Help Need Advice... - Indianapolis,IN

As everyone else has said, your daughter's safety is the number one priority. I am in a somewhat similar situation & I am torn at the decisions I have to make about things. If having your daughter at the aunt's house doesn't raise a red flag for the dad, he has NO business having say in where she goes. He clearly isn't responsible enough to realize that he's putting his daughter in harms way. It might seem unfair at the moment, but your daughter will understand eventually & be greatful that she has such a great & caring mom. :)

Hi M.. You need to put your foot down. Your dauhter will eventually understand and as a mom, it is your job to protect her from anything that may be harmful. Her Dad isn't picking her up because he wants to. It is out of obligation if he is leaving her with others to do his job. He can visit her on your terms, but no overnight visits. Good lUck!

M.,
Just briefly, put your foot down.
Your daughter's welfare comes BEFORE any other consideration.
Allow him to see her only at your place or when you are present.
Unfortunately you will be the "bad" guy for a while but this is necessary.
Whether she loves him or not, she does not need to be in the company of a liar etc.
Explain to her what lying is, and tell her that you do not want her heart to be broken anymore.
As long as this other situation exists with the aunt, I would make sure that your daughter is NOT exposed to any danger.
This is going to take no-nonsense backbone on your part and my prayers are with you.
I have a 7 year-old granddaughter.

M.,
I know it's hard to watch your child miss her father when you know he's a loser. I was raised without my father and my daughter without hers. We both learned as we got older that we rea;;y were better off without them. It sounds as though you have remarried and have a happy life. If your husband loves her like his own she will be just fine. My daughter & I learned that any man can be a father that doesn't make them a good Dad. You have to put your daughters safety before her emotions. I find that telling the truth is not just a lesson to keep children in line, it's something you must do to have a open relationship with your child. My daughter is 19 now I never lied or hid anything from her. She tells me everything and I mean everything! She's a great kid and very well behaved she still checks in when shes out with friends. Let your daughter know that you love her and why you don't want her to go. If she knows the truth she can better protect herself. I know she is 7 but they have good touch bad touch programs in school for your childs protection so why not incorporate it into your home. YOu don't have to get over detailed, she is only 7 & we don't want to ruin her innocence. If her father has a problem he needs to know that if he can't put his daughter first then he should move on until he can. Be supportive of your daughter and your love will prevail. Best of luck.

Personally I would put my foot down and not let her go with him if he wont heed your requests for your daughter not to be around this other man. Your daughter will in the long run be thankful for your protection. I would think that you could talk to your daughter about this man and why you dont want her around him ( ie that he does inapporpriate things that can hurt girls). Also if you talk with her about it openly she might talk openly about it if her dad does lie to you and she ends up in that situation again!! Good luck.

Hey M.,
I know where your coming from I was in the exact same situation when my daughter was 5. My daughter's father was never there in and out when it was his weekend he would take her to McDonald's and leave her at his mom's house for the whole weekend, and she thought he was the best father in the world. When I asked her how was your weekend with your dad (because you always need to ask) she would say I don't know he wasn't there. Most of the time he would leave her with the girlfriend and the girlfriend was mean to her. Here I am struggling as a single parent and he gets her Mickey D's and he always made it seem like he was the good parent because he never said no. Then he would even mention to her don't tell your mom i just dropped you off at grandma's or Nicole's (girlfriend)which is a scary thought because i'm teaching her to come to me for anything, he's teaching her to keep secrets from me. Well come to find out the girlfriend had a cousin that was a convicted molestor that used to live with her for a year. When I had enough of being the bad parent I sat her down we had a conversation about sex, good touch bad touch, I asked her did anything happen over to Nicole's while dad was gone, needless to say nothing happened..but just the thought sent me in a rage of madness. I made it a reassurance to her you can tell mommy anything, because it's my job to protect you as much as I can even if your dad gets out of line then I will be there to see him. I laid down the law with him, if you want to spend time with your daughter then you will spend it here at the house I will leave and you two can have your time. You should develop a meeting place, friends houses, your mom, his mom use your motherly instincts and don't feel bad about laying down the law. There is one thing his mother told me I'll never forget cause she went through it with his father, kids are like sponges they absorb everything. You don't have to talk about her dad all the bad stuff he does she will see it for herself and those father figures in her life will step up. Then I thought that day would never come, but that's the best advice she could have given me, after awhile my daughter got tired of not spending time with her father. After a while she told him look if your not going to spend time with me then don't bother to pick me up. At first these words shocked me because she was probably around 8 she had never brought it to his attention how she felt as she got older she got tired. Now she doesn't even want to be bothered with him, I spoke for her when she couldn't speak for herslf and now she's 13. Unfortunatly children are brought into adult situations with no fault of their own, my advice to you, keep asking questions, keep reasurring your daughter your responsibility as a parent,occupy her time she won't have time to dwell on what she is missing. Children know more than you think, and keep praying cause what's to come is 13(puberty)and you gotta keep your strength and faith on that cause it's coming :) ...Stay Blessed and I Will Pray For You as Well.

Protecting your daughter is the first priority. You should check and see if he is registered as a child molester. And you should talk to her father and let him know that if he cannot assure you of her safety while she is with him, he will need to vist at a neutral place or in your home. Better a few hours quality time than none at all. And you may need to make it legal. How about an anonymous call to child protective services on the molester?

First and foremost, your priority is to your daughter's safety, even above hurting her feelings. As parent's, we often have to make many decisions that our children don't like at the moment, but WE know is better for them. That said . . .

1. If he truly can't be trusted, you will need to find a way to tell your daughter visits will only be when he can come to your home (or not at all, or whatever you decide). And you will probably have to take some sort of legal action as well.

2. If you can give him another chance,
Can you have a heart-to-heart with her father? Explain to him clearly that you are concerned about the aunt's boyfriend, and under no circumstances should your daughter be allowed there without his direct supervision. Explain your daughter's desire to spend time with HIM, and suggest that if he wants to go out on his weekends without her, you are happy to come pick her up and cut their visits short.

Work together to lay-out guidelines as to what is acceptable during the visits (a good time to get on the same page on discipline too), and state consequences from the beginning. For example, if she gets dumped onto the aunt and grandma, no more visits, period. Could you also provide your daughter with her own phone just for the visits (no, I am not otherwise advocating kids have cell phones)? This way she could call you the moment she is dropped off at the aunts home alone and you could come pick her up.

Bottomline, your daughter's safety is most important! Work to protect her! I pray you will have wisdom in handling this situation . . .