Helping My Little Cousin Feel at Home

It sounds to me like she's just testing her limits in her new home. This is very normal and healthy, especially considering how much she's been through. Her reaction to this major life transition and its resulting behavior could have been MUCH worse.
I'd go a little easy on her for the time being.
She's obviously old enough to know that you and your husband aren't really her mom and dad, but I'll bet she kind of wishes you were. She's also old enough to know she has to follow some rules, but needs to find out for herself what the consequences are for misbehavior in her new environment... thus, she's acting out.
Stand strong on your rules, but keep the consequences gentle at first. Also, make sure you reward her when she does something right. Make a downright big deal out of even minor successes for a week or so. Positive reinforcement almost always works better than disciplinary tactics with kids her age.
Only discipline her when she's really done something bad. If it's a minor offense, don't ignore it of course -- just explain to her why her behavior is unacceptable and then give her a SHORT time-out. Once she's finished her time-out, ask her if she remembers why she got the time-out and make her promise she won't do the same thing again.
(Of course, she will, just to see if you're serious. Expect this, and don't let it upset you. Just calmly remind her that she's been down this road before and she ended up in time out. Ask her if she wants to go to time out all over again. If she continues the behavior, it's back to time-out to do the whole thing over again until she realizes that you really do mean business!)
Then, as the second week goes by, slowly ease up on the cheering squad while simultaneously bringing her punishments up to the same level as what your kids are used to.
Always try to remember that this is all new to her. (Even if she did spend time in your home when she was little -- three years is an eternity to kids this age, she likely doesn't even remember her previous stay much.)
Also, and this is VERY IMPORTANT... make sure to have a talk alone with your older daughter about why your cousin seems to "get away with" misbehaviors she would normally be punished for. Let your daughter know that your cousin won't be living on Easy Street forever, but that learning to be part of a whole new family is hard and you all have to be understanding toward your cousin for a while.
Kids are very willing to help others learn... maybe you could even enlist your 7-year-old's help in coaching your cousin to behave correctly. (Don't forget to give your daughter positive reinforcement for her efforts, too!)
Don't worry too much about your two-year-old feeling slighted... at her age, she doesn't even have the cognitive capacity to truly understand or remember "fair -vs- unfair". She's going to throw a fit when she doesn't get her way with or without your little cousin living with you!! ;->
Seriously, though. It sounds like your cousin has finally landed in a safe, loving environment. You, your husband and your children have the opportunity to do something truly special for her that will affect the rest of her life... it won't be easy, but from what you've written, it seems like you're a wonderful family and you'll do just fine. I think you're wonderful for stepping in to help a family member in need. All the best of luck to you!
A LITTLE ABOUT ME -- I'm a mom to a wonderful, very headstrong 13-month-old. I have one bachelor's degree in Early Childhood Development and another in journalism. I write about parenting issues for a living and have worked with so many kids over the past 20 years, I can't even count them all...

Hi A., you're taking on a lot but I'm sure you're up to it. You don't say if this is temporary custody or permanent, whether your cousin is available for you to have permanent guardianship or adoption. This would make a difference in what she calls you. She's seeking what every kid wants - a permanent Mom and Dad that are "hers".

Very often, kids whose early lives were disrupted, especially in the neo-natal bonding time, have difficulty forming true bonds later on. They appear to "latch-on", sometimes indiscriminately, then appear to shift that bond to the next care-taker without ever experiencing true bonding. In the meantime, they put their care-takers to the test in what amounts to "how bad can I be and still have someone love and care for me?" This involves a pattern of behaviors that can be very trying for you and I'd suggest getting professional support. Your Child Protective Services Agency, a community mental health agency or women's shelter should be able to steer you in the right direction to find someone. There may actually be support groups for caretakers of kids with Reactive Attachment Disorder (although I'm NOT diagnosing that... just something to be aware of if it applies) If you don't know how long she'll be with you, I'd suggest de-mystifying the process and tell her something to the effect of, "We don't know what the court is going to do, but in the meantime we're going to be here to take care of you the very best we can and make this your home. And, We'll always love you." Then show her through your actions that you mean it.

Around home, you may need to keep a tighter rein than you would otherwise with your own kids, she may need more structure, more direct "teaching" of how to be. It needs to be consistent for all the kids but can be worked in in a way so it's just "how we do things" so your 7 year old doesn't start resenting changes "since She came".

It's important to get her in for regular, consistent, long-term play therapy. When kids experience/witness trauma, especially before they have language, that gets locked in there in memories that they don't have language to express (but it WILL come out, somewhere, sometime) and it's important to help her unlock that now through creative play and art with a qualified professional.

Thank you for being there for her. Hopefull you'll get the opportunity for it to be for the long-haul.

You've gotten some good advice, and I'd agree with letting her call you mom and dad... it may just be a real comfort / security issue that prompts her to do that. At 6, she knows you're not really her parents - so don't think she'll automatically call you that forever, and if she does, that's a very nice compliment! I was a preschool teacher and sometimes we would get kids from CPS, they'd end up calling us all "mom" as a sign of comfort.

I agree too, with getting a family portrait done and hanging it on the wall. I'd talk to your other kids and let them know that she needs love and support from all family members, and let them know that calling you guys mom and dad is one way to feel part of the family.

Good job on not wanting to just make her a "guest" in your home, as that would definitely separate her even more by not having the same responsibilities. Get the book: Parenting With Love and Logic, and it could help with the sneakiness/lying - which must come from years of mistrust in her life.

And, if she's in school you should ask that she sees the school counselor to help with her focus, organization, and positive social behaviors in class. Nowadays they don't make it a big deal to step outside of class and see the "goals group" teacher (that's what my kid's school calls it), so don't worry about stigmatizing her.

Then perhaps you should take your entire family to family counseling, if you don't have insurance there are programs that do counseling and parent strategies, as well as they offer after-school tutoring all for free (depending if you life in Tucson): Project Ppep is one to look at ###-###-####), or Family Wellness Center located at Thornydale Elementary ###-###-####).

Good luck and hang in there - you are doing an awesome job!

It sounds like your cousin is reacting to the change in her living/caregiving situation in a way that is very normal for a child her age. She is going to test boundaries for the reasons others have said - because that's what kids do and to test your love and commitment to her. Stay consistent and caring. Maybe have at a time where the whole family is together you could talk about rules and expectations and consequences, so she knows that the same guidelines apply to the entire family and she is a part of your family now. If she is going to be with you permanently, I like the idea of getting a family picture taken with your newest family member.

I highly recommend seeking support from a mental health professional who specializes in working with children and families. It will really help you and your husband and I think it would really help your cousin to work through the issues that she has as a result of her experiences for the last 6 years. It's better that she deals with them now, versus carrying them into adulthood. It may even help to have a couple of whole family sessions to further support your girls in welcoming a new "sister" into their home. A good counselor can help you figure out the best thing for your cousin to call you and your husband. I understand that you want to be honest with her and since she is probably calling you mom and dad out of a need for stable parents - the therapist can help you balance honesty and helping your cousin feel like she belongs in your family.

Good luck to you in your family. Your cousin is lucky to have a caring family member that wants the best for her.

Hi A.,

Were you given any sort of professional preparation for this very very possibly emotionally damaged child?
The lying sneakiness and meanness and so quickly calling you mom and dad sound like signs of ATTACHMENT DISORDER problems seen in abused/adopted kids. (lately in the news...esp from foreign countries. )
The meanness could escalate. She may have a lot of rage underneath. That she tries to be sneaky shows a lack of conscience. This is esp dangerous.
I would not even recommend you doing a lot research or reading up on the subject before taking ACTION.
Please, for the safety of your other kids pets etc, look into professional assessment and guidance (for her and you and family) for this young girl.
Yes..she's going to need to fit in...but her outlook and brain may actually be damaged, you may need ideas for how to make that happen. You do not really want to make mistakes with trial and error.
Good luck to you...

Since you have custody, and she is wanting to call you mom/dad, that says she really loves you and is reaching out to you. How about if she calls you Mama A.? This may be her way of letting you know she is needing a "MOM" right now. Seeing your other children with you and your husband, she just wants to feel like she's part of the family in a more close way. Her acting out is likely related to this...and the changes, and her past. Putting myself in her shoes and situation (at her age) I can only imagine how's she's feeling.

I also know this is a major adjustment for you and your family. Maybe sitting down and writing out chores - and drawing them from a bag (to make it like a game) would be a fun way for her to feel part of the process, rather than having her walk into rules that are already established? You could even rotate and draw new chores each weekend?

Let her and your kids pick from things you'll make for dinners that week, let them all help make meals with you, etc. Helping her feel included and part of new traditions or tasks will make everyone feel closer. Another big help would be to take pictures and make scrapbooks together - so she can see that she is part of your family in photos and memories!

All the best,
C.

Without knowing more about her previous upbringing it would be hard to say, but it sounds like you're doing what you should. It's going to be a tough row to hoe, but perseverance and consistency are key.

However it is you decide to handle your cousin, you and your husband need to be on the same page, disciplining and praising alike, just like your other children.

Hang in there and good luck!

Hi A., I first want to say what a wonderful selfless thing to do to help out your cousin! About her calling you and your husband mom and dad I think is a great thing, she obviously feels comfortable -great- and I believe that whomever cares, loves and raises you is your mom and dad, and birth and blood are not the definition! And I would treat her as you do your other kids, she will and has tested your buttons to see what she can get away with, but so does every child. The difference with her now is that she is starting testing the buttons at a later age rather than from birth like your other kids. Be consistant, repeat rules, and love, love, love. Best of luck to your whole family, that is quite an adjustment! Happy holidays:)

If you want the child to feel like she's a part of your family, you need to allow her to call you mom and dad if she wants to. You need to start thinking of her as your biological child if you ever want this to work. Don't make her feel singled out and don't make her feel the need to prove herself.

As for the behavior issues, it sounds like she's simply testing her boundaries (and your love). Quite normal and expected, actually. There is plenty of information out there regarding the adoption of "older" children and related issues. I suggest you start doing some research and seek group support.

Good luck to you and may God bless you for doing His work.

You have a long road with this little girl, but it will be
worth it; you have really answered most of your questions in
your letter. You stated you have custody, but you asked her
to call you Auntie....if she wants to call you Mom and Dad, I
believe you should let her. She knows who you are, but calling you Mom and Dad like the rest of the children makes her feel like she is "in" the family. You say you want her not to feel "different"...then there is your answer...you must
treat her in all ways like you do the other children including
discipline when she does wrong. Correction is a big signal to
this child that you care enough.
Good luck and perseverance will be the key...it will take
lots of time. God Bless You.
G.
(wife, Mom, Grammy)

i have 5 adopted sons. i got them all when they were teen agers. they all have their problems but then so do my bio kids especially as teenagers. the most important thing is consistency. with them and with your kids. if everyone has to do a chore then be fair and make sure they all do it or face consequences. they also need to know that you love them and are not going to go away. that is the most important thing because they have been thrown around all over the place . they may have a lot of anger so getting them to a therapist is the firs thing you should do and make sure you have the entire family go to a couple of family conceling sessions so that sh knows that you are all behind her. make sure she has her own place in the house. where she can go to be alone or where she can ivite people in. if not enought bedrooms then a special chair or a special time where she has part of the house all to herself. make sure she has her own things and doesnt have to share with anyone. these kids hang onto whatever they have for dear life. also call her on things. if she knows she cant get away with things then she will eventually stop them. i had one of the boys who hoarded food. so i confronted him away form everyone every time he did it. he said that he didnt know if he was going to have to leave the next day and wanted to have food . i told him that if he decided to leave i would make sure i packed whatever he wanted but that we loved him and had chosen him to be part of our family. he kept doing it so i set my alarm and woke him up every two hours and made him get up and eat. i did that for 2 nights and he stopped.

Sit down and tell her that she doesn't need to lie or be sneaky - that you will love her no matter what. That you won't give her away to another family, that you won't hurt her. Then let her know that, since she will be part of the family, all of the same rules apply to her that apply to the rest of the family - chores, homework, being kind to one another, consequences for broken rules, etc. Take a family picture with her included and put it on the wall. Show her that she is part of the family. Encourage her to talk about what scares her so that she can deal with it. Be sure to talk to her before giving her punishments - tell her she broke the rule, and has to be punished, but you still love her. If you didn't, you wouldn't care enough to teach her right from wrong. Good luck!

Many props to you for taking in a relative. She probably calls you mom and your husband dad because your children do the same. Good chance that she is lying or being mean because she knows that she doesnt belong, or fear of losing you as well. I really suggest going to a therapist that specializes in working with chldren. Does she understand why she is in your house and where her parents are? She may be confused.

Hi A.,

try doing group (family) time every day. I think if you have a family fun time at least every other day or so if not every day where all the kids participate in maybe a game of some sort depending on the age and all, she may start feeling more comfortable. I am guessing she was abused from the message you sent. Just give her love and have your kids give her love, and eventually things will change. I would also get her in to see a psychologist to talk and get some of her issues out in the open if you haven't already done so. I would think that she may need to learn how to play correctly with your kids though if she has been in a bad situation for so long. She may need help adjusting and all.

D. P.