Tantrums and a 16 Month Old...

You've gotten very good advice about this already, but I'll just a couple of things. I just finished doing a bunch of research on 'time out," and a major author (Nelsen--Positive Discipline, Positive Time Out) says that at 16 months, children don't really get "cause and effect," meaning that often they don't even understand that they're being put in time out because they did something. I think distraction and redirection is the way to go, along with expressing sympathy and staying firm.

Also, a developmental specialist I know said that this behavior at this age is really common because they need to express themselves but don't have words yet. That's why when they develop language, SO MUCH of this behavior goes away or diminishes. Good luck!

Have you guys tried learning and teaching him "baby" sign language? It is so awesome because it gives children an easier way to communicate the things they may not yet understand how to communicate.

Hi J.!

Please don't worry about your son....he sounds perfectly normal :o) How normal? So normal, in fact, that when BOTH of my boys were that age (and a little older) I had to carry a SIGN that read "Sorry for the noise, tantrum in progress".

Like clockwork they would have a tantrum in the grocery store! I was so embarrassed! I had to shop at 4 different stores so I didn't "bless" the same store with all the tantrums!

Anyway, once they saw my "sign" along with my reaction (trying to act like I couldn't hear them)...Both of my boys learned that it doesn't work to get mommy's attention to scream like that. They would try different places to have tantrums, but I reacted the same way. It DOES go away, but it takes ALOT of self-control on the mother's part :o)

In just a few more months (but you could start now), he will understand if you tell him "Mommy wants to hear why you are sad, but I cannot understand you until you stop screaming, so tell me when you are done screaming and mommy will listen and hold you", then go about your business (again, pretending you cannot hear a tantrum). It will work, J., just be brave :o) It won't take that long, only a few months for him to try, try, try, :o) I swear, kids try the same things 50 times before THEY'VE decided to give up because it's not getting the reaction they had hoped for :o)

About the language concerns......again, very normal. My sister used Basic Sign Language with her boys starting at 7 months old. Truthfully, I thought it was silly (at first), but when I saw my 7 month old use his hands to say "more" when he was in his highchair, I about cried! It really works and helps communicate between parent/child.

She has a simple book, nothing to read, only signs. Everytime she does a "sign" she says the word that it means, but to not confuse him, she waits for the "signs" for when they are needed. Like, when he's in his highchair and starts getting cranky because his tray is empty :o) She signs "more", says "more", and puts "more" on the tray. If he's still cranky, she signs "drink" and puts the drink on the tray.

I am witness to it working, and if I could do my boys over again, I would've added sign lanuage into their lives. One of her sons is now 4, and doesn't use any "signs" now because he can speak for himself. But before he could speak, he knew over 30 signs to help communicate. The Trick is to "study" the signs :o)

Anyway, I believe your instincts are right about giving him "Timeouts".....always listen to your instincts.

My mistake, as a first time mom, was to "get everything" for my son before he got cranky, he only had to grunt for anything and I would be there :o) This prevented his language from developing. I never gave him the "words" to learn language. So, I share this with you in case you are doing something similar. If he wants his truck on the top shelf, then tell him, "say, truck please" and get it for him. ALWAYS give him the words to use before you give/get things for him. He will learn language.

Waht a good mother you are to worry about your son in such a loving way. He is completely normal and will be just fine with a terrific mother like you :o)

Dear J.,
My tiny, beautiful, gorgeous little daughter went through a period of throwing some of the biggest screaming fits you've ever seen. Never in public. And never over anything really specific. The first time she got mad and started banging her head on the floor, I stood her up on her feet, looked her right in the eye, and popped her right on her diaper. I said, "Everytime you bang your head, I am going to pop you on the butt." She never did it again. I know people say you shoud never hit your child. It was with my hand. One pop on her diaper and it did far less damage than her banging her own head on the tile floor. Then, she went to screaming and I just ignored her. (It's not easy to do!) One day, we were out on the porch, in the sun, she had her bottle and a yogurt and she started screaming. I went in and closed the door. Not all the way, it was still open about 8 inches, and I sat in the rocking chair where I could still see her and just started rocking. My neighbor across the street heard her, and from her vantage point thought that maybe she was crying because she couldn't get in. So, she came over, popped her head in the door and said, "What the heck?" I said, "Oh, we're just having a little fit. Would you like to come in to visit?" She came in and sat down and we started talking and that was the end of the fit. I just completely ignored her and pretended that I couldn't hear her. Which at first made her get REALLY loud, but no matter how loud she got, I just went about my business. There are better ways to get attention or get what you want.
My daughter NEVER threw a fit in public. Thank heavens.
My son tried it one time. And only one. We were in a rather large store shopping for school clothes for my daughter. I let them go down the aisle by the boy things where there just happened to be toys. My son brought back a toy motorcycle and said he just had to have it. I explained that we were not shopping for toys and asked him to put it back. He looked at me and said, "If you don't buy me this motorcycle, I will throw myself on the floor and have a fit until you do." I was completely stunned. He had NEVER done that before. I said, "Young man, you are not throwing a fit, and you are certainly not getting that toy. Go put it back. Right now." He proceeded to throw himself on the floor and kick and have the biggest, fakest cry you have ever seen. I very calmly said, "I hope you know that if you lay there and cry long enough, you will cry all your water out of your body and shrivel up like a raisin. And you STILL are not going to get that toy." He stopped immediately and said, "I will? I'll shrivel up?" I said, "Well, you said you will cry until you can have the toy and I'm not buying it for you so I guess you'll just have to shrivel up." He got up off the floor, hugged me, said he was sorry and he would put the toy back. Then, he asked if the minute we were done shopping, I would take him to get a drink to put his water back in. There were hundreds of people in that store and they were all cracking up. I never raised my voice. I never raised my hand. That was the one and only time he ever tried a fit.
Sometimes, you gotta get creative.
My daughter was about 16 months old when she started her tantrums. Ignoring her worked the very best. She ran out of steam pretty quickly. It was a phase. It didn't last very long. But I'm telling you, the minute you cave is the minute you will start having to try to undo that whole dynamic.
Best of luck!

My kids have both been through this stage, and I think you're probably right in thinking that it's teething pain plus frustration with not being able to talk. It's totally normal. And to answer your other request, my opinion is that time-outs are probably not the best way to handle the tantrums at this age. First, make sure that he's well-rested, well-fed, and maybe some Tylenol would help with his teeth. Make sure that he's getting enough love and attention so that he doesn't feel he has to act up in order to get it. When tantrums are the result of frustration, help him deal with the situation and help him calm down. He needs to know that you understand what he needs and wants. I would HIGHLY suggest getting the book or the DVD of The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Dr. Harvey Karp. It is excellent and all about dealing with toddler tantrums.

My son is two years old and is still not talking. We have had his hearing checked and he has met with several speech therapists, he is still in the normal range and they say it is normal for boys to talk at a later age then girls. It is not uncommon for boys to not talk until they are three. We taught him Babysigns which seems to help. I would not worry about him not saying much yet because it sounds like he is on the right track with the words he as already started to use. The tantrums are normal too. My son gets frustrated as well, not being able to use words, amongst other things. My son started having tantrums around the same age, if not earlier, and I have found that it is not to early to put them on a time out at 16 months. If you choose to use timeouts, put him in a quiet area on a chair and calmly tell him what you are doing. The suggested amount of time for timeouts is 1 minute for every year. I tired this at first and it seemed to work, he would actually sit there as long as I was not in his view. I put him on a timeout in his room and stood outside the door. If he gets up, calmly put him back and try again. Because this sometimes seems to be a never ending battle, my fiance and I recently have tried something different. When our son Nathan throws his temper tantrums we calmly walk him to his room, kicking and screaming of course, and sit him on his timeout chair in his room and get down to his level telling him that he is on timeout and when he is done with his tantrum he can come back out and play. They might not fully understand what you are saying but I think the calm voice shows them you are in control, not their tantrum. After we leave the room he cries for about a minute longer than he stops , realizing that we are not there to entertain his tantrum. Then he begins to play, gets over his tantrum and comes out of his room when he is ready, in a better mood. I understand that this might not work for all kids, but the concept is that if they can not see you, you can not see them and they generally stop with the tantrums because it is no longer getting them the attention. My suggestions are to start with setting him on a "timeout chair" and then try the room thing. It is a matter of finding something that works for you, your husband and your little boy. I hope this helps. Good luck!

Sounds like he's starting a little early but you two seem to be handling it right. Keep at it.

Yes, he's normal.

Hi J.,

I'm a Mom of three great boys, all of whom went thru a short, dramatic stage of tantrums. I thought that the tantrums were about us not understanding what our boys wanted or needed at that time. Kids don't always know how to "use their words" to let us know what they are feeling, and many don't even have the words to say. There are many books out there that can help you try to figure out what is a good solution for working thru them. We didn't give in, walked away from them, and didn't give them any attention for them. That worked for us. Since your son spends time in the daycare, ask them what they do? I would also do this for your question about time-outs. We found them very effective for our boys, at his age only about one minute will work. I'm sure you and your husband will figure out what works best for your family!
Good Luck, kids are such a blast!

Everything you write sounds very normal... and it sounds like you and your husband are doing the right things. I've found with my own three kids that firm redirecting works best at that age.

HI J.,
I think that setting limits and redirecting work best at this age. He's probably a little young to do time-outs and I don't know that in the long run time-outs are all that effective... they seem to isolate kids when they already feel isolated or leave them alone to deal with out of control feelings that they aren't ready to handle. There's a book out there called Playful Parenting that you might take a look at. It sounds like you are looking for ways other than punitive ones to set boundaries for your son.

As far as the talking goes... kids do get frustrated, but we can help by correcting tantrums with words. When Evan is reaching for sometime he wants you can calmly say... " I want teddy bear," and hand it to him. You probably already do this...It sounds like developmentally he's on the range for his age. If you're concerned that he isn't talking enough though, you should check with your pediatrician.

For us consistency and redirection were always the best tools. Maybe check out some other ways and see what works for your little guy. It might also be good to talk with your daycare provider to find out how they are handling the same situation you're seeing. If everyone isn't on the same page that can be tough for kids and increase frustration.

Our son was a preemie and has some issues with impulse control and sensory integration. He's getting better, but we're used to seeing him go from happy to full-on melt-down in a matter of minutes. We find that talking to him about transitions before they happen..."we're leaving the park in 5 minutes"... giving our expectation before things happen... If you run away from mommy we have to go home' ... identifying feelings..." are you frustrated because you can't reach that ball?' and catching meltdowns before they happen with redirecting the activity or offering Mommy time and his favorite comfort toy are all things that help with "tantruming" or teaching healthier ways to deal with frustration. It doesn't work immediately, but at the end of the day all of the daily interactions we model for our kids are opportunities to teach and deal with feelings and frustrations and anticipate change better, and understand boundaries and expectations and that makes it easier as they get older.

Good luck!

PS> I would definitely not use his crib as your time out spot if time-outs are the route you choose to go. It's just setting up problems with sleeping then too...

My daughter, Evelyn, is just two weeks younger than your son, Evan, and her vocabulary is about the same. She says no, doggie, daddy, and the phrase "where are you" when we're playing peek-a-boo. I am also a first time mom so I can only tell you that your child and mine seem to be in the same stages at about the same time. She also already has all eight front teeth, her first set of molars and her canines popped through this past week. The tantrum phase is similar though Evelyn generally calms down fairly quickly. Her fits are usually sparked by one of us picking her up when she wants to run around where it's not appropriate or safe for her to run around. I firmly tell her "no" with out making a production out of it. I don't want her to think of acting up as a means of getting attention or what she wants. I don't have any other advise for you. It sounds like you're already doing what I would do. But I though you might find it comforting to hear of the similarities between our children's age and development.

Hi J. - !

I have 4 kids, ages 17, 15, 13, and 6 - and I can tell you this is a stage most kids go through - they are just getting an idea about themselves as separate individuals and that they have some control over their environment -

My take on it is to roll with it, and not stress about it - don't turn it into a big power struggle with your son. If you tell your son "no" - mean it, and leave it at that - if(when) he has a tantrum, either immediately distract him, or something that worked pretty well with my kids when they had big tantrums - I would tell them that I knew they were sad, and that I was sorry they were sad, but the answer was still no - and then I would either walk out of the room, or hold them if they were really having a fit until they calmed down. If kids know that tantrums upset you, and that you are likely to alter your life around them, they quickly learn to do it more - if you acknowledge their feelings, while still holding firm, but otherwise do not react, they learn that making a lot of noise doesn't get them what they want.

On a side note - none of my kids would sit in a time out at 16 months - after trying it with my first two, I decided it simply didn't have a single benefit. Time outs seem to work better when they are 3 or 4 years old and more cognizant of why they are there and a better idea of consequences to behavior - 16 month olds are simply not there yet. All they understand is they are upset - you simply have to let it pass - it is frustrating at first, but if you look at it as a stage they must go through, and it is totally OK - you won't be worn out or worried as much about it-!

Good luck-!

Hi,

I would avoid time outs at this age as he doesn't understand them. He also doesn't have the brain maturation to control his tantrums, so it would be a little cruel to punish for something he has no control over.....that control starts developing between 2-4....so we have a long road! Also, he's at the age where he's testing his own self awareness away from you! Be empathetic and keep your cool and you'll at least win 50% of the time. At the end of the day we want kids who have high self-esteen and feel loved regardless of their outbursts. Lots of love to the little ones, they're dependent on it!

S.

Hi J.. It's nice to know that I'm not alone. We seem to have very similar little boys. My son is was born exactly one month before yours and is displaying the exact behaviors. He also has a limited vocabulary consisting only of "milk", "more", and his favorite word, "NO". I went through a phase were I was really worried about him not talking but I have been reasurred by many people that some boys take longer to pick up speech. We seem to be in the exact same predicament in regards to behavior as well. For example, he gets really frustrated when a toy gets stuck, so we are trying to teach him the word "help". We are hoping a connection will be made between our actions and that word. We do not do timeouts. I think maybe they are too young...
I wish I had more advice for you. At least you know that your not alone!

He's perfectly normal. He is probably a bit frustrated with not having the language he needs, but he's right on track as far as getting it. Tell him "No" when he throws a fit and walk away. He'll find another way that works.

well I wondered the same thing when my son at 14 months started the tantrums. I figured it was something he learnded from day care as he is the only child. What i did was look at him and say "Oh my goodness, is it really that bad?" sometimes he would continue and if he did i just got up and left the room to do something else. I was consistant with leaving the room and now I am proud to say I havent seen one for about a month now. he is 15 months now. He does get himself worked up in the car and can geta good cry on mostly cause he is tired and start to sing his favorite songs to distract him...usually works he seems to like old mac donald.

also about speaking not too sure about what the usual is but my son is quite the talker. i just out of habit talk to him like a regular person and tell him what everything is. he used to say mama now he shortened it to mom, baba, ball, doggie, bye bye and a bunch of words I have no idea what they are but usually answer to him "oh really? or "then what happened?" and he usually keeps chattering.

good luck with everything

J.

Sounds like you have figured it out. He could benefit from baby signs so that he can communicate with you. He sounds very frustrated and this might help. Can't hurt.