To Ignore or Not to Ignore

At 10 years old you should not ignore it. If it's minor, you can ignore it, but when she's flat out verbally abusive, tell her firmly: "You will NOT talk to me like that!!" and then put her in her room, take something away, etc. Give her some quick consequences that mean something to her. Don't argue or say anything more about it.

This is a situation that calls for less talk and more action. You don't want her growing up bratty. If you're consistent, you ought to be able to nip this in the B. pretty quickly.

I'm practicing realistic consequences.

"You know honey, when you talk to me rudely and disrespectfully, it doesn't make want to help you." Then the next few times she asks for something, a ride to something, computer time, help getting a snack... tell her you don't really feel like helping her, since she's been so mean to you. Maybe tomorrow if things go better. My daughter (7) begs and pleads and promises to be nicer. And I calmly say, we'll try again tomorrow.

I think it's working. Sometimes, I'll say... "Do you REALLY want to talk to me that way? Think about it. Let me walk out of the room and walk back in and see if you can think of a different way to talk to me." And suddenly she's sugar and spice.

R.,
When my daughters started doing this I sent then to their rooms and told them when they choose to speak to me or us like a person they can come out, until then I can't hear them. My niece tried the "there is nothing you can do to make me want to clean up my room" for years. My SIL let her do it too. Then she wanted to go get her liscence, My SIL finally put her foot down and said "there is nothing you can do that makes me want to take you to the DMV" Boy did that change my neices mind on how she would behave!!!One word of caution, I made the mistake of raising my voice, bad choice on my part. They either go running, or start yelling back. Keep it neutral when ever possible.
W. M.

I have an 11 year old daughter, so I know the life you live! When my daughter comes home in a "mood" as we call it, and treats me badly, I make her do something totally out of the ordinary to shake her system and get some of the frustration out and then we try the conversation again.

Some things I've done to calm her down:
Run around the house without your jacket
Go up and down the stairs backwards
Walk across the room on your knees (holding your ankles with your hands up by your butt).
Blindfold her and make her find her way somewhere (making sure she doesn't go near a stairway or stove, etc)
Fold clothes one-handed

If it's first thing in the morning, I've made her go back to her room, get back into bed (fully dressed), pull the covers up over her head, wait for 2 minutes and then get up and start the day again.

They're all silly things that help calm her down and vent some of her anger / frustration, so afterwards we can talk in a more civilized manner. I've also sometimes insisted that we talk sitting on the floor back to back (not looking at each other). I think tweens like the shock looks they can achieve on Mom's face.

I'm sorry to hear about your dealings with your daughter. I read a great book called Have a New Kid By Friday. It's a quick read and it has great advice to help you keep your cool while changing your tweens behavior.

Do you ever have a chance to watch "Super Nanny"? She says sit them down and tell them, without discussion, how you feel about the behaviour, then make a chart: These words equals this punishment - for example, "No" or "I don't want to" equals No phone for a day. "You're stupid" (or some familiar insult) equals no phone for two weeks. Then, stick to the punishment. Put the chart where everyone can see it. Then, when a bad behaviour occurs, show her the chart and say "okay, this is your punishment". Of course, with TV magic and time lapse, super Nanny makes it look easy :)

Don't ignore. Walking away, immediate consequences and letting her know that you don't want to be around someone who is disrespectful (even your own child) are all good. I think all children need to learn that bad behavior makes them a less desirable companion, someone people don't want to be around.

Rudeness and back talk should not be ignored. You are teaching her the skills she needs to be a successful, well liked adult that can "cope" under life's daily stresses. Immediate consequences for back talk need to be implemented.
When she's getting frustrated while doing homework, have her walk away from it for 5 minutes and "shake it off" by jumping rope or something like that. Evaluate the times that she gets mouthy, is it the only way she gets heard? She probably learned the behavior at school and on TV, I cant believe the rude family shows that are on these days. Maybe there is a particular program on TV that she is mimicking... you can block that show until she gets on track and realizes that treating her mom rudely is not okay.

I also have a 10 year old girl that is doing the same thing. Each time she talks back when i am helping with homework I get up and walk away. IF she continues she ends up in her room until she can apologize and work nicely with those around her. Sometimes it takes her a while and others she gets it quickly and returns to he work. If we are just hanging out playing and she starts with an attitude she goes to her room. I have found that this has worked for us. it hasn't stopped her behavior all together but it has helped. Sometimes having her make the mistakes on her own by walking away she also starts getting what i have been saying to her and she apologizes. Good Luck.

This is such a tough age with girls at school. I would let her know it is not o.k. to talk to you like that. I think if you allow it now it will just get worse as she gets older. I recommend the book "Queen Bees & Wannabes".

I don't allow backtalk or rudeness at all and my kids know it. When they have tried it, I let them know it is NOT OK to talk to me or any adult like that. If that doesn't work, I tell them how it makes me feel and ask them how they would like it if I talked to them like that. I have also had the experience of more rudeness when stuff is going on at school and I take time to acknowledge that I know they are having a rough time, we'll sit down and talk about what's going on so I can support them in resolving their issues AND I also let them know that regardless of what's going on in school, they need to be respectful at home.

My girls are now 13 and 12 and they are both VERY well behaved (95% of the time) and we have an open relationship. My 13 year old tells me everything, even stuff that I cringe at, but I'm glad she's talking and she knows I will stand by her and help her in whatever way I can (she's dealt with some pretty rough stuff in her life.) I have seen a few teens who are disrespectful to their parents and it has a negative impact in every area in their lives because their parents don't set clear boundaries and teach them the importance of being respectful (in my humble opinion.) I would advise to stop it now before it gets worse in the teen years.

I don't know of any books specifically around backtalk, but "Queen Bees and Wannabes" might help you understand and deal with her issues at school (assuming the issues are social related.) I do know that all the research I have done around childhood / human development has taught me to have clear boundaries and standards. If she learns it's OK to be rude to you, she will have a rude awakening as she finds out that being rude won't get you very far out there in the "real world."

Good Luck!

Hi R.. My daughter is prone to having fits. I try to, every day on the way home from school, to talk to her about her day. I ask if anything good happened, anything bad, etc. That way she gets it out and decompresses rather than waiting and keeping it in... which will then cause her to blow. Take care, C.

Kids need to know they are 'safe' at home to express themselves, and I always told my kids that I would rather they take out their frustrations on me and their dad than to show it in public. Having said that, it is your job to teach her how to be respectful to everyone... and that respect has to start with you. Help her learn ways to express her frustrations that aren't abusive toward you, and let her know that you will accept how she's feeling and try to help her as long as she's respectful in how she shares things. You do want her to remain open to sharing with you about the social problems she may have at school, but that is exactly what you need... sharing those things, not taking them out on you.

I watch my daughter deal with her six year old (who has had a simlar problem almost since she learned to talk.. She's six going on twenty!) When her little girl gets abusive with her language toward adults or other children, my daughter simply tells her she needs to find a nicer way to re-phrase what she's just said. If the girl continues to be abusive with her talk, my daughter takes her aside and has a long talk with her until she settles down. She is calm and gentle but firm with her handling of the situation, but often expresses verbally that it makes her quite angry for her daughter to act that way. Slowly, but surely we are seeing progress. The inappropriate outbursts have dwindled from several times a day to now only a time or two during a week, and she calms down much more quickly when first spoken to about them.

Ah joy. Feel your pain, I have an 11 year old that has perfected the look of death. The good thing is they DO grow out of it. =)
You are going to have to be firm. WHEN things are calm you need to sit down with her with a list of rules, chores and consequences. You and your husband need to talk about this before you talk to her. Be willing to bend SLIGHTLY about some of it but make it understood, this is the way it is, it will be posted, you will stick to it.
Here are some examples;
Friday-

Empty your trash can.
Strip and remake your bed.
Take your dirty clothes and sheets to the laundry room.
Pick up all toys and put them away.
Dust all surfaces, this includes night stand, dresser and desk. Clean your mirror.
Vacuum.
Tidy up your closet.
Do all homework, get it signed and put in your backpack.

Sunday-

Bathroom

Empty trash can.
Put away brushes, toys...anything that does not belong.
Clean mirror and wipe down counter. Check toothbrush holder, if icky put in dishwasher.
Put dirty towels in the laundry area.
Wipe out tub.
Swoosh out toilet, wipe down seats and base. Wipe up the floor.
Check shampoo, toilet paper, wipes, soap. Let Mum know if you are running low on anything.
Hang clean towels.
Check and empty all 11 household trash cans in the outside trash bin.

Daily chores:

Morning-

Make your bed.
Get dressed, put away your PJs.
Tidy your room
Turn out your light!
Eat breakfast, cleaning up after yourself which includes cereal boxes, bowls in the dishwasher, etc.
Brush your teeth and comb your hair.
Get ready to get out the door by 6:50am with your backpack and sweater.

Evening-

When you come home from school grab a fast snack.
Child A. check the mailbox and put mail on the kitchen counter.
Do all your homework, put it on Dad's desk or give to me to be signed and put it back in your backpack.
Do evening chores- Child A. feed the dogs and set the table for dinner. Child B. clear the table after dinner, put dishes in the dishwasher,
do handwash, wipe down counter and table, wipe out sink, rinse/squeeze out washclothe.
Take a shower and brush your teeth.
Put dirty clothes in the clothes basket and pick up toys.
Double check that you are ready for the next day- meaning clothes put out, shoes and backpack by the chair.
In bed by 9:00pm.
Turn out the light! Sleep tight!

Child B.(older child)

Rewards-

$5.00 allowance a week.
Choice of reasonable activity for the weekend.
Morning TV.

Infractions and punishments-

Not doing what you need to do daily - no TV or computer next day at all.
Not doing what you need to do for 3 out of 7 days - no allowance.
Rude behavior- no TV or computer, early bedtime.

Child A. (younger child using green, yellow, red dots for each chore)

Rewards-

All greens for the day, a treat to be determined by Mom and Dad.
15 Greens for the week, a special treat from Mom and Dad.
$3.00 allowance a week.
Choice of reasonable activity for the weekend.

Infractions and punishments-

Not doing what you need to do daily - no TV or computer next day.
Not doing what you need to do for 4 out of 7 days - no allowance.
Rude behavior - no TV or computer, early bedtime.
All yellows for the day, no tv.

Bedtime is 8:00pm for B, 9:00pm for A.

1 hour of TV or computer weekdays. 3 hours weekends.

We posted these where both children could see them. Btw, this has gone through 7 of our 8 kids (8th lived with mom) and the younger kids know that when they get to a certain age the responsibilities change. This set of "rules" were made for our 7 and 11 year olds. Each child has chores, responsibilities and privilege according to their age. It isn't alway perfect but it has worked well for us.
Do not let your daughter get away with being rude. Take away privilege that you have agreed to first, if she continues the same behavior you can advance to something more serious, like taking all her toys out of her room, or leaving her with two outfits to wear to school. Believe me, she will come around fast.
Talk to her. Find out what is bugging her. Sometimes kids are rude when they have other things going on in their lives and they just can't articulate it. The best kind of parent is firm, demands respect, listens and demonstrates a loving attitude. It's hard but it is over SO fast! Just try to remember how fast your 1 year old grew up. =) Soon you will be watching her walk down the aisle on her wedding day and wonder if this age was that big a deal. Good luck!

Ignoring bad behavior send the message that you don't care. Of course you care! She should know that her mom cares about how she turns out. She NEEDS you to care.

Sometimes lip comes from us being lippy ourselves to our kids, sometimes it comes from nutrition issues and not enough good foods, sometimes it comes from passive parenting when kids are young. We all probably are guilty of all three.

For discipline I used the book: Shepherding A Child's Heart, By Tedd Tripp.

I can suggest some nutrition support. Aggression can be caused by dehydration-definitely, caffeine, or magnesium/vit b complex deficiency. Decreasing dairy can help with increasing magnesium stores. We use B complex liquid drops under the tounge and also we use magnesum malate or magnesium citrate along with magnesium oil daily on the skin. When I or my DD is crabby I can many times trace it back to not enough water intake. Soda, coffee, and juice act as diretics and deplete water. Equal amounts of water must be drank to replace them.

Thinking back to age 10 is about the time my son started puberty and he was the child from hell until 14.

Maybe she is testing the waters to see what she can get away with. You definitely cannot ignore this. She needs to have you call her on this and if she continues to act this way, you need to have some sort of punishment for her. I'm sure she will grow out of it eventually but if you let it go it, it will only get worse and blossom into other problems.

Check out the book Positive Discipline for Teenagers. I highly recommend this series.

I can tell you the one thing my parents did not tolerate was rudeness. My brother, who is adored by his 3 grown sons -- they even love to hang out with him, absolutely drew the line at rudeness and he says his kids loved him more for keeping them in line. Don't ignore it. Get it under control, make sure there are consequences, etc. A useful book is "123 magic -- discipline for kids from 2 to 12".

Try "Have a New Kid by Friday" by Dr.Kevin Leman. I haven't read it, but saw him on a few morning shows, and have heard a lot about the book. Seems to work. Of course, you have to read the book, and implement his plan, which may take time...

Good Luck!

As a family therapist, here's what I would suggest. First, use a good, strong 'I message' 'Honey, I feel really angry when you talk to me like that. In future, I wish you would (say please/not call me names/whatever you would prefer-- be specific here).' If she doesn't listen a starts on you again, say, 'OK, that's enough-- go to your room for 10 minutes.' Set a timer so you don't have to listen to, 'Can I come out yet?'

I would not ignore it! Ask her if she would appreciate you taking your problems out on her. Ask her how that would make her feel if you were snooty with her. Put the ball back in her court. Make her think and then tell her that if she continues to be rude and abusive then she will just need to sit in her room by herself with no radio, TV, cell phone, etc. and think about what she can do to change the way she is treating her family. Then after that if she does it again the next day, tell her "oh I'm sorry...I couldn't hear you over your abusive tone...can you try again in a more respectful tone?"
I hope that this works!!! Good luck with your daughter!
~S.~

I agree with Linda M. My daughter is only three and a half, but a while back she started growling and making rude noises if I said something she didn't like or was asking her to do something she didn't want to do. When she was younger, I would use redirection, but it stopped having the same effectiveness. So, I figured she was ready to learn consequences. If she is rude or mean to me, I warn her: "That is not how you treat another person. Do it again and I will leave." If she does it again, I say, "It's not OK to treat Mommy like that," and I leave. She runs after me, but I remind her, "You treated Mommy badly and that's not OK. I don't want to be around people who are mean to me." At this age, I'll come back to her if she apologizes, but if she does it again, I make her wait longer before I come back. And a third time gets her a time-out in her room. It does seem to be working. With a 10-year-old, it seems Linda's technique would be the way to go. It might not work the way you want it to immediately, but after a while, she'd get the picture. Good luck!!!

My son is just 2 so I dont know much from experience about this. I would not ignore it and see how to deal with it. Maybe read "Unconditional parenting" by Alfie Kohn. Good luck.

http://www.alfiekohn.org/up/index.html