Angel Outside the Home Not So Much at Home.

A.,

I dont know if this will help but i am a 24 year old single mother also. My daughter used to try the same thing and I would argue back and forth with her and repeat myself over and over again. I tried something new so maybe this will help you. When I would ask her to do something I only told her once and if she did not do it than i gave her to the count of three if still nothing than i took her by the hand and made her do it. The same way with cleaning up her room if she does not do it the first time i ask than i pick up her toys stick them in a bag and she is not allowed to play with them. With the talking back I would put her nose in the corner and she could not come out until she apologized and told me why she was in the corner. Now i only have a problem with her when she is tired so maybe this will help you.

Good luck,
If you have any more questions feel free to email me at ____@____.com

My daughter never gets in trouble at school, but does experience time outs at home. My mom says that's normal - they test the boundries at home but show their manners outside the home. Good behavior outside the home just shows that what you're doing is working!

Now you just need to cut down on the arguing for your own sanity. Show who is boss by not putting up with it/arguing back with him. You don't want him to argue/talk back to you, but that's what you're doing to him - so he's just doing what he sees.

Using your example of closing the door, I'd do something like this: X, I asked you to close the door. If he still says no, then I count to 3. If I reach 3 and the door is still not closed, he's put in time out for not minding.

On not taking no for an answer - you must remember to be firm. If you say no and then change your answer to yes to quit the arguing, then he's learned that he can argue with you until you give in. Stay firm. Just keep saying "I've already said no. My answer will not change." However, I've realized that sometimes I say no because I'm too tired to play a game, read book, go for walk, or whatever is being asked. So I have to be careful on how I answer because I have to stick with the answer too!

Good luck,
J.

My two oldest boys are the same way. I am so glad they are good when we are out....but, it would be nice if this continued at home. The one thing I have noticed that helps is responsibility....when they think they are helping they are so good. If I say "hey buddy can you please help me out with "fill in the blank"" 99% of the time they will jump to help and usually be eager to continue on with other stuff. Good luck. C.

Sounds like you have a very inteligent little man who knows his own mind & wants to be respected. My lil' guy is almost 5 & when ever I try traditional parenting techniques I run into a brick wall. However when I discuss things with him, ask his opinion, am willing to comprimise, rephrase demands as requests, and allow him to make decisions he is capable of making, I have a delightfull little boy instead of a monster. My son also does better knowing what is expected of him prior to an event occuring. Similarly when I explain why we have rules he not only abides by them, but in public will try & convince other children that they are being unasafe or such when he sees them doing something he knows we do not allow. Recently we went to a parade & he was very upset by the little girl next to us who stood well out into the street & ran up very close to the floats & such. He told her that Halloween was soon & she would be getting lots of candy, that the cars were dangerous & she needed to stay closeto her Mom. I realized that he truly listens to me after that.

My advice is this: Consistency is the key to most, if not all, discipline situations. I am facing the same problems with my daughter, who will be 3 next month, but it is expected with her due to the stage in her development. Kids are always testing their boundaries. Partly to see how much they can get away with, but also to make sure that you're going to stick around. If you tell him yes to something, make sure you don't turn around and tell him no tomorrow about the same thing. Such as, you let him jump on the couch yesterday. Today you tell him not to jump on the couch. This confuses kids. Also, I avoid arguing with my daughter. If I tell her to do something, she is going to do it, or go in time out. There's no negotiation, and absolutely no arguing. If she tells me no, then I start to count. When I get to 3, she either needs to do what I've asked her to do, or go into time out. She goes in time out for two minutes (we do 1 minute for every year of age), then she gets the chance to do what I asked to begin with. If she still refuses, she goes back into time out. We've had a few rough days where she spends a lot of time in time out. Those mainly happen after she's visited my mother. Typically it only takes me a day to get her back to her usual routine. I don't give her the chance to argue with me. There are times that I have to physically pick her up and put her in time out, but she knows that that is our system of discipline. The same goes for talking back. Every now and then she tries to scold me the way that I scold her when she's in trouble, but that only results in more time out. I hope that our system gives you some ideas! Good luck!

My daughter is 7 and is wonderful outside of home and with everyone else. At 90% of the time she is great as well. she fights everynight to go to bed, and I mean a fight. We have tivo at my house and when she acts bad I delete her shows. Maybe if he has a favorite movie try taking something away. I am a single mom of two so its hard to do all of this especially at night when its bed time. I wish you luck. It will get better.

you are the adult........he has no respect for you. you have either let him treat you like this for a long time or he is testing you. don't baby him....a lot of people think its just a phase......but as old as he is its not a phase....... he knows what he is doing. if he won't shut the door of turn off a light grab him by the hand and make him do it..........you are the parent, you are the adult. you are raising your child to become a respectful adult, even if it means making him do things he doesn't want to do. i see children now days that make me want to slap their parents........ stand up and make your kid one of those kids that make other parents jealous......... all it takes is a little bit of time and effort...........

Don't argue with him...just ignore him and go to another room if you have to. If you give him the attention by arguing with him he will keep doing it. Give him tons of praise for the good things he does or good behavior and he will strive to please you and reduce the amount of arguing and bad behavior when he finds out the good behavior gets the attention and the bad doesn't. But you have to follow through with not acknowledging the bad behavior. Good luck.

Hi A., I am a mom of 3 grown kids & have 2 g-kids, so I have been thru alot raising kids as a single mom. I found if you argue with them, it gives them the idea they can get what they want, eventually.Things are so different nowdays, when my g-kids are with me,I tell them,I will count to 3 and if you "choose" not to do it, then you find yourself in time out.Giving them a choice makes them responsible for the results. Once you decide something, don't give in no matter what.Kids are very smart and they are quick to remind you of something you said or did.Your son is apparently trying to see who is in control.I have watched the nanny show and she is very good at what she does.Good luck, B.

Sounds just like my daughter! Her teachers and every other adult would describe her as an angel, helpful, thoughtful caring... She gets straight A's and excels at everything she tries. People would say at least she only acts like this at home, true, but so stressful! She has ADD and was diagnosed with ODD. Oppositional Defiance Disorder. ODD can get pretty bad if not controlled early on! Most of the responses have addressed rules, consequences and consistency in one way or another, it's hard but well worth the effort in the long run.
She was also diagnosed with depression about a year later. She is nearly 12, doing great, not perfect but, great! You might just look up some info on ODD.

You probably already know this but at age 5 time out is the way to go. 1 minute for each year. Let him know that when certain things happen he will go to time out for 5 minutes, you gotta have a timer. Restart the timer if he doesn't cooperate aat first. Time out should be somewhere not too comfortable, like a hard chair in the dining room or kitchen. You shouldn't talk with them during this time, he should know this up front too. No toys, no tv... After the time is up ask them why they were in time out? If he doesn't remember or won't answer, that's fine, tell him and go on. Maybe this might help.

Well then you need to nip that in the rear right now!! Sounds like he is walking all over you, and you must be letting him or he would not do it. Especially if he is fine at school and every where else. I used to send my children to their room all the time for stuff like that too, but when I got remarried my husband had a great idea, he sits them at the dining room table and they hate that. When they go to their rooms there is all kinds of stuff to do in there!! :)Not at the kitchen table. You just have to start taking things away from him things he likes to do, video games-whatever it may be and let him earn them back. Maybe you could start some sort of behavior chart for him stickers for the days he was good and for earning a few stickers each week he would earn something small (going for ice cream, happy meal at McDonalds-whatever that maty be) and for all good days something big (miniature golf, a movie, zoo, etc.) Hope this helps! Good luck to you!

I just posted a response on a similar topic, so I'll just copy and paste what I wrote on the other, it sounds like it could do you a lot of good, you sound just like how my daughter and I were. I needed to be back in the parental postion too, and thanks to this technique, I am.

"I have a 4 yr old daughter that is very high tempered and I found myself wanting to pull my hair out. I tried time out, screaming, trying to reason with her, taking toys away, everything we could think of. I then went to a psychologist to see if they could suggest anything and they suggested a book "1-2-3 Magic" by Thomas W. Phelan Ph.D. It's a different approach to the whole time out thing. It's working wonders with my daughter. It takes a whole lot of discipline from yourself as the parent though. It's kind of like the whole "I'm going to count to 3 then it's time out" except that you can't talk or show emotion to the child when you count. There's a little more to it than just that though. I know it sounds like it wouldn't work, but if you keep with it and stay firm it works. It puts the parent back into the drivers seat. I highly recommend you get the book and read it, if you can stick with it, it will work. I have read the book and have been using this technique myself, so if you have any questions you can email me. ____@____.com "

You are not alone here, I used to have the same problem with my son. One thing I noticed that I needed to change as a parent was the fact that I would ask my son to do things over and over again. This never should have happened! You are the mother and what you say goes. By not showing consequences to actions, such as not following directions or being mouthy, it makes the child think that his behavior is tolerable because you won't do anything other than tell him again. As a parent, sometimes it is just as easy for us to argue back and forth with our child. I used to raise my voice to my child but again this wasn't effective because in his eyes, I was just "bluffing". Keep a calm tone to your voice and ask twice, no more than that. If that doesn't work it is time to take away priveliges. No TV, no radio, no video games-just sitting in their room. After this it is important to talk to your child so that they understand why the privileges were lost and why their behavior was unacceptable. This silent time also gives you the opportunity to settle down and collect your thoughts. Don't tell them though, ask HIM questions so he has to respond.

This may sound horrible, but when my older daughter would smart off to me... she got vinegar in her mouth. I'm not talking alot... I rubbed my finger on the lid and put it in her mouth. She had to sit with it in her mouth before she could rinse it out. Needless to say, my kids do not talk back. Even my little one who only saw her sister have that done, knows how horrible it must be. She hasn't had it once and I haven't had a problem with her at all.

(This is not to say my kids are perfect... trust me, I have issues as all moms do.) This just nipped the talking back in the bud! And quickly too!!!

~K.