Helping Daughter Deal with Her Fathers Divorce

Depending on your relationship with her father, I would handle the situation two ways.
If you can talk civilly with Gigi's father, I would tell him straight out that he needs to talk to her about the divorce. Explain that she's very upset and that you don't feel it's your place to explain why Daddy's relationship isn't working out, because she is asking! If Gigi asks you about her father, just tell her that you don't know why - her dad is a different person than her step-dad and that is why your marriage will stay together, etc. etc.
If that scenario isn't possible in your situation, it's time for the Birds & Bees talk (if you haven't done so already). A 9 year old can certainly understand what's going on, so tell her straight out. If Daddy is a forever-bachelor type, maybe you can liken it to those reality tv shows everyone seems to be watching (The Batchelor, for instance). Tell her it's ok to talk to Daddy about his girlfriends, about her feelings towards him and seeing him with different girls. Above all, reassure her that NOT ALL BOYS are like that! Use your marriage as an example and to reassure her that it's perfectly normal to have a stable, long-term relationship (even if we married people know that we're no longer in the majority!)

As long as you're giving her a solid, honest ground to stand on, she'll be able to mature well and eventually understand her father's mindset and why he did/does the things he does. She'll probably be in her 20s by then, and hopefully Daddy will have grown up too :)

Good luck!

Hi K.
I am so sorry for your dilema.We all know that nobody should introduce their children to a girlfriend/boyfriend until it is serious or real close.In your ex husbands case it doesnt seem to matter(I dont mean that he doesnt care about his daughter I mean that he seems to be going through a few gals that he may feel strongly about).I hope that he is introducing the women as friends(that would be a good approach as not to confuse her).Do you know what I mean.We can all have many friends,as long as your ex and his so called friend are NOT kissing and hugging more than you would a regular friend ya know"HI" kiss on cheek "good to see you" hug.I know this is about your daughter but imagine how this gal feels when she meets your daughter she could be getting the wrong idea or the right idea depending on how you look at it.I am not sure how open he is meaning:would he abide by your suggestions?Suggestion:Please ex introduce Gigi to girl as friend,if the girlfiend doesnt understand before the actual meeting that wouldnt be a good sign.My goodness this is getting confusing to me.I hope you get my meaning.Although your daughter is sensitive she is old enough to understand.The best for everything is the truth.Explain to your daughter that her dad is dating.What I am suspecting is that your daughter wants to be reassured about where you and your husband stand.You say that you dont want your daughter to know/think that her fathers relationships are temporary but so far they are.Again the best answer is the truth.Not wanting to repeat myself sorry it seems to me that your daughter wants to know where she stands.Reassure her how much all of you LOVE her and that she will always be with you,you will always take care of her and be there for her.It is even hard for adults to understand that we cant control other people DO NOT throw that in the mix now.Only make promises that YOU can keep dont speak for other people.I hope that I did not confuse you more I also hope that the other moms have given you advice that is from their experience.
MUCH LOVE
MUCH LUCK
to you and your family
S.

YOu are writing about my life!! My ex was engaged and almost got married, but they split, and it hurt my kids badly.. This was November, 2 years ago.. then, exactly one year ago, he got some girl pregnant.. they did get married, but for one month, and then they got it annulled and my ex told my 10 year old kids (twins) that she got an abortion, then proceeded to explain to them what that was... I WAS LIVID!! He introduces them to different women all of them time, and it really irritates me...What I do is just reassure them that no matter what happens to anybody, that you will always be there and you will never leave her. She is probably wondering who is leaving her life next. (my kids did-- they asked if my husband was going to be here with us too or get a divorce). Just try and keep a routine, as little drama as possible... and contantly reassure of your love for her. I also hope that my boys will grow up to realize that my lifestyle is one they should strive for-- not my ex husband's... Good luck!!

She needs to know that whatever happens, she is dearly loved by both of you. Your ex's problems are adult issues and she does not need to be burdened by them. If he continues down the same path (obviously he will) I would suggest counseling for your daughter. I had similar issues and the counseling helped her tremendously. If he is a good father, he should pay for half of the cost. The results of her counseling was that her father had to take parenting classes. Perhaps you could suggest that when he has her that he curtail his personal life to spend quality time with her. Sounds like he can't do the parenting thing on his own and is depending on other women to help take care of her. Good luck. I wish the best for your daughter.

Hello K.,

I have been and I am still in your shoes. I am re-married for 5 years now and my ex-husband has been re-married twice since our divorce and is currently sepperated from the second wife (which he had another child with). The best advice that I can give you is what my husband gave me. Try to talk to your ex-husband and let him know that you "Both" or "All" are raising a daughter and that everything that you do now will effect her as she grows up. Also, let him now how upset she gets, when she meets someone once or twice and then never sees them again. If all of this still fails, you may have to sit down and talk to your daughter and make sure that she understands that what daddy does is not always the "right" thing, but DON'T say anything bad or negative about him. The more positive or at least neutral you are the better for the children.

L. A.

That is tough, and shame on your ex for being so careless with his daughters feelings. I have wondered that about my own relationship with my step daughter. I was introduced to her almost immediately and while we were dating her dad and I had a really rough relationship. One of my main concerns thru that time was her and how she would feel having me taken from her life, not to mention how it would hurt me to lose her. Luckily our relationship worked out and our marriage is strong so I don't worry about that anymore.

What I would tell her is that you and your husband love her very much and you both will always want her, as will her dad. Tell her that it is hurting her step mom that she can't see her and be in her life and that you know she loves her still and that maybe someday they will see each other again. You might also, on her level, explain to her that not everybody is good at relationships, and while her daddy loves her dearly, he is one of those people. Explain to her the importance of having lasting relationships in your life and how you are sad for her daddy that he cannot find that and hopefully some day he will, but that his inability to maintain a relationship in no way means the people that go out of her life did not care for her.

Helping her deal with this is going to be sensitive on your part as well. Reinforcing the fact that you are her Mother and your Ex-Husband is her Father and that will never change should be your focus. Explaining to her people will come into her life and people will go out of her life and she can always count on YOU being there for her. Apparently relationships are important to her and growing up if she fells insecure she will always hold back from commitment and those feeling will follow her into adulthood.

Praying for your wisdom in this matter.

And such is the problem of parenthood. Our job is not to protect them from the world. Unfortunately, we have to allow them to be hurt and upset sometimes - that's how they learn. Let dad answer the tough questions about his lady friends. All you can do is sympathize with her. I'm sorry your daughter is so upset about it, but sometimes we have to build up a callous to the world that will hurt us. Better now in your protection and care than when she's on her own.

I know step-moms and step-dads who have remained a part of their step-kids' lives even after there is no longer any legal relationship between them. If your ex-husband doesn't object, perhaps you can encourage your daughter to maintain a friendship with her ex step-mom. If you and ex step-mom get along, you may find it helpful for your daughter to have a trustworthy adult female friend with whom she can relate--especially given the teenage years are fast approaching. As for dad, just be glad you've found a stable man as a role model for your girls. You can't change biological dad, but maybe your current husband will be a good antithesis to bio. dad's flippant regard for relationships.