Helping a Preschooler Deal with Social Rejection

My daughter has been going to the same pre school for 2years. when she started she was just barely 3. She became good friends with a couple kids, and then they went on to other schools or kindergarten. When a new batch came in, they some how started excluding my daughter. I was sad too, because she was saying all the time they wouldnt play with her, or they took her toys, or called her names. I was concerned enough, because she was coming home from school sad and depressed and nothing like before. I talked with the teachers, who didnt notice anything different. Come to find out, it was one little girl there, that has some behavioral issues, that had taken a dislike... at 4 years old this girl was orchestrating a strange sort of boycott against my daughter, because she had hair bows and long hair, and the other girl didnt. It was the weirdest thing I ever had heard or saw. Once the teachers were involved and were able to start to work on the other girls strange behaviors, then it stopped and she is fine and having a great time there once again.

Sorry MP is acting up.. it booted me before I finished. Anyway
I think its time to get the teachers involved. Maybe she just has a small falling out with the girl and needs a way to sneak back into the group. It took a few weeks of teacher's help to get my daughter back on track, but if I had not mentioned anything they would not have noticed the strange behaviors going on.

Well, in my opinion, you need to stop thinking of your daughter as being "socially rejected".
A four year old played with her at school and now doesn't.
Do you realize how fickle kids can be sometimes without having any meaning behind it?

Of course it hurts to hear your daughter feels lonely, but that doesn't equal being socially rejected. She just started this new preschool and it might take her some time to get used to the comings and goings and schedules of the other kids. The other kids are figuring her out too. That's okay.
Let the teacher know that she stated she feels lonely at school.
Some things can't be forced, but I have two kids who were always paired up with the new kids or the shy kids or the kids with special needs. My kids would befriend anybody. And defend anybody. But....you have to realize at this young age, not all kids have a capacity for that. They still think they are the center of the universe and haven't learned empathy. They don't put deep thought into other people's feelings at that age. Something seems fun one minute and they're off to something else the next.
It's not a reflection on your daughter if they are that way.
She will have a hard time understanding that at her age, but you said the right things.
Some kids are very friendly but other kids are shy and nervous.
Sometimes kids think that shy kids don't like THEM because they withdraw.
It's all about learning and figuring each other out.
Your daughter has many years of this ahead of her.
The main thing is to let her know that she is fine. She is more than fine, she is wonderful and amazing. There will be people who see that in her and there will be people who see it and don't express it.
It's all good.

Like I said, change your own definition of this. She is not being socially rejected. Don't ever let that label or thought even enter her head.
My daughter was in kindergarten at 4, she was ready to roll. The difference between 4 and 3-1/2 can be huge sometimes even though it's only 6 months.
Talk to the teacher. Maybe she could enlist the older kids to be a "helper" to your daughter and let them do some crafts or things together.
Just an idea.

Tell your daughter that you hear how she feels so she feels validated, but don't dwell on it because then she will dwell also.
She has many years of finding her way in the world ahead of her.
As long as she believes she is okay, she will be.

Best wishes.

At that age, kids rarely buddy up with a single playmate as "best friends." If your daughter's expectation is that this one girl will play with her, and her alone, every day, she's going to feel left out.

Encourage your daughter to play with ALL the children in her class. Mention to the teachers that she is struggling and I'm sure they can help involve her in some group activities.

HTH
T.

I suggest that all you need to do is be empathic with your daughter. Talk with the teacher and see if staff can help your daughter get involved with someone.

Your daughter will be having this sort of experience her whole life. With your and the schools staffs support she will learn how to handle it.

What is most important is to listen and be sympathetic. Sounds like you already have good words to share with her.

I would agree, that at this age kids mostly just play with everyone over buddying up with one kid. I would just encourage her to play with all of the kids, and let the teacher know your concerns. I'm sure once she's involved in an activity she'll forget all about it. I have watched my 3.5 year old son play on the school playground at his school, seems like he's always with a different kid, the one that's doing what he wants to do (slide, trucks). I also see him play by himself and ignore the other kids around him. I think it just goes with the age.

I'm sorry, but I don't think the "mean girl" thing starts at this age. I don't think kids "socially reject" each other at that age. Kids that age don't always want to play WITH each other. Sometimes they want to play with one kid for a week, then they move on to another one. DD is in K & she talks about a different kid every other kid. Personally, I'd rather my child socialized with many different kids than put all of her eggs in one basket with one select kid.

I wouldn't focus on it too much, just keep encouraging her to be friendly & social & be herself. I know it's hard, but most likely it is upsetting you more than it's upsetting her. At the end of the day you can't force other kids to play with yours & vice versa, and I don't think kids should be forced to be friends with each other. Adults aren't forced to be friends with the people they work with, so why should school be any different? Yes, we should be nice to everyone, but friendships will develop naturally, when it's time.

Oh, how sad. :( Nothing worse than a little one with a broken heart. I would talk to the teachers and share your observations, and her comments to you. See if they have any inside information or observations. Ask them to be on the look-out for this situation.

Like another person said, it could have stemmed over something small like hairbows or it could have been over sharing gone wrong.

My 4 year old is a very emotional little thing (and I remember being the same way). If someone looks at her the wrong way she worries that they don't like her. We talk about feelings all the time and 98% of the time she is a happy little thing.

Good luck, mama. :)

This is a great question! I have 3 boys and a girl and noticed immediately in preschool- the mean girl thing starting- I would watch it, as I have boys 1st. I think it's great to be aware, but most importantly, this is a critical time to give our daughter's a foundation of self esteem. "You know what you do if someone doesn't want to play with you? You walk away and think wow there are so many other kids to play with and so many fun things to do- great!" This is a perfect opportunity to teach your girl to not rely on others to make or break their self esteem. I mean this in the most supportive way, that i see mommies and daddies unable to separate their emotion from the situation and the parents are so upset that it transfers to the little girl. I've seen parents yell at the other kid... I've tried all different methods, but the only one that works and has a long lasting effect is teaching self esteem and to walk away- focus on your child's abilities to rise above. It starts WAY TOO YOUNG! Girls and women and moms sometimes:-( can be so cruel. Ideally, we should all support each other, but since that's not the reality, if we can teach our daughters now to rise above it and focus on what's important, I know we can help them in the future- in school, life, relationships, the world eventually. I hope this helps you!

I would suggest you take the time to watch the playground activity without your daughter or the other kids knowing. Once you see the dynamics I would suggest go to the teachers or the director of the place and have them get involved and help her find a helper or fix the group so she has better social time. Give the teachers a chance to fix it. If it continues at this age I think its more important to find her a place she is happy. Just wait 4th grade is going to be horrible.