Why Does He Not Socialize Outside of a School?

Try not to worry about this, and give him plenty of time.
He is spending so much time away from the home and dealing well with that, making friends, so I wouldn't worry.
All children are individuals, he might be shy. That's ok!
It seems like he misses his friend, and doesn't enjoy the soccer on his own? That's Ok too.
He might want more time with you or people he knows? School will be fine, they are set up to help him adjust

BTW in the UK we take them at 3 years of age!

Every child has different needs.
Your child is away from home and parents (his life-line) for a huge part of his day. His friend is his anchor. Some children love being surrounded by other children and adults, but others need security from a single source.
He will adjust to Kindergarten as all children do.
For now, spend as much time with him as possible, including your husband and sibling. Think of it as 'storing up' energy with you for his time away.

I have two children: 4 and 2.5 with #3 on the way. I used to be an elementary teacher before children. I saw the different needs of children.

Dear Tommie,
My beautiful seventeen year old daughter was just the same. She has always hung back and waited until she was approached first, had one or two friends she would socialize with and did not want to attend any social events that did not include her best friend. And guess what? She is still this way. But she is on her school's varsity soccer team, her club soccer team, editor of her school newspaper, etc. She is just a quiet observer and these observations make her a wonderful writer about the world she observes. I agree that we often believe that the world is only successful for the introverts...but think of it this way...if only extroverts existed, for whom would they perform? Take a deep breath and enjoy your child for who he is...

Just keep trying. My daughter is very "slow to warm up" as well. Luckily, her kindergarten had several activities the summer before school to expose the children to the school, classmates, and teacher. We attended ALL OF THEM. By the time her first day began, she sought out one little girl who we had seen at some of the events and asked her to sit next to her on the carpet. Since then they are best friends and she had NO ISSUES starting kindergarten (which was very huge). She has made other friends at school, too, but by far this one little girl has been her mainstay, and it is a bit of the same as with your son, if BFF is absent, she is sad the whole day, etc. It is rather exhausting, but you just need to keep exposing your son to new things and sticking with it. If possible, meet some kids from his class before he starts school. You probably won't be the only mom trying to do this!!

I think your son just needs more time to adjust to new situations. He seems like an introvert. When he first started going to pre-k, did he have a hard time adjusting? If so, then may be it's the same with outside activities. My daughter is the same. She's a shy person and takes awhile to adjust to new situations. Even when we go to familiar places (friends' houses, relatives' houses), it takes her a few minutes to get comfortable. She, too, is in soccer with her friends and is doing really well. When you see her on the field, you don't realize that she's a shy little girl because she's out there going after the ball. My husband and I are very impressed and proud of her. I think it helps that her friends are there, but I think she'd be fine if they missed a game. If we are in a situation where she's standoffish and to shy to interact, I'll try to reassure her that everything is fine and will gently push her to go out and play. If not, then I'll let her be and let her decide to play at her own pace. She eventually does. I think it's best not to push your son too much. I think you should help him try new things, but don't force him to do it because the experience won't be fun for either of you.

As for Kindergarten, I'm worried, too, about how she'll adjust, but I know in the end she'll do just fine. We are already talking to her about Kindergarten and letting her know that she won't see her pre-k friends because they're going to different schools, but that she'll meet new ones. I also let her know that we'll plan playdates with her pre-k friends once school starts so she won't miss them as much. I have no idea if this is helping, but we'll see. I also plan on taking a few days off from work, so that I can drop her off at school and pick her up. My father in law watches our youngest and will most likely be the one picking her up from school, but for the first few days I'll do it so she feels more at ease. I think there's also a Kindergarten Round-Up at the school in the next couple months, so that parents can meet the Kindergarten teachers. Hopefully, we can bring our daughter so she can meet them before school starts.

Hang in there and good luck!

I'm no expert but I will share my experience. Hope it helps to put you at ease.  My son was always a bit shy or just a mamas boy.  He rarely left my side and did not speak to many people even family.  I was too afraid that he was not ready for preschool so he didn't attend.  When it came time for kindergarten, I thought the same thing, he's not socially ready and I thought he would be kicking/screaming.  Oh boy, was I ever wrong.  He took off so quickly as he waved bye.  He did fine but when it came time for any organized activities outside school, forget about it.  He just did not seem to enjoy being around all the other kids so I never forced the issue.  I worried as he was growing up that he was not social enough, again was I very wrong. My son is now 16 and is more social than my daughter ever was. He found his social legs once he started Highschool. He has been in sports and several clubs since 9th grade. He has a big circle of great friends both boys and girls. I just think that boys sprout at a later age than girls. Well, there it is, this is my experience and I hope you don't worry about your son's social skills too much. Enjoy every phase and mile stone as he grows in to a little man.

Tommie,

I am wondering why a four year old needs other social activites in addition to full-time preschool/day care. Your child is young and feeling vulnerable. More time spent at home may give your son the comfort, stability and reassurance he is lacking in social situations. His feeling extra shy when his best friend is not around leads me to believe he is looking for the above mentioned affirmations along with the fact that he is spending too much time in a daycare situation. I know some moms have to work full-time, but others choose "things" over caring for their children. Which are you choosing? I do not know and am not judging - just stating the facts. Please do not let society rule you into thinking your little boy is somehow missing out or getting behind the other kids by spending less time at daycare and more time in a safe, secure place called home. I am a teacher of 23 years and have a degree in Educational Psychology. Relax he is only four! The best thing you can give your son is you. Children do not need quality (organized, expensive, over-planned) time so much as they need a plenty of quantitiy (simple, nonstressed) of parent's time and attention. Good Luck!

There is a lot of pressure for proper socialization at an early age for children. There is also a lot of pressure to be outgoing, as if being shy is a detriment and an unacceptable personality trait. I highly encourage you to honor your son's temperament. He may have limited comfort zones. He may need more down time than other people and the socializing he does do is enough for him. He's FOUR years old. He will adjust to Kindergarten at his own pace. Just allow him to be himself and to trust that he will develop socially and otherwise at his own pace.

Jen

Sounds like your son is an introvert. He may need time to recharge from group activity, since he is spending 8 hours a day, 5 days a week with a bunch of other children.

I agree with the other mom who suggested you honor this aspect of his personality.

Maybe he will become more outgoing as time goes on, maybe not - but as long as he knows that you love and support him no matter what, he will be fine!

More Park days and Play dates with other kids in preschool or the neighborhood kids. Even if you stay at the other kids house and visit with the mother so he fills safe. Once he sees other toys and how other kids play he'll be more comfortable. When he wants a toy or candy at the store make him pay and talk to the cashier. When your son want's something make him be the one to ask for it.

Also when picking kids for play dates, pick ones that your child might have things in common with.

Example: My son wouldn't play with other kids at recess, at his speech pre-school. There were 5 or 6 kids, my son was the kind that if the teacher said to walk on the line you did, if she said don't run out to your parents wait until I dismiss you, he did exactly that. (The teacher always made me worry he was a loner) But when we went to McDonalds or the Park he was running with all the kids their and had 5 new friends. As I looked at the diffrence between these kids he chose to play with and the ones he didn't, I noticed: there where only 4 or 5 kids to choose from some were girls and didn't want to play shooting and star wars, the rest were the kids that didn't mind the rules and the teachers, this really bothered him. He saw these kids as they will get me into trouble. Now I'm not bragging that he's the perfect child because now that he's in 1st grade he is much more a wild kid, but still cry's when he had to pull a card at school.

Hope this helps.
J., Mom of 2 girls and 1 boy

He's shy, and sounds like more of a loner, with just one or two good friends. He's still very young, and will become more social and adaptable as he gets older and matures. I wouldn't worry, and certainly wouldn't push him. My son has always been like that, though he's much less shy now at five-years-old.

Hold him back one more year. Start him next year and give him more time to grow socially. Take him to the park and play with him on the jungle gym. Help him to talk to the other kids while he is playing. If he does not want to talk then you talk to the kids. Let him hear you talk to other people and get to know them. Our kids are our shadows, they learn from us.

HI Tommie,

It might just all be too much for him. 8:30 to 4:30 is a long time to be in school for a little kid. Maybe you should try to do something more quiet with him after such a long day. Making a craft one on one with his mom would be a lot of fun for both of you. Since he's doing well in Pre-school I don't think you'll have to worry about him making friends and doing well in kindergarten, though it might be scary for him at first. If I were you I would cut back on the extra curricular stuff and do more things one on one with him.

Good answer Jen!
Well said, I agree with every word.