Help My Kids, Will Not Listen to Me!

I just wanted to tell you that my heart goes out to you! You are going through a lot right now. Best wishes in all! I'm also an advocate for counseling.

I am a single mom, and have been for twelve years now. This has to be the absolutely hardest job on the earth, being both mom and dad.
When I first was divorced, it was so hard being the diciplinarian all the time. Because I was tired of being the one having to say no all the time, she was turning into a real terror to be around. It took me a long time to realize that I had to set some boundries for my daughter and the best thing I could for both of us, was to start saying no and meaning it. Back then it was just easier to let them do things that they wanted "because the divorce was so hard on them".
Once I started following through on acts of disipline, things started turning around. It can be done in a loving way.
One of our problem areas was at the store. I talked to her before we went in and told her we needed to get some groceries and I wanted her to be a big girl. But when she started throwing a fit, I left the store. I left a partially filled buggy, right in the isle. And we drove home, with no food. I told her I will not allow her to act that way in public, just because she isnt getting something she wanted. She didnt think I would actually leave the store with nothing, but after that I she knew that I would.
As I said before, this is the hardest thing I have ever done. But now that she is in her teens and a wonderful young lady, I believe that I am getting the rewards from the hard times we went through earlier. Set some boundries that you can live with, follow through, they will fight you on it at first. Be strong! You can do it.
The fear you have is reasonable. But take the precautions that can ease your mind. Surround yourselve with supportive people. If your open to counseling, that is good for you and the kids. Being scared will rub off on your kids and I dont think you want that for them. Be safe but dont give him the control of being scared. Your kids will see your strength and grow in it. I hope what I am saying to you helps and gives you hope. I know that I am a much stronger person now, than I ever was before. Believe in yourself, your kids and love them.

My guess is that the kids are feeding off your stress, as well as feeling stress of their own. I know that when I am stressed, my kids tend to act out the most. And when I am stressed, I tend to have zero patience. Your kids are probably trying to get used to life without their dad as well, and it is hard for little ones to understand their own emotions. Be patient with them (I know this is so much easier said than done) and try to explain to them simply that Daddy is living far away now. Make sure they know who is still there for them--You, your family, good friends. Most of all, make sure that they understand (as best they can at their ages) that it is NOT their fault that their dad left!

A.
Hi I am not sure what you should do but I wanted you to know that you were not alone. My husband left us at the end of August I have a 2 year old and am now 5 months pregnant with another. My daughter has been actiong out and throwing tantrums and getting into everything. I am hoping thatnit is a phase and that she will soon just forget about him.

Dear A. - My heart goes out to you during this time. It seems as if your kids are picking up emotionally and energetically on what is happening in the family - even though you haven't told them - they know at some level - they also sense your worry about your ex taking them which is valid. Find ways to continue to gather support for yourself and your kids - find ways to feel safe physically emotionally and mentally - talk to your kids about what is going on in ways they can understand without jumping into blame. Best of luck

Hi A.,
Your kids are very young and still learning the ways of the world. They know that things are not right. They feel your stress and sadness and they are reacting to that. At that young age they don't really have coping skills yet, they just react to the uncomfortable feeling inside. My suggestion to you is to find a support person, a parent, friend, etc. to give you daily support even if it is just a phone call to say "you can do it". Once you start to feel confident in your new role as a single person you will be able to show your kids confidence in your parenting. Then, they will feel secure again and know that everything will be alright even though Dad is gone. Then you will have the strength again to be consistant with your rules and they will stop having the need to test them so much.
When my husband and I seperated my kids were also very little. All I told them was that sometimes Moms and Dads have to live in different houses and that we were all going to be alright. They don't need much more than that at that early age. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Please know that you can get through this. You will be a better person on the other side of this trauma.
Take care,
B.

You've already had some great responses, but I wanted to add...for your own peace of mind, either call a locksmith and have them re-key the lock (usually about $30) or go to walmart or another store and get a reputalble lock and change it yourself. You would not believe how easy it is to change a lock.

Next what other people said, they had routines and structure before and now its changed dramatically. You have to find your groove again to help settle them. Yes, go to a counselor if you can. If not, sit down with the kids and do your own counsiling. Make them come up with words what their feeling, or actions as to what they want to do with those feelings. Go over a basic rules list again, but let them know Mommys not perfect and sometimes rules will need to be added b/c Mommy forgot to put them there.

Also, they aren't that old. Hide the glue! If its for crafts you do at the house, have a tub for it. Just go back a little bit for child proofing a house. You know how they tell you to get down on your knees and see what you can reach, we do that, but also with the mind frame of "What can I get away with now that Mommys a little scrambled?"

My one last cent, go to the library and see if they have a childrens book about parents seperating. For both you and the kids! The should have the adult version and kid version!

I'm sorry you have to go through this! GL
J.

I'm not divorced but I did have my own problems during a year-long deployment w/my 4 & 2 year old boys. Schedule & routine are the only way I handled it sanely. We ate lunch at a certain time, napped at a certain time, ate dinner at a certain time, had set days for baths (every other-Sun/Tues/Thurs nights & Sat mornings) & bedtime was the same. It was sometimes hard to keep to the routine but it was easier on all of us when we did.
It's going to take a while but you need to get them out of your bed & into their own. Yes, it'll be rough & you might have a few sleepless nights but everyone needs to sleep in their own space. If insurance will cover it, go see a therapist, even for a few visits. You & the kids will get some coping ideas & it's great to have another adult tell you that you're normal, your feelings are normal.
Buy the cheap noise alarms for doors & windows, the ones that stick w/double-sided tape. It won't keep him from trying something but it'll make a horrible noise if any door or window opens too far & you'll know something is up.
And take all of your kid-unfriendly stuff, throw it into a Rubbermaid you can stick a lock on & padlock it. Or put a keyed lock on your bedroom door-make lots of duplicates!-and keep stuff like that in your room. And then go buy some playdoh for your little one-redirecting to a creative, hands-on craft will keep his little fingers busy while you get stuff done.
As for why he's not coming home, you don't need to tell them why & they don't deserve to know the real reasons-ever. As they get older, you can give more detailed age-appropriate answers but they never need to know the real reasons for your split-that's your business & his, not theirs. (I'm a stepmom w/a biomom who has over-shared & tried her hardest to damage the kids' relationship w/their dad.) "Mommy & Daddy love you very much, but we don't like each other very much right now so it's best that we don't live together. It's not your fault." (you need to include "we both love you" & "it's not your fault" and get an age-appropriate book about separation & divorce-any bookstore should be able to point you in the right direction. "I'm not your kid" is a book on stepparenting but it also talks about what the children need from each parent based on age. I highly recommend it!
Whatever you do & no matter how hard it is for you, don't bash their daddy. That's their daddy who can do no wrong in their eyes, please don't ruin that for them! Vent to a friend (nowhere near where they can hear you), start an online journal, but don't vent to them. You can say you're frustrated or mad, but don't bash daddy. This is coming from a sister of 2 divorcees w/kids, as well as a stepmom.
Good luck, you'll all get through this!

When I left my ex hubby, I had a 4 yr old, 2 yr old,a nd 2 month old baby, so I can completely understand your situation. In regards to telling them about daddy not coming home, simply tell them that you and daddy had some adult problems and aren't going to live together anymore. Be sure to tell them that you both still love them and that the adult problems have nothing to do with them. Kids do not need adult emotions and problems put on their little plates. My greatest suggestion would be to get to a counselor, quick. For you, and the kids. They have some play therapy tactics that work amazingly. One thing I was told in my circumstancewas that my kids didn't know what was going on and therefor did not feel secure. Structure, and follow through are key in helping them understand that they are safe and secure with you. I feel for you. My 2 yr old boy was the hardest. I went through MONTHS of nights for hours on end putting him back into his bed until he finayyl figured out I wasn't going to let up. It's really hard when you have so much else going on in your life, but you have to be super consistent, or they will know they can break you. And believe me, they will push you to the end. Best of luck and keep us posted!

I got a lot out of the book "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids will Talk." It's been out forever--you coudl probably find it at the library or get it cheap online. It's very simple and easy and greatly improved how everyone in my family talked to each other and how well my children followed my instructions. I really recommend it.
I am sorry you're going through a hard time. You will reap the benefits of your good relationships with your children and the closeness you share, even when things are not easy. I hope you can find helpful, supportive friends (maybe at church?) who can ease the burden.
Reading library books at bedtime usually helps my kids unwind and gives us some connection time. Then, they listen to a book on a tape or CD as their last story, and I only start that one when they are in bed with the lights out. Some nights I have to come back in and snuggle for a little bit and start another book on tape, but often they are asleep before the first one is over. Alternately, you could find an audio book you'd like to listen to and listen to it together while you all go to sleep, or at least to amuse yourself while you wait for them to fade so you can move them. Whatever you do, I think routines are reassuring for everyone during a hard transition time. Hang in there.

I have some high spirited kids your kids' ages. I recently read 'Love & Logic: Practical Parenting from birth to 6 years.' There are several Love & Logic books, but I found this one particularly helpful. It is shorta and easy to read, and it has great suggestions of how to handle all of the kinds of situations you are describing. It has been a great resource in my house!

Raising kids is the hardest thing you(we) will ever do in our lives. Getting them back out of our beds is one of the toughest tasks. You will have to be strong and diligent. Starte early enough that you are not too tired. Do things with them in their rooms. Read to them while they are tucked into their own bed. Stay in their room until they fall asleep. You can sing to them, or if they dont like that then just sit quietly in the dark. Dont lay in their bed with them while they are falling asleep. say prayers with them and the last thing pray to fall asleep right away. And thank God for your own beds so everyone can sleep well.
My sister when throught the same thing with her 2 small children. It took about 2 weeks of her being very very consisitent with them. They happily go to sleep in their own beds now.
You can do it. I know you can.
WE are divorced and my kids Dad travels a lot. I discovered that my children were having symptoms (reacting too) the fact of being underfathered. Do get into counseling. You can use a school counselor for free. Do reach out to other couples and ask the Dad to give your kids a little Dad time or things only Dads would say (us Moms just dont know that) Continue to build other men relationships for them. ( I dont mean an intimate realtionship for you) I mean other men that can influence them. Get them in city sports and try to get men coaches. This is all so they can have the male influence. I did this and it made a world of difference. I gave the other Dads in our lives to "pipe up" to my kids if needed and to PLEASE be a part of my kids lives. They did when I asked them directly and it did make a difference for my kids.

Your family is going through a major life change right now! That causes stress to everyone, and any child is going to act out because of it. So first of all, DON'T BLAME YOURSELF FOR ANYTHING RIGHT NOW!!!! Kids tend to regress by about 6 months after any life change (parent's separation, death of grandparent, birth of child, remarriage, etc).

Remind yourself that they are wonderful chldren. Tell them often how wonderful they are and how much you love them.

And the advice on re-establishing routines as your family is now is great. Work on that, too.

Finally, find someone you can talk to. Maybe mom or dad, or a good friend, or a sibling. Or a church leader of counselor if you need to. Make sure that you're not unloading you fears and unhappinesses on the kids. It's okay for them to see you cry - that gives them permission to grieve - but they also need to see you be strong/stable/in control. Which means you need someone to talk to.

You CAN do this! You will get through it!

i don' really know how to explain daddy leaving to kids so young, but i would suggest getting out of the house. join a playgroup, find an activity for the kids, anything where you can go out a just forget it for a few hours. you must be realy stressed out and you're kids are feeling that too. if you can go out and relieve some of the stress i think things will start going better at home for you guys. good luck with everything. you will make it through this.

Hi A., this is so sad for your kids, and for you too. They are obviously scared and I don't blame them. Kids pick up on their parent's fear/anger and don't really know how to deal with it or express it. Counseling is definitely an answer, although it might not be affordable if you don't have insurance. I recommend you call a great non-profit organization, Xylem Family Service, ###-###-####. Ask for Tara and tell her K. said to call. I think she could really give you some good ideas at an affordable rate. Good luck!