He are my thoughts on the subject. I hope they help you. When we are overwhelmed, we often revert to how we were parented even if it wasn't a positive experience. Perhaps your husband is treating your daughter how he was treated when he was a young boy. Perhaps you two could take a parenting course together so you both will have better tools in your parenting tool box to pull out and use during those moments when the little ones are misbehaving. Look in the community recreation guide or at OCC, or GoldenWest College Fall Catalog to find an inexpensive class. OR ask at your PTA for a recommended course. Often times, libraries have videos that are free public service type classes that can be watched in your home and then returned to the library. Also, you could tape a few of the 'Nanny 911' episodes on TV to watch together. Check you TV listings and plug in the search word "Nanny" there are several versions produced by different networks and they are all great in my opinion. You two could become a better & stronger united parenting team if you adopted some parenting guidelines that you see and agree might work well for your particular family circumstances. Those nannies always handle families with respect and can be very creative in helping families learn manners, and follow the house rules so every one gets along better.
As far as your daughter is concerned you can tell her that Daddies and Mommies don't always act respectfully and can make mistakes too. Your husband needs to apologize for his inappropriate behavior including a vow to be more polite when he wants to make his point heard in the future.
Also, your daughter needs to know that there are consequences for not listening to Daddy or Mommy when they tell you to stop hitting the fork on the table,or misbehave in any inappropriate way. The consequence needs to be immediate and appropriate to the error. At 2 1/2 a "time out" for 2 minutes would be my suggestion. Do you have a "time-out mat" or "time-out chair"? Every time your daughter doesn't listen to your request she can be reminded that if she does comply then she will have to have a "time-out". "Time-out" means; two minutes on the mat or chair, no toys, no talking. While in "time-out", all she is to do, is to think about what she did wrong and how best to behave in the future. At two you have to coach them through this by telling them why they are in "time-out" once they are placed on the chair or mat. Once they are on the "Time-Out Chair" then the timer is started and when the timer chimes you ask them why they were in time out? And how they could handle the situation better next time. And they need to apologize for their misbehavior and vow to do it the right way next time, example: I'm sorry I didn't listen to mommy's words right away and I will listen now. If they won't stay in the chair or start to throw a tantrum you gently hold them in the chair, or on the mat on the floor, until they comply and once they calm-down the two minutes starts. If they get up and leave the "time-out" area before the timer chimes, they need to go back and the timer starts again. It's recommended the the number of minutes of the "time-out" equals their age in years. For example: 4-year old's get 4 minutes. When my Brovin was 3 he would sometimes really fight the time-out, so I would hold him on the mat until he would agree to stay put. If he got up again and left the mat then I would hold him through the 3 minutes. This would usually only happen when he was over- tired and sometimes he would even fall asleep during the "time-out" so I would let him stay on the mat until he woke up again. The key to "time-out" management of misbehavior is consistency on the parent's part. Every time they misbehave you can threaten a "time-out" but only one warning. If they don't listen after one warning then the "time-out" is immediate. I've had to stop during grocery shopping and retreat to the car so we could have a "time-out" in the back seat before we went back into the store to finish our shopping. OR I've given "time-out" while at a friends house by using their kitchen mat as the "Time-out" zone. But pretty soon the mention of a "time-out" for inappropriate behavior becomes enough of a reminder and they start listening.
Now that her kids are 9 & 10 my girlfriend uses 5 minutes increments of chores as the repercussion for misbehavior. Every time her girls dump their things on the floor instead of putting their shoes up on the rack and their school bags up on their hook which is the family rule they get 5 minutes for ever item found on the floor. After their home work is done, then chore time begins and once they are done with their everyday chores they owe Mom 5 min's extra cleaning time whether it be dusting, vacuuming or picking up in the bath room, or perhaps it might be picking weeds in the garden, or sorting of laundry and distributing it to everyone's room. Now when her girls aren't listening or they start to whine, all she has to say is "5 minutes" and they know they better snap-too or they will hear, "10 minutes" and the clock keeps on ticking-up until they apologize and do what is asked of them. Even under the most stubborn of moments, they usually cave-in at about 20 minutes.
Again, I hope these ideas help you and your husband. We all can learn to better, more efficient, and respectful when we teach our children how to be better people. And sometimes they teach us a little along the way.
I agree that your husband may be feeling stressed and would like to recommend a book, "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Laura Schlessinger. We all need to love and respect the men we have chosen as our partner, but they don't come with an instruction booklet on how best to care for them. I found this book to be very helpful and I never have to nag, my husband to do something, or change his behavior because I've changed mine. After all, the only one we have control over is ourselves. This book taught me ways to speak with my husband that are more effective and as a result we both feel more loved, honored and respected. That was the vow we made and I try to keep to every day.
Good luck and please let me know if my advise is helpful. ____@____.com