Help with Separation Issues at School.

You don't have to do anything.
I worked in Daycare and about two minutes after hysterical crying and mom or dad or someone leaves the little people are usually led to a toy, another child or food. And they are all smiles and happy. I have my own children and have worked in school situations over fourteen years. In only one instance do I remember a child continuing to cry. His name was Winston. And he would close his eyes and pretend he wasn't there. Other than that the scenario above fits most children.You still have to leave him and he will probably still cry, so this time go knowing that he will be fine and we are so guilt ridden and are unable to win the lotto and stay home that we are convinced we are torturing them. To this day, after thousands of children in and out of my life I still wonder how little Winston is doing. I'll know he stopped crying one day. So will your little honeybun.

Hi K.,

Sometimes it is hard to leave your children when they are crying, but you said that you like the school and if you feel comfortable then you are just going to have to leave. Don't keep hanging around, just tell your son that it is time for school and he needs to go. It is a phase. He will grow out of it. (I have 5 children so I understand) The longer you hang out with him the harder and longer it will take. So I feel it would be best to just take him to school and say your goodbyes and that you will see him later.
Good luck,
J. J.

Just keep doing what you are doing. Talk to him ahead of time , "It is 5 min before you'll be to school" "You have to go in by yourself because......." I think that bribing is not a good idea, although having him bring along a toy or blanky is a good idea, maybe a family picture to show each time, have it laminated. If you stick to this, when kindergarten comes along he will no longer be doing this. As a day care provider, I believe that drop off tears are show time for the kids and just an attempt to manipulate you. Short and sweet is the best. Try not to react with annoyance, stay as matter-of-fact as you can, as if he were not crying and just going right in.

Oooh, I remember those days and it's so hard! I have 2 boys and the first one went to a preschool run by a woman who had been teaching for many many years. Her advice was to talk about his feelings away from school, but drop him off and leave quickly in a smiling upbeat manner. That immediate separation is difficult, but once he gets beyond that moment, I'm sure he doesn't give it another thought during the day. My younger one wanted me to walk him in and set him up with a puzzle or clay or whatever the teacher had out in the mornings as kids were arriving. Then I would kiss him and walk directly out of the room. Come up with a "ritual" together like, "mommy will give you 2 kisses and a hug" and that will signal the parting. Another thing my kids love is a sticker chart... you could give him a reward sticker on the days that he doesn't melt down with a reward after 2 or 3 days, then a week, etc.
Good luck! This will pass!

You need to make a short, simple, repeatable routine that you and your son will follow every time (any good preschool teacher will tell you this). It should be no more than 3-5 minutes tops.

Take him in, give him a hug, tell him you love him and that, when you get back you want to hear all about his day. Promise that you will return (and when you return to get him, reinforce this notion "See, mommy told you she'd come back - now tell me all about your exciting day!").

Then leave.

Seriously, get the heck out of dodge!

Staying there only heightens the anxiety and prolongs the agony, getting him more and more upset.

To put your mind at ease, call the preschool about 10-20 minutes after drop-off. Chances are your son will be playing happily and not shedding a tear.

I had been having the same problem a few weeks ago and we've been good for a little over the week and I hope that it's a phase we went through! My guy is just a little over 2 and was really clingy and completely melted when I left. I knew it wasn't school either because after he calms down, he loves it there. I don't have any real answers, I had several talks with him about being a 'big boy' and bribed him with things. One day I nearly lost it because he opened the classroom door and walked out! That day I took him to the bathroom and made sure he understood that I was angry and that it hurt my feelings that he behaved this way. The only other thing that the director of my daycare and I discussed was how I had tried to stick around to get him acclimated and I was told that that should stop, make it quick -- don't prolong it. I just hand him over to one of the teachers and run out the door (with a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach!) I can't be sure that we won't have a problem today, tomorrow or next week either. So good luck, I would like to think it's just a phase they go through!

Hi K.~
This is a hard situation, I have been teaching preschool for over 10 years and have a 3-year old, so I have been on both sides of this fence. My advice is to devolpe a routine and stick with it. You know your kid best, come up with something that they like and think of the routine together.
It could be, reading one story, sitting down and doing one puzzle, draw one picture etc. I also suggest printing out some family pictures and tapeing them in the back of your son's cubbie or place them in a zip bag where he can carry them around with him. The communication is key on the way to school, "When we get to school, we'll put away your things and do...(one puzzle) then mommy has to go to work and you have to go have fun..) Also when you get to school and while you're doing your activity. Stress that you will be back as soon as possible. have a routine at the door or window also, have a silly hug, draw a picture on his hand that he can keep, make up something, just make sure you do it everyday...the same thing...
Have the teacher assist you by making sure you son is not by the door/window alone. Have the teacher help your son into playing, "I need help (feeding the fish, watering the plant...anything.) This way your son will not feel so alone at the drop off.
It will take time, don't give up, stick to it, and you'll notice him feelilng more comfortable. It may even get to the point where he tells you to go.

Once you leave the room don't come back to check, it will only confuse him...call the teacher from your car.

good luck!
Here's to peaceful mornings in your future.

I can appreciate how difficult it is to leave a crying, screaming child with his teachers. However, bribing and staying with your child actually increases a child's anxiety and the likelihood that these issues will continue. While you are anxious that he will be upset, he reads it as you being anxious about leaving him. Dropping off your son at school should be done the same way every day, short and sweet then you leaving with complete confidence that he will be okay. Your child needs you to leave him after a very brief goodbye and don't look back! It will be very hard for you to do and your heart may be breaking, but this will actually give your child the message that you have complete confidence that he will be okay and that they daycare will take care of him. He will still struggle for a couple of weeks, likley, but it will stop.

Best of luck!
S.

One tip that another mom gave me was to make sure that the child is walking to the room on his own. It is another inforcer of independence.

I don't know if it was coincidence or not, but my son stopped crying the second time I had him walk to our gym's child center.

I know this is hard but the longer you stay at the school, the harder it is to pull away. 5 minutes of staying or 25 minutes sounds like it gets you the same results.

Get in that routine before school - let him know what is going to happen. Tell him that you will see him later and maybe give him an idea of the routine that will be taking place after preschool, "we will go shopping" or .... "I will need your help when you get home from school"... Reassure him that you will see him after school. You can even do a sticker system - one sticker each day, earned, for good behavior. When (10?) x-number of stickers are earned, you get... (ice cream after school, a hot wheel car, trip to the park, whatever the motivation is for your son.)

Get out of the habit of staying in the classroom. Your oldest might even help him adjust to this by encouraging your oldest child to talk to him about his positive experience in preschool - I never underestimate that sibling influence!

Sorry, if all else fails - he may be too young to go to preschool and you may want to consider starting up again in Fall. I had one child who was ready to go at 3 years old (Late April birthday) and the second, I sent at 4 years old (Late May Birthday), due to a speech delay. We had weekly field trips (i.e. fire station, nature center, zoo, library, etc... ) and we took time out every day to work on art projects, printing the alphabet, building, etc. Both of my children continued to be involved in programs at the library (one hour week) until 1st grade. Either way, the time was right for both of them.

I'm sure it's difficult on you to leave when he's in the throes of a tirade. I know that many of these crying jags usually end quickly, after the parent leaves, although there are some children who really are not mature enough to begin preschool at 3 years old.

Good luck to you.

Talk privately with the day care person about this idea: have your son bring a favorite book or game and make a big deal about how he can take it to day care and share it during circle time or free time. The teacher should give him a sticker or something to validate how special this is. Maybe he can do this every Monday and for the other days you can do something different that is special just between the two of you for him having a great day - tell him you will bring him a special sticker or ask him to draw a special drawing just for you during the day and you can't wait to see it when you pick him up.

Instead of allowing him to give thumbs up whenever he is ready, give him a choice such as asking if he wants to say see you later after he hangs up his coat and picks out a toy to play with or after he hangs up his coat and picks out a book to read. He still has a choice, but he has to make it immediately. And if he stalls on choosing the toy or book, tell him that you will choose it for him if he can't find one by the time you count to 10.

I agree with the other posters that a fast separation is key - and distraction from the teacher needs to be sympathetic yet upbeat and swift! If she isn't already, she needs to be steering him away from you and into something highly personal to him and positive, such as telling him that she needs his special help to pick out markers for coloring or a book for circle, etc. Good luck, mama!

K., I know your agony. I'm a mom of two young girls (5 and 3) and have also worked in daycare (center and at home) for over 10 years. While most children stop crying after just a few minutes, others truly have a hard time. I have found that having a picture of the family/parents, a special note to the child, or a small special box with maybe something special in it works wonders. Your son can leave it in his cubby, or some other appropriate place in the room, and the teachers can help him to use it when he needs it. Each school year, my daughters have a hard time adjusting. It has been several weeks or even a couple of months with my older one. Even in her Kindergarten folder, there is a picture of our family from our last vacation. It's there, just in case. Also, my oldest loved hearts. So, we invested in lots of heart clothing. Your little boy may not be so fond of this, so try conversation hearts. I would give my daughter 1 each morning when she would head out of school and say something like, "remember how much mommy loves you."

Try reading the Kissing Hand and Pocket Full of Kisses by Audrey Penn. Maybe you can find your routine there. They are great books about seperation. I went thru this at 3 and again at 5 with my son. At 3 we just peeled him off and said goodbye. He never cried more that a couple of minutes. I would wait and the director would check for me after 5 minutes. When he was 5 I used a sticker chart with my son. He did not cry he would just cling. I gave him a hug at the door told him I loved him disengaged his arms and nudged him thru the door. Our rule was when his feet hit the tile floor of his room he was officially in school and could not leave! The teacher would take him into the class from the door and if he did that nicely he was given a sticker to put on the chart. So many stickers get him a prize that was given at school. So the reward was connected to school not home or pick up time. This too, shall pass! It is a phase. They will happen often as he grows, and are always connected to some new event or just a shift in how he looks at the world. It's his way of adjusting to the independance that happens in small stages. Good luck to you. Keep him in your prayers and remind him that God is with him even when you are not!

Just to add to something Tammy C said - what helped with my son is emphasizing to him that I always would be back to pick him up after school. He has been in school for two years now (also started when he was 3) and I still need to tell him every day when I drop him off, "Ok, I will see you at 12:00." He needs that reassurance and he is fine.

Kudos to you for being creative and flexible and interested in finding a win-win for you and your son in this situation! I wonder how he might respond if you shift your energy from this being a problem that needs solving- thoughts like 25 minutes is longer than you want to wait, he needs to learn to adjust to this school routine and be independent, maybe even worry about how teachers and other parents might judge you as a pushover, etc- to becoming totally open to meeting his needs in that moment, allowing him to become totally secure in trusting you will be there as long as he needs you without judgment or impatience. He may test and prolong things initially, but as trust grows he will feel more and more comfortable with sending you on your way. If this doesn't happen, I would first make sure your energy is that of true openness and presence (not just trying to manipulate his behavior to achieve your "goal" of a quick, easy separation), but then seriously consider if preschool is where he should be right now and maybe try again in the fall. Three is still awfully young and some children just aren't ready at that age.

Be warned- many parents believe handling separation this way *is* being a pushover and will lead to a child "taking advantage," but I have found that filling my children's cups in this way, allowing separation to happen according to their terms and comfort, has produced authentic and confident independence in them while preserving the trust and connection in our relationship that I hold paramount.

Well, first of all... congrats on not being a big push over! lol

Do you know why he cries when you are leaving him? Is he afraid you will not pick him back up? Or is it he just misses you?

If it is that he misses you... maybe you can go on an "adventure" with him. Take a walk at a forest preserve and find a special rock or something else- make up a special story to go with the item. Tell him to keep it in his pocket and he can touch it and think of you anytime he feels like he needs you after you drop him off at school. Or maybe a book with pictures of the family that he can see just to feel like you are still close... make it with him so he has ownership in it and the magic it will produce.

What do his teachers say happens after you leave? Does he hide in a corner or does he engage in activities with his peers? My guess is as soon as he does not have an audience (even if you are not a push over) he stops within a minute or two!

Good luck helping him conquer this! It may take a bit but it will happen! Blessings to you and yours!