I have a 12 year old son and every time I ask him to do something he always come back with some smart comment. His favorite saying is why isnt his sister doing something or why do I have to. He also cant take responsebility for his actions.You can catch him doing something wrong and he will sit there and lie to you after you saw him do it. Is there any advice any one can give me. I am at my wits ends here. I have thought about send him to a juvinile detention center to make him grateful for the things he has because he it seems like he only cares about his self. I am having to be a referee between him and his dad on a regular basis.
I would like to thank everyone for their advice. Some of you wanted to know how my daughter is,she is 10. Some asked about his grades believe it or not he has been on the honor roll every yeaar since 3rd grade. He is now in seventh. I have tried to take things from him and of course it hurts him but it only helps for a little while. Once he gets them back ghe does good for a couple of days maybe a week or two . Then it is right back to where we started at. I have sat him down and told him that it says in the bible we shall not lie, and that it is wrong to lie and that one day he is going to need me to believe him amd I'm not going to because he has lied so much to in the past. I know he is going through a tough time at the moment trying to figure out who he is, I'm sure that puberty is not far behind also, I have talked to my husband and told him to try not to be so hard on him and to let somethings go. So far we are doing better but it has only been a couple of days since all of this. If anything else happens I will let everyone know.
just him him you do love him but you wont put up with him telling lies or not doing what you ask him to do he is to big to act like that also take some of the things away that he enjoys doing . tell him he will get them back when he can learn to tell you the truth and also do what you ask him to do with out any talkingback toyou i hope this will help you some S.
Hi C., I feel your pain girl! Due to the fact that I to was in the same situation with my 12 1/2 year old son. He was always on that level of popping those lips at the chores are questions my husband and I asked. Because he thought that he was grown, we treated him as if he was. I gave him the cable bill and internet bill and told him to pay it. I took away all video games and things that ADULTS do not play with and told him to pay those bills. Well, on first he thought we were joking until the cable and internet got cut off. I did not buy any chips, cookies, or other snacks. I told him if he was man enough to act like that, why not pay bills and buy stuff like we adults do. I bet he changed. I refused to take care of a FULL GROWN MAN!!!!
For every negative action, there is a positive INTENTION. What is he getting from this behavior? Is your husband supporting you 100% and are the consequences to his actions the same every time? If there is not consistency and follow through every time he does something, he will continue with this behavior. Have you discussed "values" in your home?
Kids want to know that their boundaries are firm and they like to test them to see where they're at. For many kids, knowing the boundaries gives them a feeling of security and lets them know where mom and dad are at on their values and rules.
My best advice for you is to make sure you take care of this NOW - they don't grow out of it. We started too late and actually put our daughter into a behavioral type boarding school (with amazing results). We learned that WE were the biggest problem because my husband was either too permissive or too strict, and I only made her follow the rules until it became inconvenient or if it would be more peaceful to just let her do whatever she wanted. We learned as much as she did. We have our values, structure and rules firmly in place now and life is fairly peaceful around here.
One thing that I totally, totally recommend is "The Total Transformation Program". This is a set of cd's that talks about parenting - it costs A LOT but it's worth it! Just Google it and you'll find them.
Good Luck!!
I don't think Juvee is the right direction. I think he will just make friends that introduce him to worse things. I would think about doing some volunteer work. Hands on Atlanta has all kinds of volunteer oppertunities that I think would help with appreciating what he has. Also I think the talk time to and from the events would help. Not an expert, but I know service to others helps me when I am feeling selfish. Good luck.
You didn't say how old your daughter is but I'm sure you've told your son that he needs to help around the house cause he lives there and all that great stuff right!? How about this, instead of sending him to Juvi where he may learn more bad habits from other kids, clean out his room. Does he have a TV in there? Playstation or Xbox? Radio/Stero? Toys? What every you answered yes to-remove it from his room. Only leave his bed, clothes and books. Tell him that when he does his chores or what ever it is you'd like him to help with around the house, then he will earn stuff back. Start with the small stuff to give back first and only after you feel he has earned it. And put the stuff somewhere where he can't get to it either. I did this with my 7yr old because she didn't want to help around the house, take responisability for herself or take care of her things. So I removed them and she learned really quick that feeding the 2 cats in the morning isn't that bad or helping load/unload the dishwasher is esay. And that if you love a possision so much, you'll take care of it otherwise it will end up in the trash.
Also, if make sure you are having your daughter help around the house too and that you expect the same behaviours from both of them, no lying, no arguing with sibling or parents, no back talking, etc.
Good luck and I hope you guys work through this Tween stuff pretty soon!!
S.
It sounds like your son is coming to a fork in the road in his life. He needs to understand that the values he currently have will lead him to the criminal justice system. The other road leads to a much better life. That said, he may need some help to get to that better life. I would recommend telling him the above and then going to your pediatrician for advice. He may refer you to a therapist and I know that might sound scary but it is far less scary than having your son incarcerated. There may be medical or psychological reasons for your son's behavior or it may be some early teenage acting out. Whatever it is, you need some support for it because it is hurting your family right now and that has to stop. Hope this helps, S.
C.,
It sounds like what I'm going thru with my 9 year old son. The exact same thing. My husband and I found this program called Total Transformation. It talks all about children's behavior and who to respond or not respond correctly. I encourage you and your husband to check it out! For instance, it has already started to help my son with responsiblity. Tonight, he was suppose to write sentences for homework. He didn't want to do it. So I said ok, here is the time frame you have to do it. If it's not done by say 8pm, you're going to take a shower and go to bed. And whatever you have done, that is what you'll turn in to your teacher and face the consequences of not completing your homework. Well, he didn't complete the homework by 8pm. He noticed it was 8pm, stopped what he was doing and went upstairs and took his shower. He thru a fit about going to bed but I stood my ground, I didn't argue back. He went to bed.
You really should check it out!
Hope that helps!
L. R.
If you are having to referee between your son and your husband, it sounds like there are more issues than just your son's behavior. I found a great booklet online. It is called "Three Simple Ways to Become a Happier Family." I suggest you request it. It's free, and it certainly couldn't hurt. Just copy and paste the URL below into your web browser and scroll to the bottom. The booklet is in the bottom right corner. I feel for you and really hope this helps. Good luck! http://mormon.org/mormonorg/eng/basic-beliefs/the-restora...
I have a 13yr old almost 14 in 1 month. When ever I asked him to do something I always got in a little while and of course it never get done, so now when he wants something I do the same thing, he'll wait until I'm ready, I also started a reward system. He needs to earn things. He enjoys going to his friends and afterschool games, as long as grades are good and he helps with his younger brother everyone is happy.
