measurements. Never lasted. my mom would do it, and I would eventuall stop eating.

If you feel that she is in danger of herself in any way, either put her in a hospital where they can put a tube in her, or put her in a long term treatment center so they can get her help. let me reiterate that there is nothing you can do if this has turned into an eating disorder, besides treat the symptoms. You can't make her eat, and the more you try, the worse she will get. if she was overweight, it would be the same way. You can harp, and she will just get thinner.

Now, all this to say, is that you need to love her and show her you care, and you need to use tough love if it gets to that. do some research. Look at the grocery aisle, you will see what kind of pressures are put on our girls.

just don't make a big deal out of it. do the counseling, and get her medical help if she needs it, matter of factly. You may warn her, but it may not do any good. giving her nutrition information will just help her get around eating normally. she will figure out what has the least calories and all that.

do you know what really cured me? My overbearing family getting out of my business. I did better when I wasn't in the family. they were overbearing and i was showing my independence. And, pray. Now, realistically you have to take care of her, and so it can be really hard, to want to make it better, and not being able to as the parent. you will just have to let her know that she has to do xyz; counseling, hospital, psychiatrist, etc, unless she eats right and stays at a healthy weight. stay firm on those things, but do not concentrate on what she is or isn't eating.

And, no, she probably won't just snap out of it. you may want to tell her the side effects of anorexia; like health issues current and future (hypoglycemia, low metabolism, etc as an adult), and possible infertility, heart problems, etc. if it is a phase, it may help, if it has already turned into eating disorder, it probably won't.

i hope this helps. what cured me temporarily was pregnancy once an adult, because i am really pro-life, but after a few months, i would fall back into it. until the Lord released me from it. Good news is that it isn't that common in women over 25yo.

D....yikes! My little girl is 3, so I don't know about this from a mom's p.o.v. I do remember being so aware of my weight and my body at 12, mainly because this is when everything went co-ed, and we even had to take swimming in gym. And don't get me started on the worst nightmare ever: health class! It's a tough time. Lots of changes.

She will never see herself with her own eyes the way that you see her when you look at your beautiful baby. (My mom told me that :-) To you, she's skinny...but when she looks in the mirror, she's probably litterally the biggest she's ever been, just because she's growing and turning into a teen (brace yourself, mama!)

I'd say take her seriously, challenge her mind, and use this as an opportunity to teach her about taking care of her body the right way. Like, sit down with her and make a health/fitness plan with her...do some research online together about a person's proper BMI, the best foods to eat for like heart and muscle health, and maybe try a meal planner, where she can be in complete control of what she eats and calories. (Try Sparkpeople.com)

Then maybe you could sign up for a fitness class or a sport together at your community center, something to shift the focus from worrying about weight to being conscious about health.

Good luck!

I have just come across a GREAT ,HEALTHY Chocolate that maybe you should look into.It is called TRU chocolate and the website for you is (www.chocogevity.com) just do a little research and see what you think. I know of people who have lost up to a pound a day and it has lots of nutrients and antioxidants that our body needs. Have your daughter look at it with you and get her input too. Happy searching, Ginny

I'm a nurse at a pediatric hospital and have had eating disorders as young as 9 yrs old. I read a bit of what others have said and this is absolutely not your fault and there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to convince her that she is not fat. She needs to be seen by a physician and closely monitored. This disease, if it is in fact for her, can be very dangerous to her heart and vital organs. As long as her labs are ok, just encourage her and try to support her and be a good example of healthy, balanced meals. If you want a recommendation, I
can give you the name and a number to our adolescent clinic in which our eating disorders are seen. Good luck.

D.,
I've been overweight all my life. I'm always on a diet and trying to change everything about the way I eat and look at food. But some habits are hard to break and my husband loves junk food making it harder. As a family we have gone through spells where we swore off junk food, stopped bringing soda and ice cream in the house etc. This emphasis on food has caused each of my daughters to go through these stages. It's hard. Even as adults now they each struggle with their self image and each are beautiful. One of my daughters admits that she made herself throw up when she was 14 and it lasted awhile. She stopped and it didn't turn into a long term problem.

My suggestion is to rent a few movies about girls going through anorexia and get her to watch them with you. Talk to her openly about this. Don't wait and don't worry about pushing her further into a problem. If it's a real problem and she does get worse you need to know. If it's not a deep seated problem then she will figure out what you are trying to tell her. Either way you need to meet this head on.

Suzi

Your daughter is becoming aware of her body and the way other people respond to it. She is beginning to see herself as an individual with a certain look. Some kids can focus in on being fat because it is something they can change about themselves. If they can lose weight maybe what they see in the mirror wont be so hard to look at.

It is not being fat or being skinny that is the problem, it is self image. There is something about the way she sees herself that she does not like.

The fact that she comes home starving and wants a snack is a good thing. She is still responding to the feeling of being hungry. Be careful this is how anorexia begins.

If she is willing to sit and talk about it, you can head it off. Begin by doing a search online for people she can relate to. Celebs or anyone. Find out how tall they are and how much they weigh. That info should be online. Do not tell her you are doing this. Then begin by asking her if these people who fit into her hieght and weight catagory are fat. She will begin to see that they are not.

Talk to her about the dangers of starving herslef. She can lose her hair, her health and her energy. doing anything that requires much energy will be difficult for her.

Finally, have healthy foods in the house for her to eat. Kids who are not headed for anorexia but are concerned about their weight, will choose to eat if the right foods are available. Some girls at this age make an honest choice to go vegetarian, if she does this you will need to make sure she gets her protein from the right sources.

If you allow her to make healthy choices, and help her to do so, this may be something that becomes a healthy life style. If you notice she is not taking a lunch, maybe she would take an apple, or a larger salad from home. Offer her the opportunity to take care of her body and do so in the right way.

It is a difficult age and when their bodies are growing and changing so fast, the smallest thing can seem so huge. If she goes up in bra size she may see it as gaining weight and not just breast size. If her tummy buldges from her period it may look to her like she is getting fat.

You can not change the way she sees herself, but you can help her to have a clearer image.

oh this is such a tough age. I have a 13 year old daughter that feels the same way and will not eat lunch at school. Their bodies change so much at this age and they don't know how to react to people starting to notice them as they start looking like young ladies and dealing with their crazy hormones that are all over the place.
After working at the schools and really observing their lunches I really don't care whether she eats lunch at school or not. They are very high in carbs and sodium so probably not as healthy as you would think anyway even though the menus look good but most of the food is processed and canned veggies etc. I try to encourage her to take her own lunch and if she doesn't want to eat lunch then let her eat when she gets home even though we usually have dinner around 5:30 but she usually does eat dinner well but not good about eating breakfast which I try to encourage her to eat something then as well. I have told her that eating 3 times a day is less fattening and healthy than eating one larger meal a day.
I don't know what the answer is either but want you to know that you are not alone and just make sure she is eating and not totally starving herself but don't make lunch an issue as they aren't that great anyway. They are very little servings as well and usually make the kids more hungry to where they want to buy more snacks and junk food for side items. Try to have healthy snacks like fresh fruit and veggies around and you may be surprised at how much of those she will eat. I know when I have fresh fruit and veggies around my kids will snack on those instead of chips and other junk foods. They prefer the healthy food over the junk but if the healthy foods aren't convenient then they will go for what is the easiest to grab and eat.

If she loses a large amount of weight quickly then it is a problem.

I would take her to her doctor and ahead of time call the doctor and warn the doctor of the problems your having - maybe he/she can ask the right questions to see if there is something that needs to be addressed.

God Bless

D.,

Your daughter sounds beautiful and very normal. Is she active in sports and / or fitness? If not, help her (and participate with her) in fitness testing - strength, endurance, flexibility, body composition, etc. Then set some goals in areas you are each weak. Know that when you exercise, your body has more demand for healthy food than for people that do not exercise. Your body burns food as fuel, then creates some free radicals in the process that need raw fruits and veggies (antioxidants) to neutralize the free radicals - also called oxidation.

Most MD's have very little if any training in nutrition. So be prepared to do your own research or consult a holistic nutritionist.
Research a healthy diet with your daughter and do not be alarmed if she wants to become a vegan or vegetarian. Help her and go with her. There are lots of resources online and books including cookbooks for and by teens that are going veg. These are the healthiest people in the world. Those that consume a plant-based diet with 10% or less animal sources.
Baby steps are good - it can be a long educational journey because Americans are so connected to meat and dairy.

I am a nutrition and wellness advocate with Juice Plus+, fruits and vegetables in a capsule, chewable and gummie. Plant-based meal replacement shakes, etc. JP+ has helped my family bridge our nutritional gaps between what we know we should be eating and what we actually do eat in today's world of the Standard American Diet (SAD - for a reason!)
If I can be of further help or recommend specific books or provide you with a DVD to watch and begin the educational journey, please let me know.

P.
www.SeeJP.com

My advice is to stay on this one, you are right to be concerned and I am glad that you are aware enough to pick up on warning signs. As a former 6th grade teacher and a recovering anorexic, this issue is near and dear to me! It sounds to me like your daughter has gotten a direct or indirect message from someone about her being fat (for me, it was my grandmother making a comment on my eating a big portion of dessert one night at her house; that's all it took!) While the comment or indication to her may not have been on purpose, she now feels the need to 'closet eat' (she doesn't eat in front of her peers or the person who started it but only around people she feels won't judge her) She is probably also doing other dangerous behaviors; fasting, over excersizing, diet pills.
Don't dress her down or tell her she's nuts. Tell her that, at her age, she's becoming a woman and if it's important for her to be thin, she needs to adopt sensible adult eating habits. It's totally fine to stay away from junk for the most part, but ok to splurge on special occasions. put her in control. help her choose healthy foods she likes (let her grocery shop with you) and plan out her daily diet. Tell her that her body will metabolize better if she eats small portions (small, not microscopic) for breakfast AND lunch, has a SMALL snack after school and a sensible dinner. Steer her into correct dieting and emphasize that it will give her the desired result of a good figure with the added bonus of her health. Also, emphasize that this is the mature (grown up) way to keep her weight in check and even if her friends go to extremes, this way is much better. DON'T tell her she doesn't need to diet or she's not fat or she's being silly. Just give her the tools to do it the right way. Stay on it, though. If she starts displaying more anorexic behaviors GET HELP! call the pediatrician if you're worried. (for me, my two best friends went to the principal, who called my mom, who'd ignored and brushed aside the warning signs. I got the help I needed and got back on the right track)Good luck

My little sis went through the same thing at that age. Turns out she had a best friend who was smaller and actually anorexic. My parents did a great job of watching her and not making too big a deal of it. They just talked to her about their concerns and made sure she ate healthy meals at home. focus on helping her find a healthy weight (she's probably already there) but don't discount her feelings. Maybe try an excercise or cooking class you two could do together. Don't nag it doesn't help. Watch and wait and consult professional help if you continue to worry over time.

The dove campaign for real beauty has some good resources for conversation starters. Here is the link to one.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iYhCn0jf46U

D.,
If your daughter could see herself as the Bible describes in Psalm 139:13,14 - "For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works: my soul knows it very well.". she may change her mind about how she looks.
She is very valuable to God - Jesus loves her (John 3:16), Jesus demonstrated this love to her by dying on the cross for her sins (Romans 5:8, Romans 6:23) and rising again (I Corinthians 15:3,4). May she believe in Him (Acts 16:31) and receive Jesus into her heart as Savior, John 1:12, and John 3:36) A personal relationship with Jesus is the answer to this life - and it lasts for eternity (John 1:1-4).

May God give her understanding, J. Baurain