I realize this isn't a parenting question, but I need some advice.
First, I love my sister-in-law...honestly. She has a great sense of humor and loves spending time with her nephews.
My sister-in-law doesn't live far from us, just a half hour drive. Since my father-and mother-in-law are getting on in years, most birthdays are celebrated at our home. And we always host Thanksgiving and Christmas...every single year (going on twelve years now).
Here's my problem: After most celebrations she sticks around without any care for time. Seriously, it is Christmas evening as I write this at 9 p.m. She arrived at 8:30 a.m. my father- and mother-in-law left around 5. I'm exhausted. After shopping all week, doing all the wrapping, doing the Santa gig, getting up early (we try to get up before everyone arrives to do stockings so we have a small moment of calm together), cleaning up from breakfast, getting dinner started, cleaning up from dinner, cleaning up from unwrapping all the gifts, putting together toys for the kids, and entertaining on top of it all, I'm exhausted. I want to sit down with my husband and just chill out.
However, my sister-in-law feels that since she is family, it's fine to stay however long she wants. She goes into the living room and sits in the middle of the couch and then doses off...snoring. Okay the snoring is light, but still. I'm not comfortable relaxing, because I feel the need to chit-chat when she wakes and then I sit there while she sleeps. I am in my bedroom at this point, I told my husband to tell her I went to bed. I don't like hiding out in my room because I'm not comfortable feeling like I have to be ready to entertain.
I have tried polite methods in the past because this isn't new. I have tried "Oh you must want to get home." That didn't work, she told me "no."
My husband and I tried telling her we were going to bed (it was midnight), she said "Night," and didn't move. I don't know when she left but she left our door unlocked when she left. And no, we don't have a guest room.
How do I nicely (without causing a rift in the family and come off being a witch) tell her to leave? We are going on 13 hours for the love of Pete!
Thank you all for the responses, you've been very helpful. I guess I should have been more clear. I am pretty much in agreeance with her being lonely. She is married, but her husband goes off to do his own thing after breakfast and present opening. So she drives separate to stay longer. Also her husband is a slob. So their house is a mess. She battles some weight issues that have affected her health and it's difficult for her to keep up with his messes, which is why she never hosts any holidays or birthdays. Her health is why I don't expect much help in the kitchen, we have tile and it's hard for her to stand for long periods.
Also, I am already the outspoken one in this family. My family is quite the opposite. So, I already speak more than my husbands' family is used to. I really do like my SIL. I don't want to offend her. She already knows that I do not like her husband. I am learning to be civil for her sake.
After I sent that message and received a few replies, I went downstairs and woke her up (we don't have an extra room in the house and as for loudness, our kids were on fire...I wish I could sleep through that, LOL). I told her it had been a long day and I was going to bed, but wanted to thank her for everything she brought and wish her a Merry Christmas. She started talking about what food to keep, so I took the cue and packed her up. Hubby came up and and we helped her out to her car.
Thanks for the advice, I know she likes to be near us, but I am going to have to set some guidelines. I just get a bad vibe whenever I want to approach the subject and I really don't want to hurt her feelings.
Thanks again and I hope everyone has a wonderful and safe New Year.
Here's what always works for me:
Big smile..."Ok, I'm kicking you out now. Mwah mwah. Thanks for everything. Love you!"
I almost had the same problem but I told my sister-in-law it is bed time and to go home. I am just straight and to the point especially with my three toddlers in the house. So I again I said get out of my house and go home. It is real simple.
First of all she may be a guest, but I would ask her to help me clean up.
Honey come in the kitchen and help clean the kitchen.. When you clear the table, could you take the linens to the laundry room?..
Then when you are ready to go to bed, tell her. "I am exhausted so I think we are all going to bed. I am so glad you were here today and thanks so much for helping me clean up.. Love you. I will call you in the morning.. her is your coat, some leftovers and gifts.. good night.. love you.. "
She IS family so treat her like it.. with the truth..
So other than her bad internal clock, she's a good SIL? = )
This is a tough one because you don't want to lose the 9 things you like about this person in order to fix the one thing you do not.
I am blunt spoken (though, I like to think of it as being "clear" and "honest" instead of blunt). And so I would tell my husband he was in charge of doing the following as soon as the 2nd to last guest was making moves to leave:
Pack up whatever bags, etc. your SIL needs to go home with and announce in a firm, slightly loud voice in front of everyone, "Hey sis! I am gathering up your stuff and loading it in your car."
After he comes back in from this task, have him again declare, "Hey sis! I left your car running so it will be warm and toasty for you."
Wait 5 minutes, then have DH get her coat, grab her hand to more or less force her to her feet and then he can help her into her coat. Very gentlemanly!
Call the boys to give hugs and kisses and goodbyes.
Finally, DH guides her gently to the door, opens it and gives her the final polite escort outside and to her car.
If this doesn't work, start getting reeeaallllly hot n heavy with your DH right next to her on the couch. = )
"Oh, Janey, it was such a terrific day, don't you think? Wasn't it great to ____ (fill in the blank)? I just thought it was so cute when ____ (fill in this blank too). Thanks so much for bringing ____ (a particular gift or food item) I love the holidays! But, sorry, honey, all good things have to come to an end. The kids are done & so am I. I hope you don't think I'm being a Scrooge but I'm kicking you out now (said with humor and a genuine smile). I need to get the house quiet & get to bed! Isn't it awful that, after all the preparation, the day just goes too fast? Thanks so much for coming. Would you like to take some of the leftover _____ home to snack on tomorrow?"
Either your husband or you can say this or a version of it. It would be best if you can let people know ahead of time that the day needs to end earlier than it has in the past. Say it with true warmth -- not smarminess -- and love; avoid annoyance in your voice. Realize the compliment her staying around is -- she must really have a great time & love you guys!
Call in the morning to tell her again how much you enjoyed the day & her company and how you hated to see it end.
I would start my next Holiday discussion with specific beginning and ending hours stated for all who are going to be attending. Tell them that you have something else planned at 6:00 7:00 ...whatever time you decide to "call it a night". Could you get another guest to be sort of a "Helper" in getting SIL out of the house? Maybe they could bring her coat and purse to her and offer to "walk her to her car"...or better yet...they could provide transportation...bring her AND take her home!!!
If you need to...bundle up the children...and tell everyone that you are heading out and need to be able to lock up...then stand there expectedly!! After they all leave...pile the kids in the car and go drive around and look at Christmas lights for a while...then go home to your nice quiet...EMPTY house!!
Good luck
Stop treating her like a guest. It may be uncomfortable for you, but the hope would be that it will be more uncomfortable for her.
Do what you want. Don't worry about entertaining her. Don't make it too comfortable. If you don't want her snoring on the couch be loud or ask her to doze in the kids room. You might tell her ahead of time you will be excited to see her, but you hope she understands that you would like her to go home at a specific time because you have plans as a family.....
This is your husbands sister, right? Would he be able to tell her to leave before you go to bed. Just flat out tell her. "Hey Sis, last time you didn't lock the door when you left so how about leaving now so I can get some sleep without worrying whether you locked the door." She might be a little insulted, but she'll get over it.
Just tell her next that you have planned your celebration from 2pm to 6pm because you have made other plans after that. She doesn't need to know if it is just you and your husband sitting around together or if you are going to a party. Just be solid that you are having people over from 2 to 6 only and leave it at that. When it is time for everyone to leave then remind her that you need her to leave at 6pm. Be that direct. No hinting or fussing around, you have plans to hang with your immediate family - period. Not her. She will leave. If she gets upset, just remind her that you told her ahead of time so there would be no surprises and you wanted to make sure you didn't hurt her feelings.
If it doesn't work and she is just mad, maybe you have corrected the problem. JK. = )
Good luck.
P.S. As for tonight, maybe you just want to go down and tell her what you told all of us. Funny how you can tell strangers what you can't tell your own family. Pretty much let her know that you worry about her being down there alone and you just cannot rest until she goes home. Tell her if she wants to get together another day it would be great because you love hangin' with her but tonight you are tired and need her to head out.
Why are you more concerned with her feelings than with yours and what's best for your family? Politely tell her that you're going to bed and it's time to go home. Hand her her coat and anything else that sne's going to take with her. Actually, it probably should be your husband that does this.
Some people just don't get social niceties. Is this the only unusual lack of social understanding for her? There are some mental/emotional conditions such as autism/Aspergers that handicap people. They usually aren't offended when they're told what to do in a kind voice. They really just do not know how to behave in some social situations.
Everyone in my life has told me at one time or another to leave, either directly by saying they have such and such to do or indirectly by bringing me my coat and saying something like "it's been good having you visit."
Having this happen has clued me in to pay more attention to subtle clues. Some people just don't get the more subtle clues and it takes direct directions every time.
It is not selfish to take care of yourself. You need that down time. You know it. It's very reasonable to tell her to go home in a diplomatic/kind tone of voice.
Later: Is she falling asleep because she's had too much to drink? If that's the case do not send her to drive in her car tonight. Give her bedding and let her sleep on the couch. A nuisance! But better than an auto accident. In the future monitor her drinking and send her on her way before she's drank too much. Perhaps plan to "run out" of alcohol early in the evening.
Oh, I feel for you. My older brother can stay for hours also -- not as long as your SIL though -- and is quite the talker. Doesn't help with any of the prep or clean up so, with his long stay, chattiness and all that goes into preparing the dinner and all that, I am exhausted by the end of the day. Since it's my brother, I am usually just honest and tell him (nicely, of course) that it's time for him to get going since I need some down time before going to bed. He knows he's a talker so he does appear to take any offense to my prodding him along, out the door.
Honesty is usually the best policy. But remember that it's usually not what you say but how you say it that's important. Talk to your husband about it, come up with a strategy of what to say and seriously think about having your husband talk to her about this situation. She'll probably receive it better if it comes from him.
Hope this helps.
Tell her
"It's time to call it a night and I need to get my family and household to wind down and get ready for bed and the next day. Nice to see you all day! See you again soon."
Why in the heck is your husband not manning up to his own sister to tell her she has to leave? Why is he dumping this all on you? That's REALLY crappy of him.
Unfortunately you are going to have to be blunt. No matter what, this may cause trouble in the family-but if you explain to them what the situation is and let them see how it feels in your shoes, maybe they will understand. Go in there wake her up, get her purse for her and her things and say---It was wonderful to have you today ______thank you for coming over and spending all this time with us! Its time to go home now- The kids need to get to bed and we need to have some family time before getting to sleep. Thank you for coming over-- Let me have my hubby walk you out. She may get all huffy, but too bad-- its her fault for over-staying!
Molly
How awful! The clueless family member who won't go home. From now on forever and ever, simply thank her for coming, tell her you had a great time, but that it's time for her to leave because you need to do a couple things and then go to bed. Better yet - have your husband tell her this b/c she is his sister (right?). She is obviously single. Hopefully next Christmas she will have a boyfriend. But boyfriend or not, make sure this will never happen again by politely telling her that it's time to leave!
Maybe she is lonely. In the future I would ask her ahead of time if she would like to stay the night. That way when you were ready for bed you could let her know where her room was and say good night.
I think your gonna have to be blunt. I had an issue a while back with my boyfriends cousin after we moved into our 2 bedroom apartment. He felt that since we had an extra room (which was basically my baby room that I was in the process of nesting in), that he could just stay. I couldn't get him to leave for a whole weekend. He ate my food, he watched my TV, he slept on the floor of the room. My boyfriend never said anything to him because he was scared to upset him, so I finally told him that he needed to go home as I wanted to have some alone time with my boyfriend and couldn't do that with him in the apartment. He left. We've had to no problems since.
When you guys went to bed you should have said goodbye and walked her to the door. Not locking the door would throw me into a fit she wouldn't pull that again becasue I would freak on her. I am paranoid about making sure doors are locked when I go to bed.
You are going to have to put your foot down and she has to leave, it's just that simple. Talk to her about it before the next holiday. Actually I would call her now and talk about what happened, this can't happen again next whatever the holiday guest must leave by pick a time with your hubby that is good for you before you are exhausted and going to bed.
Maybe if she is lonely at the holidays, stop treating her like a 'guest' and more of a part of your kids' family? Like, if she is not wanting to go home to an empty home, you can have a place for her to stay the night after each event? Maybe you can have her cook breakfast with the kids for YOU and your husband, they can clean up together, then she can take them to a park or a the zoo while you and your husband relax? You can help her start a NEW tradition and get some down time also. It could be something she continues even if she does get married. Only then, she can take them to her house maybe? ;)
you don't do anything have your spouse do it. It;s his sister.
Nicely you tell her "It's time for you to leave our house we need to lock up for the night. You don't have to go home, you just can't stay here."
