Stuborn 4 Yr Old

This is all perfectly normal developmentally. Kids act up starting at the half year, leading to their bday. I have a 3.75 year old at my house, that was the sweetest, most cooperative sweetheart in the world. He is now yelling, barking orders and being generally unpleasant.

I find asking him to try again works. I also ask him if tantrums have worked in the past, and he usually stops and finds a nice voice. As I see it, my role is to help him pull himself together when the world isn't doing what he wants. Its also my job to give him lots of choices so he feels empowered. My little guy is now in charge of collecting garbage from the bedrooms and bringing the cans to the kitchen. He loves it. He also is learning to use the vacuum. Again, he loves it. He loves stripping his bed and helping wash his sheets, etc.

When he talks to you in ways you don't like, ask for a nice voice or ignore. He will quickly find his normal voice. With that said, there is something serious developmentally going on, so lots of cuddles and loving smiles, and lots of activities that make him feel empowered. And lots and lots of choices. Prevent power struggles, as that is what he is looking for to feel empowered.

From the way it sounds (and I could be wrong, but getting it from when you talked about barking orders at him and he used to ask you to talk to him nicely) is that you are trying to establish in him that you are mom, he is child, he is to do what you say when you say it. I think you need to actually try to develop a real relationship with him. He doesn't want to show you respect because it is forced and he is crying out for you to show him more real love and good attention, not just attention when he is acting out. When you have established that, he will WANT to please you.
Understand, he is only 4. You can't expect him to automatically know how you want him to act. And trial and error, (meaning he does wrong, gets in trouble but isn't shown how to act right, so he acts wrong again and gets in trouble again) can cause kids to have a melt down. Start working with him HOW you want him to act, not just tell him not to act badly, show him how to act good. It's like if you get a new job and on the very first day you are put in front of the computer with no training. And every time you hit a wrong button you are chastised at how you are doing wrong. Wouldn't you scream out 'Just train me how to do it right!' That's what your boy is doing.
Try reading KEEP YOUR SANITY: TEACH THEM TO CLEAN. The techniques in that book can be used on behavior as well.

Well, you can choose to believe your four year old is playing you or you can choose to believe that he is doing the best that he can for who he is at this point in his life. Neither approach will make him into a little angel, but it will certainly color your relationship with him. I chose to believe my son was doing the best he could and it was my job to help him acquire the tools he needed to obtain his needs and wants in a socially acceptable manner. It makes a HUGE difference in how you view the interaction when you work from the perspective that you and the child are on the SAME team.

You are seeing why time outs and punishments are generally ineffective tools. You will end up in an 'arms war' with your child that is essentially a zero sum game. My son is almost eight and while he is not perfect, he is a generally polite, well behaved, outgoing and empathetic child. He has never been punished, been in a time out, had a 'consequence' or had his toys taken away.

At four, your son is a reasoning being with limited impulse control. He is old enough to understand why he should or shouldn't do certain behaviors. The reason to (for example) not bang the cabinets is NOT that he will get punished. The reason is that you need to keep your pots in them and you need them to work/not be broken. Why is he (again example) banging on the cabinets? Ask him. Perhaps he likes the noise - take him outside and make some noise together. Perhaps he is frustrated that he can't get his lego robot to stay together. Give him better tools (words, counting to relieve frustration) to cope with his anger. Perhaps he knows he will get attention - give him better ways to get that attention - coming over and asking for a hug or to be read to.

Check out the "Love and Logic" books, seminars or website. Saved us.

He is your 4 yr old lawyer. They negotiate, manipulate and use power plays all day long. They don't tire of it. That's typical 4 yr old.

Mostly, just keep up what you are doing till he out grows it at 5! I loved when both my boys were 5. Live for 5!

You need more social interaction in your day. Do you work outside the home? Do you have a play group? Sometimes play dates are your best tool for compliance. They also help the lawyer learn cooperation.

The correcting tone thing won't fly. I agree that nice communication begets nice communication but he is not your judge. Try keeping it in check but send him to his room for back talking you. He is manipulating and trying to make you feel guilty. Don't let him. That's just another power play. Don't even let it out of his mouth.

Try envisioning his day with a teacher, when he tells her, he doesn't like her tone! Whatever respect you want him to have for her, demand it for you.

Hang on! You are like most moms out there, trying hard and questioning your actions based on temporary results. It takes about a yr of sticking to discipline to turn the ship of a four yr old.

Love and Logic. It's the best book out there.

And learn to pick your battles. Sometimes simple redirection is all it takes.

I have a very verbal 4 year old and discipline is different for them than the less verbal 4 year olds like my first son. You can talk with them about what's going on a lot more and do much less in punishment (which is always about a power struggle). Right now we talk a lot about good choices and bad choices, I do some counting when he gets really putsy and will not cooperate with things like getting into his car seat and getting dressed. Pretty much "you have till I count to 3 to get in your seat or I am putting you in". My hardest issue with him right now is his temper thus our talks about good choices vs bad choices. I always let him know he is not a bad kid, he just made a bad choice and then talk about what a better choice would be.

Your son sounds like my son. He is very smart only child and he was very verbal from a young age. Time outs and taking away toys did nothing - he didn't care. The only thing that really helped when he was 4 years old was taking away books at bedtime. Since the fighting approach doesn't work, you have to figure out what is causing the bad behavior or if he is doing this bad behavior at certain times of day. It sounds like he wants attention. (Since my son doesn't have siblings my husband and I are constantly playing with him). If you are cleaning or cooking or gardening, let him help you. If you are busy with something he can't help with, tell him, "I need 20 minutes to do this and if you behave, we will play a game when I'm done." Or try creating a behavior chart. Make a calendar and give him a check mark for each day that he behaves. After 10 check marks he gets a special treat or toy. We did this once and it helped.

Good luck!

Your child sounds really smart. He's playing you. You know that, don't you? You're trying all sorts of ways and doesn't he know it! It's like a baby dropping a toy from the high chair onto the floor to watch mommy pick it up over and over. He's watching to see how many different ways he can get away with his bad behavior.

First and foremost, he does NOT get to direct the discipline. Ignore "take my truck". And don't bark - that doesn't help. Pick ONE way to handle him and use it to the exclusion of all others for at least one week. Personally, I'd take the toy he is playing with and put him in his room for 15 minutes so that he has to be alone. He wouldn't see that toy again for a couple of weeks. Between not getting his toys back and being stuck in his room, I will bet that the first 3 days you do this, he'll be in his room 20 times. When he finally gets it through his head that he'll ALWAYS be in his room if he doesn't behave, he'll act better.

Enough letting him pull the strings. Be willing to dig in and totally DISPASSIONATELY follow through every single time with the same exact discipline method.

That being said, you need to decide what is an offense and what is being a 3 year old. Give him TWO choices as often as you can. "Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt?" If it looks like he's going to start to tantrum, say to him "Use your words". Let him tell you anything he wants, and then say to him "I know it would be nice to do that, but it's lunch time and we can do "x" later." For cleaning up his toys, sing the Barney Clean Up song. (You can find it on Youtube.) Try to be pleasant and happy with most things. But no more letting him rule the roost!!

They are learning negotiating from their environment.
When you say time outs don't work, how do you conduct them? You
should give him a warning ("Don't do throw that again or you will be in
timeout." Then when he does it again, take him to a spot like against
the wall in the hall way or on the sofa w/o tv on & have him sit there for
4 mins (1 min per year of their age) & set a timer. When it goes off, go
to him, crouch down to his level, calmly say "Do you now why you were
in timeout?". If he doesn't know, tell him calmly "It's because you were
throwing your toys & I asked you not to." Then hug him & tell him you
love him.
Redirect when you can like you've been doing.
Some bad behavior can be ignored.
You won't raise a "sassy brat" as you say if you set some guidelines, be
consisent, be fair, follow through with your actions, put him in timeouts
when necessary.
Teach by example.
Things will probably level out at age 5.
Don't "come down like your parents". You're the mom, you do it your way.
Parenting tricks? I don't know about that but I will say I try to instill good
morals, have a loving home for kids to grow up in,