Help with Playing with Neighborhood Children!

They are kids just wanting to play. It was nice of you to invite them in but I would be totally pissed if my kids accepted without my knowing the family very very very well, having been in the house and spending much time with the family. Inside is WAY different than playing in a neutral outdoor common area.

I would have told the kids that they needed to stop ringing the doorbell and then stopped answering it. Otherwise I might have let the kids play on the door entryway area. Where they could be seen outside but off the grassy areas.

I don't think you are wrong at all, to think what they did is rude. BUT, it is also completely within the realm of normal for their ages. They aren't thinking about social niceties and ettiquette. They are thinking that they are bored and want the other little girl to come play with them.
I think you handled it all nicely. Maybe they had gotten permission from their mom to "go ask so & so if they could come over to play"... and that is what they were doing. Or maybe they prefer playing with those other kids and less so with your daughter (I mean kids DO have preferences about these things-- it doesn't make it wrong to FEEL that way)... But they just haven't been taught (or haven't mastered) the art of what is proper and polite and what is not.

So you explaining to them that what they did was not polite, was a service to them. :) Somebody has to teach these things to kids, otherwise they grow up and are STILL behaving impolitely. Maybe mom didn't know what was going on, or maybe she only had part of the information, or maybe she didn't find out until after the fact (when the girls came back and invited your daughter as well)...
I like your idea to say (on future occasions) that the girls are playing right now and will be outside later.

you know, I had to really think about this answer.

1st thought: if parents stayed out of the playing field, most kids would be much happier. I truly believe the 6yo's mom shouldn't have allowed her to come to your house & ask for the 4yo......& that's assuming the mom even knew. & again, the same would hold true for the 8yos. & I'm very aware that I'm guessing the moms got involved.

2nd thought: if you asked the 4yo over, then why didn't you ask the other girls? This whole "pull her away" mentality could have been prevented if you'd taken the time to gather all of the girls together. Maybe those other moms felt left out & allowed their girls to do the dirty work.....

3rd thought: there's quite an age/maturity gap btwn 4 & 8. I truly believe that's part of the overall problem. As these girls mature, the gap will widen. I certainly would question allowing a 10 yo & a 14yo play together.....& 12 vs 16.....no way!!

Soooo, my recommendation would be: embrace life for what it is.....these girls are enjoying each others' company, for now. In a few years, they'll be splittling apart & this will not be an issue. Let them be happy, include all in your plans......& hope that their moms are agreeable! It's so much easier to be "one big happy" than to split apart a community.

I also live in a neighborhood where there are lots of kids playing together and they tend to gravitate toward my house for a variety of reasons, including the fact that I keep an eye on them and give my opinion when necessary. not overpowering, but present.
It is important in this situation not to try to figure out how or why the girls work, but to show them what is right. I will tell some kids they can not come inside if it feels like too many or if the youngers need their own time. the big kids are not always conscious of the youngers and you may need to speak up.
When the other parents are not present, as in my neighborhood, I get to -- and have to -- make the rules. Just speak up as you did, redirect the girls, and don't think about it too hard

I'm just thinking about the fact that their parent(s) MUST have known they were doing this (maybe they were "sending" the kids over to avoid metting you- not in a bad way, but maybe they are a bit timid or busy or something)... and 8 is definitely old enough to know better than to do that stuff.

Not really directly related to the issue at hand, but I'd say it is about time to go and meet everybody's parents. Just go and bring cookies or something and introduce yourself.

What I would say to my four year old about the situation would be "well, it is nice you got to have them over here! Wasn't it nice to play?"

The only neighborhood kids we have are across the street and they are a few years older than my four and like to play video games inside all the time. Then down the road a bit we have the shyest mom on the planet who keeps her only child (who is in-between two of my daughter's ages), VERY busy with a million activities... so, it's kinda nice your child has neighborhood friends- definitely an added bonus!

I think it's kind of hard to do play dates separately when all the kids live in the same complex & frequently play with each other & not have some hurt feelings along the way. While you may think it's not nice to "steal" your daughter's playmate away, the other girls might've also been hurt because they were not originally included in the play date. However, not everyone is going to be able to (or want to) play all together, and that's okay, too.

Situations like this are going to happen, and your child is going to have to learn how to cope. She is 4, not a baby, and it's the perfect time now to teach her that not everyone is nice & that it has no bearing on her or her likability. It's the perfect opportunity to teach her how to handle herself in hard social situations.

That would annoy the heck out of me! The very fact that the kids are coming to your door asking to talk to a guest in your home is just weird! Maybe when they do that you can say "Sally is playing with my daughter Jane right now, can I give her a message from you?" Constant interuptions do not make for a fun playdate! Another idea, if there is a child that your daughter likes in particular maybe you could invite her (with her parents permission of course) to go somewhere outside the appartment complex like on a hike or to a park or out to lunch or whatever. It can be hard to make friends in a group, esspecially at a young age. Preschool aged children do best with on-on-one playdates. Group activities are great too, but it is harder and takes more emotional maturity than most 4 year olds have to make everyone feel included.

What seems rude to us, doesn't to kids, even 8 year olds. They just haven't developed that much understanding yet.
You mention that they said they aren't allowed to play at your place and that you haven't met the parent's yet. I would make it a point to go to their house and meet those parents. In my opinion, unless you know the other parents and they know you, the children need to not be going into each other's houses, but play together on the common play area where all parents are able to monitor their children. I'm glad your daughter said 'no' to their request that she go to their house.
The best answer I can give is that you do take the time and make the effort, even with the language difficulties, to get well enough acquainted with the parents that you can better deal with the various difficulties that are bound to come up when children are playing together.

I agree that it is rude, but the kids need to learn this lesson- I am sure they are not trying to be rude. I think if the other girls come knocking (especially if they don't ask for your daughter), you should just tell them that the friends are palying with your daughter right now and to come back later (or something like that). Maybe setting a time limit for playdates to explain to your daughter "After an hour and a half of playing, your friends might want to go play somewhere else." or something like that. I think what you explained is very common and not intended to hurt anyone's feelings... go easy! and good luck!