Help.. My Son Is Outta Control

Just a few thoughts:

First of all this is a phase, but it needs to be stopped now, or it will get now or it will get worse.

One thing you can do is:
He is small enough that when he starts to act out, hold him close, controlling both his arms and legs so that he can not move or hit you, and say, you may not hit me or kick me. Say it once How him close until he calms down. Then say while you are looking him in the eye, you many not hit or kick me. It is important to stay calm and that is very hard to do.

Another thing you may want to do is to continue to put him in his room with a lock on the outside. That way you have control of when he can come back into the family. Again it is important to verbalize that you many not hit or kick. Do not leave him in the room for more than a minute at his age.

At his age I would do the former, rather than the later.

Hi T..
So, you're getting married and you're expecting a new baby. Seems like a household in flux (albeit good flux). I'm betting that your little guy is right in the middle of everything that goes along with major life changes. I know he's very young, but he knows that his little world is being altered by forces that he simply doesn't understand. Please be patient with him. He doesn't have the cognitive abilities to deal with or to communicate his frustrations and confusion. My advise is to give him lots of attention so he doesn't get, or feel, lost in the shuffle. Toddlers are not good listeners anyway, to which most parents can attest. It's up to us grown ups to be flexible and understanding. Wyatt will most likely grow out of this stage soon enough, only to enter the next. That's how kids develop. Some are just more demonstrative than others. The times my kids threw kicking fits, I literally wrapped my arms around them and calmly (not easy!) talked to them or just held them until they settled down. Sometimes you just have to let the kid work it out, by ignoring the behavior. That teaches kids self-calming skills. I know it's not a happy part of parenting, but it is typical. Knowing that your child is doing what most kids his age do, and realizing that all parents have to deal with it at one time or another helps. Your fiance needs to understand that you are not causing Wyatt to act up. He is a very young child dealing with life in his own limited way. Perhaps I'm off base here, but I think it's telling that Wyatt starts to act up when your fiance gets home. Just wondering. If the tantrums continue or get more extreme, you may consider consulting Wyatt's pediatrician. You have a lot on your plate, and there's nothing wrong with calling in reinforcements. Good luck with the new baby. Make sure Wyatt gets a big brother prize. (Instead of a gift for a new baby, I give something to older siblings, if there are any. They so often get and feel ignored when a newborn arrives on the scene.)

* A quick note on apartments *

If it's not insulated well enough...that's not your fault. We lived in an apartment for years, and while we tried to be quiet, we had to make the decision that we weren't going to compromise on our parenting because it might annoy someone. If someone's annoyed they can take it up with the office & switch buildings. You're not blasting music, having wild parties, or (heaven forbid) doing laundry after 10pm. Anything else they can suck it up. If they really felt that way about not being around kids there are child free apartments. Any noise is LEGALLY okay before 9 or 10 pm...and no cop or judge is going to take a baby crying seriously unless they're being abused. You are 100% in the right to be parenting your own child in your own home.
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So...apartments aside....

Ahh....independence seeking. Bleck. We're doing that with our six year old right now.

Well it sounds like your son is definitely "showing off how grown up he is" for your fiance. "Look at me, look at me, I'm so big I DON'T HAVE TO LISSSSSSTEEEEEN!!!"

One of the fastest ways to nip that and put it in the right direction is NOT to have your fiance comfort him; but instead have him tell your son that "Big boys and daddy's listen to the people that love them. When you 'X' to/with/at your mommy you're not being a very big boy. You're not being very nice." sigh and act disappointed.

Another direction, of course, is "Daddy Time" & realizing that this too shall pass.

It pretty much depends on your DF...which direction he wants to take it. If it's daddy-time, go do something for yourself during that period...let the two of them have their own thing. In other words...sorry...I'll be here when you're ready to listen, until then, mummy's reading. My personal preferance is for my partner instead to get active on; "Nope. You need to listen to your mum, THEN we can play and snuggle." But everyone is different. My husband did both according to his whim. I know some couples though, who have signals so mum can say "i need a break" or "back me up" without the child knowing, so there's a united front.

No matter which way you go, it's hard. Hang in there.

Two possibilities...You mentioned that you are doing on-line schooling..are you doing this during the day when he is awake? Or during his nap time and at night when he is sleeping, My 2 year old freaks and feels ignored if I am on the computer when she is around. She acts up to get attention. If you are on the computer then you should move it to his sleeping times.
The second possibility is that you are not giving him enough nap time. My dd is a total basket case if I don't make sure she has a good nap.

If your ds is getting enough rest during day and you aren't on the computer with him around I would suggest doing some stuff to wear him out. It's winter maybe he is bored of being stuck inside. Try gymboree, or bundle up and go on long walks.

Last suggestion is to make sure you feed ds right b4 fiance gets home so he is a little less cranky.

Good luck hopefully he'll outgrow this phase soon.

The biggest thing is to set a plan, and stick to it.
If you are worried about your neighbors, then let them know that you are using time out, and there might be some screaming. That you are sorry about this, but it should get better in a while.
Time out works great.
One of the things I did is when the kids hit me or other kids I would put their hands in time out. Which means I would hold their hands for about a Min or two. Drives kids crazy.
As for yelling, let him know what is ok, and what is not. And then use the same discipline when he steps over to the not ok side.
At this age he is testing to see what he can get away with. And if you are the "marshmallow" parent then you are the one that will get more acting out.
If he is getting upset and starts to yell while playing with a toy, then take the toy away.

I hope this helps.
There is a great parenting program that works with this age. It is call Triple P (Power of Positive Parenting) http://www.triplep-america.com/

It is not so much that he started acting out when you concieved, it is the developmental stage that they reach at this age. I have a 20 month old daughter and a 3 1/2 year old son. This is the age when they start acting out, throwing tantrums, testing their boundaries.

Although you tell them not to, and punish them, they will inevitably try it again and again...just to make sure that they will get the same reaction.

It is difficult, and impossible sometimes, but it is important to stay as calm as possible. If you react big, it is rewarding the behavior...children love to see us blow up.

I am still trying to find out what works for punishment for my daughter, time out turns into a game. I have started putting her blanket into time out which seems to get her attention better.

My son has finally been trained to stay in time out in his room. I also take away his toys into time out which can be just as effective.

My final thought, is that he is acting out for a reason. Whether he is hungry, tired, angry, or just needing some attention, there is a reason. If you can down play the negative and redirect his attention to a positive behavior, he will learn to do this on his own.

"We don't hit in this house, let's find something else to do like...eating a snack, reading a book, or playing play doh"

"We don't throw a fit, why don't you go lay on your bed until you can calm down" (You can go with him, or even let him have his favorite toy to comfort him...just so there is a specific place he goes when he is upset)

He will grow out of it, just keep showing him appropriate behavior. Don't be afraid to have him cry or throw a tantrum because of your neighbors...you are trying to be a good parent and hitting and kicking are not ok.

Do you ever watch supernanny?? or Nanny 911 it is amazing what they do with some out of control families....not saying you are to the same point but i always take away good techniques. Supernanny also has good tips on her website, but basically don't let him get away with bad behavior, and make a HUGE deal about good behavior so that he will seek the good attention. Another good resource for me is a book called Just Tell Me What To Say. i forget the author right now but im sure you can find it. It has great tips all around for parenting all situations and just how children "hear" you.

Are you and your fiance on the same page with timeouts or whatever you use?
Does your fiance let him get away with more then you or vice versa?

First, you guys need to come up with a simple set of rules and punishment. My daugther is 16 months and timeouts do work..it takes them several times of putting them back for them to get staying there, but it works. As far as it being an apt..oh well. You need to take care of this behavior! Maybe try to pick a spot that is as far away from shared walls..?
Second, I fully and totally am against spanking or hitting of any kind. I mean..you are trying to get your kid to stop being aggressive...? I don't mean you..I mean people who do that. It makes no sense to me at all!
You ane your fiance need to be on the same page with rules and punishment. Then you both need to be very very consistant! No matter what or where you are, be very consistant!

Big tip..no 3 or 4 warnings! When your kiddo does something wrong, go to them and give them ONE warning. Let him know he will go to timeout if he does it again. He does it again and he goes straight to timeout for 1.5 to 2 minutes.

Your fiance might like to know that your son is acting that way when he gets home because you have been with him all day and he hasn't. When your fiance gets home, your son just wants to have fun with him and is sick of you. Its normal..my kids do it when daddy gets home!

Also, your pg again? That could very well be the cause of some jealousy...

As the mom of a 15 month old myself my first question would be how much exercise and mental stimulation does he get? His behavior sounds a lot like attention seeking and not enough stimulation to me. In addition the impending arrival of a sibling may make matters worse...

Even when its cold, if you don't have enough space to run around inside, take him out, take him to play dates, the library, walk around in the mall with him if you can't be outside... if your apartment is big enough, play catch and hide and seek, have him "help" you do the laundry (empty and fill the laundry basket).
Toddlers have sooo much energy if you don't provide enough opportunity for high energy play AND guided quiet time (read a book, play with blocks)their behavior gets out of control. Also make sure to explain to him about the baby A LOT and try to get him excited...
Good luck.

sounds like he's seeking your attention from your fiance. how do they get along? where's the father? maybe he's jelouse when he comes around and thats why he begins to act out?? no matter how great step fathers may be, they are always going to behave that way when mom gets with someone else. plus your pregnant.he may need exta attention right now to be reassured hes not being replaced. children are very perceptive to their surroundings and emotions of others. he just needs to feel special and like his needs and wants are important to. maybe the three of you should do some quiet playtime on the floor together like an hr a day just with him. make that his time so he can feel secure in everything thats going on.your getting married. and pregnant ect.. well just a thought, I have been there so good luck..

Hi T.,
I have a 2.5 year old and he is quite a hand full. But he does listen if I make him look me in the eye and tell him how its going to be. calmly and sternly. If he doesn't comply then he gets his nose in the corner. He hates it! More than a spanking (which I only save for those special times). Let him scream! If you act like it doesn't bother you then he will stop doing it. It won't happen right away and if your neighbors have ever had kids, they will understand (maybe give them a heads-up so they don't think your beating on him...lol). The most important thing is to be consistant!!!!! This is very important! Stick with it. It sounds like you are doing the right thing so far. And the thing with your BF coming home and him acting up....that is also normal. I have seen many a child do this. Why they do this? I'm not sure. My son will be fine with the baby sitter all day but as soon as I get there he goes ape crazy and starts being bad. You should just be happy that he doesn't bite! My son had an on-going thing with that but he recently stopped. Thank goodness. Anyway, good luck and don't give up! Your doing great!

Hi T.-
Your situation sounds frustrating. In addition to the advice you've been given, I wonder if your son is getting enough sleep. My daughter is a much different child when she has less sleep in her. I recommend
"Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child."
Like others have said, I agree that you should be sure your son is getting enough exercise and stimulation. Also, be sure you are on the same page as fiance.
In addition, I think your son is too young for time-outs. I didn't start them with my 2.5-year-old daughter until recently....when we could talk about (and she could understand) why we don't hit and why I had her sit out for 2 minutes.
Good luck. A.

15 months is still a little young to fully grasp the whole "time out" concept unless he's really done something that was very obviously defiant.

I used to nanny a little one who was sweet and mostly cooperative from 6am until 6pm when mom and dad got home. Then she turned into a terror TOWARDS ME ONLY. She was just so excited to see her parents again, it was her way of telling me to leave her be.

Definitely get him out and about during the day, get him on a REGULAR daily schedule, so he knows what happens next and is prepared. When I was home with our daughter, many evenings as soon as dad got home-- it was my turn to step out and get some alone time. It worked well because she was ready to see him, and he was ready to see her.

He can sense your exasperation too, stay as calm as possible (hard when you're pregnant, as I know right now!), and give him expectations and options. Don't "ask" him what he needs or wants--tell him this is what you're doing and you can choose a) or b)... That way he'll feel some control.

good luck! it sure can be stressful at that age.