Help with Toddlers

Look at the situation closely...ALL behavior has meaning. Think "what does my child feel, need and want". Once you understand why the child is behaving the way they are, then it is easier to come up with solutions. Find "teachable moments" every chance you get
Good Luck

My boys have lots of time with their dad (who lives with us), their uncle, and their grandfathers, plus other male figures. They also are disciplined in various ways, but my older boys (5 & 4) are still wild children that get in lots of trouble at school. I finally decided to just bring my oldest home to homeschool him (he's the wildest and most defiant), and he's still pretty terrible, but I do feel like I have a lot more control over him) His brother has his days and times too. Sometimes, kids are just like that no matter what influences that have. Sometimes temperament/behavior is genetic. My boys act just like their daddy did when he was little (especially my oldest). We've tried EVERYTHING, and I mean EVERYTHING, and all of their teachers have too, but nothing works...why? Because that's just who they are. Am I okay with it? no, am I going to use that as an excuse to let them just be out of control and get away with it? Of course not, they still get in trouble, but I can't beat myself up over it because I now know that it's just who they are and all I can do is just do my best to teach and show them otherwise so as they get older and more mature they'll know.

p.s. My children are definitely NOT lacking attention, and I get very upset when people try to make me feel like my children act out for attention. Yes, I have 4 kids, but trust me, my kids get more attention, even one on one, than most kids do.

First off my hat is off to you being a single mom. I couldn't do it! I have 5 boys and they all try me until I think my head will never quit spinning. My husband is very supportive, but travels quite a bit. The only advice I have is to be consistent with your punishment and follow through everytime. If you say they will get a time out for doing something again...follow through with it. I always confirm with them that mommie loves them and wants them to be good boys and follow the rules, so I have to make sure you follow mommies rules. I do hope that you can get into that routine, if not already and I do hope it will make it easier for you.

Angie

I know how hard it is trying to raise children by yourself, but I am sure you are doing a good job. My son is raising his 6 yr. old by himself. I helped from ages 2 to 5. They have moved, but my daughter provides a female influence his life. We also had behavior problems at this age with my grandson (& is still having some problems in kindergarten. We found out when he started kindergarten that he was very advanced academicaly, so the teacher had him tested for gifted/talented program. We all felt he might be bored. Maybe he wasn't being channeled enough. Perhaps you may want to have your boys tested also. We will have to wait to see how this turns out later in the year. You will be in my prayers. Sheilea T

hello S.! I have been where you are at this moment in time. It is diffucult being a single mother and ecspecially challenging when mothering boys.first off it would help me to understand exactly what type of behavior is going on. Is it that they won't sit still, are the bothering other children? Identify what the behavior is. If it is a stillness problem, this is normal. They are after all three and four. So, there has to be an adjusment on their part. I can assure you that part of the problem is the fact that deep inside these boys are missing their father. Do not panic!!! What you can do is assure them of your love for them. Encourage them each day with saying, you are great boys,Today is going to be a good day! Tell them of how proud you are to have them as your boys. Tell them how special they are to you and that you need them. Let them know that when they do good in school it makes you proud. I went through this with my son and I had to learn the hard way on my own.Give them a reward for doing good in school. As you begin to build this relationship with them, it will take missing their biological father off of them and the acting out will calm. It will take some praying, patience, and lots of LOVE. I am confident that you can do it.. It is natural in males to want their dads even though he is not active like he should be. That is ok.One of the things that we single mothers have to do is realize, although another man is in our lives, we have to work out those issues that our children have on our own. Look for the gentleman in you life to encourage and support you not fix the problem that he didn't create. I hope that this helps you.

R.'

I think it depends on what kind of trouble are they getting into. Is she picking on them or are they really obnoxious?
Are they just being active boys and she can't deal with them or are they sincerely being like the wild boys on Desperate Housewives.
I think depending on what the situation really is, depends on how you would handle it. Are they being mean and ugly to others or just talkative and active? See what I mean.
They can't be allowed to hurt anyone and they really should calm down if they are being disruptive because that keeps others from learning but being active little boys and not the teachers puppet on a string are WAY TOO different things.
Talk to her and find out EXACTLY what they are doing first.

Perhaps your boys are competing for attention. Try spending just a few minutes each day focusing positively on each one individually. When raising my boys this method worked better for me than all the threats and punishment. Boys that close in age are naturally competetive. Could day care divide the boys into different groups? Good luck from a Mother of four (two boys, two girls, all grown) and a Grandmother of 7.

S., First off, Good for you and your hard work! Stick with it. I'm a single mom of an 8 yr old energetic boy. We had very similar situations. I started by catching him "being good" and exaggerating the praise, this cut down on my angry responses when he did something he wasn't supposed to do. I also started reacting to the negative things very "matter of fact" and giving very basic responses, like not putting games away, "Since you can't put the games away where they go, you've shown me that you aren't ready to take care of them, you can't play them for (the appropriate # of days).
Also, as hard as this may be, become friends with their teacher, tell them you are on their side but you need them to work with you. It's possible that you both are seeing patterns of behavior. Make sure to hold the boys know what is expected of them at preschool and cover the basics every morning before you drop them off. Make sure they also know that they will be held accountable for misbehaving during the day because you know they can do it! Give lots of praise for a job well done. Ask the teachers to do the same.
You can do this, hang in there. Don't back down.

S.,

When children act out they may be screaming for attention. Try to give them possitive attention. If the act is ignorable then leave it be and focus on something possitive that they did. Reward the possitive behavior. I have found a great help for parents. Go to www.housefairy.net This lady has an inexpensive program that can help you with your children. Remember that little ones don't always know how to get the attention they need and if they have an inactive father it is hard to make up for it but not immpossible. Keep structure in your home and let them know that you love them no matter what. They may even be testing that love. Keep trying and know that you are not alone. There are many parents out there struggling with the same problems. I hope this helps and I would highly suggest that you go to this web site and start using it. I think you will see changes really quickly. It uses the childrens imagination and there love of things like the tooth fairy and santa clause. Good Luck
T.

It depends on a lot of things, like if their father's absence is a recent change or not. It also depends on the behaviors they're having. If you're really worried, either make an appointment for a good psychologist who works with kids/families or ask your pediatrician for a referral for one. He/she can help you tease out exactly what might be causing the behavior and what you might be able to do about it.

I am mom to 3 boys, ages:14,11,9. Boys are awesome, best friends for life. They do require and naturally need a lot of 1 on 1 time. I know that is hard as a single parent, working and raising children, especially active boys. Please take time everyday to tell each of them how special they are to you and acknowledge their wonderful differences and accomplishments. I think boys act out just to get attention, especially moms. There is an old theory of any attention is better than no attention. I am sure you give what you can, I also know how exhausting it can be. Hang in there, recruit all the help you can, when they start school you are looking at a whole new world. Good luck and GOD bless you and you'r boys.

Dear S.,

I, too, raised three sons, who were born within months of each other, so for me, it was like raising triplets! I noticed in their toddler years, they were always vieing for attention, whether it be bad or good, they just wanted to be noticed. Keep reinforcing the good things they do, and notice each one for his individuality...try not to clump them together as one, as I tended to find myself doing. They need to be treated as individuals, punished according to the age and wrong that was done. Let them have the freedom to be themselves and spend one-on-one with them as much as possible. The pre-school teachers aren't perfect either...and I'm sure they also tend to "clump" the children together so that if one is disruptive, they all get punished. The children want to be noticed for their individualism or they will also tend to feel like just one of the pack. This is hard for them to compete with others at different ages in their group. They misbehave to get noticed. Please have a heart-to-heart with the teacher(s) and work together to promote them as individuals in their own right. I believe you all will see a big difference in a very short time.

Good luck,
AJ

Wow! It sounds like you have your hands full. I would suggest reading the book Love and Logic- Magic for Early Childhood by Jim Fay and Charles Fay Ph.D. It covers practical parenting and discipline techniques from birth to six years of age. It's been an invaluable resource for my family. It is an entertaining, easy read that you could get through in a couple of days. Most children will respond to this book's very smart discipline. I wish you lots of luck. Take Care.

Stacy, I don't know how your boys are acting but sometimes , when they are over active , it's because , they may have allergies that cause them to be over active. Allergies, sometimes cause them to become very active and they can't be still. Some children, allergies make them very inactive, where they seem like they are a slow learner.
You may want to consider this information. My son had allergies so bad it effect him as a slow learner, but my friend's little boy was over active.
Hope this information helps.
Memaw

A LITTLE ABOUT ME; I am a 70 years old grandmother and I raised two boys and two girls. They are all grown and very healthy and sucessful.

I have one son who is now 24 yrs old. When he was young, he had behavior issues. Time-out or spankings didn't faze him. A teacher recommended a behavior plan that worked for him. When he finally valued something (toy, video, whatever), I selected one behavior (the worse one...grabbing, hitting, etc). He was told in simple wording that whenever he did it, the item was taken away. "one strike your out" with no discussion or explaination. Kids understand alot more than you think. The important part was to be very matter-of-fact and unemotional. Just do it everytime. You'll learn the stern serious teacher face and he'll know that you mean business. After you eliminate one behavior, you go to the next. Good Luck, P. in Memphis TN

A few questions:
Did there behavior only change when they began headstart? What kind of discipline do they get there, if any? What kind of punishment are you trying at home, and are you consistent with it? If you have the time, I would want to have a conference with the headstart teacher or maybe sneak in sometime to observe for yourself what's going on.
I know with my son, he responds more to a time out in a corner from me than a swat on the butt. However, if the swat on the hieny is coming from my husband it's more effective than from me. Maybe they are testing you to see what they can get away with? My son loves playing that game with me. Try sitting them down and explaining to them what is acceptable behavior when they are at school and what you expect of them. Basically, spell out the rules for them in simple terms. Then tell them what the consequences are for not obeying the rules. Don't underestimate kids- they're smarter than we think. I hope you find a solution to your problem. I know how frustrating it can be trying to find something that works.

Jessica H.

Hey. i am a single mother of two. my son who is 7 now had the worst addittude of any child while he was in daycare. The day car told me they were going to expell him at the age of 3. After trying all the ideas of loving and spending extra time, bribes, i spoke to a doctor and they recomended Cornerstones and the Burke center in nacogdoches. They will come to the school and evaluate their behavior and work with you, your children and the school to better their behavior. My son is now under a doctors care but i dont feel bad because he was in their program since 3yrs. old. he is doing well. maybe they can help you. Dont blame yourself. Just love them and do the best you can.