HELP Husband Wants a Divorce, Long Story

You can't fix him you can only fix you. I would get some counseling for you and just go from there. You can't force someone to fall back into love. I would get an attorney and get out.

1. Get medical help. Could also be a psychiatric issue, such as bipolar. Don't try to self-diagnose. Start with your regular doctor, who can then refer you to specialists as needed.

2. Pursue counseling on your own. Sounds like there's a lot to work out and you can do your part by getting help from the right therapists. You're not doing this for him, but for you. Even if your marriage doesn't last, you want to better understand why and be able to move on a happier person.

3. Talk to a lawyer. If your husband says it's done, chances are it's done. You still want to get help for yourself, but also need to be prepared for a possible divorce.

ETA: I see now that he's cheating, so consider things done. Take care of yourself healthwise, but get in with a lawyer now.

M.:

Being a military wife or dependent is NEVER easy. Deployments suck - they can be long and the stuff that they go through in a war - well, some NEVER get over it.

I will assume your husband is Army and you are stationed at Camp Atterbury. If you don't have access to the hospital there - things have changed sooo much!!! Find a GREAT OB/GYN in Indianapolis that specializes in PMDD.

You've said some hurtful things to your husband. For him, being deployed in a war zone - the last thing he needs to do is worry about what's going on at home and get himself killed or his unit. So this may be a way of him putting a wall up so he can concentrate on getting home safely.

You need to take this time and find a doctor who can help you and help you find a balance in your life and your hormones. Also find a therapist who YOU can visit so you can learn how to control your rages (for lack of a better word) and be able to show your husband once he gets home that YOU are trying to change and don't want the marriage to end.

DO NOT call a lawyer (IMO) until YOU can get your hormones under control. You need to figure out what's going on with you - mentally and hormonally - you can't be making decisions like this when the hormones are all over the place. It doesn't help that he's NOT here. You can't change that - but what you CAN DO is work on you.

I will be thinking of you and praying for you. Please do not give up on your marriage and DO NOT make ANY decisions until you have your hormones under control and your husband gets back.

Wow. Ok so he is away, good time for yuo to take care of your PMS or whatever the Dr, decides you have. Did hubs say he's already moved on, got someone else? If not then say I get your hurt and want out, promise me you won't committ to anyone else or look for love elsewhere till you are home and we are face to face. Not to rub salt in the wounds but asking him twice for a divorce, you didn't think that would bring consequences? The okld saying be careful what you wish for come to mind. If you really want to be with him apologize get help and hope he will listen to you after you have seeked medical or mental health. It's so much harder as he is away but stay strong, 3 kids need you now.

My first thought is that since he can't get a divorce right now anyway, why don't YOU go to counseling to get over your past trust issues AND talk to your doctor about your PMS issue. Couldn't hurt no matter what happens in the end, right?

A lot of people threaten divorce to get their spouse to change - clearly it sounds like you were doing that to him. Since he has told you he wants to divorce you - it sounds like you have finally reflected on how your behavior has possibly contributed to the deterioration of your marriage. Maybe if he saw some changes in you - divorce could be shelved. You could always try a trial seperation as well when he returns. Sounds like the trust in your marriage is completely gone and without that you won't have any kind of marriage anyway. Any thought on your side that maybe divorce will be positive for you also - sounded like you are also very unhappy.

I am writing this with the best intentions so please do not be offended. Is there any chance you could be bi-polar?

PMS or PMDD is a real and hormonal based thing.

IF your moods... are CYCLICAL in nature, tied to your period... then it is PMS based.
There are herbal remedies you can take. Just ask the Clerk at the natural food stores or Whole Foods.
One such herbal remedy is "Vitex" or also called "Chasteberry."
It regulates, the hormones in a woman and PMS.
You need to read about it.

No matter what happens, you NEED to address your PMS moods.... because, hormonal-based emotions/moods ARE PMS related.
Google Search "PMS" and you will learn a lot about it.
It is real... AND does, in some cases, negatively affects, a relationship.

See a Medical Doctor or Holistic/Naturopath Doctor/practitioner.... yours seems to be hormonal based.
But also, learn to handle stress.... etc.
Too.

It is not easy... for a Man to deal with these things.
Much less for a woman, EACH month she gets PMS. PMS can even be for 2 weeks out of a month.

ALSO perhaps BOTH go to Counseling...

all the best,
Susan

I think it's great that you now have a good idea what the problem is. Every few weeks write him a calm, not emotional, letters, or email, full of cheerful antidotes about the children and a short mention about how you are getting counseling and medication and should be a different person by the time he gets back. Don't beg or push for reconciliation, you're so busy being a mom of three and getting help for your medical problems that you don't have time to think about that now anyway. Prove to him you are changing by keeping all communication calm -keep focusing on the three kids you share, have them draw or scribble notes to send him. 95% of your communication should be about the children he WILL not stop being their father even if you end up divorced, keep him focused on HIS kids. He needs to WANT to be a part of the loving, happy family he returns home to....

PMDD IS very disruptive in many marriages...
I would claim to have it myself...
and also think the answer is charting your month of moods and other such female-cycle occurrences so you can expect it, and know to do certain things on those 2-7 days when you'll be grumpy. (Working out, having your favorite healthy snacks around, good happy music etc)

Separating is not 'what is best for the kids' unless there is serious/violent fights in front of them.. Perhaps he can quit the military? (I dont know the rules on that) -- To me, it sounds like a change of life habits would be best ---he needs to be a part of the kids' lives and should come back and get a regular job :)

I think as women we are taught that having hormonal episodes is alright because that is just us. I think that the mind is very strong and if we are taught that then we are going to believe it is so. I was always moody growing up because that is the way the women in my house were. Soon I realized that it was not the best thing for me. Recently I went and got all my hormone levels checked and it made a big difference for me (not so much in my moods but the way I felt.) It is easier to be a happier person when you are actually happy. This may be an option for you. I would go to a doctor who specializes in hormones and get a blood or saliva screen done. I think I would also go to counseling and become the strongest person that you can be. You deserve this and you children deserve to see this. If he wants to go then help him go and realize that he can not be made to stay if he wants to go. All the crying in the world is just going to teach him that it is OK to treat you badly. If he has a girlfriend then he can go and be with her but karma is very strong and things will go around to bite him in the seat of the pants. It took eight years for my X husband to feel what it is like to be cheated on but it has happened and he is just speechless and does not know up from down.

I agree with Denise. YOU need to go to a counselor while he's gone. Tell him that he's right, you've been terrible. You accept it and you're going to try to get help, and you hope it's not too late.

If you have Tricare, call the number and tell them you want to go see a counselor, they'll tell you what you need to do. If you have questions send me a private message, I've been there. Now stop crying and do what you have to do to save your marriage. HUGS!

I agree that counseling is needed. My hat goes off to every military wife...... Be Encouraged.

Given you a Big Hug :)

So sorry you are going through this. I would first go to your OBGYN tell them your symptoms maybe you have pmdd or maybe you have depression....who knows, but get the dr to check you out. Secondly, if you want your marriage to work and he is willing to reconsider, maybe start small with just writing love letters to each other since you are apart. Tell him how much he means to you and he can do the same. Start building the trust that was lost a while back. Good luck. Don't give up yet. You never know when something good is around the corner.

Molly

Wow, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. From what you have said sounds like he has made up his mind about the marriage. Whatever you do try and keep your dignity. The more you beg the more he is going to pull away.
You think that it's PMS? So does this means that you only argue during your cycle or right before?
It also sounds like this has been going on for a while and has reached the point of possibly no return. Maybe some time apart or a seperation will do both of you some good. Who knows by the time he gets back you might have found your strength again. It does not sound like you are too happy in the marriage. However, no one wants to to be told that they are no longer wanted even if they are not happy in the relationship. Maybe you were just holding on because it was all you had at the time and you should have been the one to end it when you decided that it was not going well to begin with.
Life is funny you never know what direction its going to take you. Maybe you will make the marriage work and in a year from now (and you two are not together) you might think him ending it was the best thing he ever done for you.
good luck.

Bless your heart. You need to get yourself into counseling pronto. Your marriage may be over but your relationship with your children can still be salvaged. Your next step would be an attorney. I am so sorry.

Watch the movie FIREPROOF and work through the Love Dare Book.

As for the hormones and PMS or PMDD you must eat right, have a regular exercise routine and get a hold of yourself meaning learn how to control your pattern of behavior and what triggers your PMS.

Do all four of these things and watch your life change for the better. Also work on bridling/curbing your tongue. I hope this helps.