I'm looking for a little advice on my 3 year old. First of all, she is a very strong willed, independent girl who is adament on doing everything by herself, including making her own decisions (or so she thinks!) She is getting very good at manipulating, asking mommy and when I say no, going and asking daddy, etc. We have tried to set very strong limits and have used time outs, etc. for discipline. She does respond well to time outs, and afterwards will go and apologize to whom ever for what she is in time out for. But hours later, she does the same thing again. And again, and again. I don't feel like the time outs work well in the long run. We have major problems with cartoons, cleaning up toys, listening, talking back.
1. I have no problem with her watching some cartoons during the day. We usually watch PBS, Nick Jr or Sprout. I wanted to start some sort of TV limit with her so that cartoons aren't her main focus, but a treat. I've read about doing TV time tokens and once they are gone, they are gone. I'm not sure if she is old enough to grasp this concept?? She will ask for cartoons to be put on the minute she wakes up, gets home, etc.
2. When she plays, she loves to take everything out, put it in various bags/carts and play. That is fine, but flat out refuses to clean anything up. Any ideas on this? I feel like I spend all my waking hours cleaning our house!
3. The talking back........any solutions to this? I've tried taking toys aways, etc. but she doesn't care....doesn't work for her.
My husband and I would like to start a new routine for the new year, but aren't sure what to do. Our son is almost 15 months, so we would like to start a new routine and ba able to stick with it with him also.
We both do work, my husband full time, myself part time, so our routine/disciplines have to be a little flexible at times.
Thanks for all your suggestions in advance!!
It sounds like she really enjoys her TV time, maybe if she back talks and doesn't help clean up then you should take away TV privileges until she agrees to help clean up etc. Each disciplinary action should be focused around what each child responds to. I really enjoy the MAGIC 123 program, you may want to look into it.
I have a 20 mo and a 3 yo. Cleaning is always an issue but here's what worked for me.
1. Get everyone (even the 15 mo) together in the messiest place and do a quick overview yourself. What is the predominant mess? (Puzzles, blocks, dolls, etc...) Assign EACH kid a "type" of cleaning (i.e. 15 mo has to put all blocks away, 3 yo has to pick up all the puzzles, you pick up all dolls, etc.) Challenge them to find ALL the pieces the QUICKEST. Give them baskets to carry around to collect their clean up stuff. Pour on the praise for whomever goes along with this plan. Also make sure the kiddos can reach wherever things belong. Finally to make thing easier for everyone, take pictures of the toys and print pics out on labels to label shelves and bins so even 15 mo can see where things belong.
2. SO what do you do if they don't buy into this? No worries, mate. You don't help, you need to get out of the way so we can finish and therefore, you'll stay in the time out spot or go to bed early.
3. If they dawdle, give them the choice of hurrying up or "you won't have time for such and such" (TV, extra story at bed, etc.) USE her TV addiction to your advantage!
No ideas on the sassy mouth. Working on that one myself...
Hope this helps!
:-)
jen
Hi J.,
Let me start with I raised one child already and did so with a different form of discipline, in different times. I had very little problem with my day to day requests of her and she is a perfectly good, healthy, strong willed, independent woman...for those who feel spankings are harmful.
As for my 4 year old, she went through a lot of that at 3 and I felt very similar to you. The house was a mess, she made the mess, her mouth was a bit sassy, and she loved TV, but she was up to par with all milestones and above average in the class at school. I found that she was participating in cleaning at school and got along just fine.
So, I think there is a lot to do with the comforts we naturally provide to your children. For instance, the 4 year old would ask for what ever she needed at school without a problem, no problems being shy, but at home, she would ask me to speak for her when it came to a stranger trying to converse with her. She is capable, but I provide her the comfort so she leans on me. I had to think back to how I did it with the older one. If we were out and she wanted another carton of milk, I would hand her the money and tell her to go to the counter and ask for it, hand them the money and they will hand her a carton of milk and some money back. My older one is sooo independent and has no issue with finding the words to say to anyone on her level or up the hierarchy in the work place. She took me to her holiday dinner and I watched her carry on with everyone all the way up to the VP, as if they were "on her level".
I feel if we put something in front of them and they want it, they can have it. It is within their reach and they can get it themselves. They may have to work for it, but they can have it. So your token ideas are perfect. She will understand that the token is her goal to get to what she wants. Just make sure hubby and you are on the same page and it will work.
As for the toys, it is now routine that we don't go upstairs until the toys are picked up. Upstairs, there is a warm shower waiting for her, a glass of n'night milk, a bed time story, and a few minutes of snuggling with whoever read the story to her. A very special and intimate (one on one) time for her. So the routine in it works for my little one, provided she is not too tired, so we start early.
As for talking back, I warn a lot of times with a stern look to me, and then one day I without warning will give a little pop on the mouth and surprise her. Then I tell her she has been warned plenty of times not to talk to me that way and now she knows. That probably only happens once in every 3 months, as she knows my warnings are valid. The pop on the mouth doesn't have to be anything more than a quick tap to startle them. A pop on the bottom does nothing but make her giggle and do it again.
I think this is all a stage in your little ones life, but it seems a good time to create the next level for her and show her how big of a helper she can become when she helps pick up the toys. At four, we have moved on to the organizing stages. There are no more toy boxes here, but containers and shelves for everything to have it's place. I don't think it would have worked sooner.
As well, some nights we come home from school/work and we don't turn on the TV. If she asks I just tell her to grab a pretty picture to color and let me see her work. She is perfectly happy.
Best of luck and be patient.
READ Parenting With Love & LOgic, and look for FREE classes in it at local schools & churches.
Hi J.,
The problem with many behavior modification type program solutions is that they do not address the root of a behavior.
Fortunately some child development folks have recognized this and offered up some better ideas.
Anything that takes a more long-term look at kids and behavior is worth a shot. Developing good decision-making skills without an adult hovering is something to strive for.
Proactive Parenting website might be worth a look. How to Talk so Kids will Listen is a good book as well. There are more....can't list all now.
Good luck!
As far as putting things away, teach her what you mean by "clean up:" books on the shelf, stuffed things in the toybox or whatever. Then, after play time I'd tell her, "If I put it away, I'll put it somewhere I need it, not in your room. You won't get it back for (decide amount of time - I'd say a week. Any less time, and it won't truly inconvenience her)." Then, when clean up time comes and she refuses, calmly and quietly gather her things and hide them in a closet or attic where she can't find them. When you give them back, remind her that they'll disappear again unless SHE cleans them up. Keep it up until she's sure it will happen this way every time. Hang in there.
Dear J.,
Well have you heard of the terrible twos, well we had the horrendous threes in our home. My daughter too was the oldest and by far wanting to be the more independent. "I want to do it, I can do it myself, I don't want help", the whole nine yards!
She too would love to get out every toy and not want to clean anything up. Sesame Street was her show that she loved to watch and it was what she wanted all the time. I miss the old days when cartoons and certain shows were only on in the morning or afternoon, not all day long.
We had tv time limits and she did have to earn them. She is not too young to have a limit set, earning that time might be harder for her to understand at this age.
As far as clean up, we had most of her toys in our family room because that is where we spent most of the time. And I spent most of the time cleaning up each day. Finally I had an idea, I pulled 1/2 or more of the toys out of the family room and put them on shelves in her closet. I would do a rotation so it seemed like a new toy every couple of months. Cleanup time was a breeze. Now getting them to help with the cleanup is always a little difficult. You need to get down to her level and talk to her. Let her know that you and her need to work together to clean up the toys. She most definiely cannot fathom doing it all by herself, she will still need your help. If she doesn't want to help, those toys need to be put up too and her tv time is off. Just discuss it with her and not demand it of her or a huge battle of self will will ensue. Good luck! My daughter is now 15 and I long for those easy days.
~~D.
