So now they are mad at ME! My SIL is lazy shes almost 30 and still lives at home and just purchased an Xbox so shes been playing lots of video games. She is working full time but might be fired because she didn't have a vacation day for Friday and took off the day anyway.
I know that she is going to do but she wants but I don't expect her to treat my house like her room.
I told her to hang up her coat about 6 times and she finally did it only after I tossed her her coat and and hanger and her mom told her to do it..
She left a mess in the kitchen making a snack after I had just cleaned up after making dinner.... I spent 5 hrs cooking and 2 hrs cleaning up the mess. Which she told me she would help but went to take a nap instead.
And she was smoking in my basement I think she thought it was ok because the door was open.
Come to find out DH's mom didn't like that I was telling SIL what to do and they wanted to go home. And because they were in such a hurry they left a bag of stuff here that I had to go to the post office and mail. So now they are mad at me because I didn't let her treat my house like their house. I know that if DH finds out he might be pissed at me but he knows how his sister is. I don't want to tell him and bring it up he thinks his parents left for other reasons.
What should I do?
You're right I'm don't respect her because shes a 30 year old woman that acts like a 10 year old kid. She expects someone (and its usually her dad) to follow her around and pick up after her. The snacking was after thanksgiving We had snacks in the afternoon, dinner later afternoon and pie. I didn't expect that she would have something to eat after all the eating that was done.
The other thing about it is when we go to their house we pick up after ourselves and our kids. So I didn't think it was an issue that I asked her to pick up after herself.
Talk to your husband, he is the one that should be dealing with his families disrespect, not you.
You have every right to be pissed!
To those that think the SIL was a guest - family are not guests! They are f-a-m-i-l-y! 'Guests' ask where to put their coats!
Sometimes you treat people the way they act. If they are acting childish, you treat them like a child.
She sure didn't act like a guest OR family in my book. She acted like a spoiled brat!
Don't worry about DH. You had every right to act the way you did. Why is it okay for the SIL to act so childish? Put it back on her, stand your ground.
I've got your back sista!
Update: Ultimately, I don't think your behavior was constructive, and I don't think your SWH was constructive, either. It didn't do anything (and was never going to do anything) but piss people off. The few encounters you have with your SIL are not going to change her. Period. She lives this way because she's been allowed to live this way. If you insist on trying to make her change, then you need to go to the source - those enabling her - her parents. Demand of them what you would demand of parents of a poorly behaved child - that they step up and fill in the gaps where their child doesn't. She doesn't hang up her coat? You expect them to. She doesn't clean up her mess? You expect them to. They're the ones allowing her to live this way, they should be the ones expected to behave like adults since they're allowing her to act like a spoiled brat.
And...I don't see a difference between family that you don't see regularly and guests. Why do people who share blood with you deserve less respect than strangers or acquaintences?
Original: You may not like my opinion - but guests in my house are allowed to make small messes and are not TOLD to clean them up. Children? Yes. That's teaching them to respect other people's things/homes. Adults? Nope.
I will give you the benefit of the doubt here and assume that she did MUCH MUCH more than not hang up her coat (disgusting) and making a mess because she made a snack...
The smoking think is definitely NOT okay. But neither was your behavior. You don't toss a guest her coat and a hanger and demand they hang it up. You pick it up, say something like "let me get this out of the way for you - wouldn't want it to get messed up" and hang it up yourself!
If you're concerned about her making a mess when she makes a snack, then leave something out to nibble on or when you see her head into the kitchen follow and ask her what you can help her with.
I would doubt that your MIL is mad because you didn't let your SIL "treat your house like their house," I would bet she's mad because you refused to show basic consideration and grace to guests in your house because you don't agree with your SIL's lifestyle.
It's obvious you have issues with her beyond her respect for your house - the first paragraph of your post had absolutely nothing to do with your complaint. You don't respect your SIL and obviously think you can treat her like a child. Well, this is what happens when you do.
Oh, and what should you do? Apologize for being rude, remind them of the rule of no smoking in your house, and invite them back for Christmas to make up for your behavior.
ouch....I would be upset about this too! Telling her to hang up coat, clean up mess as rude and inconsiderate as she was bitting your tongue is what should have happened...NOW the smoking on the other hand that is unacceptable period and that I would have addressed regardless of feelings. Your DH needs to help you handle this one. Probably need to apologize for the "bossy" comments but not the smoking...Time to smooth things over
Sorry :)
I'm sure you may be right in principle, but I don't know that Thanksgiving was exactly the right time to decide to make your point and "straighten out" a grown adult who you feel doesn't take enough responsibility for herself.
Especially with your mother in law and father in law there.
That approach was bound to go down in flames.
Just my opinion.
Hmmm, I really wish I could sympathize with you, but I am having a tough time.
As the hostess, I always hang up my guests' coats for them. I have never handed (especially not TOSSED) them a hanger and told them to do it for themselves.
I would also make a snack FOR my guests--my brothers are always hungry, and when they are at my house for hours at a time, I give them snacks, in addition to the meals. I would NEVER ask for them to clean up anything in my kitchen.
Regardless of how she acts, you SHOULD be treating her as an adult. Stooping to her level does not help AT ALL.
The indoor smoking is inexcusable, but the rest seems like you have unreal expectations for your guests. I assume if you had a friend come over you wouldn't treat them the same way, but since she has a track record of less than desirable behaviors, you didn't give her the white-glove treatment. Sorry to be so blunt, but I think you were even more rude than she was.
My family helps with the clean up after each meal, and different ones bring appetizers or dessert, etc. We ALL clean up together, and if someone wants another sandwich later they make it themselves and clean up themselves. Since they are over at our house at least monthly (although not all at the same time, except for big holidays) they all know where the cups and drinks are and can open the dishwasher.
And house rules about smoking should DEFINITELY be obeyed, or else no more visits. You want to smoke, you go 15 feet away from the house and spray yourself with Febreze before you come back inside. Fortunately, no one I know smokes.
If DH gets pissed at you then let him know that you don't expect to be treated like a slave in your own house and if his folks and sister do not like you standing up for yourself, then LET them leave. He can be the one to explain the house rules to them, and help them hang up coats, and cook for 5 hours while YOU go take a nap!! Do not feel guilty about this, you did the right thing.
Do we have the same SIL?? No, can't be, because mine was at my house for Thanksgiving, too! I figure that we only see them about once a year (or less, it's been 1.5 years since the last time we went to visit them), so I can bite my tongue for a few days and put up with the mess, noise, rudeness, etc... to keep the peace and let my husband enjoy the time with his family. In our case, it wasn't just the SIL, it was also her husband, their 2 rowdy (rude, whiney, messy, obnoxious) boys, AND my MIL (whom I love dearly, but pretty much drives me nuts with all her "enabling")!! I have to pat myself on the back, though, because I didn't get upset with them, say anything rude, or shove either kid off the mountain! And, it was my husband who said (about 20 minutes after they physically left the house) "Wow, I love my family, but I've never been more happy that they live in XYZ and we live in ABC!" (About 1200 miles apart.)
As for your story, I'd say that "yes" you probably went a bit far. I guess if they're over at the house all the time and she is always disrespecting you and your space (which is really what this behavior comes down to), I can understand that you snapped. But, there is one easy solution: Stop inviting her over! Everyone may have hurt feelings or whatever, but at least you won't have to put up with it in your house!
Good luck, I hope the rest of your holidays are calmer and more enjoyable!
I don't think it is unacceptable for you to expect this behavior from her. It sounds like you have been a part of the family for quite some time, long enough for you to not get the bend over backwards guest treatment in their home and vise versa. I do think your husband should step up and deal with his family issues and you with yours if it arises. If he refuses to do so, then he has at that point thrown the ball in your court.
I have issues with my parent used as well and fortunately him and I have the same isues with them. He does handle it. There has only been one time where I did and that was because it involved my kids and could.t wait for for him to get home.
That being said, we do have to remember, if no other reason, to be respectful and a little more tolerant because they as our husbands family. But that doesn't mean we have to be their doormat or allow them to disrespect us or our space. And don't be afraid to ask her point blank to help with dinner dishes, maybe say something like, " so & so, I could really. use some help, do you mind? That way we can get do quicker so we can all sit relax and visit together sooner." Maybe ask her that in front of EVERYONEso if she says no, your husband will see and maybe someone else will step in and help you. I don't think you did anything wrong, as long as you weren't mean it disrespectful to her as a person.
that would irritate me. i think you need to discuss it with your husband and let him speak with his family. when we are at a family members house or friends house we always pick up our mess and help out.
my younger sister and brother are like this and i just dont invite them. i point blank told them i would not invite them to gatherings if they cant pitch in and clean up their messes. they told me fine then we wont come if you feel like that and i havent seem them in 2 years. all i could think was really instead of saying oh ok we will try better next time it was just too easy for them to decide not to come then to pick up after themselves.
This woman acts like a teenager because she has never been taught to act like an adult. Your parents-in-law are poor parents and enablers. You can't fix this.
Normally I'd say that in your home, you treat people coming to your home as guests, even if they are family. However, this case is pretty bad, and perhaps you are tilting at windmills in hopes of teaching the family a lesson. Of course, the lesson you risk teaching is that you are a poor host. I think that you could handle it differently, treating her like the adult you expect her to be, rather than treating her like the teen she acts like, but it is HARD to do. You probably have a hard time seeing the forest for the trees, if you understand what I'm saying.
It will be interesting to see who goes to whose house for Christmas. I think that if they bring it up with you beforehand, you might talk gently, but firmly about the harm they are doing, keeping this woman in perpetual teenagerhood. Maybe they'll listen, maybe they'll shoot the messenger. Only you can decide if the chance they will learn something from you is worth it.
Dawn
