How to Deal with the "Ex-wife" Issue When There Is a Child Involved

I really feel for you. You are in a hard situation and one I have seen way too often. My husband is a divorce attorney and this is very common in divorces. That's the good news, unfortunately you will be the one with the hardest task. I feel the ex-wife is jealous of you and she in return is attacking you out of her own insecurities.

My advice to any of my friends would be this: you will have to learn to say "oh" or "oh really I'm sorry you feel that way" to her comments. This way you will not have to engage in an argument or discussion. This may sound easy to do but it is extremely hard, because what she is saying hurts and you will want to defend yourself. There is a saying that misery loves company and if she can make your family life or you miserable then she wins. By saying "oh" it does not leave any room for further discussion and you are not agreeing or disagreeing with her.

In with regards to the children, I would sit down as a family and explain to the children that sometimes when people are hurt they take it out on someone else, even if that someone else did nothing wrong. Which it sounds like your step-son is beginning to realize his mother is treating you on fairly. By responding with “OHHHH” to her “I hate you” e-mail you will not fuel the fire and your step-son will respect you more for it. You may also want to give some examples to the children through the children's own experiences of the world. For example when a friend was mean to them and why, or my own son will take his frustration out on his sisters if he has had a hard time at school. Then we sit down and figure out a way for him to work through his emotions in a more positive way.

In addition, I would have your husband be the one who responds to her e-mails and phone calls for awhile. With everything else us mom’s have to do the ex-wife would be way to overwhelming for me personally, so I can only imagine the energy this is sucking out of you. If you can step back or away for a couple of hours (a weekend would be better) it would help restore your energy if you are feeling low. Try to take care of yourself and take breaks from the situation as much as possible. I wish you the best of luck and I hope this helps.

Hang in there. She is just jealous of you. My husband's ex is hot and cold. Sometimes she nice sometimes she acts up. I always treat her with respect and believe you should treat someone how you want to be treated. Your stepson is old enough to have is own opinion. He has already formed his opinion about you. As long as you treat him with respect and love you are good.

I have been married to my present husband for almost thirty-one years. Some how we have managed to keep a good relationship between his family and ex and my children. I suspect your hubbies ex is jealous fo the happy relationship you have with your hubby and his children and yours.that is somethingyou can't help or do anything about. it is her problem.
At one time after the death of her second husband, my husband ex showed a renewed interestin him. The married older children saw it and watched it with interest. I kept my cool and treated her an old friend who came to visit. So did my husband. After awhile she got the message and now keeps her distance. We are friendly and cheerful to her at family gatherings. That keeps everyone happy.

Her issue with you is not your issue with her. You are not married to her...you are married to your husband and your responsibility is to him and to your kids (all of them). She doesn't "belong" in the equation, although is is nice if she were an additional factor that worked well with the equation. You have done your part at trying to make things comfortable for everyone. If she is not willing or able to be reasonable, then leave it alone. HER destruction of HER relationship with HER son is not YOUR problem. It is HERS. You just need to keep providing a loving, safe environment for him and the rest of your children, be there for him to talk to and, if you can fit it in, encourage him to love his mother despite her shortcomings.

Good luck...I have "ex-wife" drama too. It's hard and quite ridiculous.

Dear L.,

I have not been in your exact situation, but similar in that my husband's family (his mother and sister in particular who told me 15 years ago she wished I would go away and that she never had to see me again), have been shooting poison arrows at me for 18 years. I would HIGHLY recommend going for family counseling, and if no one else wants to go, YOU go. You cannot make your husband's ex-wife like or accept you. You CAN do a lot toward protecting yourself and your relationship with your stepson and husband which don't involve stooping to her level. I would have left my husband long ago had it not been for all the outside help we have gotten dealing with his actively hostile family. Most importantly, my husband, though it has been slow progress, has stepped up to the plate to deal with the situation. There are so many awesome counselors where we live and many accept payment on a sliding scale. Please avail yourself....there is no need to suffer and this is a very complex problem....you deserve to have trained, objective,supportive professional help in dealing with it.

Good luck and best wishes,

L. M.
Novato

I saw "What Happened" and thought I would throw my 2 cents in. This is more for your husband and his ex, but co-parenting counseling has done a world of good for my ex and I. He hates talking to me, but over the years I've slowly worn him down with the help of a great co-parenting counselor (and counseling for myself to help me resolve my issues so I can talk to him without the old "baggage"). Good luck!

Hi L.,
Can't do much except sympathize. We're in the same boat with my guy's ex (mother of his 2 kids, 10 and 12). When I first came into the picture 4 years ago I really tried to be nice and include her, invited her to dinner, helped her with some of her college projects, etc. but you know what? I finally came to the conclusion that she's just a very unhappy, helpless,friendless woman who is VERY jealous of our stable, happy home and who is far more concerned over her own happiness than that of her kids and there is PROBABLY nothing we can do to change that.

Keep reminding your stepson that you love him no matter what his mother does, (AND that it is OK for him to love HER even if she's being nasty to you)and try not to let his mom get too much under your skin. We are in the middle right now of probably having to go back to court to enforce a custody schedule, make her stop inflicting corporal punishment on the kids, and to go to co-parenting counseling (with the kids' dad). Co-parenting counseling might help in your case, even if it's just between her and her husband. It might help to have a third, objective party point out to her how her behavior is hurting her son. Good luck!

Hi L.,
Your request touched me because I have a step daughter as well and have been married to my husband for 12 years as well. I think that you have done all that you can do. This issue is not with you but the ex-wife needs to deal with her own feelings of resentment and bitterness. As far as the effect that its having on her son, that's where your husband needs to step in and let her know that if she does not deal with her issues, she will end up effecting the relationship with her son and that has nothing to do with you but its due to her bad behavior and attitude. All you can do is to continue to love your step-son and to treat her with respect, but you do not have to be friends with her and I would also not communicate with her. The communication should really come from your husband. Hope it works out you will be in my prayers.

There are several things at play, but I think the most important is about the hatred that she shows you. When anyone directs something at someone else, it is usually because he or she holds it for themselves. For her, my guess is that you are a reflection of what she isn't. The problem is that she is not supposed to be you. She is supposed to be herself. That means she does things differently and thinks things differently. But she is not able to see the beauty of herself when she is stuck in the world of comparison (which is how most people live their lives by the way). You cannot accept love when you hold the pain of not being good enough.
As well as that, when two people have something going on between them, there is usually a similarity there. Take a coin: it has two sides. You hold one side and she holds the other. But you are both looking at the same coin. Try approaching her without the "You are doing this wrong and you need to change" idea. Instead try, "I see your pain, and I would also like to see your unique beauty." Maybe when you do that, you will uncover something you never knew about yourself.
Love First,
jasmine W.

Well to be honest it sounds like what the ex said is really how she is feeling only about you. People get like this and say things when they are jealous. Life is too short for all the drama. You have tryed everything let the kids come to you do not call or anything if they do not there is nothing you can do but be happy and live your life. I also am a step mom. The ex and I are friends we do not hang out every day but we are nice to eachother it depends on what sort of person you are dealing with. Some people are just too stuck up. Hope I said something that helped CC

First I would not change what you are doing now, all of you are family and you have embraced her that way and it is a great example for all of your children and it seems like she is the one that is having a hard time accepting things. I have twin boys and their father remarried and is now divorced and his exwife recently told me that sha hated me because I was too nice and welcomed her in with loving arms. I would take your concerns to her, let her know that you have noticed how this is negativly effecting her son and their relationship. I think it is very important that you let your son(stepson) know that your relationship with him is seperate as well as his relationship with his Mom is seperate and that trails that you are going through with one is NOT going to change things with the other.

You said you feel you didn't do anything wrong, but didn't mention what might be behind the ex-wife's disliking you. Were you the reason they broke up? If not, maybe she feels like you came into the picture before she was convinced the relationship was over? Was she holding out hope that they might get back together and blames you for "getting in the way"?

But really, none of this matters. You have to understand that you can't control her behavior. It sounds like you've done everything you possibly can to try to make this a good situation for the kids. She needs to grow up and take her own personal feelings out of it and think about what's best for her kids. All you can do at this point is be there for her son when he feels like she's causing problems. Keep reminding him that his mom loves him, even when he doesn't like the way she behaves. Let him know that he doesn't have to choose between you and that YOU will always be there for him. He will get to a point when he's older when he'll understand what was going on with his mom and be able to love her despite what she may have done or how she may have acted. For now, just be there for him.

You are obviously a great person to be so concerned about her relationship with her son when she is being such a b---- to you. Most people would not be so high-minded. You are taking the correct approach, being the bigger and kinder person, and you are right to continue doing that. I would tell your stepson not to be angry with his mother, she loves him, she is probably just jealous and some people are not very rational in certain circumstances. Just keep speaking kindly and understandingly of her to him. He needs to feel as good about her as he can. It sounds as if you have a better life than she does.

You have done the right thing! Keep up the good work!!

p.s.- In terms of your relationship with her, I would not respond to her nastiness or even take it to heart -- it's not about you, it's her unhappiness and insecurity speaking. Just tell her you don't feel that way about her and you're sorry she feels that way, no more, and then keep acting as nice as you always have. You're awesome!

Hi L.
I can see in you other responses that you only got other step mothers and a step sister's view. My parents divorced when I was seven. My biological mother has always been bitter and as far as I can remember, never happy. My father remarried a woman that wasn't particularly loving to me which my mother absolutely loved. My mother would interrogate me after weekends spend at my dads and use everything I said against my dad and his new wife. I grew up hearing how cold and insensitive my father's wife was. I guess what I am trying to say is, please never say anything bad about your son's biological mother. He knows better and does not need to be reminded that his mother is not acting right. I was stuck in a war of words, and it is horrible because as a child you have loyalties to both sides. You don't want to hurt anyones feelings, so it is hard when grownups play you out against each other. It sounds like you are doing a great job, and I agree. Don't even bother responding to her insults. She is looking for you to fuel her fire.
Good luck, and enjoy your family.
S.

Jeez, sounds tough. Some therapy for you and your step-son would probably be very beneficial.

Oh my god! How your experience mirrors mine so much! I have been divorced twice and currently ended a long term relationship (partly because of his ex-wife and her immaturity level). So I feel that I can offer you some advice. Your "shared" son is observant of everything happening between you/his father; his mother/his father; you/his mother. Don't ever think he doesn't see what the dynamics are - children are very, very observant. So, having that in mind - know that you are doing exactly what you should be - having his best interest in heart; opening your home and activities with his mom (no matter how hard it may be). Get him into counseling as soon as possible so he can learn how to deal with his mother's actions and to learn that he is not responsible for any part of this situation.

Let your husband know about the email but do not let your "shared" son know - deal with this in private. Let the counselor know about it so she/he can appropriately work his mother's feelings/actions into their conversation. Check the divorce/custody paperwork to see if there is any type of "negativity" statement (you know the "you can't say bad things in front of the children" type stuff or "you are forbidden to make negative statements...")

Also, your "shared" son's age will become a factor shortly as most states allow a child who is at least 12 to decide where he/she wants to live. Decide with your husband who to deal with her together. You both may decide to contact the court to modify the custody schedule. Again, keep the counselor informed and ask for their opinion ~ it is truly valuable and may save you from spending a lot of money for nothing; or, may help you remove your "shared" son from a damaging relationship. Good luck to you!

Hi L., What does your husband say? Do you have his support? I have an ex-wife who doesn't like me either or my daughter. I basically stopped trying to get her to acknowledge or engage me at all. I also let her know she was not welcome in our house until her behavior improved (still waiting on that!) Occassionally she will say an unfriendly greeting to us, but usually she ignores us. We do not have nor do I encourage shared family time at our home. She has the kids without our interference when they are with her and we usually get the same.
As for your step-son...as with all "steps" you can't make their relationship with their parent better. Only the parent can do that if he/she finds it important. He should talk to his mom (if he feels safe to do that) and tell her that it bothers him and assure her that he loves her, but her behavior is pushing him away (He should not compare you to her). I would not continue to give her opportunities for her to disrupt your household. Don't forget to talk to your husband and step-son on your decision or include them in a roundtable and agree on a course of action. Many blessings and Hang in There.

There really isnt anything else you can do. I have the samething sortof. Its been 11 yrs and the kids see how doble standard their mom is. I sent her a letter one time stating that I just wanted her to know that I am not trying to replace her. She is their mother and I can never replace her however I am their stepmother and will be in their lives until they decide otherwise. I expect her to treat me with the same respect she expects from any other adult. Remind her that the child isnot stupid, and he sees her behavior. You can put that her behavior is starting to have a negative affect on him and his feelings toward her. You can stay no matter what she wishes, you are here, and here to stay. She has a few options. She can accept it and be civil to all and be included in all of your family functions (that you choose to invite her), or she can continue to be childish and push away her child. Its her choice. You never stated what position their dad takes in all this. Is he behind you? Does he tell her to stop being disrespectful? My hubby's ex and I still have problems with things; however our kids (my step) are now 14 & 16 and see how double standard she is and thats all I need to see. For years she had badmouth me but the kids see the truth.

Hi L., first let me tell you I know where you are coming from as the step mother. I am also step mom to 2 children ages 10 and 12, and their mother hates me. I have always been very nice to to her, and she has made every attempt to discredit me, not only with her children, but with their father as well. At first I was extremely bothered by it, but I never let her know. The kids both know I love them very much, and when my step daughter asked me if she could start calling me mom, my heart skipped a beat. Of course I talked it over with her father, and we decided it would be up to his children what they call me...they chose "mom". To me, that is the only thing that matters. I think that as long as the kids know you love them, nothing she does is going to matter. Yes she is their real mom, but in all fairness... so am I. I just continue being nice to her, and never let her know she is getting to me. Keep your chin up, ok?

Hi,
I have never being in that situation, but I have an uncle who has being in a simular situation. I don't think that there is anything else that you can do for her, because it will never be enough. She is just going to go on disliking you because, she probably regrets splitting up with your husband, and she might even want him back. Or it could be that she is just jealous, because you are such a wonderful mother to her son. So other than greeting her or talking to her when necessary, I think that no matter what you do, you will always be the person that she will never like. I am sorry to say that. Being the loving and caring person that you sound to be I know that can't except that, and I hope that I am wrong. I guess that you could try talking to her and let her come out with it in the open. Don't blame it on yourself. People sometimes just turn out to be that way even if they can't help it sometimes.

Hi L.,

When you marry a man with children, you also "marry" his ex. We've been at it for over 23 years now, and there are still areas that are raw. We decided it best to "make friends" with the mom for the kids. They were so torn and to show me any kind of affection with their mom around was very confusing to them (they were 2 and 3). So we did all the things you've tried, and they worked somewhat. It didn't get better until she got remarried. Gave her someone else to bug!

Your situation seems very familiar and my suggestion would be for your husband to handle this. You did not choose this woman to be in your life; probably would not choose her to be a friend and frankly, she's a pain in the butt. I would ask your husband to talk to her, which is very difficult sometimes, I had to be the intermediatary for years. But it's his place to get this woman off your back. Good for you for trying to put the kids first. And I understand step-parenting is very difficult. Any kind of parenting is difficult, but throw the ex in there and YOWSA! But you've given it your best. Let it go. Let her go (easier said than done), she's not worth your valuable time, or time you could be spending with her children. She should count herself blessed to have someone like you who will treat her kids with the same affection and attention that she would (doesn't sound like she was very good at that).

Good luck!

V.

L.,
I am guessing that she feels threatened because you are a better mother than the ex-wife is. My mom had this problem with my step sisters mom. My mom would cut her hair and make her a new dress, and send her home all cute and foo-fooed, and her real mom would massacre the hair cut, and not let her wear the dress. Maybe some family counseling would help, with a person who is neutral. Or,
since the son is 16?, he could explain that he does not want to hear negative talk about either parents from either side, he is old enough that she should respect his
opinion, and if he says it so that it comes from both sides she won't feel picked on. When I was younger 12-14 just having my step sisters mother show up made me want to hide because it was like being in a war zone. Even my sister did not want to be there anymore, but had no choice.
Her mom likes to play the I will disown you card, and has done so several times over the years even though we are now in our 30's. Very crazy people sometimes. I wish you luck, and keep being yourself, reguardless of what she does, you will be the better person for it.