Seeking Advice for Daughter and Lying

G.,
This is something that is not unusual. I recommend Love and Logic and you can get a lot of the information online, through the school system, and I know a lady that does group work with it at her counseling office. Her name is Patti Villalobos and her number is ###-###-#### she is just wonderful. Also, there is a Family training that is very helpful, it teaches everyone to use respect and accountability in relating to each other and gets feelings and issues out in the open so they can be dealt with in a healthy way. Go to www.gopathways.org and look for Family training or Teen training. The coordinator is a friend of mine and she is very willing to help. Ask for Margret if you call. 800-866-7284

Take her bedroom door off of the hinges and don't put it back on until you see major improvement. It worked for me!

I am a step-parent too. I was also young when I became one (I am 27 now). I learned the hard way to not be her mother. She has a mother. I am my step-daughter's friend. She use to constantly try to test me. Now I don't tell her to do anything. I ask her to help me, ect. Leave the disipline up to you husband. She is trying to test you. The more you respect her, the more she will respect you. She is trying to show you that you are not her mother.
Sometimes let her do stuff with you her mother wouldn't let her do. Let her have 2 coke's a day, or wear more makeup that you like. Whatever it may be, give a little and maybe she will too.

I totally agree with the becoming her friend advice. She has a mother, she has a father. You have the very unique opportunity (for you and her) to be the mentor every young girl needs. With that said, it has to come with guidelines/structure and boundaries. If I were in your shoes, I would strongly urge family counseling. It is not something to do only when there is a serious issue bubbling out of control, but could give you perspective, her perspective and your entire family guidance on your new roles.

Now, as a mother of a just-turned-13 year old daughter, I will tell you, by far the most efficient punishment I have found is every time she smarted off to me, I would take her cell phone away for a day. I would change her voice mail to say something like, "This is E.(my name), Ivey's mother. She currently does not have access to her cell phone because she doesn't know how to speak to her parents. As soon as she learns to do that in a respectful way, she will return your call if you'd like to leave her your number. (then I always throw in something TOTALLY DORKY, like "Ciao baby!"). I also return each and every text message with a response (that I copy and resend each time...it doesn't take long to do that!) very similar. It works. I have had more parents of her friends call me and say they have started doing it. I had to do it about 4 times before she "got it". SUCCESS feels good and it wasn't mean, or loud or nasty or anything like that. She realized the consequences of her actions.

Good luck to you!
Best,
E.

Be consistent with the consequences. Lying is one way of asserting independence and to see how far they can go. You and your husband should sit down with her and go over consequences - maybe make her come up with a few of her own - tell her to think seriously about it. As far as how to get her to stop - maybe that comes with maturity. Kids speak before they think - so, a lot of times, they say the first thing that comes out - especially if they're on the defensive. My son was a terrible liar. It didn't matter what it was about, he would lie. Now, 21, he's outgrown it for the most part - but, habits are had to break and lying throughout teen years it does become a habit. Just pray and be patient - and, again, be consistent with consequences.

Hey G., I am a step mom my self... My best advice regarding a teen girl is put yourself in her place and try to first understand that most likely she is probably just acting out and rebelling like all teenage girls do and is wanting attn from her dad to reassure her that she like her mother will not be replaced in his life. Try to invite her on a shopping trip, go out to lunch have your nails done, just a girls day out, once you connect it will be easier to talk to each other regarding what is going on, I would not try to talk at her or punish her because with teen girls this will not work, try to talk to her like an adult, get her to open up about what is really bothering her that is causing her to act like this. She may not feel she can trust you yet. I am not saying to be her friend, but try not to be the main disciplinary either. I have found with my 16 yr old son, who acted a lot like this for a few years, when my husband who is his step dad tried to get in on the punishing, that once I understood that he was wanting me to listen to his side and not just take my husbands side instantly, he wanted me to sit and talk with him like an adult, he wanted to be heard on how he felt about some things, once we got this in the open and allowed him a voice and opened up communication lines, we all get along much better now. Teens will always lie and try to get away with things, this is just them trying to be adults and become independant. I hope some of this advice helps and I wish you all the luck and wisdom a step mom needs :)

I do not know what relationship you have with your step daughter. If you are 22 and she is in her teens in my opinion you may find discipline difficult.You might try
explaining over and (over and over) that lying implies the
person of authority is not trustworthy. Keep in mind she
may be proving exactly how little control you acutally have. In this case punishment only cements her decision
to lie and mouth off. Just so ya know, I have NEVER
met a teen who did mouth off. Perhaps not loudly...I personally prefer clear speaking to muttering! This is really a phase. Just stay firm, keep insisting that you
will understand even of your rules do not change- let her
know you respect her and her decisions BUT you are going to do your best to steer her clear of the more foolish decisions because you care. Mine are 32 and 25. Delightful people. I swore they wre abducted at 12 and returned sometine in their early twenties by aliens. I am pretty sure earth has not been attacked because my kids just scared the aliens to death!
Good Luck.

Hello G.,

Teenage girls, as you may well remember can be venemous when provoked. Unfortunately, for a step-parent there is no solution other than extreme patience and consistancy. My husband is a step-dad to my 12 yo daughter, he is only 25. He has been in their lives for over 6 years now and what I can tell you is time is definately on your side. It will not be easy by any means. Contrary to what some of the women here have told you, it is my opinion that if your husband and yourself have decided to place you in control of your home, then that is what you are! Period! You are not here biological mother, but in your home, you are in the role of MOM. Not that she should call you that, but the responsibilities are still the same and the sooner you put down the rules and she learns to respect that, the happier you will be. COnsistancy is the key. Sit down with your husband and decide what the rules of the house are. Don't let him get out of this! It is important to decide together. Present these rules to your step-daughter together so she knows the two of you are one unit and she will NOT be allowed to play you against each other. As for that lying that is an issue we are working on right now so no advice there. The smart mouth, that's simple disrespect. She is seeing how far you will let her go... it's up to you. You ARE the parent not her friend whether she likes it or not!
She has friends. Being her friend puts all the pressure on your husband and he will not be able to depend on you for help like most dads depend on moms. Do not feel guilty if you expect something different from her mom's house. Hopefully all of you can work together. I know that's not the way we have it. It is very hard especially if you are thrown into teenhood without the lessons parents learn along the way. But keep in mind it is very difficult for her also. So in all of this, keep a calm collected voice about you. And if things get too heated, send her to her room and take a break until you can be calm again. Anger only draws anger. and she is angry!
I would say get some family counseling, but that may not be for you guys. It's not going to be the Brady Bunch in the end! And there is no such thing as right way to be a step-parent. So don't question yourself all the time. Work with you husband and everything will work out in the end! Good Luck and God Bless you all!
K.

I am a firm believer that the consequence needs to fit the "crime". The natural consequence to lying is that you don't believe what they say anymore. So I would use that as your strategy.....from now on, anything she tells you she must prove it is true in order for you to believe it. "Did you finish your homework?" "Yes." "I need to see it." Etc. Even for little things; if you don't see it it must not be true. This puts the responsibility back on her instead of on you to try and decide if she is lying or not. And you need to verbalize that as the reason to her. "I can't believe you unless you show me because you have lied to me too many times." While you are doing this, keep your attitude toward her loving and matter of fact. This is not YOUR punishment for her, this is the natural consequence to her behavior. Again, this puts the responsibility back on her shoulders. She lied, now she needs to prove when she is telling the truth. She needs to earn back your and your husbands trust.
By the way, the only way this will work is if your husband is on board and enforces this as well. She has to see that you aren't the bad guy here.
I hope this helps! It is hard being a step-parent, I know!

There are many complications that come with being a stepparent the best approach my husband took with my daughter when he became a stepparent was that of another adult who was there to help raise a responsible person. As a adult involved in a young person's life you have to always remain the parental figure even if your a step. They have to be able to count on you and not only every other weekend. What kind of relationship are you building with her when she is not at your house. They will lie because they are trying to find out how smart you are, how you will react and if you will share this with mom. Just like any relationship it has ups and downs but when they grow up they need to see you were their parent not just the lady who married dad. My husband and my daughter are very close and have been since she grew up a little more but teen years are hard for all involved. Remember how insecure you were at that age but don't try to be the best friend she has those and her mom for that. Remember to respect mom and share the information about the lying with her keep open lines of communication because it is a group effort to raise a respectful and responsible child.

Find common ground between you. If you are 22 and you stepdaughter is a teen there is not a lot of age diffrence between you so it may be more of a hurt/respect thing.
Try talking to her and see what she is feeling. Also realize and remember that in your teen years you go through a lot of changes in your body.
Hang in there and let them (both of the kids) know that you are there for them but they also need to know what is the expectation for your relationship.

S.

Hello!
This is a difficult situation. www.family.org is the Foucs on the Family website . They have excellent resources available for the blended family. Also, they have free phone counseling. It sounds like counseling is needed. Building a relationship first is the best.
Try to forget about lying for now. If it is little, ignore it for mow. People lie sometimes because they do not trust you or think you care so it doesn't seem to matter to them. This is probably a difficult time for the teen. It takes time to get used to a new situation. Try to be encouraging and serving. When she is rude, say," Please do not talk that way. It hurts my feelings."
You are close in age. It may be a threat to her. She may resent you since you are the new wife. Try to see life from her point of view. She may feel unhappy. It will take time. Talk to her and say, " I would like to get along with you. What can I do?"
If you want to be a parent, you will have to focus on understanding. There is nothing in our cultural media that promotes kindness and respect. Getting in a church family cell group where there are other teens who are respectful and having a positive peer group for her would help.
Teen years are difficult in America. Maybe she could get a job with you. Having work to do and getting paid is good for young people as long as it is a positive environment with positive peers which is difficult to find.
Complimenting her would help.
I would like to work from my home. Can you tell me about your business?
I pray God's blessings on you and your family!
Sincerely,
C. N

Become your stepdaughter's friend, don't try to be her mother. Recognize that her lying is a cry for attention that she preceives that she is not getting. I teach this age group and believe me, students who get into this habit, fabricate to friends, teachers, families, it doesn't matter who. I have students who begin a story and other students look at one another and roll thier eyes in disbelief. And of course, the more rejection they feel, the more they feel a need to "tell things the way they wish they were rather than how they really are". It is a vicious cycle. So become her friend, accept her warts and all and over time you will have opportunities to help her understand what she is doing and how to overcome. Ask her to help you set up boundaries or expectations regarding what someone her age should be like as a stepdaughter, and work on little easy goals (ex: having a happy attitude when she comes to visit;think of a special activity that the two of you could enjoy,like getting pedicure) reward her success, and then continue building a friendship as you work on the toughies.

Communication is the key. As a child my mom married when I was 9 years old. There were times that I felt out of control in my own life. Talk to her about what she is feeling, but not always in a serious formate, aka sitting at the table her on one side you and dad on the other. Try an activity like baking cookies with her, dad and yourself. The other thing is her mom, there was to be a united front always. No matter why or what happened, there are children who need to be raised. If you do not have the type of relationship that is positive and respectful with mom then let dad handle that side. I know that is easier said then done, but this almost teenager will be a teenager faster then anything.
One last question: Is dad spending quality time with her on the weekends she is at your house? Could be a key to her issues.

best of luck!

I have the same problem w/my 14 yr old son. 1st it's good not to have any electronics in their room. If things get really out of hand I take the door off of his room and put it where he can't get to it. I'm currently have to send him back to the States(we live on Okinawa right now). After that I'm going to get him into an RTC residential treatment center. I want to put him in the ROTC (the military school), just because where we are going next, has a huge drop out rate. As soon as I stopped engaging him and would catch him with that teenage attitude (with a firm "EXCUSE ME") he started to change his attitude. You can't be their friends or let up on a punishment (at all). I don't know how you feel about this but church helped me with him. And, counseling. I think that he would benifit from medications, but right now he has to see that for himself, because he refuses to take it any more( he has ADD). Girls are more incline to talk about the things that bother them and I really think that indiviual and group counseling is key. Sometimes it takes the whole family to solve these things. I hope you get a lot a great advice, and hang in there. And keep the communication up every day it's so important.

Has anyone asked what is going on in the other household or school? Is there another source that is not being considered that is going on in "her" world? She is going through so many changes with a fairly new mom, hormones, maybe a boy(s), so-called friends at school... Are the lines of communication open about any and EVERY thing or just when she is caught in a lie? Is there some need for attention that she may have to not feel forgotten? We weren't always parents and there are times that we forget how we dealt with change, growth and development. Was there always someone there for you at that age/time? Just a different perspective.

As a high school teacher, I see so many things that many parents are not aware of that goes on in schools.

Your husband and you need to work on this problem together, and if possible get her Mom involved. Lying should be address as soon as possible. I have a 9 year old who started lying on simple things, and he was punished accordingly. Good luck, remember consistants is best

I hate to say this and not knowing you or your step daughter makes the comment I am about to say a little harsh. Think about your age and her age. You mention she is an almost teenager which would lead me to believe that she is 12. You are 22. She is not happy at all with the fact that her step mom is so very close to her age. She is not happy that her dad married some one younger than her mom and that alone makes her resentful. You are the woman that split up her parents. Whether that is the case or not, she may see it that way. Again, these are assumptions on my part. I do not know the whole situation and what kind of bond you may or may not have with her. Couple that with teenage hormones going haywire and you have a step daughter that is going to be hard to handle. As for advice on how to handle the situation...this is a tough one. But I will say this, trying to be her friend is NOT the way to go, no matter how many people may tell you that! Sitting her down with you and her dad and having a very heartfelt conversation may be the way to go. She needs to realize that her actions are hurtful.

G.,
Here is the best advice I can give you. LET YOUR HUSBAND HANDLE HER!!!!!! My huband and I blended a family of 7 almost 18 years ago and half were teenagers. The hardest job in the world is being a step-parent. You are merely a consultant and a friend. Don't get caught up in trying to discipline this girl. Your job is to love and support your husband and be pleasant and respectful to his children.If he has teenagers and a 22 year old wife I am guessing you are quite a bit younger. I'm sure this does not set well with his former wife so they are getting a lot of negative feedback at home. It's not easy being a child of divorce.
N. Cox

You have received some good ideas....first, you cannot change her or really ground her on weekends....I am sure it is very hard on her because of your age as well....let your husband deal with it.......as the mom of teens I can tell you trying smart mouth goes with the age and attempting to lie does as well.....I am able to curb it but that is through consistancy which is hard on the weekends......have you tried asking her why? good luck!

I have been blessed with a second husband who did not have any children. But, on the flip side, I dealt with the same problem from my own child, so I feel you pain. My daughter lied and sass mouthed my current husband. She wanted him to know that she had a Daddy. If you have only been married a couple of months he should be stepping in and diciplining her, not you. Let him. You and your husband will have to come to an agreement with this problem. Let him deal with this. The day will finally came when you can discipline her and she won't sass mouth but you have to get him to set the ground rules or it will get worse. My opinion, there has to be more going on at the Mothers house than either of you are aware of. Let your husband deal with this.

Hi G.,
My name is K., and I had this very same problem with my son, who lives with his dad called me yesterday to tell me that he had lyed to hid dad about not having homework and, I told him that he would have to stop lying even if it was over something like that because what happened if something big came up and he came to tell the truth such as his little brother had gotten hurt and he came to tell someone that noone would be able to believe him and it really was true then his brother would be hurt and wouldn't get help. Also I would tell her I'm sure you have heard the old saying that "The True Will Set You Free." it really helps if you and your husband just sit down and talk to her and just put where she can understand I think that's what might just work. If you have any other questions I'll be glad to help in any way I can just let me know.
Good Luck I hope this helps.

I am in the same boat except for my little "angel" of a stepdaughter is an only child... i have a son who "bothers her" so i get a lot of back talk & she's very jealous & spiteful! & She acts like an angel around her dad & herself around me! (sneaky) At first i tried very hard not to be the terrible stepmother but then she started walking all over us! We have her full time!... I tell her very blatantly "don't say that,dont do that, be nice, go to your room"... She's not a bad child so we have to pick & choose carefully how we discipline her. In our case she is gone on the weekends so we basically told her that if she didnt straighten up she's "grounded" from the fun things she gets to do on the weekends! Also we are planning on taking away things that she likes to do at home! When she acts good we will let her play/ do all the things she wants. It's immature behavior so we've decided we're going to treat her how she's acting, like a baby! Also make sure that your husband is backing you 100% so that way she'll have no one to run too & whine! GOod luck! I know you're frustrated! i feel your pain! :)

G. I have a 15yr old step son who lives with us and lied all the time we finially had him write sentences and out of the dictionary. As far as letting your husband do it and you be the friend well what they are really saying is let her walk all over you and her not have respect for you. I have been there.

I have a 12 year old step son that likes to lie as well. He ends up lying about stupid little things, but the fact is that he is still lying about something. We were grounding him, and taking stuff away...didn't really seem to phase him. So what we do now is have a lie jar. Every time he is caught in a lie he has to pay $1.00. Might sound a little expensive, but we wanted an amount that wasn't extreme but would still affect him, and boy does it every. I think we've gotten to about 10.00, and the lies have stopped considerably. The smart mouthing, that's a whole other issue, and I don't know a good answer for that one.
Good Luck. Being a step-mom is not easy. I became one at 22.

G.,
I dont know her mom but if you and she have any kind of relationship it would be good for all three of you parents to sit down and come up with a consistant plan that you will implement in both homes. Children strongly need structure,discipline and security. If there home life is vastly different with there mom it may be very hard for yourself and your husband to correct this behavior. The only thing you can do in that case not haveing her Moms support is show her a different example in your home and pray for the best. You can your husband could implement a plan ie...rules,punishment,and if behavior is better a reward system and together communicate it to her clearly.Keep it short. They are teenagers after all and attention spans seem to be short.I have a 13 yr old and she would lie to us about the least little thing. We made the rule...if you tell the truth the first time there is no punishment at all for most anything,if you lie and continue to lie the punishment progresses with the lie. If you can work it out with her mom then she should be grounded at both homes if she gets grounded at one.When my daughter gets grounded it means she has to stay in her room. She can read and that is it. No electronics of any kind and if we had family plans, well she ruined it for herself. She gets to stay home with a baby sitter.(Not even out to dinner with us) It may sound harsh but I am more interested in raising a child who will make good choices in the future based on knowing the consequences could be harsh. You are correct she is not your friend and is unable to handle an adult relationship. There is plenty of time to be friends with our children after they are adults and can handle it.

You may also want to find out who her friends are. Offer her a sleep over at your home if you live close. Sometimes the friends they keep are a good indicator of why things are happening. If her mom works full time she is probably not as vigilant as she could be. Understand I do not know the whole situation and am not judging you. I am just hopeing something I say will strike a cord and help.

Children equate love with letting them do whatever they want. When they grow up they usually if they have any moral compass at all, tend to resent the parent who wasn't consistant. They realize that discipline and control is the biggest form of love.

I was a lieing,out of control teenager. I was molested as a young girl and struggled with alot of issues. One of which was lieing. I was taught to lie by haveing to keep the biggest lie ever a secret. God saved me. I was 12 when I told my parents and they did nothing. I dont blame them because, I dont thing they knew what to do. Afterall, I had been a liar my whole life.

So, now that you know I have a little insight I can only tell you if those things do not work, try talking to someone she looks up to and respect to talk to her. If you are in a church,or any social circle encourage friendships, relationships with children you know are more in line with your ideals for raising her. Then help those relationships to grow by planning things with that child to be with your daughter.

Lastly be a strong influence in her school. The more you know the less she can lie about. It will also help develope a strong relationship. I am sure she is still struggling from the broken home thing. No little girl ever wants to be without there dad. You will find that whatever you do she will love you for trying once she is older and has kids of her own. Goodluck and pray alot.

I consider lying a form of respect in my house and the sassy talk is soon to follow. This really does work.... put her on restriction and have her wright a 7 page report on lying and respect. Let her know that when the report is done she will be off restriction. Then when she lies again ( she probally will)have her do communitty services for shelters or local food drives etc. Serving other people helps the "sassy the world is all about me teenager." I know it will take a little more effort on your part to get her involved but the payoff is well worth it. Good luck, your doing a great job.

It is so hard to be a step parent in the beginning. But time has a way of working things out.
I can only give you advise from my experiences. I married my husband who had three children. I was 25 his kids were 10,6,4. For some reason when they lived with their mother it was harder. The more we had them it got easier. They went from home to our house every other week. It now know that it was just as hard on them as it was on me. The daughter was the 10 year old and she would lie to start any kind of problem with any one. It turned out that she just needed our attention. (mainly she needed daddy time) The children were jealous of me because their dad now loved someone else other than their mother and them. I would get so mad at his kids because they were so dang mean. But instead of getting mad I just starting working on my attitude. I wanted them to feel loved and comfortable and when his daughter would lie or be a smart mounth- i would ask her? Why are you so mean? Why do you want to lie? Then her dad sat her down and told her that he loved me and that I wasn't going anywhere and that if she was going to come over and be a part of our new family that she had to respect me and him and she would get that in return. Building a respected relationship with the children and other parent is the best way to go. Work together for whats best for the kids. Lying and acting out is a way kids look for attention. They want any kind of attention even if it's trouble. Since you only have her every other week it will be hard for you all to adjust and you will almost hate the fact that it's his weekend with the kids. Until you get this situation calmed down. This can start to cause problems with you and him too. I would suggest that you look in to some family counceling at some local churches or something. We did this for about 4 weeks and it really helped. You can find some groups that get together and for free too.
Hope this helped. The kids are all grown up now and they love me and we don't have drama anymore. Thank GOD!!

G.,
I can sympathize with you on this one! I am not a stepmother, but I have been in your shoes as far as the lying goes. My daughter, who is now 25, started lying to us as a teen. I really can't say what caused it. She lied even when the truth sounded better! She has finally, for the most part outgrown it. I just learned to live with it, because punishing her for it, never did any good. It only made things worse. She got pregnant when she was 17 and hid it until she was almost 8 months along! I had a gut feeling, and knew it, but she would not admit it until I finally told her that we were going to the DR, and if I was wrong, I would get down on my knees and beg her forgiveness. That is when she finally admitted it. The best that you can do, is just love her for who she is, and have a really good sense of humor. The good Lord doesn't put us through anything that he knows we can't handle.

I think your position as the stepmother is a little awkward because you are new to the family. The discipline will have to come from her father. But here is my tip that I used for my kids. We had issues with name calling, back-talk, etc. so anytime that one of those became a nasty habit in the household, I would decree that the next time someone called their sibling a name (or backtalked a parent, or got caught in a lie, etc.), they would get a drop of liquid soap on their tongue. It seems old fashioned and slightly cruel, but you would be amazed at how quickly a habit gets dropped. (It's kind of hard to wash that taste out!!!) My kids are 23, 19, and 17, and they all survived.