My husband for 18 years ,i just discovered that he was calling this lady who is his coworker almost everyday and he would talked to her at least twice a day.I accidentally found out when i noticed our celfone bill was high so I tried to investigate. He did this for more than 6 months without mentioning to me. As I reviewed the bills he would try to contact her like 5 to 6 times a day. His answer when I asked him why he did n't say or mention her to me , "I did not feel obligated to tell this to you". He kept saying that it was not that important to mention for him. After one year, our little fight will always end up discussing her. And always end up being the bad guy. I told him I was hurt and felt betrayed but he said i was being so paranoid. He stopped calling her but she is his coworker and evryday they still see each other. Please help me! Can anyone tell me that I should not be paranoid or feel betrayed coz it still hurts.
By the way , I did call his coworker "Emma" and she was very apologetic and I assured me that theres nothing between them.She is married too . I talked to my husband and asked him what could be the reason/s why he did it. He said he stopped calling her long time since we had that fight . He said maybe( which he emphasized it ) that he was tired of all my restrictions and that he used to be an outgoing person before we got married . He said a lot of things and I apologized too. I told him I want a divorce because for 18 years he never told me he was restricted and got tired of it so he had to find an outlet. I emphasized my point that he will find that happiness again and that I don't trust him anymore. He begged me for a second chance that he will change . I just told him to give me some space for now.
He is lying to you. He is seeing her at work instead of calling her. Because he was found out. I am sorry. He is being mean to you because he is guilty. I am sorry. Go to the doctor and get tested.
Dear M., it IS possible to have an even better marriage than before if BOTH of you want it. I went through a very similar situation about 10 years ago. In my case it was a woman which my husband emailed and chatted to online. She was also married. I chose to fight for my marriage and hubby & I went to marriage counselling. We recently celebrated our 21st Wedding Anniversary and I can honestly say that his "fling" was a wake-up call for me. We are honestly closer and happier now than ever before. Of course being betrayed hurts, but it IS possible to make something better by breaking something that wasn't working so well! Whatever you do, do what feels best for you and your family, and don't worry about what other people say! Good luck!
Its been going on for a year that you know about and probably even longer than that. He's cheating on you, plain and simple. You have been betrayed, and its clear he will continue to do it. You don't need to be paranoid anymore because you already know this. NOW you need to decide what you are going to do about it. Do you want to continue to live like this with him clearly disrespecting you and denying anything is going on although you know it is. He probably has another phone set up to call her without you knowing. Anyway, I could go on and on since I've been thru this myself. You need to figure out if you want to live the rest of your life being married to him and him doing what he wants, or make plans to separate and live your life either on your own to do as you wish, or with someone who will love and respect you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Good luck!!!!
Usually when something is going on the person who is causing the problem deflects it by trying to make it look like there's something wrong with you for even questioning what is going on. I think the fact that he was not forth coming with you and is calling this person 5 to 6 times a day means something is up. It may be just a harmless flirtation where she is leading him on a bit and he's too stupid to figure out that he shouldn't be calling.
As far as telling you what your next step should be? I think maybe you need to figure out what you need from this relationship and take your next step on what you need to do to get what you need. Would he consider counseling?
Go with your gut! You did the right thing. I really don't need to repeat everything everyone else has said to you.......I just agree.
The trust is gone.
Don't you dare make the mistake of taking your feelings for granted. He has an emotional connection with another woman and you have every right to feel betrayed. Don't make the mistake of not listening to your feelings.
You need to determine what you are going to do and how you are going to do it. One of the movies I really enjoy is The Women. Perhaps your husband hasn't had a physical affair he has had an emotional one and it is still the same if not worse. Candice Bergen's character gives her daughter some timely advice about how to handle her husband's affair. It was good and sound advice.
I would suggest strongly you determine what it is you want and then plan it out how to go about how to get what you want or walk away with your dignity in tact.
One last thing if this happened to me between my husband and I. I would immediately go out and join a gym, get a new hair do and work on a new wardrobe, take up a hobby, make new friends and start a life separate from him. Why you may ask? Men love the chase. Give him something to be curious about. Give him a reason to chase you again while in the meantime you are feeling better and better about the state of your own life. Trust me this works and when it doesn't you are prepared to move onto someone new who can appreciate the new you.
Men (or women) who are cheating/lying always turn it around an accuse the other person of being crazy. My ex was cheating (no solid proof, since I was the crazy, insecure girlfriend that is EXTEMELY intuitive) and it might not have been physical (or maybe it was), but after I broke up with him, 6 months later, he married the woman before me. Really? You go from nothing going on to married in 6 months? It takes at least that long to plan a wedding. Wanna know something else? He still calls me (not often) and e-mails me (not often) and professes his love to me.(I'm sure he was doing the same thing to her when we were together.) His wife knows nothing...he even told her that he didn't date anyone after they broke up...and we were together for 3 years. She doesn't even know I exist. He's been married for 13 years (no kids) and I've been married for 11 years (4 kids). AND he has 2 phones....I'm betting she doesn't know about one of them. I asked him how he can call me and she doesn't know. He told me that he saved my number under a man's name. Nice, huh? I tell my husband when he calls, just so nothing is hidden. A small lie can turn into a large one very easily, so I don't even let it get that much momentum. My husband is secure and so am I. Besides, we have 4 kids, work together and homeschool. Who has time to cheat? LOL
Bottom line: You should be hurt. No man calls anyone 5-6 times each day, even drinking buddies. You are not paranoid. He's a liar.
You know your husband better than anyone here does.
Let me get this straight--He was secretly calling a female coworker 5-6 times per day and YOU'RE paranoid? Was it work related questions? Because if not, I cannot see this as anything other than sneaky and malicious.
Now, I'm a big believer in forgive and FORGET and MOVE AHEAD with the FORGET part being most important, but then again, I'm also a fan of not living in denial. Has he apologized and it's over and you keep bringing it up? Because to get past it--you DO have to put it in the past!
Better safe than sorry... get an STD test.
He may or may not be having or have had an affair... but this is a win/win situation. Get the test. If it's negative GREAT. If not... then you can take care of the infection before it damages your organs and/or your brain. ((Married men have a BAD habit of not suiting up when they have affairs. They get into the 'prevent pregnancy' mindset and forget about all the STDs out there)).
And the "right" response isn't that your paranoid / blame shifting/ you're crazy/ defensiveness. The "right" response is "Oh! I'm sorry! I didn't even think to mention it. That's just Suzy, we touch base on projects all the time. Drop in at the office anytime you like and I'll introduce you."
That is unacceptable behavior in a spouse. If he cannot give you a rational reason without being defensive why he would NEED to call her about WORK, then something is going on.
Got your message about the miscarriage. Sounds like you may need a friend. email me if you want..
Jamie
____@____.com... here if you need a friend:)
