I am the stepgrandmom and seeking help for my son and his 12 year old stepson. I can't convince him to seek counseling as of yet. He is married and he and his wife also have 2 little ones together. They have been married for 5 years. He has tried and tried with this child, he gets in trouble with school and lies and is very disrespectful to this stepfather and things are getting worse instead of better. Does anyone have ideas for him. I know I need to stay clear but I want to pass on info to my son that might help. He is ready to give up thanks
It is always difficult to sort out what part of it is a 12 yr old being a 12 yr old and what part of it is animosity. Perhaps there is a counselor or mentor at the child's school? Maybe he just needs to do some volunteer work or a special activity with stepdad that only they do together? Therapy comes in many forms....Good luck!
Is there any O. thing that they LIKE to do together? Fishing, baseball, golfing, car races? Anything? My advice would be if he could find something they both like, then start spending time doing that activity every week...like a standing scheduled thing. During that activity, NO discussing his behavior, lying, school, etc.
I had the most amazing stepfather. he never demanded respect--he earned it by taking an interest in MY world, not by how I fit into his ideal world...know what I mean? Not saying your son does that but I think this kid needs basic acceptance on a very real, personal level. As for the discipline, that should be up to the boys mother totally and completely. Stepdad can enforce it, but mom decides it. Good luck!
THis is so hard.
My hubby is the step father to my oldest son. THey didn't see eye to eye until my son joined the Navy. Their best times were spent doing things where discipline was not a factor, Cub Scouts, fishing, movies.
My hubby took my son to all the movies I didnt' want to see, Batman, Spiderman, Wolfman, etc, all the Harry POtter movies.
THey both miss these times.
He could use it as a reward for staying out of trouble at school.
F.:
I am sorry that you are going through this. I am sure it is hard when you see your grown child suffering.
My advice? Have them enroll in Martial Arts - this will allow them to do something together - that REQUIRES honor and respect. As does Boy Scouts - this will allow them to do things TOGETHER without "home" rules and other people guiding them through an activity or an adventure.
If your son has a hobby that he would like to share with his step-son, have them TRY it together - maybe his step-son wants to feel as if he matters and is still needed. He could be VERY angry that his parents are divorced and now he has not only one but TWO step brother/sisters. And to top it off? Starting puberty!!! OH MY!!!! Lots of testerone going on there!!
DO NOT let your son give up - you didn't give up when he was going through puberty - remind your son of this. It's a VERY trying time - your body is making HUGE changes, brain is going a million miles an hour and girls, well, girls are on the brain. He needs guidance and stability not anger.
I know that is soooo much easier said than done. I need to remind myself this with my boys and they are only 8 and 10. But my daughter is 24 and I remember THOSE times!! URGH!!!!
Bottom line? Marital Arts or Boy Scouts will get them into doing things TOGETHER!!!
My best to you all
Cheryl
My guess is the boy is acting out because either he is hurt that his father is not involved or maybe he feels step dad doesn't care as much about him as he does HIS kids....doesn't matter if it is true just what he perceives to be true.
Your son and daughter-in-law need to make it clear that although he is not his dad, he is a father figure and his mom's husband. For that alone, disrespect is not acceptable. Beyond that, they need to talk to him to see what he is feeling...I bet if you get to that, you will get to the root of the behavior.
Your son also needs to make an effort to spend quality time with the stepson doing something the stepson enjoys so hopefully they can bond.
I agree with your idea of counseling, for the boy or for the family. At age 12 there is still time to address these behaviors, and it only gets harder as he gets older. It sounds like this boy is acting out and wants help and attention.
If he won't find a counselor, are there any activities the two do together like scouts or sports, or anything that gets them doing something active together? These types of things can also help give them time together.
A friend of mine recently got married and she has three boys, the oldest is 13. She encouraged a weekly burger night for just that boy and the new stepfather. Every Tuesday they tried a new burger place together. Kids this age need focused attention and a space to just talk.
