Hi, I have a 6 year old step-daughter. my husband an i have her usually once a month.
When she comes over i treat her like she is my own. giving her just as much attention as my own.
However when she comes over she usually tell little white lies.
This past time she came over, i thought everything went well untill my husband recieved a text stating that
his daughter said to her mom that her dad had called her mom an idiot.
after that we on to say that i had slapped her in the face and told her to get the F out of the room.
I NEVER did that.
I have never even laid a hand on her, i would put her in time out, etc make her go to bed early
stuff like that. and for the life of me i dont understand why she did this, and what she want to get out of this.
Thank you
The step child has her own room here, i dont think the mom disiplens the child, like with us, if we catch her lieing we put her to bed early etc. but this last time she didnt get in trouble with me, her dad got onto her bc she was running around a store. but other than that everything went good. until this. aand were wondering if we need to get the child mental help.
Maybe looking for attention. Get on the same page with her other mother and let the daughter know that you guys will communicate often and not let her get away with it. she may be in the i am going to play parent against parent stage.
The only thing that came to mind for me is that since she is only there once a month and so young, she doesn't feel secure over there thus telling the lies. She is maybe hoping that her Mom will not send her over to your house anymore. I'm sure she doesn't realize or can comprehend the seriousness of the lies she is telling.
At a young age kids thrive on routine and that one day a month of going over there takes her away from what she knows and feels comfortable with. Does she stay the night? If so, again, not in her own bed that she sleeps in the other 29 days of the month.
Also, how does the Mom handle these lies? Does she play into them??
I’m not sure how to resolve this but it will take work from both Mom & Dad. They need to be on the same page and let your SD know that they are still a team in parenting her and love her very much.
It sounds like she is playing both sides here. She may be seeking more attention, even if it is bad attention. I would suggest a counselor for her, before these little white lies turn into something more serious. Do the mom and dad have a good communicative relationship when it comes to their daughter? Do you have a communicative relationship with the mother? Is there conflict between any of the 3 of you? I would consider all 3 of you talking about this and ironing out this situation and keep the communication open. Children of divorced parents feel very lost and in the middle of the situation and sometimes don't know how to express their feelings like adults, so they act out in other ways. Hope this helps.
How come only once a month?? Maybe she feels weird once a month ....I mean thats a LONG time in between visits don't you think?This is not a little white lie either, this is a horrible big lie. Did the mom think it was true, I mean she only sent a text. I think if I thought that happen I would ripping your hair out! not sending a text. So maybe the mom knows her daughter well enough to know that she does lie. Get on the same page with the mom. Hope it all works out for you.
Do you know for sure your step-daughter said this or is it Mom trying to cause trouble? This may be something your husband needs to address with Mom and daughter. I know it is not easy I have been the Step-Mom for a number of years, but at 6 years of age that sounds like a lot for her to come up with on her own.
First of all let me tell you , I was a child of divorce. It also was not a good time between my mom and dad. There is a lot of guilt, hurt feelings and anger.. that ws not just them but me too.
I agree that once a month is not enough often enough.That is only 12 times a month. She feels like a visitor. Also one of my and my sisters big problem is that we wanted to see and be with our father.. Not his wife, not his friends. Him.. Since we did not see him very often, that made our "visit" with him only a few minutes or hours over all because or stepmom was always there too. . We liked our stepmother, but she was always there and always around. This made us feel very selfish and very guilty into our adult lives.
We were too polite to say these things out loud to them.
I am going to guess since she is not disciplined at her moms home, she does not like being disciplined at her dads house and I do not think it would make much difference if it was him or you. It is just different and she does not like it. She needs it though. She cannot come over to your home and act like a wild child. She needs to know that there are expectations for behaviors and that you guys love her enough to make sure she behaves the correct way.
I am not sure what can be done to see this child more often. What pops into my mind is that maybe dad could pick her up from school one day a week and take her for a snack, help her with her homework and let her play at the park. This would be their time together and she would feel closer to him. He would also still need to have her behave, so that she would understand this is not just you, trying to manage her behaviors. Could you and or dad volunteer at her school? get to be more of a part of that community? Especially if her mother would approve?
Does she participate in sports? make sure you all try to attend her practices and her games, even if it is not your weekend..
Hang in there. She needs to see that you know she can behave, that you believe in her. But also let her feel like your home is her second home, that she really is part of your family. Tell her she can share her honest feelings..
I know you are doing your best. This child is in a very lonely place right now.
Maybe see if you can all have a sit down with the mom and talk, without the child at first so you can all get on the same page, and than bring her in to talk to her about it and what all her parents expect.
Yeah, once a month is not enough. I don't think she needs mental help, more time with dad is a good idea.
I was really feeling bad for you while I was reading the post but then I got to your last sentence about getting her mental help & that irritated me.
First lets start with once a month, that's 12 days a year out of 365 days, do you think that's much time for a very young child to see her father. Then she has to come over & share her time with others. She has so many emotions that she doesn't know how to deal with & no one seems to be on her side. And instead of spending QUALITY one on one time with daddy she gets in trouble all the time & has to go to bed early.
Now about the mental help comment, perhaps you & her father need to see a counselor on how to understand how this child is feeling about her absent father & what he can do to HELP her & show her the affection she truly needs from him so she can grow to be the kind of woman that is secure. Since he only sees her 12 times a year maybe that one day he can take her to a hotel & do some bonding just the 2 of them.
Please get your husband a book called Strong Fathers, Strong daughters, it would be good for you to read it too so you can sympathize with this child instead of demoralize her.
