HELP! My 9 Year Old Son Is Being Picked on by a Bully

If this child is spitting and soaking him with a hose and the parent does not step up and stop this, I would call local law enforcement and see if they would talk to the child and let the parents know that next time you plan on taking action. Bullying is taken very serious due to the long term ramifications and outcome. I would take action and allow my son to take action if he feels comfortable.

OMG that is soooo horrible! I'd wanna push the bully over on his bike myself!

I'm with the other mom who says to call the other kids' moms and talk to them about the bullying. Not so much because maybe this meanie did it to their kids too, but so that they can also be on the lookout. If all the kids on the block play together, the odds are there's always a parent keeping an eye on them at one time or another, and they should be aware of this to nip it in the bud whenever it happens.

I also think that ignoring a problem rarely if ever helps anything. I've been told to ignore and avoid people my whole life and it has never, ever helped anything.

I am a retired teacher and a parent of a girl who was bullied for part of a year. Interestingly, she was 9 then, too. We had raised her to be a good Christian and felt that her "turning the other cheek" was adding to the problem. One day my husband just told her to knock him down to the ground. He asked her if a bloody nose would be as bad as the crapola. As a teacher I told her that she might get punished, but so be it--the school wasn't helping with their little efforts either. The parents weren't in the mood to change their brat. So my girl didn't back down. A little shove was all it took. He threatened to tell the teacher. She replied Let's go tell her. I don't care if I get in trouble, and my parents are behind me. That was all it took. We talked about how that is not the immediate solution, and how it was hypocritical of our Christian teachings, but in the end, we just couldn't take it anymore. Good luck.

You are so much better than I would be - my son's father and I would both tell our little guy to start swinging first and ask questions later. It's not the textbook response, but for me, it's just as important to teach my son to stand up for himself as it is to have him turn the other cheek. If they start off this young being meek and letting people walk all over them, their entire life is going to follow that pattern. So, even though I'm sure that every other mother on here will say I'm terrible, my advice is to teach your son to throw a good right hook.

Dear T.,

Heartbreaking!!!! I can't stand mean kids. I have two children; 13 yr old girl and 10 year old boy. I've raised my children to be kind and treat others as they would want to be treated (and they are in BIG trouble if I hear differently!) Sadly, some parents won't do ANYTHING about it. I've listened to terrible language from 9 - 10 year olds. I approached one child who said to me..."yeah...my parents don't like when I swear either!"....HUH???And...sadly, hitting the kid isn't the answer, either, especially if your son doesn't have that fighting instinct in him. I'm reading "spits on him......" that makes my blood boil!

I was in a dr.'s office recently and read this great article about bullying (on my return visit, they let me keep the magazine.) I had never heard of the magazine before but I was able to find it on-line for you. So many misconceptions about bullies and why they do it. I've even talked and role-played with my kids about bullying. (Try the role-play they suggest) We had an ongoing situation on the bus, last year and other children were targets. My child kept me informed of the situation and I kept telling my child that I must call the school to inform them and was begged not to - the bus driver hadn't even tried to control this stuff. The day came that I HAD to call the principal. The principal's comment to me was "I was the only parent who called on the situation that spanned 3 weeks - no one else got involved". Parents HAVE TO GET INVOLVED! It's sad that others haven't come to his rescue and no one else sees this. Unfortunately, at this point, time may help this go away or he may have to address this kid. Bullies are relentless. Make sure you know just about every child's name in the neighborhood and I use it.

http://wondertime.go.com/learning/article/bullyproof-your...

Please update us. I really feel for you on this one. Good luck.

In many cases, children begin to bully after being bullied by someone else. It could be the parents, other children in the group, children at school, etc. Being a bully gives this child a sense of power. His parents may not believe many of his actions because he acts like an angel at home. When my son encountered a younger playmate who was disrepectful to him and I, my decision was to give this youngster a choice. I told him in our house we have rules. We don't speak to one another that way. You can either you treat everyone in this house nicely or you will have to leave. The youngster had a schocked looked on his face. It may not be a miracle, but you could always try it. Challenge him on it, not his parents--don't be mean. Give him a choice. If you continue to treat my son this way, you will not be welcome at our house.

We had the same sort of issues at some point. I came up with a strategy for my son if the bully still picked on him. What I finally told my son to do was 1. Tell the kid to stop. 2. Don't play by him 3. Tell an adult. 4. Hit back.
I know it's against your nature to tell your child to hit someone, but at some point, he's got to be able to defend himself.
Hope that helps!

I am so sad for your son. Really, please, take my advice. Call the police. Right now. It will never get better otherwise. We have all known people like that sick little boy who obviously can't control himself, and his parents either can't or wont't control him. I used to have neighbors when I was a kid who used to spit on me. It's gross and demoralizing. My parents were immigrants who didn't speak good English and didn't want to rock the boat. It makes me so sad to remember it.

When my daughter was very little (about two) we were at the mall play area and a boy a whole head taller than my girl (I guess about five) kept hitting my daughter. She would move away and the boy would follow her. The mother was right there and did nothing, so I went up to her and said, "Is there something wrong with your son?" She said, "What do you mean?" I said, "Well, he keeps hitting my daughter and you're not doing anything about it, so I figured maybe there was something wrong with him and he can't control himself." She had the nerve to say, "Oh, you're daughter's perfect?" So I said, "No, but she would never hit anyone, and if she did I would take her out of here." So, the other mom said she was going to call security on me. There are some kids and parents who think they can do no wrong. I should have just called security (or the police) in the first place.

You need to put a stop to this behavior NOW. Spitting on someone is a battery. The parents will not want the police at their house more than once. Also, make sure you make the principal of the school aware of the situation.

Your son will be grateful to you forever.

Being polite and respectful usually doesn't work with bullies. I would suggest you sit outside with while your son is playing. I know this takes time but it really is necessary. The hitting with a stick, soaking with a hose and stealing (not "borrowing") video games is unacceptable behavior from anyone, especially a 7 year old. If the bully's parents don't get involved, it might be time to call local authorities and ask for their suggestion. Your school might have a program that can help. Standing up for himself is important for your son, but often the victim ends up in trouble if he is physical because the bully is tricky and manipulative. Keep in mind that most bullies are being bullied themselves. Good luck.

Others have mentioned it, but I use the "it takes a village" approach in my neighborhood. Get out there, and don't be afraid to scold other kids. When my kids were little some kids were riding their big wheels very fast up and down the sidewalk where toddlers were playing. A very close call sent me storming up to a boy and told him to slow down and never get so close to a baby. He ran crying to his mom (who was also outside) and I followed the boy and explained to her that I had gotten in his face (no yelling involved) for almost flattening a little one. She understood.

Now they are all older and when a "mean" kid is hanging around the group, I just make myself obvious, and when I hear/see something I don't like, I tell the offender what is acceptable and what is not. I am not out to be the friendliest mom in town, but the kids know that they are safe. Usually it only takes once to be reprimanded by an adult, these kids are obviously not hearing "no" at home. Only the nice ones come around. Talk up the situation with your friends in the neighborhood and enlist them to watch out too.

Your son is not 16 - he doesn't need to handle this himself. Just get in that bully's face, and make sure he knows you are watching and communicating with his parents.

You need to be outside with your son when he is playing. When this kid does something mean, then you need to take the bully to his home & tell his parents what the kid is doing & that if it continues that you will call the police. Then you need to actually follow through with your threat if this kid does not stop. I would also sign your son up for a martial arts class. In a martial arts class they show you how to defend yourself. If your son knows how to defend himself he won't feel like a victim. Most bullys are cowards & the minute you stand up to them & show no fear they back off.

your son is being harrassed. call the local police.
make a report. sadly kids learn what they live.

I would have your husband speak to the boy's father. Also ask other parents if that happened to their kids. He must have been picking on someone else before you moved in. Maybe you need to spend a little more time outside and speak up for your son if you witness any injustice. He should also try to make other new friends. Safety in numbers. Good luck.

T.,
This boy is a mean pig. We went through something similar with our neighbor girl next door. I advised my daughter to "be nice"...in retrospect, I wish I would have told her to "push back" physically and verbally. Some kids are just plain mean. If the parents are not open to realizing their kid is a bully and won't do anything to help the situation, then it's up to you to advise your son. Sounds like you've tried ignoring him...how about setting up a play date / outing with a few kids (not him) and build your son's friends that way. This may give your son a few allies. Your son needs to stand up for himself (ie push back) and put this rotten apple in his place.

Hi T.,

My son is in kindergarten, but we have read a couple of books together on bullying---Jungle Bullies and Fin M'Coul. In general, the stories show bullying behavior and it is resolved by the child standing up to the bully ---words with words and deeds with deeds.

Calling his mother, even if she was responsive, does not solve the issue. It is your son that needs to teach the bully to change his ways. So far, the bully has increasingly pushed boundaries with very little push back. After he took video games, picked on and teased, hit with a stick, laughed and swore at, called names, hosed, spat on your son, telling him they are not friends and leaving him out of juice and snacks may not be enough.

Have you thought about a Karate Class? Along with all the physical stuff, they teach about how to manage different scenarios like this.

Hope this helps.

I didn't read all the other responses, so I hope this isn't redudant. I read a book called "Raising a secure child" and one of the things it talked about was teaching your kids how to deal with these kinds of situations. Basically, when your boy comes home upset and tells you what Troublemaker did, say "Did you like when he did that?" Your son will answer (probably emphatically) "No!" Tell him "Then you need to tell Troublemaker 'I don't like being treated that way. It really makes me angry/sad. I will not play with you if you are going to do (whatever he's done).' and walk away." It sounds like your son is already doing this to some degree. Just make sure he has the right words so that he isn't just yelling an insult at the boy. He should be able to name the action that is upsetting him, name how it makes him feel and say what will happen if the action continues (i.e. he will no longer play with the boy, he will no longer let the boy play with his wii, etc). This is important for your son to learn to deal with peer pressure and negative social situations as he grows up. The problem with just ignoring the behavior is that will make your son feel like he is powerless. He needs a way to feel that he has control of the situation and that he is right to feel angry/sad about how he is being treated. Do not teach him to use passive aggressive means to get back at the kid (like inviting everyone else over but not the problem child) because that is the pattern he will follow in the future. If your son loses his cool and punches the other kid, don't punish him just explain why it's better to use words. You want to avoid teaching him to use violence, but you really can't expect a kid to have that much control.

Clearly this neighborhood boy has some kind of issue if none of the other kids want to deal with him. You might try having a sit down with his mom, if you and she are on friendly terms at all. It sounds like he's acting out to get attention like he doesn't know how to get kids to play with him nicely and is using hostility/aggression. Of course, it's not really your job to parent someone else's child but there's always the chance that she doesn't realize how her son is acting. There could be a reason (like a recent divorce, death of a grandparent) that she could enlighten you so you can explain to your son what is happening.

Good luck!

Our 7 year old girl was having trouble with a bully at school. We realized that we can't change the bully, but we could change her.

We playacted some of the scenerios with my hubby acting like the bully and then we had her practice what to do. We taught her how to ignore jeers (we asked her what the bully had been calling her then we used those words and she practiced "being bored." and ignoring them). We had her practice confrontation if he got to the point where he was touching her. We had her say "Leave me alone!" and shout it with emphasis and get in his face. We also covered what to do if he started hitting her (which he hadn't but you never know.) We did this until she was even laughing and feeling good.

The funny thing is, once she got the confidence to handle the bully he never bothered her again. We never heard another word about him since the day we playacted, she never even said she had to do any of the things we practiced. He just ceased to be a problem.

Bullys seem to be able to sense a weakness or a lack of confidence and that's why they pick the targets they do. Exuding confidence is the best defense. I think the bully sensed the change in her and left her alone thereafter. Just like martial arts, a good martial artist never has to use their art as they don't look like a target anymore.

I suggest playacting with your son. Don't be afraid to get a little mean when you play the "bully" because you want him to be prepared. We called her dumb, a stupidhead, we said she was ugly—anything a bully might say. At first she wasn't sure what to do but pretty soon she actually didn't care what we called her. It really helped her a lot!

I am so sorry to hear this, I know EXACTLY what he's going thru. My advice would be to go with the bully kid to his house and talk to his mother again and tell her if he doesn't stay away from your son you will call the police. Also that he is not welcome on your property. I wish you luck.Kids like that must be dealing with something on their own and don't know how to manage their feelings and they use other kids to pick on.

How awful! Is the boy's father around? Maybe your husband could talk to him. I know that you don't want to tell your son to be mean but sometimes it's the only thing that works.
When my daughter was 5 the older boy across the street would pick on her on the bus pulling her hair kicking her seat etc.. finally she turned around and told him that if he didnt knock it off she was going to punch him in the mouth. It worked. I am so sorry your son is going thru this, being a kid is tough enough without all that nonsense.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this. It's so frustrating, I know. For some reason, last summer, my neighbor (2-years older than my now 8-year old) decided to pick on my older son. He didn't bully him directly, but when they were playing sports, he did pick on him. My son had just earned his black belt, but because he doesn't have a mean bone in him, would never think to hurt someone else. He knows only to use what he knows to defend himself, and not to throw the first punch. So for the most part he put up with it because they liked to play sports with the same group of kids.

I then made it a point to be outside when they were playing and find something to do, clean out the garage, yardwork, etc. I bit my tongue at first and then finally had it. I walked over to him in front of everybody and told him that I noticed he was constantly giving my son a hard time. I sternly asked him why and he was pretty much like "what?". So I pointed out several instances. I told him that no one deserved to be treated that way and that if he continued acting that way that I wouldn't hesitate to walk him over to his house and have a sit down with my husband and his parents. That did it for us. I never had to talk to his parents, he just backed off. I think kids bully because they can get away with it. When someone stands up to them, then they back down. Hopefully, this will work for you.

Good luck!

It's really sad what is happening to your son, but so far I have only read one other answer that thinks at all about this other boy. It sounds like the "mean" boy is in a lot of pain. Something is not right there if he continues to do things that make the other kids not like him or want to play with him. You don't know what goes on in peoples houses, but if after asking mom to have him stop he came out and went back after your son, I am sure something hurtful is going on with this kid.(Either not enough attention or something is just not working.) Maybe a family problem or emotional issue. If nobody likes this kid, he knows it. Excluding him will only make it worse. Why don't you talk to him? Maybe ask him some questions about himself.(He will most likely resist the positive attention but he is looking for attention.) Ask him silly stuff like how far he can spit in a contest, or turn his actions into something he can be proud of and feel good about.(Spitting on someone is never something to be proud of, but finding something you are good at when you feel like you aren't cared for is close to impossible.) He sounds envious of your son and all he has (wii, he is new and the other kids like him more already, mom who cares about him, who knows what else) Explain this to your son. Your son sounds very caring and if you look at a bully as a person in pain, it is easier to turn the other cheek. I agree that your son must stand up to himself with words. "I don't like it when you...." This will make the other kids respect him too when they see he is handling himself so well with this bully. And it is okay for you to speak up to the other boy too. If there is a dangerous situation happening you would want someone to step in to "save" your son. This kid is in a dangerous situation...getting the police involved will give him a record and a mark and that is hard to get out from behind in the future.

I do believe in taking the route of being nice for a while but your son needs to defend himself. This has been going on too long I wouldn't tell my kids to shove another as the first response but enough is enough. I can promise that the kids will stop picking on him once he puts him in his place. He's not going to stop because he sees your son as a weaker person. This is so sad but I think he should defend himself.

T.,
I have to agree with the other mom. Give a kid a taste of his own medicine. May not be the most mature thing but your son needs to stand up for himself!

Hi T., this is a tough one. I think that both you and your husband should talk to both of his parents together to emphasize the seriousness of the situation. Tell them that until their son learns some manners, you don't want him around your son or your property and basically give them the ultimatum that if they can't control their son then they're leaving you no choice than to get the police involved since you're afraid the situation is only going to get worst. If you or your husband are not able to be outside with your son then I would have him stay in your driveway. I hope things get better soon. Good luck :)

Your son needs to stand up to this kid, the more he walks away this boy is taking this as a sign of weekness. I'm sure your son is afraid of this boy, it sounds like he is . But still you need to reassure him that he is aloud to take control of this situation. Tell him he is aloud to stand up for himself. Emotionally , if he does not he will cower from all situations. You give him the courage to stand up to this kid. How would you feel if everytime you went to work a co worker spit on you tripped you as you walked by. Eventually if you did nothing it would consume your every thought at work and home. Not only does your son have to deal with him when he walks out your front door. This boy lives in his head when he goes to bed at night. And I.m sure he's in his head before he leaves in the morning.. You would not allow this to go on inside your home but then agian in a way you are. If worse comes to worse call the police the side of thier car says to serve and PROTECT appearently this childs parents are not much different or this would have stopped.If my son were bullying a child and the parent came to me he would not have to worry about the other boy beating him up. His butt would be red by my hand. This kid is 7 from what you said ,if he's running the show there 's a serious problem.......

Hi. Send the cops over to that house. Obviosly that mother is just an idiot.

Can you imagine what that 7 year old sees and hears at his own home? Some "parents" should have never had kids. You're doing a good job mom with your child, wish I could say the same about these others that don't provide love or guidance. Sad situation. I would go to the police station and spreak to the juvenile officer and tell him the whole story and ask him to speak to the family about the repercussions of the sons actions. If those people don't nip this in the bud now, that child is jailbound in his future. Good luck mommy.

Bullying is so unfortunate and sad. I feel it's typically because the child has it "hard" at home or just likes the power for whatever reason. I would most likely take walks, bike rides, be in the yard with. . . my son- either you or your husband. Then, maybe you could ask him if he'd like to play or just simply monitor the bully behavior at this time. If he knows eyes are on him from an adult, maybe he will back down. If the bullying continues, I would definitely not let my son play with him or even have contact with him if at all possible. Be ready to have positive experiences with good influences happen at your house under your supervision. I might even mention it to his teacher and possibly your son could get some good pointers from a school counselor and also, maybe the bully could get some attention from the school counselor. Just some suggestions. . . hope this helps.

L.

Simply put, I'd call the police. Take a stand for your family. You have done everything right and that boy needs to see you're serious. Children like that only get worse unless something significant is done. Your child doesn't deserve to be treated that way. Sometimes we have to "fight" our child's battles and this one needs your attention. Good Luck!

Hi T.! I feel your pain! I'll never forget my son's first experience with a bully. I had taken him to Burger King's playland for the first time and he was SO excited...that is til he walked in and some bigger boy walked up to him and shoved him hard causing him to fall down. I'll never forget the shocked and bewildered look on his face, the tears came and he refused to go back in. I was so upset I wanted to knock that bully right on his butt! I did tell him that he shouldn't have pushed my son down, but the mother just laughed and thought it was funny. My son is now 13, super smart and a self-proclaimed "nerd". He's endured alot of teasing over the years but there were 2 instances that required me stepping in. Once when another boy in class made it his daily goal to ridicule my son in front of the entire class to the point where all the other kids were joining in. He came home miserable every day! When this was brought to the Vice Principal's attention she was shocked because the other boy was a total "nerd" too! Long story short, she gave him a good talking to, the teasing stopped and they are now friends. The second incidence occured last year when 2 boys had apparently been teasing my son on the bus for some time and it escalated into them getting physical, my son being traumatized, and this time the school and police became involved and battery charges were filed. One boy and his parents took full responsibility, apologized, charges were dropped and he's been nice ever since. The other boy and his parents denied everything (despite several witnesses) and it's still in court. Bullying is a terrible thing, sometimes done out of boredom, sometimes these kids don't have a happy homelife so they're taking their frustrations out on someone else. If this boy is picking on your son in school, let the principal know. Most schools have a zero tolerance policy on bullying. Definitely have a sit-down with both of his parents and let them know this needs to stop. Hopefully they will step up to the plate and put an end to it. If not, I would definitely not allow this child on your property, tell your son to avoid going anywhere near him, and if need be, you should go outside and say something to this child if he comes near your son or your home. Hopefully he'll get tired of it and move on. I wish you luck. My son was so sweet and innocent too and those bullies robbed him of that innocence. Hopefully you can put an end to it before your son becomes bitter and turns the tables on someone else.

I like your idea about inviting the nice kids over. My son was picked on by a bully some years back. He even broke my son's brand new skate board on his birthday! He was crying and this other mother told my son to stop crying or he wouldn't have any friends.What another vicious person. I just told him to stay away from the bully. Apparently the boy had a very bad family life and that made him feel powerful. I don't know what was wrong with this particular neighborhood mother. She wanted the boy to come over and play with her son or somethinhg.Even moms can be kind of bullies. I was standing there watching this whole thing and wondered what to do. It sort of played itself out. My son stayed away for awhile and then we didn't invite the bully to do anything. It seemed like eventually things just worked out. You ought to tell the boy yourself, now that you talked to mom and she either can't or won't do anything that you will report him and do so, either to school or perhaps law enforcement. Little bullies sometimes grow up to be older bullies and you could actually be helping stop this child from really hurting someone some day. Actually he is really out of boundaries now so this is pretty serious.

T., I scanned what other mommas had to say (didn't want to give advice that might upset anyone) and was happy to see that most gave similar advice to what I would say. My 8 yr old son is going through something similar w/ a kid on his football team and is being called vulgar names, being pounded on after he has already been tackled and the sad thing is, other kids on his team see it and other parents see it (I'm not just being an overprotective mom,) What is really frustrating is my son is a big boy and very strong, but he is not aggressive, so doesn't push back...and sadly, sometimes that is what it takes for a bullly to back off! We have talked to this boys parents and unlike you, they were helpful and nice about it...I would advise that if walking away or staying away is not working, tell your son it is ok to fight back and if he does get into trouble for it, let him know that you will back him up and be there for him. He does need to stand up for himself! I'm hoping someday my son figures that out! (he also has a big kid on the bus who picks on him...ugh!) Good luck and we are lucky to have such wonderful sweet sons who don't WANT to fight!

I like the story of the dad who brought the bully home and told his parents what happened and threatened to call the cops. I think when men get really mad, they are more intimidating that most women. That is exactly what I would have my husband do. I think the mom might 'get it' a little better if your husband gets involved. Good luck, I know I hate mean kids and want to tell 'em like it is, but I have to be the mature adult!

You need to encourage your kid to stand up to the bully. He can use humor if that works for him and, frankly, push back. Sometimes walking away doesn't work. Also try role playing at home where he is the bully and you are him - then switch. Have his dad do the role playing and have his dad (man to boy) give advice on how to handle him. Moms think differently than dads/boys. Just make sure you're on the same page as dad before he gives advice.