HELP! Toddler Extremely Clingy

Hi R.,
"I feel your pain." I've been there and then some.
My uncle once made an astute observation. He said, crying doesn't hurt the child as much as it does the parent. The magnetic pull of a child crying to a mom is like super glue. I don't like hearing my child crying but I do allow it to go on for a little bit...because I know she's safe and not in any (physical) pain.
Our little one gave us a hassle for a short time so I agree with the physician that it's probably a phase. (Teething could be it too...you'll have to look at his gums to see if you see some little ones coming thru or possibly an ear infection...again, Doc will know.)
If it's not a medical condition and truly a phase, maybe this will help. While cooking, cleaning, emailing, paying bills, etc, we parked her in the jumper or the playpen near us so that she could see that we hadn't left her and we talked to her constantly. Playing music and Sesame Street were God-sends. You may feel like you're going slightly insane during this time but it will pass.
If you have some family or friends that can give you and your husband a break for a couple of hours, TAKE ADVANTAGE! :o) Another great find was our preschool.
Stay strong R.!

PHASE. Maybe teething too.
I have 20-month old daughter. I think I could write the exact same story above. My husband used to read her a bedtime story, help out in the middle of the night, take her to the park, etc., but now she only wants Mommy, Mommy, Mommy.
Also, I can't even go to the restroom, take a shower, etc. even though my husband is there playing with her. The whole time, it's MOMMY! MOMMY! and crying like her heart is breaking.
I've been told kids this age are just starting to understand they're a separate person in the world and are starting to learn more things about the world and that's a scary thing!
Tell your husband to hang in there! Many other daddies go through the same thing. Your son will grow out of it eventually! (I'm hearing it should get better around 2 years old . . .let's cross our fingers.)

Oh R.... this is just one of MANY phases that your little one will go thru. I have found that the most important thing to do is NOT give in. When you give in it shows your son that he cn get what he wants by throwing a fit or crying. I know that it is so hard when your baby is screaming, yelling or even hurting themselves to not give in. I am a single (divorced - his dad left when he was 1) mom of a VERY strong willed 2 1/2 year old boy. He still throws tantrums sometimes and I simply tell give him whatever answer I feel is appropriate to his request and if he throws a fit I simply tell him that will get him no where, that you get what you get and you don't throw a fit (one of mu favorite saying from his daycare lady)and allow him to throw his tantrum, yes, even in public (of course if he gets really bad i take him away from others so they don't have to listen to him). He now does this MUCH less often as he realizes that he is not going to get a rise out of me. Please tell your husband that there will come a time when all your son wants is daddy and NOT mommy. My sister lives with us and some days it all about Auntie and NOT mommy and vice versa. I am sure that at this stage he wants you since he knows that you are the one that puts him back to sleep thus soothing his anguish. And yes, my son very often acted out when he was teething as he was talking at 18 months but not enough to always tell me what was going on. If his day is starting to take a turn for the worse look at or feel his gums to see if he has any new teeth coming in. If so, use teething drops or motrin (motrin lasts 6 hours instead of tylenol which only lasts 4). Parenting is never very easy but SOOOO worth it. Keep up the good work. It'll all pay off! PROMISE!!

My son went through the same thing from 18-19 months. I couldn't do anything. My sister-in law said my neice, who also had twins, went through the same thing with her sons around the same age. The good news is it was a stage and it passed. The bad news is you might be prolonging it because you're not following good sleep practices with your son. You shouldn't be going in to him after you put him down. It's really hard to hear him cry but every time you go back in you're are reinforcing the behavior.At his age, he should sleep through the night without being coaxed back to sleep. Lots of info on the sleep subject out there. By the way, his sister, who didn't go through such a clingy stage, did go through a disruptive sleep stage a couple of weeks before my son. She would scream and physically resist being put in the crib which was bizarre because both of them always (once they got past the young baby stage) went down easily (I've always followed the recommended sleep practices even when it was really hard). Anyway, the phase soon passed. Hang in there.

Hi R.,
First, I'd like to offer this increadible on-line book I have that really helped our family change the bad habits that were contributing to my daughters sleep habits. From reading this book, it made me realize that the problems my daughter was having were actually created and enforced by me. The two major mistakes I was making was staying in her room until she fell asleep, and when she woke up in the middle of the night, bringing her into my bed. My mistake was never teaching my daughter to fall asleep on her own. She needed me for comfort, and slowly expected me to get her and bring her in bed. This was fine for a while, but as she got older, she started to become a bedhog and wouldn't leave me alone. So, I wasn't getting enough sleep and starting to feel resentful towards her.
The nursing has got to stop in the middle of the night. That is what is triggering him to wake, and demand you. I understand that you are not interested in the CIO method, but until you read this book....don't knock it. Don't worry, the book also gives you other ways to help your child sleep through the night. But, I really suggest reading the book.
When I started sleep training my daughter, I began with a very strict bedtime/nap ruitine. After a few weeks of doing/saying the same things to her she finally stopped crying after I left the room. What a miracle. When she woke up in the middle of the night, I did the same things, said the same thing to her, never took her out of her crib. I just stopped bring her into my bed cold turkey. Now, at the age of 2 1/2, she sleep through the night. Finally.......
So, shoot me an email at ____@____.com and I will forward it to you. (anyone else too)
Good luck!
M.

The clinginess is probably just a phase, but the sleep problem is a separate issue. I think you need to do sleep training, and I recommend Dr. Ferber's book and Dr. Weisbluth's book- I used them both with both my great sleepers. Assuming he has no ear infection or anything (and teething sucks, but shouldn't disrupt sleep that much), give him some motrin for teething and do sleep training.
If you're a total pushover with him in general and your husband isn't, he won't change, but assuming you're not, the clinginess is just a phase and he'll get through it. My son was the same way at 19 months and is getting past it now at 26 months. It might help to try to cook during naptime and do big dishes that provide leftovers so you can hang out with him and keep him distracted during tough times (late afternoon is our hard time, when my son gets clingy).
It's tough for your husband, but try to still keep your husband involved and think of fun things for them to do together (art, bubbles, stack cheerios on raw spaghetti noodles standing up in play-doh, etc.). He's going through a lot of changes now and just don't let him think you're exasperated with him or that you're sick of him, and he'll be fine. Oh- and the Love and Logic book is great too (not for sleep training, but general child behavior). It might be helpful in dealing with the tantrums and identifying what triggers them. You're doing great- he's supposed to want to be near you!

I too have a pretty "clingy" little one. He's 21 months but he's pretty much always been this way, I stay home with him so I pretty much am next to him 24/7 so maybe this is why? I was just going to suggest something that might help with the cooking situation. For the most part when I need to be in the kitchen I put my son in his highchair and keep him entertained with something, ether snacks, crayons and paper, pretty much whatever he is into. This seems to help me out alot, hopefully it will for you too. Oh and in regards to the tantrums, he tries to through one every now and then and I completely ignore him. Just turn around or walk away, it should stop within seconds = )

This is a phase all toddlers go through for as long as their moms let them =) He is old enough to be sleeping through the night without a feeding or comforting. Stop going in and he will stop expecting it. At this point you have him trained to cry until you cave in. I would say some sleep training is in order. Get Weissbluth or Ferber's book and stick to it. The first couple nights are hard, but then it will be done and both you and your child will be much happier. Good sleep is essential for all of you and your health. As for the issues of him just wanting mommy, this is normal, but sometimes you just have to stand back and let dad do his job. I know its hard, but leave the house and go for a walk if you can't stand the crying. let dad get things under control, he will figure it out if you let him. I don't care how bad the tantrum is, if you give in to your little guy now, you are setting the tone for the future. Ignore his tantrums and walk away until he gets himself under control. Just my 2 cents.

I'm sure it's a phase, but when my 17 month old son is sick or teething he always gets extra clingy. I would try to figure if it's something like that, if it's teething, when he starts to do it, try a teething biscuit or a wet wash rag, or whatever normally works for you. If that helps, that could be part of the problem. When my son wants me (and I know he's not sick, I always pick him up if he is sick), I sometimes tell him to wait a minute while I finish the dishes or a certain thing. He does cry a little, but I always talk or sing to him to let him know I feel his pain but he has to wait, and then I go and get him after I do whatever. I think he has been getting better with this. You can also try putting him in a baby carrier on your back while you cook, if he really does just want the closeness, that should make him happy.

Also, it's so hard right now because they can't tell you what they want, and they get frustrated and freak out. Try asking him what he wants, use specific examples/show things to him, nursing, water, food, a toy, etc. That can cause tantrums for what seems like no reason.

I have no advice for the sleep thing, my son's sleep habits change every few months, and we have to suffer through each time. Probably just a phase as well. The only wanting you phase will also change, yesterday my son would not let my husband go to work, first time ever, and he always prefers me unless he's sick (I'm not as comfortable to sleep on). It did make my husband feel good, since he often feels left out when he isn't wanted.

Some kids respond well to homeopathy when going through a phase like this. It's cheap (about $7), widely available over the counter in pharmacies, and has no side effects. If a remedy doesn't fit the child or the symptoms (either emotional or physical) closely enough, it simply won't do anything. If it does fit, the result can look almost miraculous. The child will be more calm and comfortable, and parental anguish subsides accordingly.

For clingy children, PULSATILLA is a usual first remedy to try. If that doesn't work, you can enter "homeopathy, children, and (your child's symptoms/behavior)" for other suggestions. I've had good results. If your young son can't or won't hold the little pellet under his tongue for at least a couple of minutes to let it dissolve, you can shake a couple of pellets up in a little clean water and give it as drops over several minutes.

One other thought is that children going through a difficult phase will often want the company of the more comforting / less demanding parent. This is not a judgement, only a suggestion. If daddy, for example, has high expectations for his child's behavior or capabilities, the child will quite reasonably want softer mommy-love when he's in an emotionally choppy phase.

Oh my gosh, we just came out of this! My son is 21 months old. I think part of it was his teething. I even pulled all my neck muscles and my right arm and shoulder carrying him around so much. We finally just threw our hands up and said I had to sit down and be with him and my husband would have to do for me some of the things I couldn't do with him in my arms. And, now, its over! All of a sudden, he isn't as clingy anymore.