Help in Anyway

I recomend a book called The five Love Languages of Children or The five Love Languages of Teens, by Gary Chapman & Ross Campbell, M.D. I bought the teen one on CD after reading the childrens book. cbd.com, a christian site, sells these at a reasonable price. When a child acts in this sort of anger, they do not care what you take away from them. Anger is a normal part of growing up and this book shows you ways to train her how to manage anger appropriately so that good character will be produced.

If she is fine at home and mostly having problems at school, there may be something going on that you don't know about. I could be anything from bulling to just the way they make her feel. She has to feel even more terrible if they keep taking everything away. If she is trying and they just keep getting mad at her, she can't win. She probably figures what's the point. Anyway, have you considered homeschooling her? Maybe she needs to be removed from that environment even if it is just for a while. It will probably just get worse as she gets older if you don't do something now. If you don't think you or someone in you know could homeschool her, there are people who homeschool other peoples kids for a fee. There is private school also, but it sounds like homeschooling her till she gets her confidence back and feels good about herself again might be the direction to go. Kids who feel good about themselves don't usually act out like that. Something has to be going on if she is good at home. Possibly even some sort of abuse. I have no idea, but look for what is not obvious and for other solutions than the school she is attending.

Hi,
I have a friend in Iowa that has a son that did the same as your neice. It could be medical. She finally got the right diagnosis, after they said he was A.D.D. and other things, they finally found a doc that said she believed it was Asperger's Syndrome(I think that is the correct spelling). It is hard at times for these children with A.S. to control their temper when at other times things are great. He is on the right medication and the past couple of years have been wonderful for her. He graduated (early) on Thursday of this past week and w/great grades and has ambition to go to college and to become a missionary. Hope is there. The answer is there. The problem is trying to find it. Good Luck and God Bless.

S. F

School can often not give a child with special needs (even just being very intelligent makes you a special needs child in todays schools) the attention they need which may explain why this is happening at school and not at home. Especially if she is very smart and has emotional issues a traditional school may not be the right fit for her. There could also be other issues that are causing this to happen only at school like children making fun of her or even just her feeling different (which is VERY common for children who have been abused.) But I cannot understand how the counselor can say she is just being a normal child. From what you are explaining she is having difficulty functioning at school and is not responding to consequences which is not normal. Perhaps the counselor is not wanting you to treat her differently as people often tend to baby abused children which isn't good for them (they have to learn to deal with life's ups and downs just like everyone else even if their downs were more traumatic) but not addressing a problem when there is one is not appropriate no matter how you look at it. I think you should try to find another counselor. My daughter was also abused (by her grandfather) and we have had significant issues from that at times. Just as you described, she was much worse immediatey after the abuse but even years later there are things we have to work on. I finally found an excellent counselor that really turned things around for my daughter. Finding the right fit with the counselor was crucial and made all the difference in the world. After doing much better, she stopped seeing her almost a year ago. Because children get different understandings of what they have been through at each developmental level they often need to go back to counseling even after they appear to have been dealing with things well for a period of time simply because they get a deeper understanding of what happened as they get older. Because of that, my daughter has started couseling again recently. She will probably need to be in counseling on and off for much of her life. Also, that wonderful counselor we found suggested I go to a love and logic seminar. It is a perenting style that has been so helpful for us. You can check out their web site at www.loveandlogic.com You can read free articles there and see if it is something that might work for you before spending money on books or a seminar although it was some of the best money I have ever spent. I think it really prepares children for the "real world" in a way that is not harsh yet forces them to be responsible for their behavior and to deal with the consequences (good or bad) for their choices. The parents are just guides not there to be militant or a door mat. In fact they have a version of it for educators as well and it is being used in many schools across the country so the school may benefit from it also. In any case, hang in there. In being "mommy" you have taken on a huge task but it will be so rewarding because you can help this little girl heal from the wounds she has sustained at the hands of her mother. In a sense you are saving her life. But that is not something you can do without resources so find a counselor that will help you through this, get as much education as you can about abuse and its effects on children and how to help them and make sure you have support for yourself because I know it has been difficult for me at times and I couldn't have made it witout someone to help me through how difficult it is to raise an abused child. If you want to talk, feel free to contact me privately and I will be happy to go more in depth into the resources which have helped me. And remember, you are not alone; my prayers are with you.

I agree with Zoe, so many children are fairly well behaved at home, yet horrible at school because they are not being challanged academically. There is a good chance that she is bored at school, and just looking for some way to entertain herself. I would suggest trying to see if she needs to be in more advanced classes. This worked wonders for my bestfriends daughter. Her daughter was on the verge of being expelled from the school because her behavior was so terrible, but while at home she was a perfect angel. Her grades were EXCELLENT, so her school counselor decided that she should be tested, and turns out, she was more gifted than we thought. She is now in a gifted program at her school, and is THE MOST WELL BEHAVED CHILD IN THE CLASS!! As far as her psychologist goes, kick her to the curb and find a new one ASAP!! She obviously has some issues that need to be addressed. Good Luck to you and your family.

Several questions? I know Dad is a good Dad, but how much one on one time does he spend with just her? Does she have an outlet for her to vent to someone without fear of her comments being repeated? Divorce for some kids is like dealing with death. The counselor may say she is fine but I would say she is not. Find someone else to turn to. A teacher or pastor or good friend that can spen time with just her and let her talk. Mostly about nothing inpaticular, but a place, time and person that is there for her. Someone who won't repeat or scold but someone that will be incourageing and maybe alittle firm on proper do and don'ts but not condencinding. She is trying to figure out where she fits in. When people get to close she blowsup. Right? If people get to close she is afraid they will leave her. Somewhere she feels what has happened was her fault. Let her know in small ways on a regular basis that she is loved and no matter what you will be there. You are the mother figure and mom is not there so you get the brunt of her feelings. Be loving, encourageing and don't judge her, love her. Thats is what she is looking for. She just doesn't see it. Mimi J

i now havea 18yr. old that is much better behaved, than he used to be. i took him to the doc and he was diagnosed ad/hd and was put on adderall and it stopped alot of his violent outburst. If i were you i would bring her to the doctor and explain the situation and maybe your pediatrician can put on the correct path, she may not be ad/hd but may have some other type of problem, just remember not to give up, ever, you can never go wrong helping any child, they all need a loving hand and a shoulder to lean on and they do change with maturity.

signed,
A.

I went through my parents nasty divorce, they both ended up proving the other unfit so they both lost custody of my little sister and I. I was also pretty messed up over it. I never had formal counseling but my grandparents got custody of us. Although I hated living with them, that was the best place for me. I was in 7th grade at the time and I only behaved great for my grandparents because they were the only adults that had earned my respect. Here are some of the things my grandma told me that I haven't forgotten.

"There are two ways you can deal with the rough stuff in life. #1 You can dwell on it and allow the unfairness to consume you and ultimately destroy you or #2 You can use that stubbornness to your advantage and challenge the world that seems determined to mess you up. You want control of your life, take it, this is where you need to start. You're a smart girl, show them all how strong you are and prove this world can't destroy you because you can survive anything you put your mind to."

Another thing she did which I hated was anytime she saw me pouting around or depressed or even acting like I was happy when she knew better, she would set me down for an "adult conversation". She would let me vent what was wrong if I wanted to but she never pushed when I didn't. She always said, "Alright sweetheart it's time you take control of what's bothering you. There's nothing you can do about what happened but you have complete control over your reaction to it. Give me one good thing you can learn from the situation and one way it could have been worse." Sometimes I would cooperate and find an answer but usually she had to say, "Well, when you realize you are strong enough to take control of your life today I will expect your answer in writing in exchange for your phone." I lived there for two years and did this so many times that now I naturally do it every day. I believe this was the best thing anybody ever did for me.

I liked those little books of proverbs and wise quotes so she saved every single one she could get her hands on I'm sure. She'd see a cool one in the paper or on a message board somewhere and copy it down for me. Every time I turned around she was giving me these quotes. I acted like I didn't want them because I knew her intentions but I saved them and eventually I decided to copy them down in a notebook. For some reason I took pride in that notebook and it made me feel better like I had some secret to life that nobody else had. I think that notebook just reinforced everything else she was trying to teach me about life.

In case you haven't noticed I posted a question similar to yours because now I am divorced but my kids are too young for me to try what my grandma did.

get another opinion this child needs help She has been thru a traumatic time losing her mom and no matter what she is hurting on the inside and needs to work thru her anger and feelings of losing her mom

you have a problem cause children who come out of a divorce have problems cause they think the divorce is their fault but I take it the the other child is doing fine and also it could be possible some of the kids have gotten her involved in something else sounds like you niece may be trying some of these new drugs like huffing or taking over the counter drugs one of the first signs is a change in bahavior you might want to talk to a doctor but it sounds like something is going on I am sure you feel that she is to young but thats not true check on it good luck I am praying for you

Have you consider she may have a mental illness, may you should ask for an evaluation?

S.,

Have you talked with her pediatrician? What did they say? Any counselor should address your concerns. I would find a new one. Something obviously is going on. Kids never want to lose their priveldges. Maybe she feels she doesn't deserve them. But if this counselor is not llistening I would find someone who will listen before it does get out of control.

If this child acts good at home, I certainly wouldn't be taking her priveleges away. First I would look at the school itself and consider changing that, as it's the only place she's "acting out." Please don't make her current life any more miserable than it is.

I was having some similar problems and my Doctor sent me to a specilist and he prescribed me mood stabalizers. They worked for me. I hope this helped.

Your niece has had it rough and though you may and or may not know it that divorce took alot out of her and she may be showing out at school because it makes her feel big in front of the other children.If it persists I would concider going to a different counselor or even paying for a phsyciatrist and see what happens then life is a waiting game and we all respond to it in different ways maybe her way is to shout and scream were some one else is to sit and cry.

have she seen a psychologist or a doctor she may have some feelings she needs to release that she doesn't feel comfortable dealing out to her family sometimes it is easier to talk to a stranger who won't judge and then if medication is needed they can correctly prescribe something

Sorry, but is sounds to me like she just needs an old fashion spanking every once and a while, maybe this is what she is asking for, some child associate this with " you really do love me and care". Sounds as if she competing for attention and will get it anyway she can, good or bad attention.

I would find a new counselor.

S. -

You may want to consider consulting with a different counselor. My neice had quite a few issues after her parent's divorce and although one counselor told them she was just fine a second one was able to work with her and help her cope better.

Find another councellor,this child has issues. This is coming from someone who had issues of my own as well as my son having issues. His psycologist said the same as yours but when he got a different one things got better. They are usually pent up anger issues and they need help learning how to control and deal with this

See another counselor.

Find another counselor so ya;ll can get to the root of thids anger. Weird how she only acts out at school. Good luck and let us know what happens.