Help with Ex-wife

The mother obviously feels threatened by your presence in her daughter's life for whatever reason. Some people are unreasonable and you should just ignore the woman as best as you can. My thought is that braiding her hair was not a big deal...but if there is a disagreement with the father and mother about how the child is groomed - you would do well to just stay out of it and not touch her daughter's hair. It is basically between him and her. Being a step parent is difficult. Yes, you are and will be a mother figure but you are not and should not consider yourself as such. I am on my second go around as a step parent and have learned that you can love the child and be supportive but it is best to stay out of the disagreements between parents. My daughter stayed with her father for the summer last year and his long term girlfriend called me to ask if she can take my daugter for a haircut and get her ears pierced. I was very impressed that she called me to ask first. It showed that she respected my authority as the mother and showed me how much she cared for my daughter. This might work....to show her you respect her as the Mother (even if you don't agree with her methods). It might make the relationship less volatile. You have to try something different as what has been happening in the past doesn't seem to be working. I think it is better than fighting and spending money and time in court.

I have to agree with Diane S.-I think her answer is excellent. Even though what this woman is doing makes no sense you have to think of the child (and children) first. Also you might put yourself in her shoes just to see how you would feel if suddenly you had to deal with having another Mom to your children in the picture. Being a mom is like, sacred to me, on some level. Nobody else better even try to be a mom to my kid, ya know? Treat them well yes of course. And what she's doing is wrong. But maybe she needs some respect and kindness from you all. I have been left alone for another woman by my husband when we had a very small child and believe me it's not something you get over too easily. She may be trying to punish your husband as well. Take the high road.

E., it sounds like she's still not over her separation to your husband...Have you spoken to an attorney that might be able to provide some precautionary ideas...
You may have to be the adult in this situation and think one step ahead of her..treat her as someone that needs special attention and work around her insecurities instead of trying to fight her...try to at least to the eye befriend her...the nicer you are the harder it will be for her to win...as for who you'll be in your daughters life time will work that out..she can't continue to create all this drama and still be seen by her children in a good light.

a lil about me: mother of 5 (3 of them inherited as a package deal with my current husband of 18 yrs)...children do notice everything...

good luck and if you need someone to vent with feel free to contact me privately...

Sounds like you need an attorney.

Betsy, Mom and Grandmom to 5 great human beings

Hi E., I have read your note twice and unfortunately the ex-wife is still mad at your (and her ex) husband. No matter what you do it will cause a conflict. I have been married 30 years and my husband has four children by four different women (only married to one)and I found out, no matter what I do, it did not work. So what you and your husband have to do is get together and have him try to take the lead in the problem areas. Also before you take it upon yourself to change her appearance or whatever ask you husband to call her and ask or at least let her know what is happening. There are no sure fire ways of this conflict, but the poor child is in the middle and one thing you all have in common is the best for your step-daughter. I had a problem with just one of the Mom's and I eventually found out that my husband had to take the lead and it was still a small battle but not as big as it would have been from me, as eventhough we are married, I was still considered the "that other woman" .

Breezy

E.-
While I don't have any personal experience in this area YET, I will soon be an ex-wife. I don't think I'd ever take it to the level this woman has, but I do worry about how my children will be treated by my current husband's next wife or significant other. The best thing you personally can do to protect yourself is be an adult and maintain a certain level of maturity. As long as your actions and behavior aren't questionable, you should be fine. And eventually the records will reflect that she's filing frivolous complaints and she'll be reprimanded.

If you'd let the baby go to the reunion without trying to fix her hair, the ex would have had a problem with you taking her child out in public looking raggedy. The bottom line is that no matter what you do, she won't be satisfied. She's unhappy and insecure with herself. As long as you've been in the picture, you ARE a mother figure to that girl. That's just the way it is. I applaud you for taking on that kind of responsibility and taking it seriously.

You could try placating her by consulting her on issues like this one and asking what she wants you to do. It might make her feel more secure and more like she has a say in what goes on while her daughter is away from her.