Help, Stubborn Daughter and Husband

First, it is pretty normal for even a 3 year old to strongly prefer their mama over their daddy. Second, if your husband insists on your daughter interacting with him on HIS terms, he won't win that struggle. He needs to get smart and start "wooing" her. I know this would be hard for him to accept, but he could really benefit from some play therapy sessions with her. A good place to consider is the Center for Social Success. I think their website is www.dristre.com or maybe www.drsusanistre.com - at any rate, you can Google Center for Social Success and find it (in Dallas near 635 and Hillcrest). It's just a quicker, "smarter" way for him and her both to learn how to interact, play and show affection with each other. They would not judge him at all! They would really give him lots of positive reinforcement for being proactive and caring enough to take this step.

I would definitely say don't discipline her for lack of affection or lack of showing it. OTOH, she needs to be respectful of him. So I would work with him on y'all setting rules about acknowledging him but not having to hug on demand (who wants to do that?) - just teaching her some basic good manners that you would want her to show anyone else, and certainly a parent. And tell him to quit pouting - that is so childish and just draws her into a very unhealthy pattern of interactions with males! He has got to rise above this, and he does need help learning better patterns...but rather than put it that way, you might suggest that all 3 of you take some "social skills lessons" together...kind of like a workshop, so he will realize it will just be for a short duration. I would also stress to the counselor that you guys want to work on some issues as a family but you really want to keep it short-term and goal focused. This lets everyone know up-front that there will be an ending to it! Good luck.

Here are some that I thought related well to your situation.

Shaping Attitudes
These practical suggestions can help shape your child's behavior and character.
http://www.troubledwith.com/ParentingChildren/A000000402....

Shaping a Child's Will
Parents' actions and reactions are key in teaching submission.
http://www.troubledwith.com/ParentingChildren/A000000405....

Ten Things Toddlers Wish They Could Tell You
It can do wonders for the frazzled parent to know what's going on in the mind of your little one.
http://www.troubledwith.com/ParentingChildren/A000000392....

May God bless your family.

Hi M.,
You and your husband are the only ones who know if the issue is the amount of time spent, or quality of time spent together, etc. We all can make some improvements in this area, but generally speaking you will know if it is an issue or not. My husband is a wonderful father. Interactive, appropriate, and so so loving. He makes routine things fun, however he has gone through some of the same thing.

First off, your husband is taking her response personally and it may very well just be her; a stage, a new emotion developing, her need for independence (all are normal at this age). I would encourage him to relax and not make it a big deal....don't make her question her emotions....that is the only gauge she will have later in life and she needs to be able to trust herself and her senses in problem solving and conflict resolution.

With the above said, I am starting to teach my girls (now 3 and 4) to respect Daddy. When he calls from out of town, we stop what we are doing and say hi and love you. At this age, the world revolves around 'me' and nothing else matters except "my wants and my needs".....it is a process but one we are working one now.

Another thing is, when she is resisting him, the last thing he needs to do is withdrawal. Let the message be: I am ALWAYS here for you. Some children (and adults) resist some to see if the other person will try harder to show they love them. He could test this by being playful and trying to catch her or something light hearted....something we do is chase them and "tickle the crankies out." My oldest is somewhat like your child and this even works on her. She is also the child that when she gets hurt or frustrated, she reacts in an angry way and sometimes starts to get out of control (of course we are learning what acceptable responses are in these situations), but I have figured out that she just is charged that way....we have to mold it and shape it to be appropriate.

Sounds normal to me. When we went through this, we started doing 'date' times with each child. Mommy with one, while Daddy was with the other. We did our errands and got a lil' treat or something, nothing big. My husband has said this has helped him and the younger child bond more....when he is all she is with, she leans on him more and the relationship is growing....

The first thing is for him to NOT take it personally---unless areas of their interactions need to be improved----but in general this is not abnormal.

Discipline her for not wanting to be affectionate to someone? Absolutely not. Everyone has a right to make that choice for themself even a three year old. As some of the other moms said, as hard as it may be, he cannot take it personally. He has to continue showing his unconditional love toward her and letting her take the lead on how she wants to be loved by her dad. I agree with you when you told your husband to just sit and play with her, not to force what he wants on her. It will take time, but if he is patient and lets her make the decisions when it comes to affection, things will change. When my oldest son was 1, my husband dressed him every morning and I dropped him off at the sitters while we went to work. In the evenings, I picked him up and his dad watched him while I made dinner and usually bathed him. We took turns putting him to bed. After a while my son much preferred his dad's company to mine and wanted his dad to do everything for him, never me. It nearly broke my heart, but I talked to my husband about it. It even made me have angry feelings toward him. It may not have been fair, but I can't help what I felt. I started spending more one on one time with my son and things slowly returned to normal. I did end up quitting my job to stay home with my son and have another baby and things improved between us even more. I know your husband can't quit his job and stay home, but he can plan special outings for he and your daughter and take on some of the responsibilities of her everyday care like putting her to bed or having breakfast with her every morning. Good luck to your family.

M.,
I don't have an article, this is just my opinion. Kids can read people better than anyone. She might be closer to you than her daddy, you spend more time with her one on one. Plus, she's three, so for her whole life, how much interaction has she had with him, if he feels she doesn't want him around he ignores her, then she does the same to him. Does she get a little mad at you too when he comes home? Maybe she feels like he's taking you away... I have a 2 1/2 year old, he pretty antisocial kid... he gets jealous big time when someone pays attention to me... whether it's his siblings or dad, he wants to be right next to me then.
Maybe your husband needs to spend one-on-one time with her; she might cry when you first leave, have him take her to the park or something she likes to do. Make it constant for awhile and see if the relationship improves some. He might just have to wait until she gets older... If he wants to have a close relationship with her, one day he will...
Keep your faith!
God Bless!