Help with Boyfriends Mother

Sorry to say this...but it doesn't sound like he's much of a man. He NEEDS to stand up to his mother and if he won't do it for you, he's not worth it! It will only get worse later.

It's so great that you are asking for help. Keep looking for solutions that are safe for you and your "babies." If your boyfriend is not going to act on his mother's behavior, then you have to make the decision to alleviate the situation. It is up to you if this "man" is going to be "partner" material. If you have been married before, as most of us have, you know what you are looking for and what both you and your children deserve. Keep reaching out if the support is not in your home. Here is the site for Al-Anon-

http://www.al-anonfamilygroups.org/meetings/meeting.html

Good luck and stay safe.

Hello, I am D. and a SAHM of a beautiful 18 mo old daughter. While I can understand how difficult the situation must be for your boyfriend of having a mother like this and not wanting to do anything he would perceive as hurtful to her, you need to call the cops. Your boyfriend needs to look at the situation from the view point of your children. Your child heard all the messages that grandma was leaving and that is not good. What happens if rather than just calling to harass you, she decides to come over one day and your children are home. Maybe if you called the cops it would wake her up. My best friend wen through this with her ex husband calling her constantly and sometimes being nice and sometimes saying hurtful things and she was thinking about getting a restraining order but luckily he stopped. I will be praying for you.

Hi N.,
You aren't married to this guy. She's not your mother-in-law, she's his mother and your (2) kids' grandmother. If she is drinking while baby sitting your kids, please never let her watch your kids again. Was your 11 year old at home alone while this crazy woman was leaving filthy messages on your machine? If so--turn the machine OFF. She shouldn't be home alone at 11 anyway. You will never be able to make this guy choose between you and his mother. It's a shame really, that you have kids together because you are going to be tied to her for a long time in some way or the other. I'm sorry you need to go through this while you're pregnant. Was she this crazy since your 4 year old was born or has it gotten much worse? Maybe she needs treatment for addiction. Her son should handle that. Try to insulate yourself as much as you can from this woman until you complete this pregnancy. Don't be a victim! Try to handle things as proactively as you can to keep contact to a minimum. Don't let some crazy lady have you doubting the worth of your own life. Your kids need you! I'm glad you're talking to a therapist about this. Maybe you can convince him to go as well. Remember--he is not HER and she is not HIM. He can't help it if his mother is a wacko. But it's his mother. Try to understand his side, but at the same time, don't take anything from her as well. YOU need to control who you allow to push your buttons. Disconnect your phone, don't call her, invite her, etc. Let your boyfriend make sure he keeps in touch with her if he wants. This woman is not respecting you. I wouldn't pay her the time of day. Good luck to you. God bless.

First, get your phone number changed to an unlisted number if you tell the phone company you are recieving harassing phone calls they may do it for free if you agree to leave your number unlisted for at least a set peroid of time. Second, do not let her poisen your relationship with your fiance...then she wins. Third, take care of yourself, your baby and your children...talk to your therapist and consider going to an Al-Anon meeting with your guy.

No one can make you feel horrible about yourself unless you let them...I know you know that in your head, but you need to learn that in your heart. There is NO ONE in the world that should hold enough power over you to make you feel like ending your life. You were put here for a reason, you need to take control of your life and quit being her victim. Sit down and write about all the great things in your life starting out with the people you love, and why you love them. Think about how blessed you are with your children, you man, your home...a job, whatever. Stop and smell some flowers, take a walk in the sunshine, read a book with your kids, watch a movie, play Barbie's! look for peace where ever you can find it. When my mother used to play head-games with me sometimes just sitting on the pourch in the sun watching my girls ride their bikes was enough to help me find my center and calm my heart.

Quit fighting your guy about his Mom. I'm sure he knows how bad she is, but he probably doesn't have a clue of what to do either! Your best responce may be to throw your hands up in the air and tell him that he has to deal with his mother and her issues on his own and that you will no longer be involved at all with them. She can call him on his cell phone, he can see her on his time etc. but you and your kids are out of it. Then let it go. Don't ask, don't discuss, and don't fight about it afterwards...peroid. It's hard, but in the long run it will probably be best for your family. Sometimes in every relationship there are issues that just can't be resolved or discussed and you have to just agree to disagree then move on. Good luck, best wishes, & take care of yourself.

N.,
this woman is dangerous to you, to your children and to your relationship with your boyfriend. Break any contacts with her. Change your phone number if you have to. Tell your boyfriend how you feel, calmly, without anger. Tell him what you fear from her. Do so during a therapy session if necessary. Understand that she is his mother and no matter how bad she is he loves her. Tell him that he needs to get her help. If he does not he needs to keep her away from you.
This is tough, but you need not this kind of harassement, especially during your pregnancy. If he loves you he will understand.
Good luck.

I'm sorry you have to go through this, especially while being pregnant. I also have the mother-in-law from hell, but your situation sounds a lot worse. Maybe you could get a restraining oder put against her, without your boyfriend getting too upset. Really he should be the one defending you. It took for something very serious on my end for my husband to finally put his foot down with his mother, but I don't want that to happen to you since your pregnant. Try talking to your boyfriend again, and if he doesn't attend therapy with you try to get him to go. That might make him understand a little bit more about how you feel. I never did the therapy thing, probably should have though, but I was on antidepressants because of her. Like I said, try talking to your bf again, and try talking to him about the restraining order. You kids really don't need to be exsposed to this. Good Luck to you, any time you need to talk send me a message.
C.

Hi:
Sorry to hear about your troubles. If this woman is so hateful and hurtful and your booyfriend won't do anything about it, then I think you need to leave him. He obviously doesn't put your well-being on the same ranking as his mother.

Do yourself a favor and think about it. You deserve better.

Good luck.

It sounds like you need to take your fiancee to the therapist with you. You need to let him know her drinking and antics is destroying your relationship and jeporadizing the health of your unborn child. may be you need to do a family intervention with her since she is an alcoholic. may be if she went to treatment and stayed sober she would probably act different. she is out of control. tell your finacee if he does not help to do something about her then you will call the police. he needs to confront her and needs to realize she has a problem and by him ignoring it,will not make it better.

My suggestion is to talk to your boyfriend. Just because she does this other people does not mean you have to sit there and take it. She is hurting you in ways that she should not be. Ask your boyfriend what is more important you and the child you are carrying's health or him not confronting his mother on these obvious issues. I am sorry that you are going through this but if your boyfriend is willing to do nothing about it then you have to take care of it yourself by calling the police and whatever else. You have to take care of you and your children, If your boyfriend doesn't like it then I think you have some decisions to make. Good luck with your pregnancy and monster in law.

This is a terrible situation for you and your kids. I hate to say it, but your boyfriend seems to care more about soothing his mother than taking care of his family. You should probably have a serious talk with him about the whole situation, and if he still gives you grief about his mother and doesn't stand by you (the mother of his children), you may have to make the tough choice of leaving and keeping your children safe from this dangerous woman. I wish you all the best, good luck.

wow girl i feel so bad for you. My mother in law is not that bad but we have had it out a few times and she doesn't bother to call anymore (not even to speak to the children). Anyway if i were you i would just go down to the municipal building and file a restarining order and if your boyfriend doesn't want you to than you tell him he better tell her to stop calling or that is what your going to do. I understand it's his mother but if she is causing that much stress for you and your family than he should understand and if he doesn't than he is not thinking of his family first and needs to re prioritize whats more important. You need to do whats best for you, your unborn child and your other children. And if she is causing you to be seeing a therapist than girl stand up for you and your family and do what you have to do whether he likes it or not. good luck and my thoughts are with you and your family! Oh and in response to one of the responses above, it is ok to leave your 11 year old hoome alone as long as you feel she is responsible enough and she knows what to do in an emergency. It is not against the law at least not here in my town, i actually asked! Oh and maybe you should change your phone number and not have it listed.

N.,
Your boyfriend really needs to step up here and put his Mother in her place. This is not your battle but his responsibility to stand up to her and for what is right. In my opinion, if he is unwilling to do that well, I hate to say it then something major needs to happen. I would never put up with it and this is just an example of how years to come may be. Try to sit down with her maybe in a neutral environment to talk? Kill her with kindness? Do not let this woman control you or your emotions, you are a mother of soon to be 4 and your life and your children come first in this situation. She obviously has major issues and you can not let her issues and he behavior control your life and emotions. unplug the darn phone and use it when necessary. But all in all your boyfriend really needs to stand up to his mommy and protect you and your children.
Good luck
Chris

First of all, your boyfriend should not be ok or shrug off the way that his mom is treating you and other people for that matter. I you really feel that your boyfriend loves and will stick by your side then you need to tell how serious this is, not only for the way she is treating you and the environment that your children are in, but for his mothers well being, she clearly needs help. I understand that you are in a very sensitive situation right now, but you need to give him an choice! He does something about his mom or you're going to leave. Do you have the option of staying with family or a friend for a bit to give him the message. Sometimes its takes just a bit away for men to realize what they had. Not to this extent but I had major issues with my mother in law after our first child was born. Its a really long story so i won't get into details, but it certainly came between my husband and I for a long time, fortunately now everything is ok, but this is 5 yrs later. Its not an excuse but I'm sure that your boyfriend deep down inside understands what his mom is doing is wrong, but he is probably in denial? Has she been an alcoholic all her life, is that the type of mom your boyfriend grew up with? If so then strangely he may be immune to her and not really seeing the severity of the situation! Either way you need to figure out what is the best plan for you and your children at this point! It's possible that the approach that you could take with your husband could be more of a concern for her health instead of saying she has to be removed from your life. Go from that direction and try to get him to help you get her help or you're going to have to get a restraining order on her. You could go talk to the police and find out what your options are and what they suggest, they're probably going to say a restraining order. Either way do your best to stay strong, keep your children sheltered from her and remember no matter how bad it is it is still his mom and it could be a more sensitive subject for him than you realize! At least that was what happened in my experience, my husband was on the defensive and faulting me for a while until he finally came to and realized he didn't want to choose between me and his daughter and his mom, he quickly put his foot down! Good luck be safe and always remember you and your children always come first!!!! Jennifer

Hi,

She sounds like a real pain in the rear end. But when she starts just tell yourself that she is an alcoholic. And she possibly hates herself for it. Pray for her... I mean really pray for her. You are a good mom to keep her away from your child when she is drunk.

Ask her to get help. Ask your boy friend to help his mother get help. Otherwise trying to ignore her is only enabling her sickness. There are programs that will help family members of alcoholics because as you have learned first hand the debilitating disease hurts everyone involved. Especially children.

She can only affect you if you let her. Don't ever again say that you will hurt yourself especially because of someone else's sick behavior.

When your child hears her ranting explain to him that she has a bad dis-ease called alcoholism. And alcoholics sometimes say hurtful things to loved ones because they are hurting. It sounds trite but children understand sometimes better than we think. And this would be the perfect time to teach him why drinking alcohol is a bad idea.

Good Luck.

I have some similar difficulties with my mother in law. The real problem is that your fiance does not put you first, and doesn't realize he should, and doesn't have the courage to disappoint his mother to give you peace, which is not how he should be treating the mother of his children. I also had a huge issue happen with my husbands mom while I was on bed rest during my 8th month of pregnancy. My husband's lack of protecting me when I most needed him was the last straw and caused me to take action and almost leave etc. Now, even though he is still weak, through therapy and being told what is right, at least he doesn't fight me anymore when his mom is being outrageous and he does follow the rules because he understands he will lose his family . Things have been much better, and I've even gotten along better with her since she hasn't been allowed to bulldoze me and she does want to see the grand kids. You need to focus on him and do whatever it takes for yourself and your children to have a happy home. There is nothing you can do about her. You have to hold your fiance accountable - it is totally his responsibility. Many men today have this problem. Even the bible says your wife comes before all others including your mother-meaning it's pretty basic and old fashioned and how a family functions. I know he's your boyfriend, but it doesn't sound like it would be different if you married him. And don't marry him if this doesn't change!!! Realize you have rights! It's not good for your children to be around an alcoholic OR to see their parents fighting OR to see their mother being mistreated. Be strong! Good luck!

Talk to your therapist about her, asking what you can do about it. Maybe the therapist can have a good talk with your fiance about the emotional well being of your family, and that he has to make a stand to his mom in the best interest of his family. Does he love and want this child you are carrying? If so, you could very well loose this child because of his mom doing such things. If he knows this and does not care, then you need to speak to your therapist to find out options that you can do. You may not like the answers you come up with. In the end, your fiance is going to have to decide what he wants more. Does he want you and the family he has started...or does he want his mommy? His mom is pushing her son/your fiance to choose who he loves more..you (& the family the tow of you have started) or her. Your fiance needs to decide who it is he wants to protect more, his family or his mom. You need to talk with your therapist and think about protecting your family from her if he does not stand up to her. BTW..it could have been your fiance who enabled his mom to call by calling the phone company to have the number lifted from block. Only way to tell that would be to call phone company. Other than that caller ID, and let the answering machine pick it up. Ask your therapist, but you should document and record each message that your future mother-in-law makes in regard to threatening/etc. This is serious..and your therapist should be able to help give you options. The decisions have to be yours though.

This really falls on your boyfriend. He needs to stand up and be a man for you and the children. He needs to go over there and tell her what needs to be said and that's it. If he can't or won't do that for you and the children, then you will have to call the police for harassment and take it into your own hands. This isn't just affecting you. This is affecting the children and if he can't take care of this, the relationship may just end.

There are services out there you may be able to purchase for your phone where you have to screen and accept each and every call that comes in. My brother and his wife have that on their phone. They can turn it on and off as needed. Before the phone will even ring, the service asks for your name, then it rings in to you and you can deny the call all together. They won't be able to leave a message if denied. If you blocked her phone number, she's probably just using another one. If you need to keep blocking one number after another, do so. And if she goes into a calling frenzy, have your son just shut the phone off or at least the ringer so he doesn't have to hear it. You can always buy one of those pre pay phones to keep next to the phone so if there's an emergency and he needs to call out or if you need to call in, you can use that. If all else fails, change your number and make it unlisted. It's a pain to change it over with all your bills and stuff, but if it'll save you some aggravation and your boyfriend won't ball up, what else can you do. Good luck!

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HarrisburgPAChat

Pray pray pray and have faith that god will see you through this and as far as her talking about your mon(my mom is gone too so i feel you) but someone has to act as the adult and block her number out refer to the phone book on how to block her out, and as far as you feeling like killing yourself always remember you have children who needs you and it aint worth it at all and when she calls you names dont act like a kid thats what she wants you to do so she can keep you upset she seems to be childish and getting drunk dosent help at all but try to ignore her and dont let her get under your skin once again i say to ask god to fix this for you and he will you have to believe and keep the faith and watch how he fixes the mom

Hi N.!
Please, please, please get yourself to an al-anon meeting. It is a support group for family and friends of alcoholics.
I've been going for almost two years. I moved down to GA to the love of my life and found he had been replaced by an angry alcoholic. At the encouragement of a friend with 20 years sobriety, I was at my first mtg a week after my arrival. It was a women's group, and I sobbed the whole time. It didn't take me long to move out of his house, but I was already pregnant. He has chosen not to participate, and my al-anon friends have really gotten me through. You won't find guidelines about calling the police, but if you get talking to people after the mtg you will find others who have been in your shoes. That much I can promise you.
You can find mtg times on-line. I'd be happy to go with you. That might sound odd from a stranger, but you wouldn't believe the things strangers have done for me (like offering me a home to get me out of his house, or giving me full nursery furnishings). Just remember that different mtgs are different. It's recommended that you try a couple different rooms if you need to. It can help just seeing how textbook her bahvior is, and you will probably recognise your boyfriend in a lot of the stories you hear, too. I wish I could tell how the things you say fit in so completely with my experiences at mtgs, but this isn't the place. Just remember that alcholics try to make you think your crazy; it is one of their few defense mechanisms.
Good luck to you. Please contact me with any questions. I wish you the best.
Martha B.

Hey N.,

Congratulations on the pregnancy! Good luck with it. My husband and I are about to start trying too shortly - I'll be high risk too. Stay calm and take care of YOU and the kids. I know this sounds totally corny but with my MIL and other stresses it has been working for me...affirmations. Deepak Chopra has a new CD out called the "Soul of Healing Affirmations." If you open your mind a little, it's just nice to hear nice things.

Anyhoo, moving on to the MIL sitch. I must say I'm disappointed in your BF for not defending you and putting her in his place. However, this may be a woman territorial thing and when the BF does the talking it's like he's taking sides, which he is but that doesn't have to be in her face, you know. I know I have had to tell my MIL off a couple of times to tune her up. It's HARD, but it's earned me respect. Don't give her power over your life. Take the reigns and approach the MIL with love and say, I want you to be a part of your grands lives but not when you behave this way and you may not watch them if you don't respect their mother. I respect you for having raised the man I love and I expect the same in return. Please always take the higher road. And if that doesn't work then perhaps you should leave. Not for good, just to prove that you are done, very serious and won't tolerate this behavior. She is being nasty and believe me I know how that feels. I'm so sorry about your mom having passed. My mom is alive but lives in another country and never pays any attention to us or all her grands. My MIL has used that against me in the past as well, it does hurt. Why do they do this? Will we do this to our son's wives/families? I hope not. Is she threatened? Is she alone? Is she mental? Has she ever had a stable relationship other than that with her son?

Say if you care about your grands at all you will stop this behavior and calm down, seek help if needed and treat me with the respect I deserve.

Regarding your fear of walking down the aisle. If this man to whom you have been engaged to for how long I don't know is a good person, treats you well, cares for your children and his step-children then why be afraid? I've done this too. Forget the past, your BF didn't hurt you before he's here now and shouldn't suffer the sins of your ex. If you love him, really love him then marry him. It will strengthen your committment, show your children a good role model marriage and probably give you more confidence to deal with your MIL. My two cents if you want it.

Please take care of you and the little ones at whatever cost. They are the priority.

Take care,
J.

ps - those affirmations are cool too. I know it's strange but it helps me calm down and focus.

I say get out while you can. If your boyfriend is sticking up for his mom while you are pregnant by him and he knows that this could hurt all of the kids and you, leave. It may not be pleasent, but it may shake him up enough to choose to do the right thing.

You don't need the BS right now and need to focus on you and the baby. I can't see how your BF can condone her behavior and be okay with threatening you and calling you nasty names in your condition and you shouldn't be okay with it either which clearly you are not. It sounds like your relationship is toxic all around. His mother treats you terribly and he doesn't do anything about it. I think you know where I am going with this.

Check out suport groups through Alcoholics Anonymous for FAMILY support. There are many groups that meet for family members. It may help both you and your boyfriend to seek support from others that have people in their lives with similar issues. It may also help you to learn things about your boyfriend - if this woman raised him her addiction certainly would have affected him in ways he may not even know. As far as her calls: If you have cell phones why not just unplug the phone at home or turn off the machine and ringer in your home? Be strong and find support, it seems like you will need it for the duration of your relationship.

WOW! Talk about being on the opposite sides of the spectrum here! Let me share my situation.
I met my BF at the time who is now my Husband through his mother 12 years ago. However when we started dating....she bacame absolutely wicked.....the phone calls, twisting stories, manipulation and it became worst after I got pregnant with my first (very similar to what you have been going through). That she actually pushed me into a wall. His sister was also involved through this madness and was not much better. Anyway, we had our second, his mother and sister along w/ her husband did everything possible to destroy us even kicking me out of their house three times?!, and I mean just about EVERYTHING!!! It cause all kinds of problems b/w my husband and I all because "I" couldn't swallow it and "be the better person"!!! "Hello?, since when did I become a DOG?" SO---after eight LONG years, hubby and I moved into a house and married (no proposal, no wedding-a mistake, I don't even know yet). Since we said our "I do's", I have not heard nor seen this woman nor sister and husband. It's been four years and since then we've had a couple more kids. AND we fight still because it's my fault that she is not in our lives anymore (these are the times I point out that our kids are listening to how I am being treated, is this a normal way to be treated? Is it okay to be bad mouthed and he (my hubby) do nothing about it? Where is my respect not only as an individual but as a mother?). Mind you I have never kept him away from her. I have told him he could have his relationship with his mother and sister as long as I nor the children are not involved with her. This is what keeps him from seeing her, or so he says...but his mother has NEVER cared for my kids, never sent cards, written letters, not even a phone call. But when she (in the past) has been around them before the marriage, she would "buy" their love. Today she has yet to meet nor care for our two newest additions to our little family and they are now 3. Do I care, No I do not, though the fights still tend to go on and it's "my fault" opposed to the reality of the situation, He has not let go of his mothers' strings and she has washed her hands of us since we became officially husband and wife. He is and has always been able to see/talk to his mother as long as the children and I are NOT involved. I don't ask, and I don't care. She has called ONCE...in the four years and spoken directly to me asking for her son, I in return am dipolmatic and relayed the message, without the "how are yous? Silence is what gets them all. Do I wonder if I have made the right choices--YES!!!, and everyday. Though I have been fortuanate in one area, we don't discuss his mom or family infront of the kids--knock on wood).
SO---moving on along, it seems that your BF will stand up for her as all little mamas boys will...( please don't take offense) and most times will put them infront of you. Your reality is standing right before you and you need to decide on how you can "alter the situation" so it's not so effective on you and the family.So while you are dealing with an alcoholic, I dealt (or am still dealing with a wicked widow-who acts if everything happened yesterday)!(Not to be harsh, but it's been twenty years since his fathers' passing)
Ideas---get an answering machine. Change your number, if anything, see if you can get away from having a land line for awhile and use your cell (unlisted), that way if she calls, she only has her sons' number. Erase her messages as soon as you hear her voice. More importantly, if she continues to threaten your life along with your children, then I would even consider moving. We all could use a change, though it's not an idea to be taken lightly since with todays' factors are getting costly, BUT---it is your life.
Always try to remember these words---"God give me the strength to get through this day, for I am one, strong and willing." OR..."Pray for me, us (whatever the choice)" Give your self a pat on the back for the smallest things you do, cause you are not only patting yourself but for all of us women in your shoes. If I can do it so can YOU!!!

BEST of luck.
PS what ever you face now, marriage will not change it, for you already know, it's added asset. (Not trying to discourage you- but if he continues not to back you up nor support you, just think of how your kids will view you as a person and mom.)

Mom of 4.

It is obvious that this woman is abusive to you, and putting your children in danger. If your boyfriend is not supporting you in this now, how do you think he will support you in other important issues down the line? You need to protect yourself and your children. If you are planning to marry this man because of the children...don't do it. Being a child of divorce has taught me that kids see and hear everything and if you don't have a healthy relationship with your partner it will have long term affects on their future relationships with you and others. Just remember, you are NOT alone! If you think that you can work things out with your boyfriend, you might get him to see a therapist with you for couples counseling. It sounds like you are a very strong woman. I can see that because you were strong enough to remove your children from this woman's path of destruction, and you were strong enough to know that you needed help by seeing a counselor yourself. I know you can get through this no matter what your decision is. Good luck!
J. W.

you are wise in your years if a man or a woman can not stand by their spouse before they are married it is highly likey it will happen after the ceremony. As a pastor of 40 years I know that it is hard as you want to be aall you can be for this Knight in Shining armour. But hes not looking after how his mother is effecting you. He should be the one that says " Mom you'll always be my mom but please call me on your cell phone if you need me don't call the house its upsetting my wife and children" in most cases you can get a Prevention From Abuse order if you need to without going to police and pressing charges.
But Ask your boyfriend to get on the same page as you are and sit and truly talk about the issue and demand he take action as your children are hurting because of her cold callous abusive attitude.